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Hey guys, I got promoted to lasher! I just want all of you to know that just because sometimes I have to make an example of someone, it doesn't mean we can't still be friends off the clock. It's nothing personal, just don't be slow or bumbling or unlucky and everything will be cool.
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Mar 17, 2022 16:10
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| # ? May 11, 2024 12:12 |
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Slayerjerman posted:My entire unit's armor is all misshapen, weapons rusty as all gently caress from endless marching in the rain and days of maggoty bread. Just to fight some assholes that live in a horse themed town in the middle of literally no where. Hey man, I'm an armorer for the Dark Lord and it's not our fault your gear's poo poo. We got like, 10 forges total to kit out an entire army of misshapen ghouls, ogres, orcs, goblins, and evil men, and we're pushed to pump out poo poo as fast as possible, so yeah, some mistakes happen when we're working fast enough to meet our quotas so we don't get flayed. Especially when the only metal we've got to work with is rusted scraps looted off the battlefield, often with bits of manflesh still attached. Often we'll just take the rusty weapons and armor we get and scrape the worst bits of rust off and hammer out the worst dings and bends and send it back to the army. gently caress dude, we're not even trained to do this. Dark Lord just takes the misshapen minions too malformed to fight, but strong enough to swing a hammer and throws them in the Forge-Pits and assumes they're just gonna be a master loving blacksmith. We had to figure out this poo poo as we went, it sucks!
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Mar 17, 2022 16:13
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Vernii posted:Hey guys, I got promoted to lasher! Oh here we loving go, how did you kiss rear end without having any lips?! loving sellout.
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Mar 17, 2022 16:17
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AARD VARKMAN posted:We're going in right behind the gelatinous oozes? Shouldn't we like, send them in last? They can't tell who's a good guy! They attack indiscriminately! They never give you back your bones when you lose them inside! waste of perfectly good skeletons if you ask me
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Mar 17, 2022 16:59
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By popular demand posted:Oh here we loving go, how did you kiss rear end without having any lips?! I love seeing new Lashers come in, act all high and mighty, just to get crumpled a few days later because they whipped a mountain ogre just a bit too much or too forcefully. I'm just saying, you don't see many old Lashers around.
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Mar 17, 2022 17:03
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My skeleton steed broke its leg and the loving necromancer says he has to put it down. It's already dead man, just get any bone or even stick and jam it in there 
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Mar 17, 2022 17:48
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Colonel Cancer posted:My skeleton steed broke its leg and the loving necromancer says he has to put it down. It's already dead man, just get any bone or even stick and jam it in there how did you even get the saddle to stay on? it’s so awkward watching skeletons flop around up on a skeleton horse, it’s like, we’re trying to inspire terror here gorilla glue works pretty good for quick repairs
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Mar 17, 2022 18:18
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Benagain posted:You're right walk away really isn't inclusive. Thank you for considering our legless, globular, and wyrd-fire slathered comrades.
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Mar 17, 2022 18:26
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BodyMassageMachine posted:I’m not a huge fan of the Darklord’s “we need you in the dungeons” policy (LOVED Torture from Home while the plague was still going strong), and maggoty bread every day for rations is a bummer, but at least I have good healthcare and dental benefits! If you're not gonna eat those maggots, can I have them?
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Mar 17, 2022 19:04
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Anybody else think they're spiking the drinking water with something to palette swap us into higher level monsters? I'm a blue goblin. My father was a blue goblin, my mother was a blue goblin. I guard the low-level dungeon, that's my lot in life. I'm happy with that. I don't WANT to be a yellow goblin, those guys get stuck guarding the stupid-rear end sand dungeon every time.
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Mar 17, 2022 19:08
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Why is it that we have a complex society with hundreds of sentient, common-speaking goblins within a mere day of Humantown and yet all we do is sit in a cave all day and kidnap villagers just to get slaughtered by 4-6 adventurers?
