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Mondo Gatto posted:I love bad movies, good movies are terrible. that's a bold and humorous statement to make, funny man (1994) (or woman or otherwise if you are, but that's not what the movie is called) "After winning a English stately house in a game of poker, a record producer finds it to be haunted by a demonic jester intent on murdering his family." Dell_Zincht posted:I'll bite. if you're not a fan of the past, maybe you'd like to step into the future with the companion (1994) by your side? "In the near-distant future (2015), a female romance writer is planning to write her next book in a remote mountain cabin. A friend convinces her to bring along a 'companion', a nearly-human android to cook and clean."
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May 28, 2021 09:59
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Flannelette posted:Give me a bad movie please, not super long quoting this post so it doesn't get lost or skipped, but i couldn't think of a movie significantly shorter than the usual actually, i could, i just couldn't find a place to watch it. if you feel like looking around, clown hunt (2008) is about an hour? Turpitude II fucked around with this message at 10:12 on May 28, 2021 |
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May 28, 2021 10:08
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After thinking about this at 5 am... we'll, for now, just have the 15 assigned people review their movies. After that we can do another round that will involve other people making suggestions. Deadline will be Sunday at midnight (but I'll be lenient if you need extra time). A review is like one longish paragraph at least, use your best judgement. The reviews can be posted in this thread. edit: if anyone wants to do the movies they've been assigned by other people they can of course do them!
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May 28, 2021 10:20
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fair. and if anyone wants to wait for an "official" assignment instead of watching anything i linked, that's ok. i jumped the gun, but i just got really enthusiastic about participating 
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May 28, 2021 10:36
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Turpitude II posted:if you're not a fan of the past, maybe you'd like to step into the future with the companion (1994) by your side? I mean this sounds awesome, i'll watch it tomorrow and write a detailed critique
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May 28, 2021 10:41
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Some poo poo l got bored by on YouTube: (assigned to no one in particular) Ladybugs (Rodney Dangerfield) The Longshot (1986) The First Power (1990 action) Dr. M (Dubbed German movie inspired by Dr. Mabuse) Enjoy as much as you can fellas.
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May 28, 2021 12:38
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Zoom (2006) – An almost hatless prostitution of the cinematic craft. Good for kids! Zoom is a children’s film staring Tim Allen. The film is 1 hour and 23 minutes long. According to IMDB the character Jack (played by Tim Allen) must “go back in time” and wrangle a group of children into a team of super heroes, for particular reasons probably addressed in the film somewhere. Whether these children just have super powers, or they are granted super power, I really do not care. The film soundtrack starts as the Columbia branding appears, it is a Smash Mouth song. Note: this is ignoring practical and uniform head wear. (Helmets worn by military pilots at 2:09, military personnel in field caps at 2:23, a beret held in a shoulder loop at 2:29, Larrabys field cap at 3:17). The first hat appears at 5:34, it is a pink cowboy style had with a darker pink ribbon around it, worn by a small girl in cowboy style attire (pink dress and boots) doing Trick or Treat. Trick-or-Treater’s and one is wearing what seems to be a white straw or papier mache hat of some ill-defined type.  Biff Tannen  A white with green, red and yellow flowers appears at 7:57  Life guard with white or tan bucket style hat (non uniform) at 8:07 circled in red, also possibly another unfortunately undefinable hat on a seated man, circled in green  (Military berets and a doctor in a cloth hair covering at 8:53, berets at 9:21, berets at 10:07, all uncounted) Child in red bucket hat at 10:48.  (Military berets at 11:31, doctor in hair covering at 11:49, berets at 11:51, military field cap at 16:35, berets and field caps at 17:07, person in hair covering at 19:29, beret at 21:03, all uncounted) Product placement during a superpower montage while another Smash Mouth song plays  (Berets at 22:00, 24:06, Jack puts on a field cap at 24:24, berets 24:50, berets and field caps 26:46) Jack and the super kids try to fly a UFO while Smash Mouth plays  Product placement as they read off a lot of menu items and Smash Mouth plays    (Wendys staff in staff hats 30:59, 31:45, 32:15) Guy in grey cap and guy in white or tan cowboy hat in the background at 32:21  (Military side caps at 32:40, hair covers 38:20, berets 39:12, side cap and beret 40:08, beret 41:44) Boonie style hat (possibly uniform?) worn by Dr Grant (Chevy Chase) 43:48  Training montage as Jimmy Eat World - The Middle plays (hooded clothing but no hats) 51:37  (Military helmets and various military hats 54:11, military field caps 59:02, side caps 1:03:54, berets 1:04:06, berets 1:04:45, 1:05:54, 1:06:44, field caps and berets 1:09:19, various military caps and helmets 1:12:53) The super hero child girl has a hat but that may be considered uniform.  (Military hats and helmets 1:14:38, 1:14:58, 1:15:05, 1:15:22) Jack puts on his uniform that incorporates a helmet (uniform)  (Military hats and helmets 1:19:45) For some reason the children put on a play, medieval costume hats 1:20:04  All in all this is a film with no real hats as far as stylish or fashion hats, its mainly uniform and practical workwear hats. Halloween Liker fucked around with this message at 13:22 on May 28, 2021 |
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May 28, 2021 13:20
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 A+ review, I now feel equipped to tackle this film should I find myself watching it.
