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Like if I offered to shake your hand and you, being a total loving idiot moron, reach out to shake it but at the last moment I pull my hand back and pretend to smooth my hair making you look like a loving dorkus while you sit there with your outstretched hand. Oh charade you are.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:10
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Or, like, if I, like, told you that you had a mustard stain on your shirt and you, king of loving dweebus alley, look down because you are so ficking vain and all you care about is what other pwople think of you and I flick your nose making you look like an utter fool IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. THER WAS NEVER A STAIN DUMMY I MADE THAT poo poo UP
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Jul 7, 2021 07:12
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Or, get this, you're, like, wearing one of those loving rainbow propeller beanie hat things. IT'S JUST THAT. You look foolish in the hat.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:13
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up high down low too slow
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Jul 7, 2021 07:13
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I fart but my dog blames it on you.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:14
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I mean, what if I, like, put a match in your shoe while you were distracted. Probably looking in the mirror AGAIN (jesus christ). I light the match and walk away and befor you know it you're jumping around like an insane person and then we have to have you commited because OL HOTFOOT COMMMITED FOOLIO THEY TAKE YOU TO THE LOONY BIN, FAM
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Jul 7, 2021 07:15
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I give you a hammer and a screwdriver and some wood glue and a jigsaw to build a bird house and then you use bubblegum and a chainsaw to put it together because that’s the way the homies told you to doot and then i smash the birdhouse over your loving head and you can’t go to sleep because you might have a concussion and people have to keep flicking your nipples and pouring hot coffee in your lap to keep you up because they care deeply about you.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:16
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I give you money in exchange for doing what I say, but you need that money to live so doing what I or people like me say becomes a survival imperative for you.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:20
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OH MY GOD OH MY GOD Or like if you were standing by the swimming pool and like everyone was there including that one person you totally HAVE A CRUSH ON and I just casually walk by and push you in the pool like WHATEVER SCHLONGUS and you'e wearing a leather belt and it's RUINED FUCKER NEVER BE THE SAME And that peson you HAVE A CRUSH ON totally thinks you're a Dorkasaurus REX and totally won't get down with you and even told thier friends that you're probably inadequatre in BED LOLOL@OLOLOL$OLOL!Ol
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Jul 7, 2021 07:21
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I ask if you want candy. You say yes. But all I have is Good & Plenty.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:26
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WAIT A MINUTE. What if it was like I offered you a stick of gum and you're all like "no thanks I son;t want any gum" likw an idiot and I'm all like "but it's your favorite gum that I got specially for you because you are my friend and we have a deep and abiding bond that I would never take for granted. In a fraternal sense I love you and I hipe that we can be friends until we are old and have incontinence issues" and you're all like "oh dude, I didn;t realize that you felt that way please give me a stick of gum" and then you reach out to take a piece... BUT THERE"S A MOTHERFUCKING SPRING AND LATCH AND WHEN YOU PULL ON THE GUM THT FUCKER SNAPS YOU IN TEH FINGER LIKE YOU'RE AN IDIOT OH MY GODS AND I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND TAKE PICTURES OF YOU WHILE YOU CRY TO SEND TO MY FRIENSA YOU CRYIN HOMES!!!! EVERYONE KNOWA!! I SENT IT TO EVERONW!!!!!! OH MOTHERFUKER YTOU LOOK SO SILLLLLY
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Jul 7, 2021 07:31
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You poo poo all over me and my life’s work like it’s a huge loving joke and then you get yourself in a bind and come to me and ask me what to do and i give you step by step instructions and you do something completely different from what I told you and completely gently caress up your life and then I sit there and laugh at you and your pathetic loving suffering while repeating the instructions to you which you interpret as a joke in your panicked state and poo poo your pants from nervously over-laughing and then we’re all laughing which we interpret as some sort of weird friendship.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:34
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Literally A Person posted:WAIT A MINUTE. Wow eerily similar to what I just posted lol. 
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Jul 7, 2021 07:35
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Literally A Person posted:Or, like, if I, like, told you that you had a mustard stain on your shirt and you, king of loving dweebus alley, look down because you are so ficking vain and all you care about is what other pwople think of you and I flick your nose making you look like an utter fool IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Mild assault was ok in the 80s, someone tries that poo poo on me now is getting a swift throat punch in return!
