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That the song "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash was about the after-effects of a particularly spicy meal.
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Aug 16, 2021 01:38
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| # ? May 2, 2024 22:51 |
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Oh where to start. My parents told me if a tick attached to me, if I pulled the body off, the head would survive, and keep drinking, and end up in my body. I envisioned a bodiless head, just sucking away and the blood flying out the neck stump. Clearly it would block my artery or veins, and I would die. My grandma (bless her soul to the 9th circle of Hell) told a preteen Cowslips, who knew the basics of sex ed, that sex with my future husband would be exactly, right down to the blood and the screams, like how sex was for our dog Shasta, who was coming out of heat by the time my parents took her to the stud. He cornered her and none of the adults got there in time, so she was screaming for a good while as they were tied up. She didn't end up pregnant, but I was absolutely terrified of anything to due with sex for...about 20 years or so after that. I mostly remember hating my dad more, because so many mornings he would be an utter rear end in a top hat to my mom, and one day he snapped it was because she wasn't being a good wife and taking care of his needs. I put two and two together and couldn't sleep for a while, too freaked out that I'd hear my mom being hurt if she was ever a "good wife." In funnier bullshit, years ago I nannied for a family whose two daughters were debating about the existence of Santa. They fully believed that my rabbit Momo was the Easter Bunny; I had convinced them that the bunny was magic, of course, so he could change his size and color, and he lived with me as opposed to the wild because I had all kinds of good food for him. But Santa, they weren't sure about. So I gave them a test: I told them to write a short list to Santa of a few toys they wanted for Xmas, things not on their usual wish list, and I would take the glued envelopes to Momo, who would take them to Santa, and if they got anything from the secret list, clearly Santa got the letters, so he was real. They figured that made sense, so I reread the lists with them, explaining that Santa's eyes were bad, hence the glasses, so if they wanted him and not the elves to read it, they had to write super clear. After the kids went to bed, I simply texted the parents the lists. Come Xmas morning when they had a few things from those secret lists, the freakout, I was told later, was intense, and they believed in Santa for another few years with such hard evidence thanks to Momo.
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Aug 16, 2021 01:44
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Not parents, but one time I was read a Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark book. There was this one story where a spider crawls on a girl, stops, and crawls away. She has a red boil like thing on her cheek that gets bigger and bigger until one day it bursts and a bunch of baby spiders crawl out of her. It sent little me's fear of spiders up to eleven. (I still lowkey believe it could happen to me as a adult ngl) Goon is still spooked by a children's story.
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Aug 16, 2021 04:08
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"You're not actually sick unless you're throwing up" became extra hilarious in a post-covid world
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Aug 16, 2021 05:01
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I think a dead tick head can stick in there and cause an infection at least, or is that also bullshit?
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Aug 16, 2021 12:11
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Edgar Allen Ho posted:I think a dead tick head can stick in there and cause an infection at least, or is that also bullshit? I think that's true, although I see a bit of disagreement. I don't think it's anything specifically tick-related (which is what I used to think), more just anything getting inside your skin having some potential to introduce bacteria or whatnot.
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Aug 16, 2021 13:54
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Picnic Princess posted:"You're not actually sick unless you're throwing up" became extra hilarious in a post-covid world My mom never actually said that, but it was definitely her view. And if we did throw up, she'd get mad at us for being sick.
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Aug 16, 2021 20:12
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my dad told a 10 year old me to read "Alive" by piers paul read because "it was about penguins." It wasn't until i started working in a bookstore after high school that i found out the truth. he denies telling me this to this day. i have not read the book either. was also told (repeatedly) not to roll my eyes or theyd get stuck up there.
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Aug 16, 2021 22:43
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We used to get this God awful cold medicine as kids. It was yellow and the flavor was horrific. "It's not triaminc see it's green" A little blue food coloring made that work once.
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Aug 16, 2021 23:08
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honda whisperer posted:We used to get this God awful cold medicine as kids. It was yellow and the flavor was horrific. Buckley’s?
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Aug 17, 2021 15:17
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I used to think that if us siblings were really good, we got to sleep over at our grandparents house. It dawned on me well into my 30s that my parents were probably just happy to offload us little shits and have the house to themselves for the whole night and morning.
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Aug 18, 2021 21:31
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evobatman posted:I used to think that if us siblings were really good, we got to sleep over at our grandparents house. Yeah, mommy was taking a whole bunch of daddies cummies those nights.
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Aug 19, 2021 00:59
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AmbassadorofSodomy posted:Yeah, mommy was taking a whole bunch of daddies cummies those nights. Why would you do this
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Aug 19, 2021 05:12
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When we moved in to our new house, my dad was able to convince my five-year-old self that the toilet was talking to him, through the cunning subterfuge of standing outside the house and talking through the vent. Also, apparently my mum used to tell us that the van with the cool jingly bells which drove past was the Funny Money Man who would take all of our money if we spoke to him.
