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Bacontotem posted:Yo, is this dark lord legit? My last dark lord tanked all his stock when some halfling threw his magic bullshit in a lavapit and suddenly the heroes kicked all our asses in the big fight. I hear he has a foolproof plan: he is completely invulnerable to attack accept for a glowing red gem on his stomach. When the heros attack, he will walk in a repeating pattern. Right before he does his super attack, when his arms arm fully extended upwards, the gem is visible just for a second. It’ll really freak them out! then, if somehow they do somehow manage to damage him enough, he’ll do the exact same pattern of attacks only faster. we’ll all make sure to throw ourselves at the heros one by one for all 100 levels of the castle starting with the weakest first
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Mar 18, 2022 13:46
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You know, I'm a slime. Why am I even here? What kinda darklord sees a sentient booger and goes "yes! Just what my army needs!" And why did they give me this helmet? They think I have a head to protect? It just sinks into me and sits there and I reckon it'll just pop out if someone kills me, which seems very likely.
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Mar 18, 2022 14:30
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Mooey Cow posted:You know, I'm a slime. Why am I even here? What kinda darklord sees a sentient booger and goes "yes! Just what my army needs!" And why did they give me this helmet? They think I have a head to protect? It just sinks into me and sits there and I reckon it'll just pop out if someone kills me, which seems very likely. one of my recent contracts stipulated that every forth skeleton had to have a silver piece or two coppers on their person. skeletons don’t wear pants! and he didn’t pay for armored skeletons. I had to rig a way for the coins to stick to their body in a way that if defeated the coins would fall to the ground and then glow slightly with a number indicating value appearing in the air.
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Mar 18, 2022 14:43
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sweet geek swag posted:Someone whip this moron. Oh no! don't hold back on my front.
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Mar 18, 2022 15:35
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Mooey Cow posted:You know, I'm a slime. Why am I even here? What kinda darklord sees a sentient booger and goes "yes! Just what my army needs!" And why did they give me this helmet? They think I have a head to protect? It just sinks into me and sits there and I reckon it'll just pop out if someone kills me, which seems very likely. You ever hear of the King Slime? Dude is just some slimes that unionized into one big slime. I've thought about getting my crew and seeing if we could organize like that, you in?
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Mar 18, 2022 15:53
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I'm skeleton who just wants to rattle my bones! Can I talk to a dark wizard to make me into a bone tornado so I can rattle my enemies with my bones?
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Mar 18, 2022 15:53
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"So I says, go on Hurkel, open the chest! I bet it has a ton of gold in it. I'm totally sure it's NOT a mimic."
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Mar 18, 2022 17:02
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dervinosdoom posted:I'm skeleton who just wants to rattle my bones! Can I talk to a dark wizard to make me into a bone tornado so I can rattle my enemies with my bones? here, hold this tnt and walk towards the enemy
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Mar 18, 2022 17:22
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"Did you see my sword? This isn't my sword. My sword is a +2 Sword of Chaos. This is a PLUS ONE sword of ANARCHY. Where's my fuckin' sword?!"
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Mar 18, 2022 17:23
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What's with all the adventurers in the ranks lately? This army needs soldiers, who take orders, not go on treasure hunts!
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Mar 18, 2022 17:47
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And another thing. Half-elves? All pain in the rear end, is what I say. Fuckin' snowflakes.
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Mar 18, 2022 20:55
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Human, elf, pick one!
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Mar 18, 2022 20:55
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I knew a guy whose whose parents were a half-elf and a half-dwarf, making them a Hu’El’Warf. wouldn’t shut up about it. He made a pretty good skeleton though
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Mar 18, 2022 21:00
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Lucky Guy posted:If you're not gonna eat those maggots, can I have them? Apologies for the delayed response, just got back from giving/receiving lashings; mi maggots su maggots
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Mar 18, 2022 21:40
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Last night was a good night, we killed a foul wizard, a foul cleric and a foul necromancer. Our druids even sacrificed the cleric! Join Bolburk everyone! We kill all the foul magic users, and replace them with nice druids. And by nice I mean murderous. Tomorrow we're gonna raid a bard's college! Who doesn't want to kill a whole school full of Bards?
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Mar 18, 2022 22:23
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Don't come to work tomorrow. *next day shoots Sauron then myself*
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Mar 18, 2022 22:27
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precision posted:And another thing. Half-elves? All pain in the rear end, is what I say. Fuckin' snowflakes. Hey, we may be a dark horde killing and plundering across the lands of the kingdoms of light and order but we respect the strength of diversity and have a zero tolerance policy for racism. Please see Argas-Sukullath the Agonizer of Toresrus in HR to set up a diversity and inclusivity seminar.
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Mar 18, 2022 23:00
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A command economy with perfect obedience and hard workers, and no one thought to grow crops? We can only pillage idyllic country villages and eat each other when we're hungry? That's not sustainable. Do you know how many armies we could muster if we weren't all committing cannibalism? I personally ate 3 archers over the course of the war
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Mar 19, 2022 00:09
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ikanreed posted:A command economy with perfect obedience and hard workers, and no one thought to grow crops? We can only pillage idyllic country villages and eat each other when we're hungry? I've served four separate Dark Lords/Ladies. And aside from my current Lord none of them had any sense of sustainability. Even he only really looks at sustainability through the lens of preserving a primeval version of nature where all peoples are red of tooth and claw. Not exactly luxury, but if you like lichen, boy howdy do we a deal for you.
