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The Time I Rode A Donkey Named Hector Through A Mall: A Mall Cop's Tale. This is a true story. Chapter 1 The Mall - Gangstarr https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc9O_Iv-W6g My name is Sam. For a while in the early 90s I was a security guard at a shopping mall in Georgia. The work isn't as flashy as it's made out to be by some Hollywood films, but I had fun and a few crazy things happened during my time on the job.  The best parts were riding around in a golf cart and hanging out with BulletHead, my partner. BulletHead wasn't his given name- that was Frank. Kids that hung out at the mall gave him the nickname because of his shiny bald head. In his early 50s, he was more than twice my age but youthful at heart and despite their teasing, the kids liked him. There were six security guards in total. We had four full-timers and two that worked part-time. Frank and I worked the evening shift- 5pm until 1 or 2 am- while the other two full timers worked from 8am until 5:30pm. Frank and I never interacted with the other guards much unless there was something going on that we all needed to be aware of. The mall was typical; it had a few large department stores and the usual assortment of shoe stores, toy stores, jewelry outlets, and so on. A food court was located on the bottom floor near the center, and several restaurants and snack outlets were scattered throughout. Small kiosks were positioned at regular intervals along the middle of the main walkway. Near the main entrance was a large water fountain and stage. Most of the young mallrats- those kids that were 12 to 14 or so- hung out around the stage area, while the older kids preferred The Gold Mine, the aging video arcade on the second floor. Access to the second floor was via escalators at each end of the mall, and an elevator near the center. The older kids were generally well behaved but there were a few that made BulletHead and I do actual work from time to time. First there was Danny, the leader of his gang of troublemakers. Also known as D-Train, he was big for his age of 15 years and played on the local high school football team as an offensive lineman. Strong and athletic with a mane of golden hair, he captured the lustful eyes of the high school girls. As luck would have it, D-Train lived across the street from my duplex. Sean was like D-Train's shadow. He followed Danny everywhere and would do anything Danny asked or dared. Sean was the nerd of the bunch and was the one to come up with plans for the crew's antics. He was 16 and had his own car so he was an indispensable part of the gang. Alcindor, 14, was the quiet one of the bunch and he was the one I had to keep my eye on the most. He wasn't deliberately sneaky; he was so unassuming and quiet that he would just appear out of nowhere. Alcindor was a freaking ninja. Alcindor was my favorite. Every teenage gang should have a voice of reason, and 16 year old Courtney tried to be that voice if things started getting out of hand. Make no mistake though- Court was just as willing to do dumb poo poo as the guys were, but she knew when to stop. The security office was down a short hallway on the perimeter of the food court. The office was not much bigger than a large closet and had exactly one chair, one desk, one phone, some camera monitors that usually only displayed static, and one coffee maker. We tried not to spend too much time in the office, so when we had nothing else to do we would mingle with folks in the food court. My favorite places were the cookie store and a little Tex-Mex place called The Whole Enchilada. Moopy, the kind older lady that worked at the cookie store probably lost the store more money than she took in because she would give away so many cookies for free. If someone looked happy, she'd give them a cookie. If someone looked sad, she'd give them a cookie. If someone looked bored... they'd get a free cookie. I looked bored a lot so I got tons of free cookies. Moopy was great. No one knew why she was called Moopy. The Tex-Mex placed was owned and operated by a young lady entrepreneur named Brenda. Brenda's specialties were The Brenchilada and The Brendarito, a burrito of potentially gigantic proportions depending on what she felt the customer needed to have in their burrito. It was entirely up to her and the meal was a favorite treat among locals. Brenda had a remarkable ability to accurately guess what a customer wanted. Behind the stores, running the full length of the mall, were long straight hallways. Used mainly for deliveries and backdoor access to the shops, the corridors were also where store employees would go to do their goofing off. The walls were decorated with graffiti and random posters. Portions of the hallways had no working lights and there weren't many cameras, so a lot of crazy things happened there. Sex, drugs, and theft of goods were all routinely attempted and sometimes succeeded. Frank and I didn't care much about the sex and drugs, but the theft was something we took seriously. A separate building behind the mall housed a six-screen cinema, and behind the cinema was a fence lining the property. That's where BulletHead and I would go to gently caress around and be lazy, drink beer, and smoke weed. Cinema employees would often come out and share weed with us and give us snacks. A bonus was the vine of scuppernongs that grew on the fence, so we always had free munchies available. On the other side of the fence was a large grass and dirt field which was used for festivals and carnivals. When those were in operation, they would use part of the mall's property for the entrance and ticketing area. The carnival came around every six months and would stay for roughly two weeks or longer- once in the summer and once around Halloween. Those were the best weeks of the year because I'd work overtime and on my days off from the mall I'd work security at the carnival.
