Comic Strips 2022: Girls Are People!

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Why do you read this thread anyway? This poll is closed.
I enjoy reading contemporary newspaper comics.	64	26.02%
I hate reading contemporary newspaper comics.	42	17.07%
I enjoy reading historical newspaper comics.	88	35.77%
I enjoy reading newspaper comics from foreign countries.	52	21.14%
Total:	246 votes

[Edit Poll (moderators only)]

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Mikl posted:

Classic Kevin & Kell in: cars (April 4-10, 2005)

Ah yes, pufferfish as snacks. By all means, go ahead.

# ¿ Jan 3, 2022 16:38

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 22:01

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

EBB posted:

Push him overboard. Nobody will ever know.

Endless Mike posted:

Or care, for that matter

Seriously the railing is right there practically taunting us.

# ¿ Jan 4, 2022 21:26

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Also they often swim like thrashing idiots, especially when they're excited and playing. That sort of uncoordinated, messy motion and noise is the exact sort of thing that a shark (1) can detect a good distance away with its ears and lateral line and (2) would be interested in investigating.

To be clear, it's not like you might as well swim with raw tuna steaks strapped to your chest as have a dog on a beach, it's just one of those lists of things that can up your chances for having a shark involved with your day, along with stuff like
-swimming at dawn or dusk (shark hours vary but lots of them are crepuscular)
-swimming near sewage outflows (even if a shark wouldn't eat it, it may want to eat whatever DOES)
-swimming near river mouths or similarly murky water (it's a great place to hide and find prey)
-wearing shiny stuff on your limbs which could be mistaken for fish scales

Avoiding all of the above doesn't guarantee safety, and any of them being present doesn't automatically doom you to being put on a news report, but it all can maybe make a difference.

Drakyn fucked around with this message at 02:07 on Jan 7, 2022

# ¿ Jan 7, 2022 02:01

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Crab Dad posted:

The ocean is loving scary and poo poo will eat you. Don�t gently caress around in it.

concur'd

Crab Dad posted:

I hate they have to basically hunt down and kill man eaters because it�s not their fault we resemble wounded seals flopping around.

As far as I'm aware* they don't particularly have to do that with sharks; there's no real evidence of an individual shark falling into the 'hmm i'm old and sick and toothless and these bipedal apes are easy pickins' sort of habit that big cats can. Even the very rare instances where a shark actually attacks someone with premeditated intent to kill and eat them (and succeeds) seem to be opportunistic 'oh hey I'll do this' moments rather than the beginning of a long, sordid career.
That said, there's always freak outliers. Mattawan Creek's triple-attack-in-one-afternoon pileup (which was the deadliest of a string of shark attacks along New Jersey in 1916 that directly inspired Jaws) does seem to be an incident where an individual shark may have just gone fuckin' apeshit.

PS: all of us absolutely look like wounded seals flopping around and no i'm not just talking about when we're swimming.

*Important note: I am NOT a marine biologist, and the foundation of most of my amateur shark facts dates back to books published around 2004-2012ish, so take all this with a grain of salt and the distinct possibility that Crab Dad knows more than I do

Drakyn fucked around with this message at 02:57 on Jan 7, 2022

# ¿ Jan 7, 2022 02:53

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

RoboRodent posted:

This is all very good advice, and a lot of this is just limiting the chances of a shark making a mistake by not being in places where sharks are going to be hunting or where visibility is poor. It's worth pointing out that a human in a wetsuit looks a hell of a lot like a seal to a shark, and probably a wounded seal from the way we swim. A seal is fatty and nutritious for a large shark in a way humans aren't.

To highlight this, the international shark attack broadly categorizes shark attacks into three categories - hit-and-run, sneak, and bump-and-bite. The nonpredatory attacks (hit-and-run) are the overwhelming majority of all human-shark woopsies and they cover everything from 'woops thought your hand was a fish' to bodychecking a guy in hip waders head-over-heels for horning in on a school of fish you're eating (this one actually happened) to 'GET OUTTA MY SPACE bye now.' And the overwhelming majority of THOSE are nonfatal, frequently with very minor injuries if any.
Bump-and-bite and sneak attacks are extremely rare - bump-and-bite is basically exploration-with-intent-to-consume (think a movie shark attack, with the circling and investigating); and sneak attack is just attacking a human with the same sort of technique you would any large prey item - rapid, massive force with intent to kill. They're far, far, far more likely to be lethal, which says something about how rarely sharks actually want to eat people, since, well:

RoboRodent posted:

There's an average of, oh, eight or ten shark-related fatalities worldwide every year. We kill about seventy million of them every year.

'Comedy is when a million sharks fall into a fishing net and die. Tragedy is when one bites a surfer.'
:smith:

deserve better neighbors than we.