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Mar 17, 2022 19:28
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Just FYI, the Dark Lord Bolburk's retirement policy is not nearly as generous as it sounds. He says fight in five campaigns and you get your own little cave and lichen farm, but fails to mention that if you say you intend to retire after you finish your fourth campaign, he sends you to one of his conceptual canpaigns. Like he's declared war on the turning of the seasons, or the flow of the tides, things that can't actually be fought. And while you are on these campaigns you get loaned out to other campaigns for which you DO NOT GET CREDIT. The only grunts who have actually collected their fifth campaigns are people who have saved the life of the Dark Lord or one of his chief lieutenants. And even that's not a guarantee. All that gets you is a proper campaign for your fifth, you still have to survive it. Unless you are lucky enough to be on your fifth campaign when you save him. Still better than most Dark Lords. At least he feeds your corpse to the dogs instead of raising you as a skeleton forever when you die.
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Mar 17, 2022 20:13
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I envy the Filth Gobblers, nothing gets them down. Even when the Dark Priests refused to officiate same sex marriages, those little buggers just pulled their shoulders and went right back to wallowing in the pits.
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Mar 17, 2022 20:21
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BodyMassageMachine posted:I’m not a huge fan of the Darklord’s “we need you in the dungeons” policy (LOVED Torture from Home while the plague was still going strong), and maggoty bread every day for rations is a bummer, but at least I have good healthcare and dental benefits! The dental is bullshit. You are only covered if you go to one of the Dark Lord's Flesh Pits and let me tell you, that is a mistake. I went in for a routine checkup and they immediately knocked me out and I woke up with my entire jaw replaced with a spring loaded iron contraption and they amputated both my arms and replaced them with rusty iron hooks. I am now in constant agonizing pain and only indiscriminate slaughter briefly soothes the wracking agony that consumes my existence. Otoh I can bite through just about anything now and the loving lashers are too scared of me to whip me, which I guess is nice.
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Mar 17, 2022 20:40
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Wait, the penalty for failure is torture and death, but the penalty for dissertation is also torture and death? Why the gently caress did you come back, dumbass?
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Mar 17, 2022 20:55
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ikanreed posted:Wait, the penalty for failure is torture and death, but the penalty for dissertation is also torture and death? I didn't have money for the bus. And i don't really wanna go home anyway, my mom's new boyfriend is a total darklord
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Mar 17, 2022 21:08
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sweet geek swag posted:Just FYI, the Dark Lord Bolburk's retirement policy is not nearly as generous as it sounds. Any Dark Lord claiming they'll ever let a minion retire is lying. If you get in as a henchman, you might have a shot, but still, good luck. It's why I like being apart of Dark Lord Nighthorse's Unholy Horde. You serve until death, and a reasonable additional time after, but in between razing the "stone towns of the civilized world" he hates so much, everyone mostly just chills out and enjoys the swag we got from the last campaign. Good promotion prospects too, Nighthorse only cares how good you are with the bow, on a horse, and shooting innocents in the back with a bow while on a horse. Yes, you will almost certainly die and have your soul twisted into a nightmarish steed for the next guy to ride into battle, but once that loser's dead, you're free to go do whatever.
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Mar 17, 2022 21:12
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Light Warriors? More like The Light Weights.
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Mar 17, 2022 22:14
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Look directly at the camera "It's an unliven'!"
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Mar 17, 2022 22:35
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*is enjoying the sweet, calm oblivion of death* *is wrenched through realities back into my twisted mockery of life because some somersaulting dipshit sat down at a glowing thing* "gently caress!"
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Mar 17, 2022 22:36
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They all talk hot poo poo about joining the skeleton army but they never mention skeleton ptsd or veteran programs. Ol' Bill here has no intact bones left in his body and is addicted to chewing meat, smdh
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Mar 17, 2022 23:01
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Why don't they sing the whip song during marches anymore? I liked the whip song.
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Mar 17, 2022 23:52
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chopped liver again for lunch
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Mar 17, 2022 23:52
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It's been halfling toes, elf ears and dwarf balls all week! When is vegetarian option back on the menu?!
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Mar 17, 2022 23:56
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Colonel Cancer posted:It's been halfling toes, elf ears and dwarf balls all week! When is vegetarian option back on the menu?! hey buddy don't fret we're invading the misted vale of the peaceful tree people next week and you can pull as much fruit off of their splintered branches as you want. Their young just have straight up grapefruit heads.
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Mar 18, 2022 00:12
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I’ve been asked why as a necromancer with massive hoards of skeletons I don’t become a Dark Lord but honestly, there is more money in subcontracting out labor
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Mar 18, 2022 00:21
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It's not a skele-ton of fun to be your own boss sometimes, you've got to have superiors to blame.