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Jul 7, 2021 07:36
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Hold up. What if, like, it was your birtday and all year I had been talking up your present. Like saying poo poo like "YOU ARE GOING TO loving poo poo THE CRAP OUT OF YOURSELF WHEN YOU SEE WHAT I GOT YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHAY" and I give you a tastefully wrapped and decorated present that you open LIKE A loving ANIMAL and there is a tin in wrapping and you're all like "OH BOY I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT MY GOOD FRIED GOT ME" and I'm all like "open it and see, Coolio" and when you open it loving springs decorated like snakes fly out at you and you are all scared and drop you cell phone and it breaks and I'm LIKE LOLOLOLOLOLOL YOU loving IDIOT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SO MORONOLLY DID SUCH A STUPID THING OH MY GOD WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT" and becuase your phone is broken you miss a call from a radio statiojn and you miss out on free tickets to see BLACKMORES KNIGHT IN CONCERT. OH MY GOSH YOU LOSER LOLOLOLOL LOOK AT YOU LOOK AT YOUR FACE.
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Jul 7, 2021 07:41
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Literally A Person posted:Hold up. Dude you know I love peanut brittle WHAT THE gently caress! 
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Jul 7, 2021 07:46
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Me (looking down at a dollar coin I planted previously): Oh, what's the on the ground? *You bend down to pick it up* *I do a long very rancid fart on your head* Me: 
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Jul 7, 2021 07:55
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Or like, and you'll have to follow me here, we're at a fancy french restaurant. You know, like, one of those places that a guy takes you when he really wants to bang you. We're just kicking back. Really catching up on each other's lives. It's been so long since we've got to spend any time together just the two of us. Life. Kids. Work. It was just the way things are. I'm loving pumped about our main course. IT"S A loving SOUFFLE and I RECOMMENDED IT BECUASE I KNOW YOU'RE A loving DUNCE ANF YOU DECIDED TO GET IT TOO OMG LOL. They bring out our meal ans put it in front of us. It smells AMAZING. I lean in close to my SOUFFLE and take a sniff. I Say " OH MY GOD THIS IS THE loving BEST THING I HAVE EVER SMELLED EVER YOU MUST SMELL THIS THING OF DELIGHT GET CLOSE AND SMELL IT REALL GOOD GET THAT SMEL RIGHT UP INTO YOU. RIGHT UP IN THERE " and as you lean forward to smell I cleverly and handsomely push your face into the souffle RUINING IT AND YOUR FACE WHICH IS NOW SCARRED FOREVER BECAUE YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING WATCH ME EAT MY SOUFFLE WHILE YOU SCREAM!!! LOLOLOMG IT"S SO DELICIOUS!!!> WHYA REN"T YOU EATING YOURS??????????? OH BECAUWE I DESTROYED IT WITH YOUR FACE AND NOW IT'S A PILE OF poo poo AND NOW EVERYONE IN THE RESTARAUNT IS loving LAUGHUNG SI HARD THEY'RE FALLING OVER AND SOMEONE MIGHT EVEN HAVE VOMITED I DON"T KNOW AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU ARE SO loving GULLIBLE YOU rear end YOU OOOMMMMMGGGGGG
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Jul 7, 2021 07:56
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I dont like you anymore, OP
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Jul 7, 2021 07:57
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:Dude you know I love peanut brittle WHAT THE gently caress! You're right. I DO KNOW YOU LOVE PEANUT BRITTLE IT WAS ALL PLANNED Shinjobi posted:I dont like you anymore, OP But why?
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Jul 7, 2021 07:58
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Literally A Person posted:You're right. I DO KNOW YOU LOVE PEANUT BRITTLE IT WAS ALL PLANNED That’s what I’m SAYING, peanut brittle is delicious, why would you replace it with springy snakes and think I would be cool with that? I could almost taste the sweet salty peanut brittle and now all I can taste is anger sweat dripping from my brow (which admittedly is pretty goddamn tasty but ITS NO PEANUT BRITTLE!) 
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Jul 7, 2021 08:50
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:That’s what I’m SAYING, peanut brittle is delicious, why would you replace it with springy snakes and think I would be cool with that? I could almost taste the sweet salty peanut brittle and now all I can taste is anger sweat dripping from my brow (which admittedly is pretty goddamn tasty but ITS NO PEANUT BRITTLE!) I think OP might've bought a fake can of peanut brittle with the springy snakes already inside. He just got it already made. I don't think there was ever any peanut brittle. He's dishonest and lazy.