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Mar 10, 2021 04:58
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reserved! (this one might take a while to post in its entirety but I thought if I didn't start posting now I might never do it! lucky you!) isaboo fucked around with this message at 05:12 on Mar 10, 2021 |
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Mar 10, 2021 04:58
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Chapter 2 A girl named Charlie - Bashiri Asad https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afHe_AW36og My life away from work was pretty cool and crazy. That was because my girlfriend and roommate was Charlotte, or Charlie. Hailing from southern Louisiana, she was tall, slender, lithe, and had long red hair and green eyes. While her accent was mostly neutral she could immediately enter angry Cajun mode and most anything she yelled would be unintelligible to me. Charlie loved being outdoors and she was very much into hunting, fishing, and backpacking. She was also a very good seamstress and was saving up to go to school to study textile science. She wanted to be a fashion designer and costumer so she would practice by mending my old torn up clothes and she also made shirts for me and dresses for herself. Our duplex was filled with fabrics, dyes, and all types of sewing machines and accessories. Halloween was her favorite time of year because she'd make costumes for anyone who asked. Charlie came from a large family; she had five brothers all of whom were giant assholes. She was the oldest though, so she had them all figured out after the first brother was born. Dealing with them for her entire childhood made her tough and resilient. I've known a lot of strong women in my life, and Charlie is in the top echelon of women I did not gently caress around with. I knew my limits with her and she would happily remind me if I slipped up. She loved to play pranks on me. We and our neighbors had an old couch on the front porch of our duplex- the communal drinkin' couch- and Charlie found some fabric that looked very similar to the pattern on it. She made a costume that looked like the sofa cushions and with it she could almost completely become part of it. I got home at about 2am one night and she jumped out of the couch wearing the ridiculous outfit which scared me so bad I started hyperventilating. All I could see in the dark was this thing that exploded out of the sofa. It was hilarious in hindsight but I almost fell over dead right then and there.  One of her favorite things to do was to don her camouflage hunting clothes, hide in our front yard and scare me when I got home from work. She loved to yell "Where's your muay Thai now, big guy?!" after jumping out of a tree or popping out from behind a bush and scaring me half to death. Sometimes she would make freakishly scary puppets and dolls and put them in the cupboard, in my closet - basically anywhere that it would likely scare me. I don't know how she did it, but she never tried to surprise me when I was expecting it. She always knew when to catch me unaware. She could hunt the most dangerous game, and she was great at it. And believe me, I tried to retaliate with my own pranks, but it was useless. She could see them coming a mile away. Charlie was a force of nature and I'm glad she was on my side. D-Train was in love with Charlie. Since he lived across the street from us, he'd come over and talk to her if she was outside or he'd find an excuse to knock on our door and ask to borrow something. It was harmless flirting by a horny 15 year old, but sometimes it felt like he was everywhere I was. I wished that Charlie would turn her pranks loose on him, but that was something she reserved all for me. She did get his dog pretty good, though. Danny had a small, annoying, all white mutt that did nothing but bark and snarl at whomever was closest. It also loved to poo poo in our yard and get into our trash. Every time we tried to chase him away, he'd return as soon as we were gone. Sick of cleaning up after him, Charlie devised a plan. I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing until she walked out of our spare bedroom decked out in camouflage. She was armed with a BB gun. "Uh, Charlie... babe ... what are you doing?" I asked. "I'm tired of that drat dog coming into our yard. I've asked Danny several times to keep it away from our place. He hasn't, so I'm going to handle it. He lets the dog out every night at around 10, and tonight I'm going to be ready", she replied. I assumed she was going to just shoot him (the dog, not Danny, though I would have been okay with that) with the BB gun, but she said she had something else planned. First, she filled a balloon full of some non-toxic purple textile dye. She tied a string to it and hung the balloon from a tree limb. Under it, she emptied a can of dog food onto the ground. 9:45 rolled around and she went back outside and took up a sniper's position in the bushes lining the driveway. The trap was about 30 feet away from her. I stood at the window, excited to see what was going to happen. I saw Danny's front door open and the little mutt ran out and headed straight for our yard- he was onto the scent of fresh dog food. He stopped at the trash bin, but didn't find anything of interest there so he continued on to Charlie's bait. He stopped, sniffed the air and looked around for a moment. I think he instinctively knew something was amiss, but the fresh food was too enticing to resist. He started chowing down. Charlie was an excellent shot, even with a cheap BB gun. She pulled the trigger and the puff of compressed air sent the BB straight into the balloon, popping it. Purple dye rained down and covered the dog's back and tail. He barked and ran in circles not knowing what the gently caress happened. With his tail between his legs, he ran back to Danny's and barked and scratched at the door. Danny's Dad opened the door and all I could hear was laughter and "What the gently caress happened to you, you dumb dog?! DANNY!! Get out here! Look at your dog!" As they stood there looking at their now purple mutt, Charlie emerged from her position and walked toward their house. "It will come out after a couple of baths", she said. "Next time, I'll use permanent dye." Danny's Dad laughed and said something like "I told you so" to Danny. In the following days at the mall, Danny would shy away whenever he saw me. After a week or so he finally apologized for the trouble the dog had been causing. He also said the dog had become better behaved since then. The dog never came into our yard again. isaboo fucked around with this message at 05:14 on Mar 10, 2021 |
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Mar 10, 2021 05:03
