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INTRODUCTION I don't want to tell anybody how to live their life, but now that I am an elderly 44-year old, and am haggard and world-weary from a life of struggle, I figured I would pass along some of the wisdom I've pilfered from books, life experience, and other sources. If you want to learn what I know, I will teach you. If not, I don't give a gently caress. It's up to you. Freedom of choice, motherfuckers! This is a work in progress, and I will continue to add to it as we travel along the road of life together. I welcome your input and knowledge, so please contribute. If you have questions, please ask. If you're afraid to ask on the open forums, PM me. LESSON ONE: CORE TENETS AND BELIEFS First and foremost, I am interested in the pursuit of knowledge, and building on the knowledge of all who've come before me. I hope to leave something behind for others to build on. We need a stable foundation to start with, so here is the hard core of my ethics: 1) I despise liars, cheaters, and bullies. If you are any of those, gently caress off. 2) Knowledge is power, and that power should be shared, because helping others raises everyone up. 3) A well-developed sense of humor is the highest form of human intelligence. 4) People are animals, and that's nothing to be ashamed of because animals are cool. However, we must be aware of our animal instincts, lest they control our thoughts and actions. 5) GOD may or may not exist. I don't know what created the Universe, and neither does anybody else. Anybody who claims otherwise is a liar, and probably a grifter. In any case, it does not matter. Don't be good because you're afraid of going to Hell. Be good because helping others ultimately helps us all. 6) All humans are descended from the same proto-humans who wandered out of Central Africa tens of thousands of years ago, so racism is dumb, and will not be tolerated in this dojo. Same with sexism and nationalism. As Diogenes said, "I am a citizen of the world." 7) Leave other people alone unless they are actively causing harm to others. Mind your own fuckin' business. *** CORE VALUES: Honesty Empathy Wisdom Humor Intellectual freedom Courage in the face of adversity LESSON TWO: NOBODY IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY KNOWS WHAT THE gently caress THEY'RE DOING This is something I wish I knew when I was younger, and struggling to make sense of our stupid world. Rich rear end holes get a free ride in life, and are usually in positions of power and authority, even though they rarely earned any of it. Bootlickers and toadies can sometimes rise slightly above the class they were born into, but the masters they serve will never respect them, no matter how hard they betray their fellow humans. The executive class pretends to work, but it's all just a series of meetings and drunken lunches, and glad-handing horseshit. They may think they're working hard, but deep down they know they are lying to themselves. People who are born rich rarely learn human values like empathy, which is why they're usually incredibly stupid, even those who went to ivy league colleges. Struggling sucks, but it is the only way to learn empathy, and empathy in needed to have a sense of humor, and a sense of humor is necessary to achieve happiness. Money does not equate to happiness. You cannot buy wisdom. It has to be earned through struggle, pain, and misery. It sucks, but you have to endure it if you want to rise above your animal self and become a happy, self-confident, intelligent human being. LESSON THREE: NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO ASKS FOR MONEY Famed cynic philosopher Jesus H. Christ (supposedly) said that money is the root of all evil. That is correct. Greed turns humans into animals. LESSON FOUR: YOU CAN'T CHEAT AN HONEST (HU)MAN W.C. Fields said that, and it is 100% true. The rest of the saying is "Never give a sucker an even break, or smarten up a chump." People who lie to you should be ignored when possible, but conning grifters is fun, and fun is important. LESSON FIVE: HAVE FUN AND LAUGH AT EVERYTHING Children and animals naturally play because play-acting is how they learn from adults. Even in adulthood, play is important because it reminds us of when we were children and hadn't yet been ground down by this brutal loving world. We can continue to learn from nostalgia, as long as it's used to build upon and create something new. Life is hard, and it's important to not take yourself seriously, because you're just a dumb idiot. Don't worry, so am I. So is everybody. Just admit it, ya fuckin' pussy! LESSON SIX: NO (HU)MAN IS AN ISLAND, DUMMY Even the dumbest person is more intelligent than the isolated loner who thinks they have all the answers. Nobody does anything on their own. We owe everything to those to came before us and passed that wisdom down. OK, that's a good start. Gutter Phoenix fucked around with this message at 22:48 on Jan 1, 2022 |
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Jan 1, 2022 22:39
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LESSON SEVEN: THE MORE YOU KNOW ABOUT AS MANY DIFFERENT SUBJECTS AS POSSIBLE, THE BETTER YOU WILL UNDERSTAND HOW THE WORLD WORKS You'll never truly understand anything until you get a sense of everything. Read autobiographies, even if they're self-serving propaganda. See how other people think. It will help you in the long run. Other people have had experiences you never will, so listen to what they have to say.
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Jan 1, 2022 22:53
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oh yeah?