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Aug 19, 2021 08:10
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Dross posted:Why would you do this Because for at least one gross night your originators did.
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Aug 20, 2021 10:43
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Wasabi the J posted:Because for at least one gross night your originators did. You will not slander my mother like this
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Aug 20, 2021 10:50
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The simple one I remember being told for a lot of my childhood was that stomping my feet would make me shorter. Sometimes I’m still not 100% sure that it entirely false The worst one was simply a lie by omission. I was probably like 6 or 8. The local sportsman’s club would do fried chicken once a month. While we were there, I noticed a taxidermy rabbit front, but the rabbit had horns. I’d never seen anything like this in books or whatever, so I finally ask my dad, and he simply tells me “oh, that’s a jackalope” and I’m like, “huh, neat” I then never followed up on this for like 10 years. Then, in high school, my girlfriend and I were talking about something and somehow jackalopes came up, and I of course insisted they were real. To her a s her dad. I think it was one of those arguments where I had to do an internet search to believe them. I was very cross with my dad, like, hey pa, maybe you forgot to mention something about the whole jackalope thing????
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Aug 20, 2021 14:18
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Lol your girlfriends dad must of thought the world of you.
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Aug 20, 2021 14:30
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I just remembered, my dad used to trick me that I could "blow out" the tv, like a candle. This was of course accomplished by him turning it off using the remote behind my back, usually after telling me I had to blow harder several times. I don't know how long I actually believed in it, but we kept doing it a fair while even after I caught on. 
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Aug 20, 2021 15:22
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My dad is skinny with a reddish beard, so he always told me that his framed Van Gogh print was a portrait of him after he got his ear busted in a fight.
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Aug 20, 2021 21:37
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My mom told me silkworms were made of silk the way cows were made of leather. She said silk manufacturing begins when a "hunter" goes into the forest and finds a nest of baby silkworms, whose mother has gone to forage for food. He "rips the backs off the little baby silkworms," which will presumably later be stitched together, by the thousand, into silk cloth. The mother silkworm will come back her nest just in time to see her babies expire of their wounds, and will go "Eee! Eee! Eee!" in distress. The sound effects were central to the narrative. When I asked my mom why she told me such a horrible story, she said she thought it was true!
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Aug 21, 2021 03:33
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hate hoot posted:My mom told me silkworms were made of silk the way cows were made of leather. She said silk manufacturing begins when a "hunter" goes into the forest and finds a nest of baby silkworms, whose mother has gone to forage for food. He "rips the backs off the little baby silkworms," which will presumably later be stitched together, by the thousand, into silk cloth. The mother silkworm will come back her nest just in time to see her babies expire of their wounds, and will go "Eee! Eee! Eee!" in distress. The sound effects were central to the narrative. The reality isn't particularly nice either. Silk is made by waiting for the silkworms to make their cocoons, then you collect em up and boil then alive. This dissolves the glue holding the silk threads together, so you can spool it up. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sericulture
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Aug 21, 2021 06:36
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That my favorite stuffed raccoon came to life and needed to be released into the wild. When in fact they thought I was too old for it and had thrown it away.
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Aug 21, 2021 16:56
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Zil posted:That my favorite stuffed raccoon came to life and needed to be released into the wild. When in fact they thought I was too old for it and had thrown it away. 
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Aug 21, 2021 17:54
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When i was pretty little, young enough that i barely remember, the family dog started getting really territorial and bit one of my aunts and also the paperboy. Soon after i was told that my uncle's friend had a big farm, with lots of animals and other dogs to play with, etc etc and i never saw the dog again. Several years later (high school? middle school?) i had a realization of what must have actually happened. Twenty years after that i was home visiting and went with my dad to pick up some tools he bought from somebody. As we were driving back he asked if i remembered Steve and i was like "huh, no why would i?" and he started talking about how he had taken in Bo (the dog) when he was acting all aggressive and they didn't know how to train him any better and had no idea what else to do. I must have had a look on my face because he suddenly stopped and said "oh poo poo, you thought we put him down this whole time". Anyway, as it turns out Bo was a fantastic farm dog, and some of the dogs we had seen that day were probably even descended from him.
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Aug 21, 2021 17:58
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a kitten posted:
Need a combo of and  for how I feel about this.edit:  vvvv - Thanks! Unperson_47 has a new favorite as of 19:46 on Aug 21, 2021 |
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Aug 21, 2021 19:24
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Unperson_47 posted:Need a combo of
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Aug 21, 2021 19:39
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Oh my god, that’s both hilarious and heartwarming. It’s great to know that there actually is a farm upstate somewhere! My dad didn’t even tell me when our childhood dog died. I just went back out east to visit, and she wasn’t there. Her name was Brie, and she was very smart and very good, and also beautiful. One of those tricolor border collies with natural eyeliner.