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Chapter 3 Shenanigans - Jasiah https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToL-Mn2ZISM The gang of sociopathic teens made work fun. I'm being harsh there- they were good kids, but bored like all the kids were in our area. Bored like I was most of the time. They pushed limits in everything they did but never really crossed the line as far as I was concerned. If they did it was likely with my assistance in some way, anyway. And hell, I wasn't much older than them so I certainly wasn't going to play parent. I was committed to the safety and security of the mall, sure, but I also wanted to have a little fun. In a big rear end mall that was never really busy, there were lots of opportunites for shenanigans. The first trick we played on them that got our prank wars going was one that BulletHead and I would sometimes do to new mall employees. The elevator in the middle of the mall only went to three levels- the first and second floors and a little vestibule on the roof used for maintenance access. The roof was only accessible with an elevator key, and of course all of the security guards had one. We also had access to the control panel on the top of the elevator car. One slow summer weeknight BulletHead and I were watching D-Train and his crew hanging out near the stage and they looked more bored than usual. And gently caress, we were bored as well. Suddenly, BulletHead turned to me and said, "I think they need the new employee elevator orientation." I knew exactly what he meant. I went to the elevator while he walked over to the kids. "Hey D, someone is about to beat your high score on the vampire game." D-Train stood up and said "My Dracula score?!" He was a pinball wizard to be sure, and he was very protective of his scores on any of the games. The record holders' names for each of the 10 most played games were written on a huge chalkboard on the wall, and Danny's name was in probably 6 or 7 of the spots. This score in particular was on the Bram Stoker's Dracula pinball machine, a new one that he really liked playing. I don't remember what his score was, but it was absurdly high. He also held the record on the old Galaga and Centipede games. "Yeah man!" replied BulletHead. "I think it's a middle school kid." That set Danny off. "What the gently caress?! Hell no!!" He and the rest of the gang started making their way to the elevator. Alcindor was curiously not with the group, but I was sure I had seen him just a minute earlier. It was always unsettling whenever he would disappear like that. I was on top of the car when they got inside. I could barely see them through a small grate. They pressed the button for the 2nd floor but I cancelled it and opened the doors. Danny was clearly in a rush to get to the arcade- he yelled "Oh come the gently caress on!" and pressed the button a dozen times as fast as he could and threw his hands up in disgust. "Come on you piece of poo poo!" He started to leave so I closed the doors, but once again I stopped it from moving. I opened the doors a few inches and then closed them. Courtney was laughing but was also trying to calm Danny down because he was starting to lose patience. Sean pushed the button and I allowed the car to start moving upward. I stopped it between the floors. I moved it back down to the first floor and opened the doors, then closed them again. Danny pounded on the doors. "Let us out! Let us the gently caress out!" Courtney picked up the useless "emergency" phone receiver that was connected to absolutely nothing and started talking into it. I was trying hard not to laugh too loudly. I moved the elevator up to the 2nd floor, paused for a couple of seconds then started moving it up to the roof. "WHERE THE gently caress IS IT TAKING US?!", yelled Sean. I stopped it but didn't open the doors. The last thing I wanted to do was show them that the roof was accessible. Thinking I had toyed with them enough, I took us back to the 2nd floor and waited for about 30 seconds before letting them out. Danny bolted out of the elevator and ran right into BulletHead who was standing there, waiting. "What took you so long? She beat your score and left", he said. "SHE?! A middle school GIRL?", shrieked D-Train. "Yeah. A a rising eighth grader I think. Callie or something like that. Anyway, the arcade manager already put her name up on the board." Danny bolted past BulletHead and ran to the arcade as the other kids followed. BulletHead said he told the manager Pete that we were playing a trick on the kids and to replace Danny's name. Later Pete said he made up a bullshit story and told Danny that "Callie" had scored so highly that she completely locked up the machine and he had to unplug it. All the high scores were deleted but he had witnessed her score so he had to put her name on the board. Danny was devastated. BulletHead and I had our laughs until the kids came back complaining about the broken elevator. BulletHead said, "Broken? No, not broken. It's haunted, didn't you know that? When the mall was built, a worker was accidentally buried alive in the concrete right below the elevator. His ghost sometimes fucks it up." Annoyed and disgusted that we were feeding them a line of bullshit but unable to explain it away other than being a broken elevator, the kids went on their way. Except for Alcindor. He suddenly appeared beside me. Laughing, he said "I saw you. I saw you get on top of the elevator." I played dumb and said I didn't know what he was talking about, but he knew that I knew that he knew. "We'll get you back", he said with a hint of evil glee in his voice. * * * * A couple of weeks went by and nothing exciting happened. BulletHead and I had stopped looking over our shoulders for payback from the kids. Then we started notice them talking in hushed tones and with furtive glances whenever we got near them. They were clearly making plans. "I think they're going to do something", I said to BulletHead. "Yeah. I get that feeling too", he replied. "Be on your toes. Keep your head on a swivel." I had one rule with the D-Train gang, and BulletHead backed me up on it- I'd play along with whatever the kids were doing, as long as nobody was hurt and no property was lost or damaged. I told them to not gently caress around when the other security guards were on duty, or the kids would be banned from the mall. Luckily, the mall propery manager was never around to see any of the dumb poo poo we all did. BulletHead said "Let me show you something I've been doing. It might come in handy." He led me to a small room off of one of the hallways behind the stores. It was usually used as a storage area for junk but when he opened the door I busted out in laughter. In one corner, piled almost as high as the ceiling, was a pile of plastic bags containing styrofoam packing peanuts. "I've been pulling this stuff from empty boxes around the delivery areas and hoarding it", he said. "What do you have in mind for it?", I asked. "I don't know", he said. "But I'll know when it's time." I could see some potential for the stuff, but wasn't quite sure how we'd use it. We'd soon find an opportunity. * * * * After a few more days of looking suspicious, the gang finally played their hand. By hanging around so much they knew where we'd each be at certain times of the day. Armed with air horns and super soaker water guns, they ambushed us in teams of two while we were making our rounds. A nice attempt, sure, but it was kind of lame. Frank and I decided to escalate, because why not. We knew where Sean's car was always parked. We had the means to get into it- we kept a slim jim car door opener in the office. And we had a huge pile of styrofoam packing peanuts. It