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I'm confused about Santa. All my life I've been told there is only one Santa. But Santa has been on every TV show all week and at every single mall. He's also at, like, every single parade at the same time. I just don't get it. They all look kind of alike, but you can tell they're different Santas. Are the Santas clones, or are there people that aren't Santas profiting by pretending to be a Santa? Is there some sort of Santa Academy where you can get a degree in being a Santa? Other Santa questions: If I block my chimney and lock my doors, can a Santa get in? If I lacked a chimney and locked my doors, would a Santa kick in a window? Will a Santa be upset if I leave him brownies instead of cookies? How does Santa eat all of those cookies left for him? One Santa couldn't eat the cookies from every house, he'd explode! Does he just like, toss em out onto the highway or into the river, or is there more than one Santa to eat the cookies? Say you're still in the living room when a Santa comes down your chimney, and he sees you, does he climb back up the chimney or make a break for the front door? I don't know if I can trust this guy.
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Dec 22, 2021 17:50
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| # ? May 8, 2024 23:04 |
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Chief McHeath posted:I'm confused about Santa. All my life I've been told there is only one Santa. -Yes, most of the Santas you see in parades and malls and stuff are impersonators profiting off his image (Santa can't really appear in court to protect any trademark on his image, kind of like a superhero). There are in fact Santa Academies where one learns to be a Santa impersonator -While chimneys were a common method of entry back in the day, rest assured Santa can access your house through basically any non-air tight gap, as he travels with the North Wind and anywhere it can go, he can go. -Santa is fine with non-cookie offerings. Some places leave out mince pies and a glass of sherry! It's the thought that counts, as Santa appreciates gratitude in all its forms. -Santa can eat all those cookies because travelling around the world in 24 hours burns an astronomical amount of calories, kinda like a hummingbird, and without a constant intake of sugars he would wither and die within minutes of starting his yearly trek. -Santa won't even bother coming down the chimney if you're there watching. He knows if you're sleeping and when you're awake, after all.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:11
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It's a syndicate, OP
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Dec 22, 2021 18:14
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Santa can cover the entire Earth in one night, right? Think about how fast he'd need to move to do that. Santa is the fastest thing in the universe, much faster than the speed of light. He can move so fast that he can, to our untrained eyes, appear to be in multiple places at once.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:15
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And what about Santa Baby? Is he like the Boss Ba y?
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Dec 22, 2021 18:16
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The Bananana posted:And what about Santa Baby? Is he like the Boss Ba y? Wow Santa Baby opens up a whole new realm. How many degrees from Santa can a Santa baby be born, especially with all these fake Santas about. gently caress.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:23
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A Fancy Hat posted:Santa can cover the entire Earth in one night, right? Think about how fast he'd need to move to do that. I don't think he's necessarily moving fast. He operates in the quantum realm and is thus everywhere at the same time. He completes the night activities very quickly.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:23
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A Fancy Hat posted:Santa can cover the entire Earth in one night, right? Think about how fast he'd need to move to do that. But he is always standing around giving a promotional gift or sitting in a chair at the farmer's market, does Santa and his army of Santas have the ability to bend time or what
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Dec 22, 2021 18:25
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What They don't want you to know is that Santa has come down a lot of chimneys over the years and has very dominant genetics.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:26
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There is only one Santa, don't be fooled. The answer is of course the simplest, if we apply Occam's razor it's plain to see Santa is a normal man but the only one in the world trusted with time travel. All instances of Santa in history are the same man at various points along his own chronology. One Santa enters a time machine to a specific Santa job in a specific place and time, then he travels back and does it again. This explains not only how he can be in so many places at once in one night/season but also why your Santa experience can vary wildly even within a square mile area. The skinny burned out crack addict Santa is one who has reached the latter stages of his own timeline, exhausted by endless Christmas he is a broken shell of a man only suited for the most basic of Santa's duties. Younger, fresher Santas take on more high profile but demanding jobs. However, make no mistake they are the same man.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:31
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Santa is a screen memory the reptilians use to spermjack you OP
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Dec 22, 2021 18:34
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It's magic, OP. He uses magic. He has an ancient pact with the elves. They might look whimsical and magical in most of those movies and malls (or maybe overworked and unfortunate, depending on the Santa story in question), but they're elves. They are creatures of bargains and an even exchange, beings that offer great boons and demand a dear price. They don't "make the toys". Look at what he's bringing these days, it's almost all mass-produced, factory-made stuff. They just give him the power to do what must be done. I don't know just what bargain he made, but there's a reason you never see him around the rest of the year. Pretty sure the cookies are also part of it, though. He brings most of them back to the elves (it's the old "bread, milk, and honey" tribute, changed very slightly with the times).
