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Dang, I wanted in
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May 28, 2021 06:56
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Schweinhund posted:After thinking about this at 5 am... we'll, for now, just have the 15 assigned people review their movies. After that we can do another round that will involve other people making suggestions. maybe I shoulda read that before I did this Sword of the Valiant – 1984 Whoa, MGM made this…oh, this is actually A CANNON FILMS movie. Then that explains things. Now I just want more! Starring the best drat He-Man knockoff I ever did see. So Sean Connery, Peter Cushing, and John Rys-Davis are here? And this is supposed to be bad? Now we are at the Renaissance Faire, which is also cool. The King, who also has a dumbass haircut, is complaining that all his knights have gone soft in belly. Which, hey maybe they have. They look like slobs. King (is it Arthur? I don’t know a lot about this stuff) that we need a real knight to show us how its done. ENTER SEAN CONNERY BLOWING IN A GREEN WIND, who kinda looks like Robin Williams in Jumanji, except he’s got a bigass axe. He calls out all the puny men who can’t cut off his head, give it a try. But if he survives, then he gets a try at their neck. And everyone is just too cowardly to do it. My god Connery looks like such a hosed up madman, it rules. He’s got gold paint and flecks of gold all over his face. But now that we’re getting a closeup his armor kinda looks like a St. Patrick’s Day centerpiece you would put on a dining room table. So Gewain steps up because everyone else is scared, and he was the He-Man looking dude from before with the really dumb haircut. AH HE CUTS THE HEAD OFF and the head starts talking but it is literally a mannequin head moving its lips like a Pee-Wee’s Playhouse doll. He picks his head back up and tells Gwain that in one year he will come back to kill him, so he’s gotta learn how to be a man. So now we’re going on the Gawain adventures? And the first joke of the movie is about how Gawain doesn’t know how to get out of his armor so he can pee. Like an astronaut, dude – and this movie seems like half the dialogue is ADR with people looking off into the distance where you can’t see their face Well he and his squire (Humphrey? Wasn’r paying attention to names) don’t have any food, so they see a loving UNICORN which is a horse with a fake horn on it. For a person so brave before, Gawain is a loving dumbass and wants to hunt this unicorn and eat it. Well the unicorn is cornered and this magicks away itself, and a tent shows up, where food magically appears in front of them. They gorge themselves and look gross and cut to them surrounded by bones. So this is one of those movies where all the “name” actors show up for one scene to get paid and then the people who do 80% of the talking are just nobodies? Because a lady (witch?) shows up demanding payment for the things they ate. And I have no idea who she is but she is acting like she is a somebody. And she keeps rubbin’ her titties. But Gawain gets suspicious and wants to cut her up after eating all her food and hanging out in her tent. She tells them to go and blow on this trumpet somewhere. And she is looking in a crystal ball acting all excited because he’s blowing on this thing. This summons a knight who calls the Trumpet “the great Trump” which hey sounds like a slogan. He asks to fight, Gawain okays. The other knight is on horse with real armor, and apparently Gawain’s armor was ceremonial – meaning he’s going to be swiss cheese. Oh, he’s THE BLACK KNIGHT. And then he keeps getting his rear end kicked. And he is, and so much ADR for his voice. I cannot tell from this link if the actual movie was like this or if the stream is just cutting off the sides because everything seems so poorly framed. Like heads cut off at the top, bodies cut off on the sides…can’t see poo poo. Black knight sounds like all his grunts are through a paper towel tube. Oh the black knight is again a known guy (but not known to me, now I’m just casually looking at Wikipedia while this roles on…and the Wikipedia summary is about is detailed and long as my writing now. So now they’re going somewhere? The score is getting cheesier and there are abrupt cuts to another place and another score, with a shitload of bells. LOL the black knight tricked Gawain and brought him into town and just went “this guy tried to kill me, kill him!” Gawain is continuously a dumbass every time. He then gets stuck in between gates and another sexy lady gives him a stone that makes him invisible? And Gawain’s hair has turned into the mid 80s instead of the He-Man poof. Somehow this woman knows him, and was expecting him to show up…since forever? They start giving bedroom eyes at each other…cut to Gawain in the dark saying “is this a dream?” Rita Repulsa is talking to the younger woman, I guess they’re saying because he killed the Black Knight Gawain should be the new guardian of the kingdom? Well Rita gets wiff of this scheme and wants to kill the young woman now, but Gawain shows up to save the day, in underwear. I haven’t mentioned it yet but this guy’s accent is so loving dumb, it is really what any American would come up with in 10 minutes. Well when writing that I kinda lost track on what the old woman and the young woman are talking about, maybe about how the old king (black knight) was just a drunk whoremonger. But now Gawain will be the new champion…also you gotta marry the old lady. Dun dun dun Gawain and the young woman are plotting on how to get out of the old kingdom, but certainly this won’t work. Her name is Leonard? And now they declare love for each other. Just the right amount of cheezy synth for the make out sesh. So the plan was to just walk out the front door and no one would see them? Dumbass. They fight up the stairs, and one guy gets sent down the stairs like a slide. Knights are now