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May 28, 2021 13:24
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Schweinhund posted:The Extraordinary Seaman (1969) I am firmly of the opinion that every film made in 1969 is worth watching for some reason or another and this did not disappoint. Watching without spoilers recommended.
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May 28, 2021 17:53
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I'm now actively searching for 1969 films on YouTube: the first one I watched was Alice's Restaurant which was slow but not bad It's Alive! on the other hand appears to be low budget horror too boring for words and I shan't watch it, feel free to assign this crap to yourself if you wanna.
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May 28, 2021 20:11
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Schweinhund posted:ok you get I do not like horror movies. I did not like this movie, but less because it was horror and more because it was dull. Quick plot synopsis: A Satanist priest (Ernest Borgnine) waits 300 years to get a book with all the people who sold their souls to the devil through him listed from a family that stole it from him before they were all burned at the stake. Today, he's set up shop in an abandoned ghost town nearby the current location of the descendents of that family (William Shatner, Tom Skerrit, Ida Lupino). So Borgnine has gathered all these followers that he controls completely due to some ceremony he does to them. Everyone in his control has no eyes and they all wear robes and bleed slimy whitish goo. Long story short, Borgnine loses and all the eyeless people melt, the end, except —plot twist–he didn't really lose and the movie ends. There really wasn't enough here for a full hour and a half movie, so there's a lot of stretching. They spend a lot of time showing people driving places, or walking places, or linger forever on one thing. The final part where everyone melts must have gone on for 10 minutes itself. That was impressively gross though. It was also really dark and hard to see what was going on a lot of the time. Do not recommend. I hoped it would be funny bad, but it was too boring to be entertaining like that. Some of the makeup effects were good though. Trivia:
Shatner  Borgnine, human  Borgnine, Satan  Skerritt  Flashback to 300 years ago  Jar o' Souls  Melting people   
Murdstone fucked around with this message at 21:43 on May 28, 2021 |
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May 28, 2021 21:31
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Schweinhund posted:The Extraordinary Seaman (1969) Here is my review of The Extraordinary Seaman (1969): For a movie that has the name seaman in the title there is very little cum. I am not really sure what the point was over all or why this was made other than the studio needed to blow a bunch of money before the year end or like Phillip Rock had some serious dirt on someone and they needed a cover to pay him off or soemthing. my favorite character was Seaman 1 / C Lightfoot Star portrayed by actor Manu Topou. He was an Indian and he had an axe. His only line was saying "Seaman 1st Class, Lightfoot Star". He said it twice. Mickey Rooney was also in the film. He played a cook who liked to say the "j" word a lot. All of the characters liked to say the "j" word a lot. The "j" word was probably the most said word in the film. The funniest part of the film was the scene that was a fresh take on the old gag of two movers carrying a giant piece of glass across the street and then someone crashes into it. It is two fishing boats and a fishing net instead of two moving guys and a glass window! Overall I learned a lot about the history of World War II specifically the war in the Pacific, but I would have liked it a lot more if they had kept the focus more on the titular cum and less on the boats. ★★☆☆☆
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May 28, 2021 21:46