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Jan 1, 2022 22:58
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LESSON EIGHT: TRAVEL WIDELY AND EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING YOU CAN The worst part about this covid bullshit is how it's made travel so difficult. Seeing new things and meeting new people widens your scope of understanding. If you want to be smart and educated, you have to learn through experience, as well as through reading.
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Jan 1, 2022 22:59
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Cubone posted:oh yeah? Yeah, motherfucker! 
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Jan 1, 2022 23:00
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LESSON NINE: READ BOOKS Books are windows into other people's experiences and perspectives, so the more you read, the wider your breadth of understanding will be. Also, there are lots of funny pee and poo jokes and stories throughout history, so keep an eye out for those. Excrement is funny, and comedy makes you smarter.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:04
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i know
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Jan 1, 2022 23:06
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Jan 1, 2022 23:07
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Oh Don Piano posted:i know 
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Jan 1, 2022 23:08
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LESSON TEN: CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE ARE AUTHORITARIAN PUSSIES WITH CRIPPLING DADDY ISSUES, AND SHOULD BE MOCKED AND RIDICULED UNTIL THEY ACCEPT THAT FACT The nature of the Universe is change, and successful species must adapt to those changes. You cannot fight nature. It is bigger and stronger than you are. The world was here before you, and will be here after you cease to exist. Accept it, pussy. Respect nature. If you don't, it will gently caress you up. *** Conservative principals are silly and stupid because they are always just simplistic attempts at keeping other people down. That is some straight-up cowardly bullshit, and should not be respected. I don't give a gently caress if people are religious or whatever, but I cannot stand intellectual cowardice. Read the loving books your beliefs are based on. Learn the history surrounding their creation. There is nothing to be afraid of. Times change, and so do human customs. Adapt, motherfuckers. You wanna live in the past? Tough poo poo. This is the present. We can't move forward by trying to move backwards, dummy.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:23
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I have a practical concern I have not been able to get a solid answer on. So far I've consulted an internet forum for a tarot card reading, but I think maybe you might know better ahem How big can a booty be before it gets weird
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Jan 1, 2022 23:26
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No such thing as a too big booty
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Jan 1, 2022 23:28
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OP I tried to use your teachings today but the man behind the counter at the KFC told me to gently caress off and punched me in the stomach so hard that I threw up on him a little, what am I doing wrong
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Jan 1, 2022 23:28
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signalnoise posted:I have a practical concern I have not been able to get a solid answer on. So far I've consulted an internet forum for a tarot card reading, but I think maybe you might know better In rough order of what a booty should be: muscle fat ------------booty line of no return---------------- silicone epoxy motor oil
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Jan 1, 2022 23:29
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signalnoise posted:I have a practical concern I have not been able to get a solid answer on. So far I've consulted an internet forum for a tarot card reading, but I think maybe you might know better That's a good question, and an important one as well. In my humble opinion, as long as it can fit into an airplane seat so you can travel together, you're good. All people are beautiful, baby! Actually, that's not true. Hateful people are ugly and unattractive. Anyone who treats others poorly will be a lovely and selfish lover. That is a fact.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:32
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drat, but not Holy poo poo.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:33
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QuarkJets posted:OP I tried to use your teachings today but the man behind the counter at the KFC told me to gently caress off and punched me in the stomach so hard that I threw up on him a little, what am I doing wrong How did he punch you in the stomach from behind the counter YOU MOTHERFUCKING LIAR???!!!
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Jan 1, 2022 23:34
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QuarkJets posted:OP I tried to use your teachings today but the man behind the counter at the KFC told me to gently caress off and punched me in the stomach so hard that I threw up on him a little, what am I doing wrong make sure you remember your electricity powers  Gutter Phoenix posted:That's a good question, and an important one as well. To be clear, are you saying the entire booty can't exceed the capacity of a single airplane seat, or are you saying that it just can't be too large for 2 people to occupy a row of airplane seats signalnoise fucked around with this message at 23:37 on Jan 1, 2022 |
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Jan 1, 2022 23:34
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Gutter Phoenix posted:LESSON TEN: CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE ARE AUTHORITARIAN PUSSIES WITH CRIPPLING DADDY ISSUES, AND SHOULD BE MOCKED AND RIDICULED UNTIL THEY ACCEPT THAT FACT Disagree OP. Nature actually wants the conservative people to wipe out all life on Earth because the laws of entropy state that everything crumbles to dust eventually. It's why conservative people are so confident they're right when they go on about enslaving or exterminating anyone who's not a straight white male: It's what the laws of nature have dictated.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:39
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What lesson number is "eat the booty like groceries" OP
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Jan 1, 2022 23:40
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LESSON ELEVEN: HOW TO WOO A MATE Be smart and funny. As we've already covered, in order to be smart and funny you need to suffer, so, unfortunately, you will need to fail repeatedly and learn to be comfortable and self-confident before you find your true love. It took me approximately 38 years, and one failed marriage before I got it right. LOL!!!!! I didn't pass my driver's license test the first time either because I got too nervous and caught up in my own head. I used to have a tendency to overthink things, and it caused me to stumble, hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of times. poo poo happens. Laugh it off, sport!