just lining up to get their rear end kicked in these telegraphed moves where Gawain is just kicking cardboard cutouts down. And Leonard is captured. Now it is just sad because they really line up to get their rear end kicked. And then he stabs a guy, but these swords just like go into bodies they just poke the dude at the top, so it looks painful for the actual actor to get poked by these things, and then he FLIPS HIS SWORD, HOLDS IT BY THE BLADE, AND BASEBALL BATS A GUY WITH THE HANDLE INSTEAD. That was okay. They’re trapped at the top of the tower, she flings him his ring, says “goodbye” in very close up, and he’s transported to a beach. Yay Connery is back, and he’s yelling at the witch about loving his up game. And he turns her into a frog! Oh, it’s a frog puppet, and it starts talking asking Connery to gently caress it. Connery then talks to Gawain through the crystal ball. Wow all of that stuff was supposed to be 6 months? What the gently caress Gawain finds some monks who have taken a vow of silence, except one guy who talks to them. And the talker says they are bad company because they don’t fart. He points to the rock of wisdom, they both belly laugh and Gawain fucks off. We find the sage, who has a cockney accent, asks for the bottle of hedgehog spit. He tells him Gawain isn’t playing the Green Knight’s game. He tells him that he isn’t doing the game right – not following the story? The Sage tells him to get back in the game, and now he’s back with the frog witch, he fucks up a armor and fucks up the frog that is now pottery. He magically goes back to Lioness but everything is covered in cobwebs and old, frozen in place. He puts the ring back on leonard and kisses her hand, she turns back into the young woman. Humphrey just shows up again. Red knight shows up with Peter Cushing being dragged behind. “a maiden…I will have her” the red knight says, and he doesn’t have eyebrows or something. They take Leonard away. So they gotta go save her. Gawain’s hair is poofy again but still wearing underwear. They do the “knock people out and take their clothes” bit I think but we don’t see anything. This red knight guy really wants to rape Leonard. Gawain is like now in a prison? Or training to be a knight. He is reamed out by red knight guy, asked to be shown how to use a sword. Maybe he does have eyebrows. Gawain shows off his skills and makes the other guy look like a fool. He is wearing such a poofy jacket. Humphrey makes him spare the dumbass. And Gawain is not off the the dungeons because he didn’t kill the guy. He gets racked. Peter Cushing is Baron Fortinbras. Hey the talky monk guy is back, gives exposition on what’s going on. Wait Baron Fortinbras is John Rys Davies who is a manchild doing battles in a big fake castle with little toy soldiers. He rules and is very hammy. Then who the hell is Peter Cushing? Whatever, big meal scene with Fortinbras Rhy Davies hamming it up. Bertolac comes in and says we’re going to war. But then Peter Cushing, playing Medievil Grand Moff Tarkin, says there is a better way. Humphrey sneaks out of the jail, and Im really starting to lose the plot because I don’t wanna stop this movie anymore to write this, just keep writing. We got an blacksmith that looks like Stephen Baldwin. Red Knight guy kinda looks like Jimi Simpson, the redhead McPoyle, is getting drunk and ready to rape Leonard. Gawain steals a sword and kills a blacksmith.Coreography that is really just two guys hitting swords back and forth. Now they going to save Leonard? Boy I really hope this is just cut off on all sides because if it isn’t this movie doesn’t make a lot of sense. Gawain doesn’t make it in time, Leonard and Red Knight somehow knocked down some fire and burned up, Gawain gets knocked into the moat, and he’s sad. Gets drunk? Connery shows up to give him a pep talk or threaten to kill him. Gawain wanders into a random castle. Oh he has shown up in Bertolac’s castle. He is allowed to rest, but now Leonard shows up? So she didn’t get burnedup, instead Bertolac saved her? Now Bertolac is happy to see them together? Maybe, hard to tell at this point. Magically the year is now over, and Gawain is going to face the green knight. Gawain has new armor is ready to face the Green Knight. He is lifted onto his horse by pulleys like Henry VIII. He gets a sash fro Leonard that will protect him. And all his friends come out to be with him to face the knight. Oops, first he has to face the rapey knight. They are shooting this like they have only 1 set of horses so you can’t see both sides at the same time. Red knight champion down, but back up? Or another guy. I can now tell Gawain has gold armor. Now all of a sudden a real battle breaks out, getting good shots of dudes taking headers off horses. Gawain falls off his horse, throws the saddle at the rapey knight to get him off, funny. They lose shields and go sword and dagger like pirates. Peter Cushing says not to save the red knight as Gawain kills him. Green Knight shows up, other characters say their goodbyes, I guess they’re not showing up again. Green knight gets his axe to chop. Can’t reallt tell if that is sean connery’s chest hair or part of the costume. Leonard’s sash saves Gawain, they have a final fight. Gwain quickly stabs him, and Connery starts turning white and his face turns to ash. He goes back to Leonard but she says he’s gotta go. She turns into a bird and flies away! And a literal freeze frame on Gawain’s face, smash cut to credits. Overall, this has very cheezy music, really bad acting by the main guy and woman, and good cameos were they get to ham it up. And everything does seem really cheap. It has been a while since I’ve watched a cannon film – and how really unprofessional they can look and get. Stupid, but worth having on in the background. 4/10 No screenshots because I'm lazy.
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May 29, 2021 02:07
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