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Dec 22, 2021 18:40
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Santa Clauses are wraiths doomed to walk the earth and work in malls every december until the end of time. At least that is what I am telling my son. "if you're really bad, god makes you into a santa clause when you die"
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Dec 22, 2021 18:45
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Okay, real answer: Santa is a 5-dimensional being projecting itself onto 4D spacetime. -Getting into houses is easy. He can step "over" the walls the same way you step over a line drawn on the ground. -Traversing the whole world in one night becomes more doable when time behaves more like a book you're reading and can flip back and forth to the necessary page -Seemingly being in multiple places at once can be explained by these merely being extensions of a single higher-dimensional "true" Santa, with all the guys in department stores being mere pseudopods, like seeing only individual fingers and not the larger hand they're connected to. -This also explains how he eats all the cookies, his full body is enormous and we only see human-sized bits of it that extend into observable reality. -How he knows if you're bad or good, he can look "down" on everyone like it's a 2D top-down videogame, the entire timeline of every action of your life clearly visible. You're basically a Dwarf Fortress character to him. If you think all this makes Santa seem kinda alien and inscrutable and frankly scary in the same way a Lovecraft Great Old One is scary, then you've got a pretty good grasp of the situation. Also note all of the above applies to God as well If you want a more in-depth example of how all this works, go read Flatland
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Dec 22, 2021 18:48
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santa uses time dilation to give himself months to deliver all the gifts while mere moments pass for us
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Dec 22, 2021 18:48
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A wizard did it.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:49
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Chief McHeath posted:Wow Santa Baby opens up a whole new realm. How many degrees from Santa can a Santa baby be born, especially with all these fake Santas about. gently caress. Santa Baby isn't about a Baby Santa, though. It's a woman who wants to "make love" to Santa in exchange for wonderful gifts. Santa does indeed have a child, a half-Santa half-human superbeing who some say is fated to one day kill Santa and bring about the Final Christmas.
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Dec 22, 2021 18:52
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I broke down crying reading the op and I want the mods to ban the op and gas this thread immediately
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Dec 22, 2021 18:56
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Santa isn’t real OP
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Dec 22, 2021 19:57
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Judaism follows matrilineal descent, so how do the Santas know which families with a Jewish mother and non-Jewish father also celebrate Christmas with their children? Do they like, have to send Santa a letter via certified mail to tell him their preferences, or what? I also wonder what the Santas think when they see paintings and ornaments of another Santa in a home, do they get jealous? Or do they get spooked when they look on the tree and one of the Santa ornaments is that exact Santa?
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Dec 23, 2021 03:20
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And what about the float at the big parade in New York that is full of Santas, like 60-80 of them? Are they all real Santas? Are some of them imposters? What kind of vetting process goes on? Is one of them the Santa or are they just Santas. It just doesn't all add up.