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Schweinhund posted:Revenge of the Red Baron (1994) In 1991 Mickey Rooney wrote a memoir titled Life Is Too Short. If only his life had been a bit shorter, this piece of poo poo movie wouldn't have been made. He also wrote a novel, The Search For Sunny Skies. They're not found in this film. Still mad about that whole getting shot down thing, the Red Baron has returned from Hell to possess this puppet:  I don't know what to say about that. It's not a scary design, it's not funny, it doesn't say anything memorable. On a scale of zero to Chucky, as far as puppet villains go, I rate the Red Baron a pile of poo poo. "Don't worry, Toby. You'll be Spider-Man soon and no one will remember you were in this."  Toby pulls out the shotty while looking like the kid from the Rowsdower episode of MST3K, a show this movie could never be featured on because there's no comedy potential here.  Bedroom eyes from the Baron:  Hey, that guy from Mad TV! I should've watched that instead.  Yeesh.  In the climactic moments of this film, the Red Baron turns into an actual guy who... doesn't look a whole lot like Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen.   They trick the Baron into flying into some power lines and then Mickey Rooney dramatically sacrifices himself with some exposed wires that are conveniently near his chair. He is seated in every scene except for the hospital bit where he's lying down. I'm guessing he was forced to do this movie because of some Hollywood slavery contractual bullshit that he couldn't get out of, so he said "I'll do it, but I'm not getting up."  Rooney would live for twenty more years after dropping this turd on the home VHS market. God drat him. There is no reason for you to watch this movie. This place is not a place of honor... no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here... nothing valued is here. I actually forgot I watched this last night because I was blackout drunk. I am annoyed my partner reminded me. Two thumbs down, zero stars, a completely rotten tomato.
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May 28, 2021 21:53
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Schweinhund posted:Going Bananas (1987) For anyone who hasn't seen this the movie, here's the plot: An American kid 's neglectful and probably corrupt senator father sends him to Africa for fun. Dom DeLuise joins him as the comedic foil. They meet up with a guide named "Moe" (played by conservative rear end in a top hat Jimmie JJ Walker) who takes them on safari where they meet a chimpanzee named "Bonzo". Bonzo demonstrates sapience and the ability to speak basic English, which draws the attention of a corrupt local official. The official captures Bonzo and sells him to a circus owner. The kid has formed a bond with Bonzo so they go through a whole lot of bullshit to get him back. The plot of the movie is essentially not far off from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The movie isn't terrible, but its pretty bad. It's loaded with a specific brand of mid to late 80s lighthearted racism, like this scene where Dom DeLuise goes to an African dentist: https://i.imgur.com/FdEdW8i.mp4 It has its moments though, like in the first few minutes where the boat captain taking the kid to Africa tells Jimmie Walker to go to hell, which is something every one should do. Also this scene where Dom DeLuise kills a man by ejecting him through a window: https://i.imgur.com/L5KA2kg.mp4 To summarize: If you're in the mood to watch a tiny man in a monkey suit go on a wild, slightly racist adventure with a kid, Dom DeLuise, and Jimmie "JJ" Walker you don't really have many options besides this movie. Bonus gifs: https://i.imgur.com/vJTlukz.mp4 https://i.imgur.com/yKolvWg.mp4
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May 28, 2021 22:25
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well now I’m sold on the concept. I’d like to cut my reviewing teeth on a surprise cinema offering,
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May 28, 2021 22:45
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If these movies are so bad, why are the reviews so entertaining??? Y'all are going beyond the call of duty with these reviews  SatansOnion posted:well now I’m sold on the concept. I’d like to cut my reviewing teeth on a surprise cinema offering, I will start things back up probably tomorrow with a slightly different format. Everyone will be able to review and recommend movies. Stay tuned!