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Mar 19, 2022 03:54
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I changed jobs from working for a boss with a jewelry fetish in a hazardous volcanic fortress looking for half-sized men to chasing teenage witches and wizards from their high school because the guy in charge has a vendetta against some kid he tried to murder like 5 or 6 times. I'm not sure this line of work is sustainable in this economy, with the cost of healing potions and magic herbs on the rise. At least work gave me this sweet robe and lets me use my own wand. Now if I could just figure out how to write off the milage on this broomstick, I might even get a tax refund this year! Slayerjerman fucked around with this message at 09:36 on Mar 19, 2022 |
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Mar 19, 2022 09:32
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naem posted:how did you even get the saddle to stay on? it’s so awkward watching skeletons flop around up on a skeleton horse, it’s like, we’re trying to inspire terror here I'm something of a necromancer myself.
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May 3, 2022 15:05
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Horses are so last winter, check out this sweet direcat skeleton I got from my dad! I'm kind of a big deal.
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May 3, 2022 15:16
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Boss said he's gonna graft a shield directly to my spine, help me become a better solider. If that takes I'll be in line to get some chainmail attached directly to my skull. Still haven't told the wife, to be honest. I think she's gonna be pissed. But I'm getting a 5% increase in pay AND rations for this. That just makes financial sense!
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May 3, 2022 15:35
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I'd like to file a formal complaint against Herumor. He called me an Orc. No! That is not what we're called and yes it is a big deal. I am an Uruk. Orc is a derogatory slur that the elves calls us. Well I want him fired or I'd like to eat him. I'm happy with either of those outcomes.
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May 3, 2022 15:44
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He called you the C-word?! Hold on- I'll get my slow cooking cauldron (elves can be dry and stringy)
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May 3, 2022 15:54
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I like elf meat, not because it tastes good, but because elves suck.
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May 3, 2022 15:56
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Do you mind if I invite Zerk? you wouldn't guess it but Dark Elves are just nuts for slow roast Elf.
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May 3, 2022 16:05
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Looks like meat is back on the menu!
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May 3, 2022 17:15
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Eh, Elf is more of an amuse-bouche before we massacre the fat juicy manor over the hill. mmm... I'll never tire of free range peasant!
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May 3, 2022 17:34
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Funky See Funky Do posted:I'd like to file a formal complaint against Herumor. We've been over this, Herumor is a half-orc, and his nation has always used the term orc to identify themselves. The fact that you are policing his language is due to a history of cultural imperialism where your people have systematically attempted to suppress the accomplishments and existence of his people as not 'real Uruk culture.' The elves had nothing to do with it until you expelled all his people into the elven lands. Well we will not be participating in your cultural genocide, thank you very much.
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May 3, 2022 18:15
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Funky See Funky Do posted:I'd like to file a formal complaint against Herumor. we appreciate your perspective but are absolutely not getting new war banners printed. "Death Orc gently caress Gang" is fine. You can make an Uruk, uh, nametag for yourself or something, though.
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May 3, 2022 18:50
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I knew a skeleton mage who was literally there when they created the first uruk via a vile ritual and he says uruk just means orc in primordial 
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May 3, 2022 19:08
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Colonel Cancer posted:I knew a skeleton mage who was literally there when they created the first uruk via a vile ritual and he says uruk just means orc in primordial Sauron and Tiamat were in the closet making uruks and I saw one of the uruks and the uruk looked at me!
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May 3, 2022 20:07
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Anyone else tired of putting their skulls back on every time a warrior comes through? I get it, it’s funny the first few times but even the low-level adventurers are getting tired of waiting for us to finish before we fight.
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May 3, 2022 20:14
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Lucky Guy posted:Sauron and Tiamat were in the closet making uruks and I saw one of the uruks and the uruk looked at me! a cursed blend of intellectual properties to be sure
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May 3, 2022 20:23
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I'm sorry you don't like the lack of soup options, fancy pants Rapeface McHorrible, but tough poo poo. You can have your elf soup in the tainted blood broth or you can just shut the gently caress up and not have any elf soup at all.
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May 3, 2022 20:24
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naem posted:a cursed blend of intellectual properties to be sure i see you're familiar with my fanfics
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May 3, 2022 20:36
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gently caress this bullshit. Why are we even guarding this dumbass back gate? Nobody ever comes back here.
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May 3, 2022 20:41
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So you know how Darklord Manadu offered up a thousand bloodstones for any minion or henchman who could turn one of the Paladins of Iotharr. Well my buddy Urgik, he misunderstood what he meant by "Turned", and walked up to one of the invading Paladins and started hitting on him. We all had a good laugh about it at the time, but they do make a good couple...
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May 3, 2022 22:51
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A Fancy Hat posted:...I don't WANT to be a yellow goblin... Bad news, I think you might have jaundice. Guys, I think I messed up. You remember that side-gate portcullis to the dark lord's lair? Well, turns out I left it open and some adventuring party snuck into the fortress and made a mess of things, so I've been demoted to meat-wagon crucifix hanger. I mean, I guess it's not all bad, I don't have to actually do work, but my arms are literally killing me.
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May 3, 2022 23:27
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