Drakyn fucked around with this message at 04:54 on Jan 7, 2022

# ¿ Jan 7, 2022 04:43

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Crab Dad posted:

In the past there�s some sort of morbid fascination with recovering body parts sharks have consumed for closure or whatever. Simply revenge imo.

God damnit moby dick is not a new story haven't these chucklefucks read it yet

Crab Dad posted:

I�m a big fan of sharks because they are natures dumpster divers just eating whatever trash is available plus the sick and the lame.
I�ve put in a lot of vokuteer hours under marine biologists but I�m just a layman of fish science. I�m also a huge fisherman/trapper in a fishery with almost 0 bycatch and that makes me feel pretty good as a steward.

# ¿ Jan 7, 2022 05:17

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Professor Wayne posted:

Zits

Remember the odd fixation on making oedipal Zits edits? Apparently so does the strip.

coronatae posted:

This strip ran til 1983. I cannot wait for Beeman in the late 1960s

drat, we're going to end up 1 year short of him doing it used to be [the forbidden planet, robot abducting swooning woman] BUT NOW, WOW [terminator, Linda Hamilton crushing robot's skull in a mechanical press].

# ¿ Jan 8, 2022 17:04

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Raskolnikov38 posted:

lmao the comments

"FULL ASTERN!" " FULL AHEAD!" "FULL ASTERN!"

"MAN-CHILD OVERBOARD!"

Hooray!!!!

Personal favourite:
'The Sargasso Tattler - 01/09/2021
The North Atlantic island community was shocked today by the appearance of a large noxious slick in the vicinity of the route of major cruise lines. "I can't explain it," Chief Investigator Harvey Clam said. "The substance appears to be mayonnaise."'

Drakyn fucked around with this message at 13:53 on Jan 9, 2022

# ¿ Jan 9, 2022 13:49

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

EasyEW posted:

Funky Winklebean

I legitimately have no idea if we're meant to find this guy to be humorous or just the worst person to ever live. It'd be easier if everyone else in Funky wasn't ALSO a wryly-smirking rear end in a top hat exulting in how huge they are in their small pond.

Samovar posted:

Selachian posted:

Get Fuzzy 1/11/02

History will look upon this as your Everett True moment, Darby.

# ¿ Jan 13, 2022 00:43

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

EasyEW posted:

Ah, screw it. Here's my audition for the OOW reboot.

Bless you.

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

Today I learned something.

The goal we all have, really.

# ¿ Jan 18, 2022 16:07

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Cowslips Warren posted:

You know, I hate going to get the women's loving exam, but I don't think I've ever bitched about it as much as Ed here has.

You don't understand - they touched his butt! He was saving that for his retirement!

# ¿ Jan 21, 2022 01:14

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

JethroMcB posted:

Forget about his essay, Charlie Brown, you need to be asking Linus "I remember when you were a newborn baby; why are we in the same grade now? I remember Lucy was a baby too, and I was already me then. What's happening? Am I in Hell?"

I mean, he isn't going to ask a question that he already knows the answer to, in his heart.

MariusLecter posted:

Please have a coconut fall on Wilbur's head, killing him and then his corpse devoured by coconut crabs.

If Wilbur ruined my lunch by caving in his head with it I'd devour him too.

# ¿ Jan 22, 2022 03:22

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Murdstone posted:

lol

I am so original.

# ¿ Jan 23, 2022 04:39

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

EasyEW posted:

Funky Winkerbean featuring AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH GODDAMMIT LES MOORE!

Funky Wankerdeath

fakeedit: goddamnit i did that whole strip before i saw this

JethroMcB posted:

"Penny for your thoughts, Les."
"Dying. Illness. Impending Death."
"Jesus Christ, always with this poo poo."

Mr. Squishy posted:

He's saying that culture war stuff is promoted to distract from the growing financial inequality. For example, during the Trump administration, Bezos was held up as a hero of (some segment of) "the left" because his newspapers were critical of Trump. It's not a particularly complicated message, and I wouldn't say it's typical centrism. I would guess the confusion has arisen because nobody knows what anybody means when they say "the left".

The problem is that this comes with the implication that 'culture war stuff' (a very, very broad category) is just an artificial smokescreen and surely if bigots and their targets/people that don't like bigots were only cleverer they would realize that the only real problem is money and the bigotry is merely fake, when the foundation of American wealth and aspiration from the get-go was acquiring stolen land and enslaved labour from peoples the colonists regarded as subhuman, something that was embraced by euro-Americans from the wealthiest to the poorest for centuries.
or, well,

somepartsareme posted:

My problem with the Pastis comic is the implication that "left vs right" is a petty squabble that somehow doesn't have anything to do with capitalism or class war. As others said, "the left and right have more in common than they think" is a pretty meaningless platitude for the many demographics that the right wouldn't mind seeing dead.