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May 28, 2021 23:22
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after reading everyone else's reviews I feel like I got off really easy with my assignment lol
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May 29, 2021 00:16
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Schweinhund posted:this is my last one right now, so Slapstick of Another Kind tl;dr: If you're rich and powerful and beautiful, aliens may swap your babies for I guess fairly unattractive, giant, incestuous twin baby "advisors" who can guide your planet to a better way of life. But they definitely won't succeed because society is not ready to accept twin-brother-on-sister nakedness, and that is the price of admission to true brilliance. Based on the book Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (which I definitely have not read), this movie explores the themes of love, twincest, and the American way. Our tale begins in the vast reaches of space, as a disembodied male and female voice discuss the earth being - once again - on the brink of destruction. Despite having sent twin advisors to China (apparently "sending" twin advisors means replacing a pregnant near-due woman's baby with twin alien babies instead) to try to save the planet, all that has come of it is China trying to take over the world by "playing with gravity." Not one to give up, the male voice - against the female's protestations - wants to try to save humanity again. This time, to balance out their earlier mistake, they will "send" twin advisors to the richest, most beautiful, most powerful couple in the US, while at the same time recalling their advisors from China. Cut to two men in a maternity ward, nervously awaiting news on their pregnant wives. One, an unattractive man, and the other, a ?slightly-less-unattractive? man who is apparently one half of the richest, most beautiful, most powerful (RBP) couple in the US.  The unattractive man turns to the RBP man and bemoans his ill-fated children ("I don't know why they let people as ugly as me reproduce. I should be circumcised!" THIS IS HUMOR). The RBP man reassures the other gentleman that All Babies Are Beautiful - when suddenly he is informed that his wife has given birth to fraternal twins that are so ugly, they send the RBP man into a literal coughing fit. He is so distraught, he stumbles backward and falls many stories out a window into a trough of paint! LOL! Slapstick!   Roll the intro credits and... Away. We. Go! The family doctor who delivered the twins (one Dr. Frankenstein) convinces the RBP couple that the children are unlikely to live very long, so they should be left in his care so the couple can continue to be rich, beautiful, and powerful, without such a burden hanging over their heads. They agree and Frankenstein hires a small coterie of 30 servants to care for the children and raise them in an isolated mansion. China suddenly announces they are cutting all ties with the rest of the world. The UN Ambassador from China - carrying some oriental pottery - arrives at a TV station to make the announcement. But wait! LOL! The man carrying the pottery isn't the UN Ambassador! He's CARRYING the UN Ambassador in the pottery! You see, Tiny Pat Morita (with voice tweaked to a nice high pitch), announces they have nothing left to learn from the world.  There are very vague and poorly made allusions that China has shrunken its whole population down as a means of reducing their resource consumption - less space, less food, fewer resources needed. He concludes his speech by noting mysteriously that TWINS are the answer to all the world's problems, and cements their separation from the rest of the world with a well-known American saying: "Up your rear end with Mobil gas!" Fifteen years later... Gas is $1000/gal and cars (and apparently planes!) are instead powered by literal chicken poo poo. Sadly, it is not a very efficient source of energy, so it appears that they need to outfit all cars (and planes!) with chicken coups so they can actively poo poo into the tank to fuel them.  Ford Motor Corporation has decided to freeze all new model development so they can instead retrofit all the old, useless cars strewn about their highways with chicken coups and chicken poo poo engines. LOL! Literal chicken poo poo! It would appear that the twins (ostensibly now 15 years old) did not pass away and are instead now bigger than your average grown adult, but sleeping in giant cribs and wearing adorable matching blue and pink onesies.  Dr. Frankenstein visits the RBP and informs them the twins are doing fine and they shouldn't worry about them being lonely - "They adore each other. They even suck each other's thumbs!" The twins, Wilbur & Eliza, are, of course, beyond brilliant. They've already written essays on topics such as solving the social ills of society and are well along on their essay on gravity... but they've learned that on this planet, everyone tries to act as dumb as possible, so they keep their brilliance between themselves and act as though they can't even speak or read or understand anything around anyone else. But the Chinese have been spying on the twins and they know how brilliant the children are. They reestablish contact with the US by flying their miniature spinning UFO to the RBP couple's home and telling them how smart the kids are and how they want to "make a deal for the control of gravity."  