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You know those pieces of cartilage you get in frankfurters and other sausages sometimes? When I was little my dad would tell me they were rat teeth from the rats that fell into to machinery at the sausage factory. I was 28 when someone set me straight. I am now telling my kids they are rat teeth.
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Aug 7, 2021 07:57
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| # ? May 2, 2024 23:02 |
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Central heating causes asthma not second hand smoke.
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Aug 7, 2021 08:02
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That going out late at night meant you were a bad person lol
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Aug 7, 2021 08:09
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They told me I could be anything.
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Aug 7, 2021 08:09
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Bubbles in spirit levels care made by trained anchovies farting in specially designed tanks
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Aug 7, 2021 08:10
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Jestery posted:Bubbles in spirit levels care made by trained anchovies farting in specially designed tanks This one is fantastic and I am going to tell my kids this!
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Aug 7, 2021 09:13
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Mzuri posted:This one is fantastic and I am going to tell my kids this! Very strong memories of my father miming out with his hands, the fish dutifully swimming through a tube to a capture chamber then swimming out to it's friends
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Aug 7, 2021 09:32
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Hey it's okay my parents just rolled with my irrational 6-year old fear that they were actual spirits and that grownups aren't scared about the little spirit floating in it cus it's just a piece of spirit "energy," not the whole spirit.
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Aug 7, 2021 11:08
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My mom told me the Beatles song "8 Days a Week" was sung that way because there used to be 8 days in a week. She also used to say the strips of tar they use to patch over cracks on the road were snakes that got run over.
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Aug 7, 2021 11:52
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Wasabi the J posted:Hey it's okay my parents just rolled with my irrational 6-year old fear that they were actual spirits and that grownups aren't scared about the little spirit floating in it cus it's just a piece of spirit "energy," not the whole spirit. 
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Aug 7, 2021 12:28
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exquisite tea posted:
lmao
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Aug 7, 2021 12:56
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I was told there was a purple powder (?) that was added to 2 Minute/Instant Noodles that made them taste good but it would give you cancer. And as a kid I remember asking about it again and again for years, because how loving bizarre is purple cancer powder sprinkled into food you buy by someone?, until at some point my mother said it was called MSG.
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Aug 7, 2021 14:28
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Ice cream vans only play the music when they run out of ice cream.
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Aug 7, 2021 14:30
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Sweevo posted:Ice cream vans only play the music when they run out of ice cream. Top level parenting right here. e: I can add one I'm pulling on my kids right now: I was sent to dad school for two weeks when the oldest was born because the midwife at the maternity ward thought I looked unqualified. Dad school is where I learned all my dad skills, like bad jokes, grilling sausages (with rat teeth) and how to say "no" so much. But it's a secret school, so any dad you ask about it will say that they don't know what it is, otherwise they will have to go there again to learn how to keep a secret. My oldest strongly suspects that I'm blowing smoke but she's not 100% sure. The youngest is all-in. Mzuri has a new favorite as of 14:50 on Aug 7, 2021 |
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Aug 7, 2021 14:43
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I do this poo poo to my kids all the time. I think they’d double check if I told them the sky was blue at this point. We have birch trees in the front of our house. In the spring they get these little dangly worm looking seed pods https://www.uwgb.edu/biodiversity/herbarium/trees/betpap_aments01gf500.jpg (Side note I hate birch trees they are dirty rear end trees because these things are everywhere once they drop and they drop leaves all year long I hate them) Anyway I told my kids they were called tree worms, and that the worms crawl up the tree and out to the branches, then they hang on with their teeth while they eat the leaves. My son and I were watching the news a couple of months ago when they had the little story teaser about some malaria resistant strain of mosquitos that scientists are releasing. I told him they were malaria resistant but now transmitted aids. He asked why would do that. I answered that they were mad scientists, and that a couple of months ago this British spy got killed trying to stop them, and that he should really start watching the news more often. My favorite (that I’ve told a couple of times before) is when we took the kids to Disney. My daughter loves dogs is really the only backstory you need. We were in the airport and saw a bomb or drug dog. I told her that she couldn’t pet the dogs because they were working dogs, same as seeing eye dogs. Later we were at Disney and I saw kids on leashes. I started telling my wife how cool it was that disney did that program that allowed the kids to enter the park early since their parents were blind. She agreed with me, and the kids asked what we were talking about. I then explained that the kids were seeing-eye babies, and that they guided their parents around all day. Disney allows them to ride the rides before the park opens since they can’t have as much fun since they have to make sure their parents don’t get hurt.