Giant Ethicist posted:

ChaCha Chako: Starting the chapter with a flashback

I can't believe Chako hadn't murdered and eaten the sun yet.

# ¿ Jan 25, 2022 23:04

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Green Intern posted:

Les can't recognize his neighbor, apparently?

When he looks at someone he sees only the precious cancer, not the flesh that clothes it.

Hwurmp posted:

why does Savarna want to murder the Walkers again

Who wouldn't?

# ¿ Jan 29, 2022 21:03

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

EasyEW posted:

Out Our Way (February 28 - March 2, 1938)

March 15th, 1938: Goldie is buried. As the friends and relations line up to pay their respects, these three guys are standing by the graveside loudly talking about how gosh lookit how nice his coffin is and how folks like Goldie look better dyin' than folks like us do livin'.

# ¿ Jan 30, 2022 05:37

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Giant Ethicist posted:

Uramachi Sakaba

The single major problem I have with this strip is that almost every one has to have someone woofing a little cloud of flatulence out of their mouth to show how they're tuckered out and finally relaxed.

# ¿ Jan 30, 2022 23:17

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Slammy posted:

Dark Laughter October 14, 1950

I appreciate everything about Miss Tillie, including the fact that she can flawlessly eliminate Bootsie.

Ghostlight posted:

The Phantom

I also appreciate this. Wonder when he'll finally take on Mrs. Advice herself: The Big Worth?

# ¿ Feb 1, 2022 03:51

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Slammy posted:

Mopsy October 8, 1937

Xtreeem Mopsy

# ¿ Feb 2, 2022 03:58

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

davidspackage posted:

The motherfucker hasn't even apologized yet, you wretched old witch

edit: seriously, it's like Mary has a bet that Estelle's going to marry Wilbur. "Haha yeah he's such an rear end I agree but you are still gonna forgive him right??"

"Ugh, I can't believe Wilbur threatened to run over my niece if he ever caught her on my property ever again, then fired at her with his concealed handgun!"
"Sometimes we love someone so much we just get carried away, you know. Anyways here's an engagement ring - no need to worry, he's already got the other one. You can thank me later!"

# ¿ Feb 2, 2022 14:37

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Murdstone posted:

The Phantom

Chacha Phantom

He saw Chacha getting in on shooting officers and took inspiration.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2022 02:27

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Either that or she's fired like three times and keeps adjusting the camera angle in between shots.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2022 19:48

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Murdstone posted:

The Phantom

Still getting shot.

Murdstone posted:

The Phantom

Julet Esqu posted:

This week Luann moves back into modern times:

My mom decided to bake some treats for the family dog once. Made the whole house smell like liver.

Yeah but what's that deformed hamster doing in the third panel?

The Bloop posted:

Oh god my childhood.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2022 20:52

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Twelve by Pies posted:

Wow, who would have guessed that Wilbur was the villain of this Mandrake story?

That off mayo Mrs. Kinley snuck into his sandwich all those years ago...he got a taste for it. And now it's led him to this.

Murdstone posted:

Rex Morgan MD

'Mad Dog' Morgan appears to be creeping into canon.

# ¿ Feb 17, 2022 05:35

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Whew, just in time to be relevant with all these comics.

riderchop posted:

On The Fastrack

On The Urinarytract

Murdstone posted:

The Phantom

Dude, she was shooting him for like two weeks; even rhetorical questioning doesn't work here.

Julet Esqu posted:

I hope it's Tara Starr's evil cousin or whatever.

But it will probably just be Bernice.

The Luantom

Slammy posted:

Oaky Doaks August 22, 1936

Oaky What? Sorry? Eh?

# ¿ Mar 2, 2022 23:24

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Potsticker posted:

Ok, Boomer.

It's times like this that reminds me that the first time I ever heard of Pearls Before Swine was Scott Adams giving it a big sloppy blowjob on his blog decades ago, because the only thing I can think those two strips have in common is shown here: an insufferable and rude little character who mouths off to everyone despite being perfectly sized for punting.

Hwurmp posted:

there needs to be a better word for mawkish

At this point even tawdry doesn't do it justice.

Doomykins posted:

Les is played 100% straight every time in the most boring way possible. He has unironically had his life enhanced by his wife dying young of a preventable cancer.

F_Shit_Fitzgerald posted:

Great point. Dedicating the Oscar to Lisa would have made a certain amount of sense; it was her struggle that inspired the movie. All Les did was capitalize on his wife's misery and, as I said, coast on that and his own misery for over 20 years.

When you put it that way, imagine how miserable Les would be if Lisa hadn't died young of preventable cancer. What would he write about? What would he do races for? Who would he climb mountains for? Why would he go to Hollywood? What would he monologue about at every single passing person, friend, family, stranger, or otherwise? He'd have empty brain syndrome.