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Mar 18, 2022 00:45
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naem posted:I’ve been asked why as a necromancer with massive hoards of skeletons I don’t become a Dark Lord but honestly, there is more money in subcontracting out labor Plus you gotta deal with regional politics. The Unholy horde accidentally rode too close to the Haunted swamps of Balzac'swett the carrion lord a few weeks ago. Well, he didn't like that, so he sent his shade after us which did nothing but wail about us "trespassing" and "Breaking the NAP" until we promised to gather the children of the next town we raided and toss them into the swamp on our way back. Plus, you're in a pretty safe position. Any agreement and alliance between Dark Lords isn't gonna last more than a few months before one betrays the other. But you get a good Skeleton guy? You ain't gonna gently caress with that. Everyone wants a good skeleton guy.
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Mar 18, 2022 01:05
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Deki posted:Plus you gotta deal with regional politics. Not Lord Bolburk. He uses their heads as latrines.
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Mar 18, 2022 02:08
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Unlucky7 posted:Why don't they sing the whip song during marches anymore? I liked the whip song. Don't worry, we can bring it back. I'll put in a request for it to be added to the playlist for tomorrow's march! Make sure you all get a good rest tonight guys, the Dark Lord's Mouthpiece has ordered assembly at the crack of dawn (haha) for the launch of his next campaign! 
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Mar 18, 2022 02:10
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Vernii posted:Hey guys, I got promoted to lasher! Unlucky7 posted:Why don't they sing the whip song during marches anymore? I liked the whip song. Vernii posted:Don't worry, we can bring it back. Fyi I talked to the beholder and they are not in favor of increased whipping. I don't really have a strong stance on the matter, but maybe we also listen to those of us who aren't pro-whipping.
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Mar 18, 2022 02:24
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AKZ posted:Fyi I talked to the beholder and they are not in favor of increased whipping. I don't really have a strong stance on the matter, but maybe we also listen to those of us who aren't pro-whipping. Someone whip this moron.
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Mar 18, 2022 02:34
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Ugh, it's the loving #24 menu MRE blood with salsa... again. Why do we never get the curry flavoured blood ones anymore?
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Mar 18, 2022 02:56
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Deki posted:Plus you gotta deal with regional politics. you can contract out skeletons to both sides of a conflict it’s great it’s tempting to make them fight worse so both sides buy more skeletons but if you overdo it you get comedy slapstick antics
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Mar 18, 2022 03:13
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You don't have to be evil to work here... we'll train you! 
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Mar 18, 2022 03:36
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AKZ posted:Fyi I talked to the beholder and they are not in favor of increased whipping. I don't really have a strong stance on the matter, but maybe we also listen to those of us who aren't pro-whipping. I hear you and understand where that perspective is coming from but the whipping is a matter beyond my pay grade. Literally, none of us get paid, we just get to live another day if we're lucky. The beholders don't really have to worry about it anyway because 1. They're too terrifying. 2. They aren't expendable meatshields like the rest of us. Well, not as expendable. Clearly all of us are expendable in the service of our Dark Lord, but there are tiers to it. sweet geek swag posted:Someone whip this moron. On it!
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Mar 18, 2022 04:27
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Colonel Cancer posted:It's been halfling toes, elf ears and dwarf balls all week! When is vegetarian option back on the menu?! "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!' *collective groan throughout mess tent*
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Mar 18, 2022 04:40
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Yo, is this dark lord legit? My last dark lord tanked all his stock when some halfling threw his magic bullshit in a lavapit and suddenly the heroes kicked all our asses in the big fight.
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Mar 18, 2022 04:47
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TO: admin_of_the_damned_69@hell.org RE: dildos yo, larry. these barbed dildos you sent us from west texas loving suck. every time one of us tries to use the electric shock feature, it shocks US.
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Mar 18, 2022 04:55
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| # ? May 11, 2024 12:12 |
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My section's getting customer complaints. Putting a boss in a level 1 dungeon is "unfair". Using nothing but skeletons and enchanted suits of armour is "lame". Just admit you're here because you get off on slaughtering weak minions who bleed and feel pain. loving adventurers. Awful people.
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Mar 18, 2022 13:16
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