- nut
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hey folks i love cincinnati, but you know what i don't love? paying taxes, i wish i could take a handful of taxes and *shoots finger gun* pew pew *the crowd erupts*
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Mar 1, 2022 17:42
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 4, 2024 07:09
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- nut
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i was at the airport on my way here to tacoma yesterday, did you know cuz of terrorism you still gotta take off your shows at security? You know what? I wish I could take the idea of having to take off my shoes when i don't wanna and hold it in my hand and throw it up in the air and *finger guns* kerrzap kerrzap, fragged em
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Mar 1, 2022 17:45
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- nut
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*hovers off of the "submit" button and backspaces my entire draft tweet that reads "we all know comedians are the philosophers of our time, offering unprecedented insight that the less funny cannot imagine, yet my small audience brain still rumbles in hopes of lasting world peace. Is it okay to pew pew all our problems away?"*
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Mar 1, 2022 17:46
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- nut
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jeff ross sweating profusely as he sidles up to the podium at the comedy central presents roast
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Mar 1, 2022 17:53
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- Manifisto
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it is the end of a riotous hour-long standup set. rodney has absolutely slain the audience, they are literally holding their sides and rolling in the aisles, tears streaming down their faces. he pauses and a hush comes over the crowd. is he . . . is he going to do it?? it it at long last finally time????
rodney addresses his body fully to the mic, face glowing with a supernatural flush. his hand goes to the knot of his tie and performs the familiar tug. the moment stretches out seemingly to infinity. at long last he speaks and delivers his line. "I don't get no respect, I tell ya. No respect!" as the crowd goes batshit screaming and hollering, he pulls out his finger guns, points them into the crowd, blows imaginary smoke from each fingertip, and reholsters them. this is it, the singular apotheosis of comedy. nothing after will even come close.
ty nesamdoom!
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Mar 1, 2022 18:08
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- nut
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two handing my hand AR-15 at the watermelon. "Ratatat ratatat", the first three rows raise their tarp splash guards obediently. Good. good. The odd member of the fourth and fifth row pretend to wipe something off of their faces. yes.
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Mar 1, 2022 18:30
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- nut
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it's a comedy battle royale. the invisible sword guy is going ham, tossing his blade from hand to hand, whirling it above his head. his prowess is unbeatable and he knows it; a huge smile illuminates is face as he completes his acrobatics, imaginary blade pointed straight at the heart of the other comedian. all eyes turn to the finger gun guy across the stage. what will he do? how on earth can he compete with this display of absolute mastery?
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Mar 1, 2022 18:42
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- nut
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Finger gun stand up guy leaves the safety off one night for kicks and accidentally misfires. Bang! Direct hit to the heart of the gentleman in the 3rd row. "I've heard of crowd work," be thinks, "but this is really cutting it close!" He laughs, briefly, before falling backwards over his seat, landing flat out, unconscious. Nobody can rouse him. It's looking like this might be a major incident! But just then, the man comes to. "It's a miracle!", he says. Reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a copy of Paul Reiser's 'Couplehood'
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Mar 1, 2022 19:38
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- google THIS
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it's a comedy battle royale. the invisible sword guy is going ham, tossing his blade from hand to hand, whirling it above his head. his prowess is unbeatable and he knows it; a huge smile illuminates is face as he completes his acrobatics, imaginary blade pointed straight at the heart of the other comedian. all eyes turn to the finger gun guy across the stage. what will he do? how on earth can he compete with this display of absolute mastery?
"While you were shooting pretend guns, I studied the pretend blade."
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Mar 1, 2022 19:40
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- Buttchocks
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No, I like my hat, thanks.
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Finger gun guy nears the front of the airport security line, suddenly realizes he forgot to put his fingers in his checked luggage 
the airport loses his luggage and he's forced to hastily come up with a routine about someone mimicking finger guns.
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Mar 1, 2022 20:04
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- gleebster
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Only a howler
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Did you see nut's set? Killed.
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Mar 3, 2022 16:55
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- nut
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I just flew in from Canada and boy is everyone who was on that plane tired
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Mar 3, 2022 17:10
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 4, 2024 07:09
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- GODSPEED JOHN GLENN
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I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.
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Finger gun stand up guy leaves the safety off one night for kicks and accidentally misfires. Bang! Direct hit to the heart of the gentleman in the 3rd row. "I've heard of crowd work," be thinks, "but this is really cutting it close!" He laughs, briefly, before falling backwards over his seat, landing flat out, unconscious. Nobody can rouse him. It's looking like this might be a major incident! But just then, the man comes to. "It's a miracle!", he says. Reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a copy of Paul Reiser's 'Couplehood'
lmao
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Mar 3, 2022 18:30
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Mar 1, 2022 17:42
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