Did I mention the UFO is actually a spinning fortune cookie?! LOL!  The RBP parents are convinced to visit their twins, with the US President at their side. The servants - who have spent the last 15 years partying and drinking as much champagne as possible in the mansion - rush into action to clean the mansion and prepare the twins for the visit. Upon meeting their parents and the president, the kids act as imbecilic and destructive as possible, trying to impress their parents by showing off how dumb they can be. They act up SO MUCH! the butler has to spray them with a giant spray can labeled MACE.  The twins pass out, I guess, as is typical when you're sprayed with copious amounts of MACE. When they come to, the parents are discussing how sad they are that their children don't show even a glimmer of intellect in their eyes. The twins overhear this and decide to dress up in the finest attire and come clean and tell them they thought the planet valued idiocy and they were just trying to impress their parents.  Dr. Frankenstein (who accompanied the parents & president on the visit) administers an intelligence test to each child separately. They test quite poorly and complain that they can't even think without the other, but the doctor will have NONE OF THIS! They insist they are truly smart when they can be together, so the President gives them a shot and asks them how to save America. They literally put their heads together and start thinking but it's not enough.  This is the hardest question they've ever thought on, so they say they need to touch each other more... shirtless  The parents are not ok with their kids being down to clown and separate them before this turns into Twincest 2: Erotic Boogaloo. They're put into straight jackets and Eliza is kept at the mansion while Wilbur is dragged away to the Custom Military School for Screwed Up Boys  This movie is... subtle. Naturally, the farther apart they are, the dumber each of them becomes. Eliza sleeps in the attic with the bats ("Bats are animals god made for ugly people") and Wilbur is apparently being tortured by receiving electrical shocks while reading books and being denied sleep for some undefined reason. But they do improve on his looks with this disguise:  Pat Morita flies his fortune cookie into the mansion and tells Eliza how to find Wilbur. She rushes to the military school and uses her monstrous strength to free him and carries him into the woods, but he's gone catatonic from all the electrical shocks. The more time they spend together, the smarter Eliza grows again! Eventually Wilbur awakens and they recount their plan for a perfect society. You see, when each person is born, they will be given a middle name composed of (1) A noun - maybe a flower or a plant or an animal, and (2) a number. For example, your middle name might be Uranium-123. Anyone with the same noun would be your cousin. Anyone with the same number would be your sibling. No matter where you go, you'd have thousands of brothers and sisters and hundreds of thousands of cousins! So the next time you end up fighting with someone, chances are, they're your family! Brilliant! They then move on to the bigger problem they've been trying to solve... Gravity. By putting their heads together again, they realize that "Einstein got the math of a photon wrong!"  They're on the verge of figuring out gravity (????) when the Chinese show up and try to kidnap them back to China, under threat of death. They say they'd rather die and moments before they're killed, the never-before-seen aliens from the beginning of the movie sweep in to rescue them and take them back to their home world.  You see, the Earth wasn't ready for their message. Humans need to learn to stop seeing with their eyes and listening with their ears... and learn to start listening with their hearts <3 THE END quote:Be sure to explain wtf this title means. Uh. Well you see... Uh... .random fucked around with this message at 05:53 on May 29, 2021 |
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May 29, 2021 01:44
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Schweinhund posted:After thinking about this at 5 am... we'll, for now, just have the 15 assigned people review their movies. After that we can do another round that will involve other people making suggestions. maybe I shoulda read that before I did this Sword of the Valiant – 1984 Whoa, MGM made this…oh, this is actually A CANNON FILMS movie. Then that explains things. Now I just want more! Starring the best drat He-Man knockoff I ever did see. So Sean Connery, Peter Cushing, and John Rys-Davis are here? And this is supposed to be bad? Now we are at the Renaissance Faire, which is also cool. The King, who also has a dumbass haircut, is complaining that all his knights have gone soft in belly. Which, hey maybe they have. They look like slobs. King (is it Arthur? I don’t know a lot about this stuff) that we need a real knight to show us how its done. ENTER SEAN CONNERY BLOWING IN A GREEN WIND, who kinda looks like Robin Williams in Jumanji, except he’s got a bigass axe. He calls out all the puny men who can’t cut off his head, give it a try. But if he survives, then he gets a try at their neck. And everyone is just too cowardly to do it. My god Connery looks like such a hosed up madman, it rules. He’s got gold paint and flecks of gold all over his face. But now that