was good, but not good enough. We wanted them all to suffer, not just Sean, so we enlisted some help. I talked to Moopy the cookie store lady while BulletHead filled in Brenda at the Tex-Mex joint. We didn't suggest any ideas; we just told them that we wanted to prank the kids and we needed their help. Both were immediately on board. A couple of days later we had everything in place. While I distracted the kids- I made sure Alcindor was there this time- Frank took the huge bags of styrofoam and dumped it all into Sean's car. It was a small-ish compact car and he had enough to completely fill it, and then some. I gave the kids some old leftover coupons that Brenda had for a free burrito. Kids their age never turned down free food so off they went to redeem them. Brenda had everything on her end ready. They each ordered a free Brendarito deluxe- which included sour cream and guacamole. Only it wasn't sour cream; it was a mix of mayonnaise and Cool Whip. She even added old mashed up Peeps easter candy to each burrito. The gang went to their usual table, unwrapped their free meal, and took big bites. One or two of them got some of the surprise ingredients right away and knew something hosed up was going on, but it took the others another couple of bites to find out. They spit it out on their plates and all of them were yelling and laughing and getting grossed out. By that time, Frank had joined me in watching their reaction. The kids saw us and Brenda laughing and realized that we were all behind it. They began walking over to us and as they passed the cookie store one of the kids spoke to Moopy. She said "Oh hey! Hold on! I have a new cookie I want y'all to try. A chocolate chip sandwich cookie with frosting in the middle." Surely the kids weren't dumb enough to fall for the same thing again, right? Surely the kind old lady that always gave out free cookies anyway wouldn't do anything dastardly, right? Surely the kids were right to trust her, right? Wrong. She gave them each a cookie sandwich and said "Oh! Hold on! Let me get your picture. I'll put it on my bulletin board!" On the count of three she snapped the picture, just as each one bit into the cookie- the middle filled with tootpaste and cayenne pepper. They all screamed and laughed and spit it all out and threw away the cookies. Except for Alcindor- he shrugged, wiped some of the filling off each cookie, and ate them anyway. We all had a good laugh and Brenda and Moopy gave them free real food to make up for it. The kids left, but Sean returned a few minutes later and said "Good one." We helped him clean out his car so they could all get home. That was the end of the prank wars for a while, until the kids enlisted some help of their own. * * * * One night, as BulletHead and I were making rounds at opposite ends of the mall shortly after all the stores were closed and only employees were left inside, I spotted Danny standing at the top of the escalator to the 2nd floor. He turned around, pulled down his pants, and mooned me with his bare rear end. "Goddammit Danny! Don't do that, come on dude. It's time to go anyway." I hopped onto the escalator and walked to the top and as I did, I saw D-Train dart into a store and around a corner. "Danny! Quit messing around!" As I rounded the corner in pursuit, Alcindor ran past me on my right and Sean darted past me on the left. They were holding something between them but I couldn't tell what it was right away. Then I felt it make contact. loving bubble wrap. The fuckers found a huge roll of bubble wrap somewhere. In short order I was a plastic mummy. gently caress. I was laughing but I was also genuinely struggling to stand upright. They really had wrapped me up good. They gently laid me down on the floor, sprayed me in the face with silly string, literally rolled me over to the down escalator, and sent me on my way.  I was laughing but still fighting to get free. Brenda saw what was going on and came over to help. Tearing apart my bubble wrap straight jacket, she pointed to Alcindor who ran through the food court and down the short hallway where our security office was. I chased after him and saw him burst through the door leading outside to one of the delivery areas. He was quick and there was no way I was going to catch him. As I stepped through the door I caught a glimpse of him just before he disappeared. Knowing he got away, I just stood there for a second before noticing something laying on the ground. It was something in a small box and as I looked closer I saw that it was a brand new fanny pack still in the original packaging. gently caress yes! A new fanny pack! I freaking loved my fanny pack. I always had my walkie talkie clipped to my belt, while my pack contained other "equipment"- namely snacks, and sometimes a cookie and or burrito from my favorite eateries. It was also where I carried my weed and smoking items, which was funny because the fanny pack was emblazoned with the "D.A.R.E To Keep Kids Off Drugs" logo (Drug Abuse Resistance Education). My pack was getting old and ragged so I had been thinking about getting a new one anyway. It was my lucky day! Just as I was about to pick it up, I heard a faint pop from somewhere off in the dark of night. I suddenly felt something cold and wet rain down on my head and neck. I stood upright and wiped whatever it was off and realized my hand was now bright orange. Something hit my chest. Something wet. I was hit again. loving water balloons! I screamed "WHAT THE gently caress!" and saw the pieces of a dye-filled balloon and a couple of water balloons lying at my feet. I heard a familiar voice cackling and laughing. That.loving.Charlie. She stepped out of the shadows, BB rifle in hand. She was flanked by all four of the kids. They were all laughing hysterically. Danny had recruited her to get us back. It didn't take any convincing at all since she was routinely loving with me anyway. She rigged up the same kind of trap she had made for Danny's dog, and knew that a brand new fanny pack would make the best bait. BulletHead came outside and saw what happened and laughed so hard he cried. Courtney and Sean had gotten him with the bubble wrap and silly string too, but stopped short of sending him down the escalator. Well played, kids. Well played but not fair to call in Charlie, Master of Pranks. I called for a truce to our little war and we reached an armistice. There would be peace at the mall. For a while. isaboo fucked around with this message at 05:16 on Mar 10, 2021 |
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Mar 10, 2021 05:10