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Jan 1, 2022 23:43
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Yaldabaoth posted:Disagree OP. Nature actually wants the conservative people to wipe out all life on Earth because the laws of entropy state that everything crumbles to dust eventually. It's why conservative people are so confident they're right when they go on about enslaving or exterminating anyone who's not a straight white male: It's what the laws of nature have dictated. Nah. Think about it some more.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:44
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Gutter Phoenix posted:Nah. Think about it some more. How is think
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Jan 1, 2022 23:44
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Happy Hippo posted:What lesson number is "eat the booty like groceries" OP You can figure that out on your own. I'm not going to tie your shoes for you either, buddy.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:45
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signalnoise posted:How is think 
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Jan 1, 2022 23:46
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signalnoise posted:
Yes.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:47
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Gutter Phoenix posted:Nah. Think about it some more. Like it or not but conservatives are what humans are like in their natural state before they rise above the laws of nature. They're not stupid so much as they're complete slaves to their animalistic impulses.
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Jan 1, 2022 23:50
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Yaldabaoth posted:Disagree OP. Nature actually wants the conservative people to wipe out all life on Earth because the laws of entropy state that everything crumbles to dust eventually. It's why conservative people are so confident they're right when they go on about enslaving or exterminating anyone who's not a straight white male: It's what the laws of nature have dictated. In all seriousness, Nature doesn't act according to human instinct, although our instincts come from Nature. Nature doesn't need to obey laws. It does what it wants, just like I do. Nature is not following my lead, I am following Nature. I am at total peace with myself after decades of struggle, strife, and alcoholism. Once I cast off the bottle and accepted who I am and what I believe, it became possible for me to go with the flow of Nature, and be a part of something larger than myself. It feels fantastic, and I can teach you, if you wish. As I said earlier, it doesn't matter to me, but by helping others I can raise myself up as well, so why not? Life is hard, and I had to go through a lot of poo poo to get to where I am now. I don't want others to be forced to struggle. Struggle has made me strong, but most of it fuckin' sucked, and continues to suck. Money rules the world and rear end holes have all the money. The jokes on them though, because I have the knowledge, and that gives me power that money can't buy. LOL!!!!
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Jan 2, 2022 00:00
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sorry teach i'm too high to do the readings or anything but i totally get all of this, you know, being stuff, and stuff
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Jan 2, 2022 00:02
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Yaldabaoth posted:Like it or not but conservatives are what humans are like in their natural state before they rise above the laws of nature. They're not stupid so much as they're complete slaves to their animalistic impulses. None of that disproves what I said. It just reinforces it. Conservative people are stupid because they refuse to accept that they're animals who don't know all the answers. The truly wise understand that they can never know even a fraction of all of the knowledge in the Universe, but they work to learn as much of it as they can, because something is better than nothing.
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Jan 2, 2022 00:05
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Mozi posted:sorry teach i'm too high to do the readings or anything but i totally get all of this, you know, being stuff, and stuff 
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Jan 2, 2022 00:05
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Live Laugh Love
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Jan 2, 2022 00:24
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LESSON TWELVE: BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU PICK YOUR HEROES During our formative years and beyond, it's helpful and important to have role models to show us what we should aspire to become in order to have happy and emotionally fulfilling lives. So who should you pick? That's your call. All of our circumstances differ, so there isn't necessarily one answer that works for everybody. There are, however, certain people that you should actively avoid: 1) Liars 2) Cheaters 3) Bullies 4) People born into wealth who have the loving nerve to criticize anything poor people do. 5) Any pussy who calls themseves an "alpha" 6) Attention-seeking starfuckers 7) Anyone who asks for money, or makes promises that sound too good to be true (usually about financial windfalls) 8) Anyone who treats service people poorly 9) Cheap, stingy pricks who don't tip well
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Jan 2, 2022 00:25
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Murdstone posted:Live poo poo Piss LOL
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Jan 2, 2022 00:25
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Shoulda kept the values in the OP to 6. Then we could just 1D6 to determine our alignment for the day.
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Jan 2, 2022 00:29
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Jan 2, 2022 00:30
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ninjoatse.cx posted:Shoulda kept the values in the OP to 6. Then we could just 1D6 to determine our alignment for the day. I don't know what any of that means. If you think you can do better, put your money where your mouth is, buddy!
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Jan 2, 2022 00:37
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Jan 2, 2022 00:38
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Born to poo poo Forced to wipe
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Jan 2, 2022 00:38
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signalnoise posted:Born to poo poo Get a bidet. Or pull the garden hose through your bathroom window and use that.
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Jan 2, 2022 00:41
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