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Aug 7, 2021 14:57
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Wasabi the J posted:They told me I could be anything. That's hosed up
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Aug 7, 2021 15:34
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AFewBricksShy posted:Later we were at Disney and I saw kids on leashes. I started telling my wife how cool it was that disney did that program that allowed the kids to enter the park early since their parents were blind. She agreed with me, and the kids asked what we were talking about. I then explained that the kids were seeing-eye babies, and that they guided their parents around all day. Disney allows them to ride the rides before the park opens since they can’t have as much fun since they have to make sure their parents don’t get hurt. ^^This one is good enough to get you into the pro league. Not me, but my brother. For a few golden years, my brother had his kids convinced that every so often they were being tailed by international spies on the freeway. He'd tell them not to look, and being kids they inevitably did. So he'd say "shoot, now you've done it!" and take one exit early or one exit late and then drive randomly around side streets on the way back to their house to "shake the tail". Whenever they'd tell him to floor it, he'd always say "no that's a rookie mistake. You have to stay at the speed limit or it'll draw attention." My youngest niece, who just graduated high school, says International Spy is her favorite memory of growing up
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Aug 7, 2021 15:44
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I told my son we got him at Babies 'R' Us, the same way he would get toys from Toys 'R' Us. He would occasionally ask to go to Babies 'R' Us to see these babies they purportedly sold, but I said he would fall in love with them on sight and demand to bring one home, and that just wasn't possible. Now I occasionally remind my (now teenaged) son that it's a good thing for him that the store closed, since we have no way to return his rear end. My husband and son (who was 6 at the time) and I were on a cruise to Bermuda. The ship took three days to reach Bermuda, spent three days/two nights docked there, then got home in only one day. We told our son that it took so long on the outward leg because there was someone on the dock in Bermuda pulling the ship in, but then they would fuel up over our stay and be able to zip home. He was skeptical until we walked past a huge pile of massive rope on the dock near the ship's bow and saw where the ship was moored with that same rope. His eyes got huge. I'm carrying on a great tradition started by my father, who assured me I would always know which direction I was headed while driving by checking where the telephone poles were: if they're on the right, I'm headed north.  I also remember being able to talk to my mom through the HVAC vents in our house, and suggesting, while we were both using two separate bathrooms, flushing our toilets at the same time. She said we shouldn't, because the pipes? toilets? house? would literally explode.
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Aug 7, 2021 16:02
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Keeping the light on in the car is either illegal or makes my mom blind and will cause us to have a head on collision. The given excuse depended on traffic.
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Aug 7, 2021 16:17
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Benny Harvey posted:Central heating causes asthma not second hand smoke. “Smoke follows beauty” is what my grandmother told me when I was inhaling smoke her nicotine hotbox Mercury.
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Aug 7, 2021 16:18
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You are very handsome.
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Aug 7, 2021 16:25
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boop the snoot posted:“Smoke follows beauty” is what my grandmother told me when I was inhaling smoke her nicotine hotbox Mercury. My mom said the same thing when the smoke from her cigs would follow one of us, although thankfully she always put a window down.
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Aug 7, 2021 17:24
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That they loved me
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Aug 7, 2021 17:49
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The mee-mee-moo-moo was a monster that would sneak up through the toilet and pull me through it and eat me if I took too long going twosies. I was 5. Thanks for that one, dad. Higgy has a new favorite as of 18:34 on Aug 7, 2021 |
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Aug 7, 2021 17:55
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I was on a business trip to San Antonio and for a laugh I bought a souvenir for my then-girlfriend/now-wife: a fridge magnet that was a wooden cutout in the shape of Texas with a little handgun attached and the words "we don't call 911" painted on it. Fast-forward a year or two, we're moved in together, and my young daughter sees it and asks, "What does that mean?" Not wanting to have to explain bloodthirsty castle doctrine to my innocent princess, I told her that they have a different number in Texas
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Aug 7, 2021 18:17
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That the neighbor's cat, which was a longhaired cat that got a haircut in the summer, was a special breed called a "Missouri Plumetail".