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Chapter 4 Life is a carnival - The Band https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PuC7xyJsBQ The carnival troupe that came around every six months was loads of fun. The carnival itself was pretty standard- cheap rides and attractions, cheaper food and beer, and plenty of weirdos both in the crowd and on staff. I don't remember many names of the carnies but there are a few that I'll never forget. Paco and Loni worked the gorilla-girl attraction. It was a grind show- the performance had no set show times. Periodically throughout the day, Paco would set the attraction's sign outside the tent to indicate a show was being prepared. When enough people bought tickets, or after a ticket holder had waited for at least 15 minutes, the show would begin. Most of the time, the show had plenty of people wanting to see a caged girl transform into a fearsome and mighty gorilla. The show ended with audience members either running out of the tent in fright, or just shaking their heads muttering how fake it all was. For the curious, the trick was done with clever lighting and mirror placement. The gorilla was just another carny in a costume. Hank was a fire eater and sword swallower. He was very heavily tattooed- ink covered most of his visible body including his face. When he wasn't performing, Hank operated one of the small food kiosks and sometimes just walked around the carnival handing out free balloons and little trinkets to kids. One would think his appearance would repel the kids, but they were fascinated by the guy that was a living piece of art. Big Wayne was the owner and operator of the carnival, and he also handled some of the animal performers and the small petting zoo. There were rabbits - including one with two faces, a couple of large snakes, some goats, a skunk, and one very sweet mammoth donkey named Hector. When not doing anything with the animals, he performed as The World's Strongest Man. He was strong, but not that strong. As with everything else at a carnival, his feats of strength were made possible by gimmicks and tricks. Big Wayne was also a loving rear end in a top hat. He was rude to and disinterested in the kids that came to interact with the animals. The first time I met him I knew we'd become enemies, but I wasn't quite sure how it would happen. Worse yet, he would eventually make himself an enemy of Charlie, and that's a bad loving move for anyone. Little Wayne was Big Wayne's cohort and assistant manager of the carnival, but he never did anything important. He had a habit of saying "Tell 'im Wayne, TELL 'IM" in his thick Southern redneck accent whenever Big Wayne would say something harsh to someone, which was fairly often. Other than that, Little Wayne worked whatever attraction needed assistance. I didn't like Little Wayne too much. He had a shrill voice and was generally annoying. The carnival had about 20 attractions. Aside from the petting zoo and gorilla-girl tent, there were the standard carnival games that were designed to take money and sometimes award cheap prizes. There was no roller coaster but there were other rides common to carnivals- the Tilt-A-Whirl, a Ferris Wheel, and The Bullet among others. The Haunted House attraction had old and broken down puppets and animatronics that barely worked but kids liked going through it anyway. The ride operators did not give a poo poo about any size restrictions and if they could make the seatbelt or harness fit tightly enough, they would let anyone ride. They would often make bets on who on the rides would puke first. This carnival produced a lot of vomit. In short, this was a carnival operated and staffed by sociopaths. Paco and Hank were the only ones I liked. But it just so happens that sociopathic carnies are the type of people I flourish around, especially when I have the feeling that a grand adventure with them awaits. I had a hunch that there was something hosed up going on at the carnival, and I hoped I'd find out.
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Mar 10, 2021 05:31
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preemptively voted 5
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Mar 10, 2021 05:35
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didn't read, groundfloor
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Mar 10, 2021 05:37
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Cubone posted:groundfloor
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Mar 10, 2021 05:44
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Great stories so far. Looking forward to the carnie adventures! 
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Mar 10, 2021 07:11
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There's a legal questions thread in Ask Tell. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3266659 I'd love to see you try and write in the third person. I don't know if it would have the same panache as your first person stuff but I think it might and I think it might be good.
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Mar 10, 2021 13:00
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Time for another wild ride. Voting 5. I noticed that you weren't named Beets in the OP. I'm guessing this is the earliest of the stories thus far, from before you got the nickname?
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Mar 10, 2021 23:20
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Me, at work: I'll just have a quick look at the forums. Oh, a new Isaboo thread? *fills coffee mug, adjusts monitor, leans back* Ahhhh... here we go. A nothin' done morning again.
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Mar 11, 2021 01:45
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It might be a little while before I can post more. I've been feeling like soft serve dog poo and have to get tested for the 'rona and quarantine away from the family. Funny thing is, I was scheduled to get vaccinated today but now I have to wait.jazzyhattrick posted:Time for another wild ride. Voting 5. Chronologically, it's the second story. Punching Nazis -> Hector The Donkey -> Scientologist Stripper -> Night Watchman -> Cursed By A Witch I didn't get the nickname Beets until the stripper story stuff happened but I didn't want to go back and change the the name in the other stories. When I get around to publishing them all in a book I'll have the order and names sorted out. Weka posted:
Yeah, I know 1st person isn't the style of narrative most people prefer and isn't as engaging. I know I rely too much on telling rather than showing, but I'm learning! I've thought about trying to rewrite the Nazi Punching story in 3rd person but it's kinda difficult for me because I'm remembering all of the events in 1st person as I write the stories out. That's how I've told the stories to friends and family over the years so that's what I'm comfortable with. I'm going to give it a shot though. isaboo fucked around with this message at 20:58 on Mar 11, 2021 |
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Mar 11, 2021 20:53
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I'm happy for you. Or sorry that happened.
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Mar 11, 2021 20:56
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this is good poo poo OP. I was also a mall cop once upon a time. lots of good stories
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Mar 11, 2021 21:21
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isaboo posted:When I get around to publishing them all in a book I'll have the order and names sorted out. This is the best news I've seen today. I will buy the poo poo out of your book! And I like your first-person narration, it's very engaging and entertaining. It reads naturally like we're sitting together somewhere and you're just telling these stories.