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Jul 7, 2021 09:12
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we already have the jim/dwight thread thanks
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Jul 7, 2021 09:15
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I invite LAP to a fancy nightclub. After he uses the bathroom the attendant sprays him with cologne. Except the attendant is just me wearing a fake mustache and the cologne is actually fart spray. People on the dance floor start vomiting and crying. "Oh my god, that person smells like nasty farts". He runs outside and tries to flag down a cop car but the smell is so bad they crash into a telephone poll. Paramedics come to save the cops but they crash too. The national guard has to send in drones to build a structure called "LAP Containment Fart Dome". There's a big news report and the announcer from The Outer Limits says "a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, but what if the rose smelled like FARTS?"
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Jul 7, 2021 10:09
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im sitting nude on my girlfriends uncles couch whos the total idiot moron now you loving rear end in a top hat
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Jul 7, 2021 10:13
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These things are all very cruel, OP. Maybe you need to think about that? Think about how your hunger for the pain and suffering of others affects those around you. Think about where it will lead you, where it has led you, what you could have had if you weren't so broken. *ties OP's shoelaces together while he's crying*
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Jul 7, 2021 11:36
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OP has inspired me. I'm trying to figure out a way to make it sound like SOMEONE ELSE farted. They sit down and pbttttbbbt, haha! I'm not sure how I'd do that. Does anyone know if you can use ventriloquism to throw your voice but with your farts?
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Jul 7, 2021 11:52
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I hosed up a email at work (wrong person) and I was wearing a mask at the time, we all were, so replied and said Sorry, I'm wearing a mask!
Circumcised Elon fucked around with this message at 12:55 on Jul 7, 2021 |
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Jul 7, 2021 12:53
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Circumcised Elon posted:I hosed up a email at work (wrong person) and I was wearing a mask at the time, we all were, so replied and said Sorry, I'm wearing a mask! This actually works for any criminal defense as well. There's nothing they can do about it
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Jul 7, 2021 13:01
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Big Beef City posted:This actually works for any criminal defense as well. There's nothing they can do about it This is a relief, I was hesitant about snatching a cops gun tomorrow.
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Jul 7, 2021 13:05
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I notice you're not describing this thread op
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Jul 7, 2021 13:15
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This thread is pretty mean spirited
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Jul 7, 2021 14:10
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just imagine if I switched the signs on the mens restroom and the women's restroom and then punched you right in the neck classic
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Jul 7, 2021 14:58
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So a fat man, a really fat fatty big boy, steps on a skateboard and falls
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Jul 7, 2021 15:55
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Colonel Cancer posted:So a fat man, a really fat fatty big boy, steps on a skateboard and falls AH HAHAHA LOLOL DAM!!!!!
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Jul 7, 2021 15:59
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A clown just gets sick of it all and stomps all their balloon animals and crumples their ball nose up and throws it in the trash.
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Jul 7, 2021 16:07
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A bald man goes into a SuperCuts, looks around wistfully, occasionally touching the shampoo products, gazing at the prices on the board, looking longingly at the pile of hair on the floor, all while Wiz Khalifa's See You Again plays on the boombox he brought and set by the door. After a few minutes, he tears up, walks out of the store, and gets in his 1986 Toyota Tercel with an aftermarket spoiler and -30 degree wheel camber. Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home. [spoiler]lol![/lol]
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Jul 7, 2021 16:23
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Literally A Person posted:Or, get this, you're, like, wearing one of those loving rainbow propeller beanie hat things. alright, THAT'S IT
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Jul 7, 2021 16:30
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Grumblepuff posted:A bald man goes into a SuperCuts, looks around wistfully, occasionally touching the shampoo products, gazing at the prices on the board, looking longingly at the pile of hair on the floor, all while Wiz Khalifa's See You Again plays on the boombox he brought and set by the door. After a few minutes, he tears up, walks out of the store, and gets in his 1986 Toyota Tercel with an aftermarket spoiler and -30 degree wheel camber. idgi
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Jul 7, 2021 16:48
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BigBadSteve posted:idgi You see, doctor, I am that bald man!
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Jul 7, 2021 16:58
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