we’re getting a closeup his armor kinda looks like a St. Patrick’s Day centerpiece you would put on a dining room table. So Gewain steps up because everyone else is scared, and he was the He-Man looking dude from before with the really dumb haircut. AH HE CUTS THE HEAD OFF and the head starts talking but it is literally a mannequin head moving its lips like a Pee-Wee’s Playhouse doll. He picks his head back up and tells Gwain that in one year he will come back to kill him, so he’s gotta learn how to be a man. So now we’re going on the Gawain adventures? And the first joke of the movie is about how Gawain doesn’t know how to get out of his armor so he can pee. Like an astronaut, dude – and this movie seems like half the dialogue is ADR with people looking off into the distance where you can’t see their face Well he and his squire (Humphrey? Wasn’r paying attention to names) don’t have any food, so they see a loving UNICORN which is a horse with a fake horn on it. For a person so brave before, Gawain is a loving dumbass and wants to hunt this unicorn and eat it. Well the unicorn is cornered and this magicks away itself, and a tent shows up, where food magically appears in front of them. They gorge themselves and look gross and cut to them surrounded by bones. So this is one of those movies where all the “name” actors show up for one scene to get paid and then the people who do 80% of the talking are just nobodies? Because a lady (witch?) shows up demanding payment for the things they ate. And I have no idea who she is but she is acting like she is a somebody. And she keeps rubbin’ her titties. But Gawain gets suspicious and wants to cut her up after eating all her food and hanging out in her tent. She tells them to go and blow on this trumpet somewhere. And she is looking in a crystal ball acting all excited because he’s blowing on this thing. This summons a knight who calls the Trumpet “the great Trump” which hey sounds like a slogan. He asks to fight, Gawain okays. The other knight is on horse with real armor, and apparently Gawain’s armor was ceremonial – meaning he’s going to be swiss cheese. Oh, he’s THE BLACK KNIGHT. And then he keeps getting his rear end kicked. And he is, and so much ADR for his voice. I cannot tell from this link if the actual movie was like this or if the stream is just cutting off the sides because everything seems so poorly framed. Like heads cut off at the top, bodies cut off on the sides…can’t see poo poo. Black knight sounds like all his grunts are through a paper towel tube. Oh the black knight is again a known guy (but not known to me, now I’m just casually looking at Wikipedia while this roles on…and the Wikipedia summary is about is detailed and long as my writing now. So now they’re going somewhere? The score is getting cheesier and there are abrupt cuts to another place and another score, with a shitload of bells. LOL the black knight tricked Gawain and brought him into town and just went “this guy tried to kill me, kill him!” Gawain is continuously a dumbass every time. He then gets stuck in between gates and another sexy lady gives him a stone that makes him invisible? And Gawain’s hair has turned into the mid 80s instead of the He-Man poof. Somehow this woman knows him, and was expecting him to show up…since forever? They start giving bedroom eyes at each other…cut to Gawain in the dark saying “is this a dream?” Rita Repulsa is talking to the younger woman, I guess they’re saying because he killed the Black Knight Gawain should be the new guardian of the kingdom? Well Rita gets wiff of this scheme and wants to kill the young woman now, but Gawain shows up to save the day, in underwear. I haven’t mentioned it yet but this guy’s accent is so loving dumb, it is really what any American would come up with in 10 minutes. Well when writing that I kinda lost track on what the old woman and the young woman are talking about, maybe about how the old king (black knight) was just a drunk whoremonger. But now Gawain will be the new champion…also you gotta marry the old lady. Dun dun dun Gawain and the young woman are plotting on how to get out of the old kingdom, but certainly this won’t work. Her name is Leonard? And now they declare love for each other. Just the right amount of cheezy synth for the make out sesh. So the plan was to just walk out the front door and no one would see them? Dumbass. They fight up the stairs, and one guy gets sent down the stairs like a slide. Knights are now just lining up to get their rear end kicked in these telegraphed moves where Gawain is just kicking cardboard cutouts down. And Leonard is captured. Now it is just sad because they really line up to get their rear end kicked. And then he stabs a guy, but these swords just like go into bodies they just poke the dude at the top, so it looks painful for the actual actor to get poked by these things, and then he FLIPS HIS SWORD, HOLDS IT BY THE BLADE, AND BASEBALL BATS A GUY WITH THE HANDLE INSTEAD. That was okay. They’re trapped at the top of the tower, she flings him his ring, says “goodbye” in very close up, and he’s transported to a beach. Yay Connery is back, and he’s yelling at the witch about loving his up game. And he turns her into a frog! Oh, it’s a frog puppet, and it starts talking asking Connery to gently caress it. Connery then talks to Gawain through the crystal ball. Wow all of that stuff was supposed to be 6 months? What