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Mar 12, 2021 00:46
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I love storytime
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Mar 12, 2021 04:32
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Chapter 5 Thrill My Gorilla https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqcsl3fQ_w8 As a security guard for the carnival, all I had to do was walk around and make sure there was nothing rowdy going on, check the trailers to make sure they were securely locked while the carnival was operating, and pick up any large pieces of trash that might be laying around. There was nothing to do after I checked the trailers so I just got high and watched some of the shows. I was especially interested in the Gorilla-Girl tent. Paco was the announcer and host and Loni was the girl that would transform into the beast. The person in the gorilla suit could be any of the carnival staff that didn't have a show to do or a booth to work at the time. If no one was available, Big Wayne would play the part. One night shortly before he was set to begin, Paco came out of the tent and asked me if I had seen Big Wayne. I said I hadn't but I'd go look for him. I went to Big Wayne's trailer and knocked but got no response. I was certain I heard someone inside though, someone arguing, so I pounded on the door again. "GO AWAY!", yelled Wayne. I heard another voice inside, a female voice, say something like "I promise I will, Big Wayne. I promise." I said that the gorilla-girl show was about to start and they needed someone in the costume. "Well whoever you are, you loving do it. Now leave." I heard something that sounded like a slap, the door opened, and a woman I had not seen before exited in a rush. She was trying to avoid eye contact with me and looked embarrassed- or hurt. Something untoward had been going on, that much was obvious. I was high as gently caress and didn't know what to do other than go back to Paco and let him know Big Wayne wasn't coming. I was curious what was going on inside the trailer but I'd have to find out later. Paco grabbed my arm and pulled me into the back area of the tent where the gorilla was hidden from view for the show. He pointed to the costume, lying in a heap on the ground, and said "Suit up. You're bigger than Wayne but it should fit. Hell, you might make a scarier gorilla, anyway." "Uh, Paco... I don't know what the gently caress I'm supposed to do in that thing". "It's easy", he explained. "Your cue will be when Loni stops thrashing around just before the transformation. She'll sit there as still as possible as the 'magic' takes over and changes her. You need to do the same and mimic her body position. The lights will come down a bit. I'll say something about the metamorphosis being complete- that's when you need to start jumping around, howl, and beat your chest." "Uh. Okay. I'll try my best", I said. I didn't have high hopes for how it would go. The costume wasn't a very good one and it didn't fit me that well. I'm 6'4" and it felt like it was made for someone six feet tall at most. I could barely connect the top and bottom halves. It was hot and humid so I took off my shirt and pants and suited up. The head piece smelled like vomit. Both Loni and I were seated on wooden chairs with our arms and legs bound to our sections of the stage with breakaway shackles and chains. Once the change from girl to gorilla was complete, I was to break free and start menacing the crowd. After a little bit of that, Paco would usher out the audience members- to save them from the grave danger. I took my place in the hidden area and waited, giggling to myself the whole time. I heard Paco yelling just outside the tent. "SEE! The beautiful! Mysterious! GIRL!" "WITNESS! As DARK MAGIC! Takes her over!" "WATCH! As she changes into a FEARSOME! MIGHTY! BEEEEASSSSST!" "EXPERIENCE! The WONDER! OF! GORILLAAAAA GIRRRLLLlll!" It was showtime. Here goes nothing, I thought. There were maybe a dozen people watching. Some ominous music played and Paco told the back story of the girl to the audience while she acted agitated in her shackles. She moaned and screamed then started to recite some kind of goofy, spooky sounding incantation. I tried to stifle my laughter but I just couldn't. Loni thrashed around a bit more then became motionless. Oh gently caress! That's my cue! Paco discreetly changed the lighting to give the illusion that the girl's face was beginning to change. The effect grew stronger and soon the girl was completely transformed. "Quiet now", Paco said. "Give the beast a moment to awaken." About half a minute went by. "The change is complete!" I didn't hear him over my laughing. "It looks like the CHANGE IS COMPLETE!", he said once more. I stopped laughing, but I forgot what was going on. Like I said, I was pretty drat stoned. Paco cleared his throat. "THE GORILLA WILL AWAKEN NOW! THE CHANGE IS COMPLETE" I stood up and didn't do anything for a few seconds until I finally figured out where I was. Raising my arms over my head I yelled "ROOOOAAARRRR!". I didn't yell with a roar, I yelled the word "Roar". It wasn't exactly intimidating. Oh poo poo, this is happening. Reality and the present moment caught up to me and I pounded my chest and did a halfway decent challenging, guttural roar. I could hear a couple of screams but I'm certain I heard more groans and laughter. I flailed around to give Paco some time to warn the audience of the danger before I broke the chains. He yelled for everyone to get out and I started to make my way toward the small crowd. A couple of the younger kids crawled out under the tent, so at least they were convinced. Everyone else kind of sauntered out, disappointed. I made it maybe halfway across the tent when I tripped. The bottom half of the costume got snagged on something and the pants fell around my ankles, exposing my Marvin The Martian boxer shorts. When I hit the ground, the head piece came off and rolled a few feet away. I heard "Haaaaaaa Sam you SUCK!" from a corner of the tent. Looking over I saw Alcindor pointing and laughing and eating a corn dog. "He isn't wrong", Paco said. "No, no he's not", I admitted. That would be the first of only two times I wore a gorilla costume. Little Wayne came into the tent, saw me on the ground and shook his head. He said "Hey Sam, come with me. We need some help at the petting zoo." I changed back into my clothes and followed him. Until then I had only seen it from afar and didn't realize just how massive the donkey was. Kind of shocked, I asked "What the gently caress is that?" "That... is Hector". isaboo fucked around with this message at 05:01 on Mar 14, 2021 |
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Mar 14, 2021 04:58
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I say this every time, but these stories are so good and genuine that it really makes me miss GBS 2007.
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Mar 14, 2021 16:58
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Cubone posted:didn't read YET, groundfloor
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Mar 15, 2021 20:35
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Love your stories OP Still hoping a Battle Cat demo will surface someday
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Mar 15, 2021 21:10
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who the f is hector, why aren't you posting right now
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Mar 16, 2021 00:10
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isaboo posted:Yeah, I know 1st person isn't the style of narrative most people prefer and isn't as engaging. I know I rely too much on telling rather than showing, but I'm learning! i like the journal aspect, for what it's worth
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Mar 16, 2021 00:11
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isaboo posted:Yeah, I know 1st person isn't the style of narrative most people prefer and isn't as engaging. I know I rely too much on telling rather than showing, but I'm learning! Oh no, I like your writing style, I just thought the other thing could be good to. Another string to your bow as it were. Anyway, hope you get well soon.
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Mar 16, 2021 06:18
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Who What Now posted:I'm happy for you. Or sorry that happened.