# ¿ Mar 12, 2022 22:52

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Shugojin posted:

wait so the great tragedy is that his son just does phantom things without ever putting on the purple spandex

Also the weird fleshy sunglasses. Those are pretty tragic.

# ¿ Mar 26, 2022 18:41

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Murdstone posted:

EasyEW posted:
Funky Winkerbean

What is this?

# ¿ Mar 30, 2022 14:41

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Murdstone posted:

I'm not gonna argue I don't deserve that.

I was identifying the comic for you, not razzing you :v

Murdstone posted:

The Phantom

BOOO!

Heloise is too clever to rub some dead guy's old noggin for luck and run around in the bush in purple tights; she's going to enact political reform to take down root causes of criminal behaviour and target the wealthy. Vigilantism is old news, Walker.*

*_{For the Obsolete who Walks!}

# ¿ Mar 30, 2022 17:59

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Haifisch posted:

Origins of the Sunday Comics

'seriously my friend I was just about to gently caress that fish! oh! huh! how I am upset!'

# ¿ Apr 3, 2022 20:51

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Vargo posted:

Everyone seems to hate it for reasons I don't understand, I don't even understand the "boxy art" complaint.

Because of this I have decided it is my new favorite strip and we are going to have it every single day until I get COVID again.

You are a credit to our people.

# ¿ Apr 5, 2022 23:20

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Powerful Katrinka posted:

Lol, Taft fat

She'd have to recognize that Axel was flirting with her. Luann is the dumbest and most chaste teenager ever depicted in a comic, and possibly all media

This is your reminder that she was completely unable to pronounce the word 'abstinence' throughout the entirety of her own creepy pro-abstinence cartoon pamphlet, and that this was meant to make her seem relatable to teens rather than stupid.

# ¿ Apr 6, 2022 00:52

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Murdstone posted:

lol that they threaten to chop the head off the baby.

This is, of course, much more threatening to a baby than an adult because like 45% of a baby is head.

also,

Hwurmp posted:

that's totes a chick, callin it

# ¿ Apr 8, 2022 01:57

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Giant Ethicist posted:

Haraiso Days

drat that's smart - get us all so preoccupied on trying to call the first twist that we never see the second one coming. A+ armed robbery planning.

Professor Wayne posted:

loving rough 46 for the whole gang. I would have guessed they were on the tail end of their 50s

Their souls have rotted an extra decade and change from terminal smug poisoning.

# ¿ Apr 9, 2022 01:12

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

fondue posted:

I watched the trailer and it's like someone whom hated Marmaduke got greenlit to do a Marmaduke movie.

This makes sense because I think hate is the only strong feeling ANYONE has about Marmaduke.

# ¿ Apr 10, 2022 13:15

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

I mean technically I'm eating it all the time, it's just I call it 'a bagel I melted cheese on' and I don't insist it's going to give me reefer madness the moment my head hits a pillow.

# ¿ Apr 12, 2022 19:37

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

The_Other posted:

Solver Spring Special

Leip�juusto (aka 'bread cheese') is real and good and strong and everyone's friend. And yes, it can be consumed by pouring coffee on it and eating it.

Shugojin posted:

so after an interminable time listening to an old man, phantom still means to go ahead with this

After putting up with old man mozz's poo poo you BET he's going to do it just to spite him.
....unless that was exactly what old man mozz wanted. :tinfoil:

# ¿ Apr 14, 2022 22:44

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

His Divine Shadow posted:

However, leip�juusto is a finnish thing. And the bit with the coffee is most prevalent in the northern parts of the country, lappland. Around the Toreno-area where they got their own kind of half-mix language of finnish and swedish, they call leip�juusto kahvijuusto instead, which does translate literally to kaffeost or coffee cheese.

As someone who doesn't like coffee but enjoys cheese, I approve of any and all efforts to improve the liquid through addition of cheese.

# ¿ Apr 15, 2022 14:13

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

EBB posted:

Walking to school and some strange old man runs up and knows your name for some reason. nbd.

Funky Sexyoffender

# ¿ Apr 18, 2022 00:23

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 22:01

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

Cowslips Warren posted:

gently caress that FOOB parents. "Oh we kicked you out and realized an hour later that was bad form. We won't apologize though, you're still a deviant!"

Lawrence, in a good world, would have been found by Dustin. Dustin takes him off to the Tinkersons, who have room for two lost and abused boys. Dustin gets a job at the lightbulb factory, and everything works out great.

Oh and Lawrence goes to work for the Safe Havens lab, and gets the fucker shut down because of all the ethics violations.

Put this on the fridge next to my 'Bootsie's great-uncle broke Everett True's spine in half for being a shithead during the Great Depression' fanfic.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2022 00:12

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