the gently caress Gawain finds some monks who have taken a vow of silence, except one guy who talks to them. And the talker says they are bad company because they don’t fart. He points to the rock of wisdom, they both belly laugh and Gawain fucks off. We find the sage, who has a cockney accent, asks for the bottle of hedgehog spit. He tells him Gawain isn’t playing the Green Knight’s game. He tells him that he isn’t doing the game right – not following the story? The Sage tells him to get back in the game, and now he’s back with the frog witch, he fucks up a armor and fucks up the frog that is now pottery. He magically goes back to Lioness but everything is covered in cobwebs and old, frozen in place. He puts the ring back on leonard and kisses her hand, she turns back into the young woman. Humphrey just shows up again. Red knight shows up with Peter Cushing being dragged behind. “a maiden…I will have her” the red knight says, and he doesn’t have eyebrows or something. They take Leonard away. So they gotta go save her. Gawain’s hair is poofy again but still wearing underwear. They do the “knock people out and take their clothes” bit I think but we don’t see anything. This red knight guy really wants to rape Leonard. Gawain is like now in a prison? Or training to be a knight. He is reamed out by red knight guy, asked to be shown how to use a sword. Maybe he does have eyebrows. Gawain shows off his skills and makes the other guy look like a fool. He is wearing such a poofy jacket. Humphrey makes him spare the dumbass. And Gawain is not off the the dungeons because he didn’t kill the guy. He gets racked. Peter Cushing is Baron Fortinbras. Hey the talky monk guy is back, gives exposition on what’s going on. Wait Baron Fortinbras is John Rys Davies who is a manchild doing battles in a big fake castle with little toy soldiers. He rules and is very hammy. Then who the hell is Peter Cushing? Whatever, big meal scene with Fortinbras Rhy Davies hamming it up. Bertolac comes in and says we’re going to war. But then Peter Cushing, playing Medievil Grand Moff Tarkin, says there is a better way. Humphrey sneaks out of the jail, and Im really starting to lose the plot because I don’t wanna stop this movie anymore to write this, just keep writing. We got an blacksmith that looks like Stephen Baldwin. Red Knight guy kinda looks like Jimi Simpson, the redhead McPoyle, is getting drunk and ready to rape Leonard. Gawain steals a sword and kills a blacksmith.Coreography that is really just two guys hitting swords back and forth. Now they going to save Leonard? Boy I really hope this is just cut off on all sides because if it isn’t this movie doesn’t make a lot of sense. Gawain doesn’t make it in time, Leonard and Red Knight somehow knocked down some fire and burned up, Gawain gets knocked into the moat, and he’s sad. Gets drunk? Connery shows up to give him a pep talk or threaten to kill him. Gawain wanders into a random castle. Oh he has shown up in Bertolac’s castle. He is allowed to rest, but now Leonard shows up? So she didn’t get burnedup, instead Bertolac saved her? Now Bertolac is happy to see them together? Maybe, hard to tell at this point. Magically the year is now over, and Gawain is going to face the green knight. Gawain has new armor is ready to face the Green Knight. He is lifted onto his horse by pulleys like Henry VIII. He gets a sash fro Leonard that will protect him. And all his friends come out to be with him to face the knight. Oops, first he has to face the rapey knight. They are shooting this like they have only 1 set of horses so you can’t see both sides at the same time. Red knight champion down, but back up? Or another guy. I can now tell Gawain has gold armor. Now all of a sudden a real battle breaks out, getting good shots of dudes taking headers off horses. Gawain falls off his horse, throws the saddle at the rapey knight to get him off, funny. They lose shields and go sword and dagger like pirates. Peter Cushing says not to save the red knight as Gawain kills him. Green Knight shows up, other characters say their goodbyes, I guess they’re not showing up again. Green knight gets his axe to chop. Can’t reallt tell if that is sean connery’s chest hair or part of the costume. Leonard’s sash saves Gawain, they have a final fight. Gwain quickly stabs him, and Connery starts turning white and his face turns to ash. He goes back to Leonard but she says he’s gotta go. She turns into a bird and flies away! And a literal freeze frame on Gawain’s face, smash cut to credits. Overall, this has very cheezy music, really bad acting by the main guy and woman, and good cameos were they get to ham it up. And everything does seem really cheap. It has been a while since I’ve watched a cannon film – and how really unprofessional they can look and get. Stupid, but worth having on in the background. 4/10 No screenshots because I'm lazy.
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May 29, 2021 02:07
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.random posted:Slapstick of Another Kind Holy poo poo, I actually read and enjoyed the book and it now seems obvious that to properly adapt it to a movie would've required an amazing director like maybe Kubrick. What an amazing mess this film is.
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May 29, 2021 04:42
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Assign me a movie immediately.