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Aug 7, 2021 18:24
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You know that crunchy part of the date? Yea that's the remains of a wasp that crawled inside and died. That's what turns a fig into a date. My dad told me that and he got that from his dad after coming back from the Suez Crisis.
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Aug 7, 2021 18:47
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twistedmentat posted:You know that crunchy part of the date? Yea that's the remains of a wasp that crawled inside and died. That's what turns a fig into a date. That’s figs.
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Aug 7, 2021 18:53
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It is illegal to turn on the interior light while the car is in motion.
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Aug 7, 2021 19:07
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Mine just told me it was annoying and messed their vision which could Make them DRIVR THIS GODAMM CAR INTO A CRASH TURNTHAT poo poo OFF. Once I started driving I agree.
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Aug 7, 2021 19:09
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Hirayuki posted:
IANAS so I assume it's currents?
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Aug 7, 2021 19:11
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Crab Dad posted:That’s figs. He said figs became dates. Even as a kid I knew that didn't seem right. Treguna Mekoides posted:It is illegal to turn on the interior light while the car is in motion. Yea got that one too.
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Aug 7, 2021 19:36
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Milo and POTUS posted:IANAS so I assume it's currents?
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Aug 7, 2021 19:48
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That our neighbors were aliens hiding from the government. They said they were mostly safe but to never go in their house or take anything from them because they might eat us. Obviously it was just an over the top way to prevent us from trusting strangers but it scared the crap out of us at the time, and I wonder looking back what the neighbors must have thought when the kids next door would always run and hide whenever they saw them.
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Aug 7, 2021 20:21
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Hirayuki posted:Honestly I think they just take their time so you can enjoy being on the ship. Some sea days are always built into a cruise. It's less fun zipping to your destination and zipping back. (And you can tell they're flooring the gas--or equivalent--on the way back.) And that's a whole day of passengers in the bars, restaurants, shops, casino 
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Aug 7, 2021 23:09
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That if you masturbate you’ll go blind. I masturbated a lot, and uh, I’m legally blind in my right eye. Looks like mom and dad were at least half right. Never grew hair on my palms either.
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Aug 8, 2021 01:51
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My aunt helped me the first time I did my taxes and when it asked to donate to the presidents party fund or whatever(this was during Bush) she said I should because "democrats just want to give all your money to poor people." I was on my own living paycheck to paycheck working at a gas station for the minimum wage. Never got any advice from my dad, he was a turd who didn't know what he was doing either.
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Aug 8, 2021 02:07
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LtCol J. Krusinski posted:That if you masturbate you’ll go blind. Gotta switch up hands on the regular, that's why I'm just really myopic in both eyes.
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Aug 8, 2021 03:48
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If I kept chewing on my fingernails, my fingertips would grow over the tops and my nails would grow into my skin. Didn't stop me from chewing on them, but did give me a permanent neurosis of pushing on my fingertips to keep them from growing.
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Aug 8, 2021 04:45
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LtCol J. Krusinski posted:That if you masturbate you’ll go blind. That's one going back to at least the Middle Ages. Back then, they believed the body was governed by four fluids (humoralism) - yellow bile or chole, black bile or melanchole, blood and brain fluid or phlegm. Every humor is either hot or cold, wet or dry, and contributed to your bodily or mental state. Fever? Too much of the warm wet stuff, so bloodletting is needed. Melancholic? Too much black bile. Phlegm is the cold, wet fluid they believed to run all the way from brain through spine. One needs it for their senses and to think. Letting valuable phlegm out by masturbating leads to reduced sensory capabilty - hence the going blind.
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Aug 8, 2021 08:29
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