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Mar 16, 2021 07:30
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Fuckin-a man I’ll read just about anything with precocious scamps in it. Like i wanna flesh out some characters but I have no context: Chops - has thick wooly mutton chops, mom cuts his hair but never touches the sideburns Shrimpy - spends his lunch money on craps so he can ditch school and eat at the seafood buffet Klownr - spells everything wrong, lines his pockets with money he makes from selling app names to Silicon Valley startups Sweepy - whittles arch support into push broom bottoms and makes sandals for himself Plowdawg - has a pet ox, don’t ask Crumbs - always asks ppl for the crumbs off their plate and that’s all he eats
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Mar 16, 2021 09:09
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Always down for an Isaboo thread, gently caress yes
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Mar 19, 2021 17:37
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Mar 20, 2021 00:20
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I'm feeling a bit better now so.....
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Mar 22, 2021 03:34
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Chapter 6 At The Zoo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xKLBne1CoI Big Wayne was at the petting zoo talking to a couple of other carnies- they looked like they were mulling something over. Hector the donkey was in a small pen, too small for such a big animal, and he looked agitated. I walked over to him and put my hand on his head. Hector was an American Mammoth Jackstock donkey- the world's largest breed. The carnies told me that he was 16 or 17 hands high, or roughly 64-70 inches. That's big for a fuckin' donkey. If true, Hector would have been just a little smaller than the current world record holder (since 2003) for biggest donkey, Romulus, who is 68 inches tall. When I was growing up we had a few horses on our farm and even had a mule for a while. Hector was definitely the biggest donkey I have ever seen - when he fully raised his head, he towered over me. What was most remarkable though was the intent with which Hector looked into someone's eyes. When I met him that first time and his gaze caught mine I thought Whoa, this big guy knows what's going on. Big Wayne started cursing as I stroked Hector's head and neck. I was trying to calm him down and I could tell it was working. Hector seemed to like me already. "That fuckin' donkey. I swear to god I'm gonna sell it to a glue factory or make him into dog food." "Tell 'im, Big Wayne, tell 'im", added Little Wayne. That surprised me because Hector seemed so sweet and healthy. I asked Wayne what the problem was. "The problem, motherfucker, is that this drat donkey won't do his fuckin' job." Until then I assumed that Hector's job was to just stand around, let kids pet him, and eat and poo poo everywhere. I asked Wayne what he meant. "He's supposed to be a workin' animal and pull stuff around for us but he's got a fuckin' bad attitude. I swear to god..." Wayne punched Hector's head. That pissed me off. "WHAT THE gently caress, WAYNE?! Don't hit him, I..." He raised his hand to slap Hector again, but this time I grabbed Wayne's wrist and stopped him. Our eyes locked and there was a moment where I thought it was going to escalate to something I'd rather not do- beat the gently caress out of Wayne. Big Wayne could tell I wasn't loving around, pulled away from me and said "Help us get him out of the pen so he can do some work." He needed Hector to pull one of the equipment trailers a short distance. I asked why he didn't use one of the trucks but he didn't answer. I think Wayne just liked being a dick to both man and beast. I said "Aren't you supposed to be the Strongest Man In The World? Why don't you pull the trailer?" He looked at me and said something like "Watch your mouth, boy." I heard an "Ohhhhhh shiiiiit" from behind me. Turning around I saw Alcindor sitting in the zoo area holding the two faced rabbit in his lap, petting it while he watched all of us. "Ok, whatever" I thought. "This isn't the time or place to fight this battle". Hector was getting agitated again from the aggression around him so I put my forehead to his and stroked his neck to calm him. Tugging on the rope tied around his neck, I tried to lead him out of the pen but he wasn't interested in moving. A couple of carnies got behind him and tried to push, which is a bad idea, but he wouldn't budge. Wayne cursed the donkey again, walked over and kicked one of the goats, then went into his trailer cursing the whole way. "That guy is a loving rear end in a top hat," I said to no one in particular. Little Wayne spoke up. "Aw, he's just havin' a bad day. Some things aren't going his way and he's angry. When he gets mad he does things like that. He gets upset a lot these days." "Bad day or not, he should never hit animals like that. That poo poo isn't cool", I said. The whole time there I kept thinking "Wait until I tell Charlie about this. She's going to be livid. gently caress." Little Wayne said something about Big Wayne's "girls" not doing their jobs. That intrigued me so I had to know more. I got the impression that with a little alcohol in him Little Wayne would start blabbing so I invited him to meet me and Charlie for a beer after the carnival shut down for the night. We closed everything up and I headed home to pick up Charlie and tell her what was going on. As I was leaving I spotted Alcindor still in the petting zoo. He held the two faced rabbit up to me and said "We're watching youuuuuuuuu." It was loving creepy. Hector and I watched each other as I walked by. It was apparent that we had made a connection. My new friend needed help. Other beasts and humans in Big Wayne's orbit needed help too. And I knew just the right people that could be of assistance.
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Mar 22, 2021 03:35
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I love that there is a creature called an American Mammoth Jackstock Donkey
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Mar 22, 2021 05:14
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Mar 22, 2021 05:50
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Alcindor sounds like the perfect name for a brooding mall goth. Keep going, OP. 
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Mar 22, 2021 14:20
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Two faced rabbit, wtf?