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May 29, 2021 04:43
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:Assign me a movie immediately. here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=py_WBhCxoKc need a 5000 word synopsis or youll be the first one I ban once they finally make me a mod
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May 29, 2021 04:50
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Nooner posted:here You piece of poo poo
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May 29, 2021 04:50
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Nooner posted:here Oh there's a plane at 40:35, that's at least 2000 words there. Turpitude II posted:quoting this post so it doesn't get lost or skipped, but i couldn't think of a movie significantly shorter than the usual I'll try to find it, I don't mind 90 minute movies just not the ones that are like 3 hours. Old 60-80s ones too they are often good bad movies. By popular demand posted:Some poo poo l got bored by on YouTube: (assigned to no one in particular) These are all at worst OK movies 
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May 29, 2021 04:55
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For reference I will not be watching the eight hour Andy Warhol film of the Empire State Building please give me a real option with a max runtime of 3 hours I will maybe stretch it to 3 if it is a film with a NARRATIVE
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May 29, 2021 04:57
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By popular demand posted:Holy poo poo, I actually read and enjoyed the book and it now seems obvious that to properly adapt it to a movie would've required an amazing director like maybe Kubrick. You mean to say the summary I wrote doesn’t precisely track with the novel? Knowing what I know about Vonnegut’s other works, I am shocked to hear that Jerry Lewis playing a giant toddler in a onesie, running around in circles while the butler chases him with a can of MACE is not true to canon 
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May 29, 2021 05:01
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:For reference I will not be watching the eight hour Andy Warhol film of the Empire State Building please give me a real option with a max runtime of 3 hours I will maybe stretch it to 3 if it is a film with a NARRATIVE Assignments are currently closed so the original reviews can be posted & discussed with full attention and for other reasons. Tomorrow afternoon-ish I will update the op with new rules and you can post then to get a movie.
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May 29, 2021 05:33
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I wonder how many actors turned down the role of "beautiful husband" before they had to settle for Jerry Lewis.
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May 29, 2021 05:38
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Schweinhund posted:I wonder how many actors turned down the role of "beautiful husband" before they had to settle for Jerry Lewis. My guess: all of them. After reading everyone else’s reviews, I now realize mine is more of a synopsis than a review... I hope I don’t get probed 
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May 29, 2021 06:27
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Can I get someone to dissect The Undefeated (1969 John Wayne) and tell me if it's southern apologia? I know that John Wayne had him some opinions and I can't quite bring myself to watch a movie whose protagonist is a confederate officer.
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May 29, 2021 07:32
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 Ok, post now if you want an awful movie recommended to you!!! The first post has been update with new rules. The gist is anyone can fill a request but wait at least 24 hours before making a second recommendation.
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May 29, 2021 15:07
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Schweinhund posted:
Me now that it is available!!
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May 29, 2021 15:23
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me pleas I’d love a movie and please make it from after 1995 
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May 29, 2021 15:30
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Owlspiracy posted:me pleas I’d love a movie and please make it from after 1995 I am not pathetic like this, I will watch anything from the dawn of film onwards.
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May 29, 2021 15:34
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:I am not pathetic like this, I will watch anything from the dawn of film onwards. Marquis (1989) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTB5_eNhOZw 
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May 29, 2021 16:33
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Schweinhund posted:
I would still like a bad movie please. By popular demand posted:Can I get someone to dissect The Undefeated (1969 John Wayne) and tell me if it's southern apologia? I've watched it and it is, or rather it seems to be part of the southern strategy given the timing and John Wayne's involvement. It goes out of it's way to portray confed soldiers/plantation owners as good people who are just being victimized by the government and northerners. I can talk about it more if you like. Flannelette fucked around with this message at 16:41 on May 29, 2021 |
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May 29, 2021 16:33
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 this is the place for awful movies, propogandist trash is valid awful.
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May 29, 2021 17:29
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bossy lady posted:Marquis (1989) Aight thanks, challenge accepted, gonna watch.
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May 29, 2021 17:34
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Wasn't this supposed to be bad movies? Because this poo poo loving owns so bad thus far lol.
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May 29, 2021 17:40
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Wow lmao, all I can say is, bossy lady, thank you for showing me this, because this isn't a bad movie in the SLIGHTEST definition of the term, it loving owns insanely bad. I will write a dissertation on this flick as soon as I finish because it's legit so drat good lol.
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May 29, 2021 17:48
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