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Aug 21, 2021 23:42
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Zil posted:That my favorite stuffed raccoon came to life and needed to be released into the wild. When in fact they thought I was too old for it and had thrown it away. What the gently caress
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Aug 22, 2021 01:00
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My grandparents lied to my mom about "steak" whenever they served it for dinner. As a result, she developed a strong distaste for "steak" and it wasn't until she was on a date in her very early 20's that somebody convinced her to give steak another shot; she realized that she'd never been eating steak--she'd been eating liver. My grandparents ultimately fessed up to it and revealed that yes, growing up, all of the kids were served "steak" (liver) while grandpa was served...steak. Also my parents thought it would be smart to convince me that, if you get a splinter and don't remove it immediately, it will likely require amputation. Apparently this was an attempt to get me to cooperate with removing splinters. Of course, they didn't anticipate that it would also cause me to freak the gently caress out whenever I got a splinter at school/away from adults and tweezers. I think the school had to call my parents after I got a splinter one day and started acting like a worm had just burrowed into my hand. Get it out get it out!
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Aug 22, 2021 16:02
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Cream-of-Plenty posted:My grandparents lied to my mom about "steak" whenever they served it for dinner. As a result, she developed a strong distaste for "steak" and it wasn't until she was on a date in her very early 20's that somebody convinced her to give steak another shot; she realized that she'd never been eating steak--she'd been eating liver. My grandparents ultimately fessed up to it and revealed that yes, growing up, all of the kids were served "steak" (liver) while grandpa was served...steak. Old people are/were weird as gently caress about food. My paternal grandmother had dinner on the table the minute my grandfather got home from work, whether or not it was cooked all the way through or not. So dinner could be terrifying. The adults are first, no matter what, and also got the better bits of food. My dad tried to do the same thing with us, but his work schedule meant he wasn't home for dinner most of the time. When we eat at my parents house though, he will be through with his first serving and going for seconds before everyone else has even been served. We've tried very hard to do the complete opposite of that with our kids. My great aunt's would scoop up extra dinner rolls and whatnot from buffets and take them home. My mom says it's probably because they grew up during the great depression and probably didn't have consistent access to food for a few years.
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Aug 22, 2021 17:27
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When I was really young, like 4 or so, I remember I lost a tiny plastic fish toy down the drain after a bath and I was inconsolable about it. So my parents told me about the Water Treatment plant and how it caught everything that went down the drain and let me dictate a letter to them asking if they'd seen my fish. A few days later they got a letter back with a plastic fish! Even at 4 I knew it was kinda bullshit because the fish was completely different and the wrong color by my parents managed to placate me by saying it was because of the water treatment chemicals.
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Aug 22, 2021 19:14
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bengy81 posted:Old people are/were weird as gently caress about food. My grandad probably ate the same seven meals on rotation for 80% of his adult life. He was a very odd man who knew what he liked, and liked what he knew. So if it was Monday then he knew he'd be having egg and chips, Tuesday was chops, Wednesday was chicken pie, etc.
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Aug 22, 2021 19:19
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Sweevo posted:My grandad probably ate the same seven meals on rotation for 80% of his adult life. He was a very odd man who knew what he liked, and liked what he knew. So if it was Monday then he knew he'd be having egg and chips, Tuesday was chops, Wednesday was chicken pie, etc. My grandfather was like this as well. The kids and grandkids would have something she wanted to make, but grandpa was having his shepherds pie on Sunday or he would pout and be pissy.
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Aug 22, 2021 19:23
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My mother told me once that if you were convicted of a crime in court you could decide yourself how long you’d go to jail for. That’s a terrible moral lesson, unless for some reason she herself thought it was true I’m not sure why she told me.
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Aug 24, 2021 22:05
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At about 4 or 5, I picked up a swearword from somewhere. I don't remember which one, but probably a mild one like "shite" or "poo poo" and most likely from my Grandad. My parents convinced me to say "Rhubarb" instead, however, I knew what poo poo was, so I reasoned that rhubarb was another synonym for excrement. Guess how that turned out when I was served rhubarb crumble and started gagging at the table!
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Aug 25, 2021 01:15
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Disco Pope posted:At about 4 or 5, I picked up a swearword from somewhere. I don't remember which one, but probably a mild one like "shite" or "poo poo" and most likely from my Grandad. My parents convinced me to say "Rhubarb" instead, however, I knew what poo poo was, so I reasoned that rhubarb was another synonym for excrement. Guess how that turned out when I was served rhubarb crumble and started gagging at the table! To be fair, that's about where I rank rhubarb as a food anyway
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Aug 25, 2021 01:17
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You take that back! I will destroy me some rhubarb pie.
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Aug 25, 2021 01:59
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Aug 25, 2021 07:55
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| # ? May 2, 2024 22:51 |
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My mom convinced me that words like "stupid" and "shut up" were swear words. It took me until like 10 to start using them, and like 15 before I got the courage to say "gently caress" or "poo poo" It's extra weird bc we're french and I could cheerfully drop merdes and putains to her to no complaint.
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Aug 25, 2021 13:07
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