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Mar 22, 2021 14:42
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Chapter 7 Revelations https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai6pZ8nAf40 On the drive to the bar to meet Little Wayne I told Charlie what had been going on. I filled her in on the animal abuse and my suspicions that Big Wayne had struck at least one woman. She sat there in silence which was always a bad sign for whoever the target of her rage would be. We didn't yet know what our goal was exactly, but we knew we had a mission to at least help Hector in some way. When we arrived and went inside Little Wayne was already there waiting for us, and Hank the tattooed fire eater was at the table with him. I liked Hank based on the few short interactions I had with him, and I got the impression that he wasn't exactly a fan of Big Wayne but I wasn't sure. I'd have to be careful while prodding Little Wayne for information in case Hank wasn't sympathetic to our cause. We had our first beer while talking about random poo poo. Little Wayne downed his pretty quickly so I knew we were on the right path. I ordered shots and a pitcher to keep the momentum going. After the shots Wayne was loosened up. "So what's the deal with Big Wayne? He's an awfully aggressive guy. Why is he so angry?" I asked. Hank chimed in first. He seemed ready and willing to trash Big Wayne. "Yeah, he's a real piece of work... I mean piece of poo poo", he said. "He doesn't care much about anyone but himself and his business." I knew that by "business", Hank wasn't only referring to the carnival but I played dumb. "Yeah, I can imagine running a carnival is a headache", I replied. Little Wayne snorted and laughed. "It ain't just the carnival, bud." Charlie spoke up. "What else has he got going on?" Little Wayne had his eyes on Charlie from the very start. She recognized this and sent a couple of flirtatious signals his way to keep him talking. He looked around to check if anyone was close enough to overhear what he was about to say. "Haven't you seen the girls coming and going from his trailer? The ones that don't work any of the booths or rides?" I said that I had noticed a couple but I hadn't given it much thought. "They're how Wayne makes his real money. That's all I'll say but I think you can figure it out." Charlie wasn't going to let it go that easily. "Call girls? Drugs? What are you talking about?" she asked. "All of that", Little Wayne replied. "You didn't hear it from me." Hank nodded in agreement. Okay, I thought. We know what Wayne is up to, but where do we go from here? Before I could say it, Charlie took the words right out of my mouth. "How can we get in on this?" she asked. "I mean I don't want to sell myself but Sam and I know a lot of people that would be interested in the drugs. Is it weed? Coke? Pills? We could all make some money here." Charlie sometimes bartended at a restaurant and told Little Wayne that a lot of drugs go through the back door and we could probably get something going. Little Wayne was hesitant but Charlie batted her eyelashes at him and poured him another beer. Hank looked surprised that we would be interested in the shady stuff going on. "Yo, I don't think you guys want to be a part of that. Big Wayne isn't the kinda guy you should do business with." I whispered to Charlie that she should play a game of pool with Little Wayne. I wanted to talk to Hank alone and get a better read on him. Hank and I talked for a while and he made it clear that he didn't want any part of Wayne's side business. He was a recovering addict himself and hated being in an environment where that stuff was around, but he had trouble finding any other kind of work. He pleaded with me to not get involved and to keep Charlie out of it too. I wanted to tell him not to worry, that we had another mission, but I couldn't risk spilling the beans to him just yet. I had to give Charlie time to work her magic with Little Wayne and we had to come up with some kind of plan. A little while later Charlie and Little Wayne returned to our table. I noticed that Charlie was wearing her "I'm going to destroy everything that gets in my way" look and that made me even more curious about their conversation. After a couple more drinks Charlie and I left. On the ride home she told me what they discussed. Little Wayne laid out the basics of Big Wayne's operation. The carnival bounced around between about five or six different towns for most of the year- the only time it wasn't operating was during the winter months. In each town, Wayne sent out his working girls to the local bars and hangouts to push his drugs. If the girls happened to find a willing mark, they'd sleep with them, but most of the business was centered around the drugs. In either case, Wayne kept almost all the money the girls made and he definitely did not treat them well. Little Wayne didn't go into much detail about the supply side, or security, or any of the finer points about the business, but he told Charlie enough. Enough that she was pissed off. Enough to make her an enemy. We stopped at the mall and I drove us to the carnival area so she could meet Hector. One of the carnies that was on security patrol came to see what was going on, but waved us through when he saw it was me. Charlie approached Hector slowly, put her hand on his neck and began talking quietly to him. Big Wayne came out of his trailer and yelled "GET THE gently caress AWAY FROM MY DONKEY!". Charlie didn't pay any attention to him. I walked over to Wayne and told him I was just passing by and my girlfriend wanted to see Hector. He said something like "Well make it quick, I have things to do. That donkey is not worth seeing anyway. I should shoot him in the head right now." Charlie slowly turned and started to walk toward Wayne, her fists clenched. I grabbed her waist to stop her and said "Not now". We left and headed home. She was silent for a while then turned to me and said something about "going scorched earth" on Wayne. I thought "Way to go, Wayne. You done hosed up now." Once we were home Charlie started going through all of her hunting equipment- that was unsettling but I knew to give her some distance while she attempted to manage her anger. After a while she came to me and said "Tomorrow, we begin." The Charlie that I knew existed but had only seen a couple of times was coming online. I didn't sleep much that night.
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Mar 23, 2021 22:45
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isaboo posted:The Charlie that I knew existed but had only seen a couple of times was coming online. I didn't sleep much that night. gently caress.
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Mar 23, 2021 23:54
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oh poo poo
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Mar 24, 2021 00:07
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isaboo posted:Chapter 7 I was reading this bit just at the point in the song where the music shifts and goes a bit ominous (about 3:00). Excellent timing. I want to point out that including an appropriate song to go with every chapter is goddam fantastic. Not sure how to put that into a book (yes, write a book! please!) but it works really well here.
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Mar 24, 2021 00:32
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mom and dad fight a lot posted:gently caress. Code Jockey posted:oh poo poo Those were my thoughts exactly. ExecuDork posted:I was reading this bit just at the point in the song where the music shifts and goes a bit ominous (about 3:00). Excellent timing. I want to point out that including an appropriate song to go with every chapter is goddam fantastic. Not sure how to put that into a book (yes, write a book! please!) but it works really well here. Thanks! Choosing the songs is a lot of fun for me. It took me forever to find one for this chapter- I must've scrolled through my 20,000 mp3s (yes I'm one of those people) 3 times before I settled on the Dragonforce tune. For an e-book, I can probably just make the chapter titles into links to the songs. For the print version I think I'll do a "suggested listening" list.
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Mar 24, 2021 01:38
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That last song was the first one I played.
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Mar 24, 2021 01:49
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