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Dec 23, 2021 03:47
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Chief McHeath posted:Judaism follows matrilineal descent, so how do the Santas know which families with a Jewish mother and non-Jewish father also celebrate Christmas with their children? Do they like, have to send Santa a letter via certified mail to tell him their preferences, or what? Santa knows exactly who every Jew is and where they are at all times. It’s pretty concerning but there’s not much anyone can do about it
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Dec 23, 2021 04:09
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I'm pretty sure that after entering so many homes this year, and his inability to wear an N-95 mask or respirator properly because of the beard, the main Santa or at least a lot of the other Santas will get Covid and not be here next year. We might already have a shortage of Santas after last year! That is just terrible.
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Dec 23, 2021 04:14
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I wonder if the original Santa ever shared a class with Genesplicer in high school.
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Dec 23, 2021 04:15
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Chief McHeath posted:I'm confused about Santa. All my life I've been told there is only one Santa. Typical liberal mental illness.
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Dec 23, 2021 04:16
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The war on Christmas goes poorly Santa just sweeping aside our troops on the battlefield like Sauron. Endless hordes of elves spawned deep from within the north pole workshop claw at our eyes and stab our kidneys Its so cold...so very cold
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Dec 23, 2021 05:05
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Xmas crossed the Thanksgiving line and so we had to retaliate. Wisconsin is *the* battleground state for the ideologies of our time.
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Dec 23, 2021 05:07
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What is Mrs Claus' first name? I think it is disrespectful to only refer to her in terms of her relationship to her husband. I'm sure she was a vibrant and interesting woman before she met, fell in love, and then married the fat man. She still is. I'm not saying we should get overly familiar with her. She is a married woman after all, and older than all of us put together. But she is her own person, and not just the wife of some fat gently caress in a red suit.
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Dec 23, 2021 05:14
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Unlike Santa, Mrs Claus was never granted the blanket of immortality by the king of the forest. As such, there have been many Mrs Clauses. So many that they have become interchangeable and is merely a title. Except for the one time she delivered all the presents when Santa was sick during the Year Without a Santa Claus.
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Dec 23, 2021 05:19
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Santa is up to some weird poo poo with multiple Santas and his harem of Miss Santas.
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Dec 23, 2021 06:26
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im santa also im ultraman hope this clears it up
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Dec 23, 2021 06:29
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In the song "santa baby" do you think the lady was waiting to give santa an hj, bj, pj, aj or annilingus?
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Dec 23, 2021 06:47
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hardly knew us
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Dec 23, 2021 06:49
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Santa horny
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Dec 23, 2021 06:54
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Santa is actually just Satan for dyslexics OP. Praise Jesus.
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Dec 23, 2021 07:59
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The Scientist posted:In the song "santa baby" do you think the lady was waiting to give santa an hj, bj, pj, aj or annilingus? Yes
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Dec 23, 2021 08:57
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The Scientist posted:In the song "santa baby" do you think the lady was waiting to give santa an hj, bj, pj, aj or annilingus? "Hurry down my chimney tonight" strongly suggest pia intercourse. Given the standards of the time, it can also work for piv.
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Dec 23, 2021 09:05
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I have had the same philosophical musings in regards to the mall Shreks and how each mall can have one, sometimes multiple, Shreks roaming its premises, offering occasional tidbits of information to shoppers in regards to sales and offers but more often simply spreading glee and amusement in silent golem-like fashion by sheer proximity alone. Shreks are layered, as told in the first Shrek movie, and expounded on in following installments, and these layers are meta-physically reflected in the mall multi-Shreks - it is layers and Shreks all the way down - and in essence the same ideation can be transplanted to Santa Claus. One Santa but multiple Santas at the same time. Santa is Love, Santa is Life.
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Dec 23, 2021 09:15
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I figure its like that joke theory that there's only one electron in the universe and it just yolo's its way between atoms at infinite speed or quantum superposition or something also I think the plural of shrek is shrek
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Dec 23, 2021 09:20
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| # ? May 8, 2024 23:04 |
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if you tell mom about that girl dad hangs out with on saturdays when you’re “going to the aquarium for the day” santa wont bring you a playstation
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Dec 23, 2021 09:42
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