We Live In IKEA

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kuskus

BYOB went to lunch at IKEA and stayed until after close. Now we�re caught in a loop of hiding or feigning being a customer. What is your favorite thing about living at IKEA?

# ? May 10, 2022 01:35

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# ? May 3, 2024 17:17

Finger Prince

Rearranging the furniture.

# ? May 10, 2022 01:49

Viginti Septem: Oculus Noctuae

Plato's allegory of the IKEAVE:

"Guys, you're never gonna believe this! There's an exit, and a whole world beyond furniture--"

/Bludgeoned

# ? May 10, 2022 02:23

kuskus

My favorite thing about living in IKEA is gathering around the fake computers to tell tales about Usenet and IRC.

My second favorite thing about living in IKEA is sleeping in the wire bin full of stuffy sharks.

My third favorite thing about living in IKEA with my friends from BYOB is re-creating that scene from Ghostbusters where Slimer rises out of the hot dog cart with a mouth full of hot dogs, but instead of Slimer it�s one of us every time.

# ? May 10, 2022 02:28

Finger Prince

All the meatballs, lingonberry sauce, and daim cake you can eat.

# ? May 10, 2022 02:49

google THIS

Everything's preassembled so there's that

# ? May 10, 2022 03:02

Manifisto

opening all the packaged items and taking out one or two fasteners, connectors, shelf pegs, and such is frankly a lot of work but I am sustained by the importance of what we are doing

the fun part is putting "SALE!" signs everywhere so that when the staff arrives in the morning they have to run around in a panic making sure that all the signs are taken down

ty nesamdoom!

# ? May 10, 2022 03:02

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

people walking through my bedroom and asking me what my SKU is

# ? May 10, 2022 03:04

Viginti Septem: Oculus Noctuae

Buttchocks posted:

people walking through my bedroom and asking me what my SKU is

Not much, what's SKU with you?

# ? May 10, 2022 03:07

Entropic: patriarchy sucks

hiding in the large under-bed drawer of a display floor bedroom set to sneak out after hours and set in motion the greatest allan key heist the world has ever seen

# ? May 10, 2022 03:43

Finger Prince

I take down all the nice rugs and spread them around the floor all haphazard in the lighting area, then wheel all the house plants over, both fake and real, turn off the overhead lighting, and pretend I am dwelling in some scandi-bohemian den of iniquity.

# ? May 10, 2022 03:48

kuskus

So, you�ve decided to stay overnight at IKEA.

The first thing you learn is you�re not alone.

Night 1: you take the pledge not to spill the beans about our operation. Once you pass, several busy dwellers rearrange the furniture to create Jerry Seinfeld�s apartment. A hilarious Sweded version of the show plays out, with fries and princess cakes to share. You�re faced a choice: you can tip to support the show and never speak about this again, or you can live in indentured servitude replaying Seinfeld episodes at IKEA.

Night 2: begin life as a set striker. Your job is to make sure everything is as it was according to seasonal layout after the show has concluded.

Night 36: audition for the roles of Newman or George�s mom.

Night 72: Mutiny. The most senior folks want to switch the show to reruns of Friends.

Night 99: Meredith Burgle, who originally came to IKEA for a sculpture shaped like pixelated deer but stayed late for fun, has died. She ate too many candles. She gave the balance of her small IKEA pencils to Kinzie Klotz, local highschooler.

# ? May 10, 2022 04:05

frump truck: hello... again!

the toilets on the show floor are not connected to plumbing

# ? May 10, 2022 06:17

frump truck: hello... again!

an environment rich in unusable toilets is a pretty close analogue to hell imo

# ? May 10, 2022 06:19

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

I have fashioned a crude radio out of a chair leg, lamp wire, and spare allen wrenches. I had to look up youtube directions on my cell phone, but I managed to contact a random number station. I haven't yet decoded their reply. Any suggestions?

# ? May 10, 2022 06:51

Twenty Four

kuskus posted:

So, you�ve decided to stay overnight at IKEA.

The first thing you learn is you�re not alone.

Night 1: you take the pledge not to spill the beans about our operation. Once you pass, several busy dwellers rearrange the furniture to create Jerry Seinfeld�s apartment. A hilarious Sweded version of the show plays out, with fries and princess cakes to share. You�re faced a choice: you can tip to support the show and never speak about this again, or you can live in indentured servitude replaying Seinfeld episodes at IKEA.

Night 2: begin life as a set striker. Your job is to make sure everything is as it was according to seasonal layout after the show has concluded.

Night 36: audition for the roles of Newman or George�s mom.

Night 72: Mutiny. The most senior folks want to switch the show to reruns of Friends.

Night 99: Meredith Burgle, who originally came to IKEA for a sculpture shaped like pixelated deer but stayed late for fun, has died. She ate too many candles. She gave the balance of her small IKEA pencils to Kinzie Klotz, local highschooler.

lol

# ? May 10, 2022 07:27

google THIS

Children of the Bj�rn

# ? May 10, 2022 13:37

gleebster: Only a howler

I don a cowhide/sheepskin combo and become the guide of the IKEA marketplace, using my cunning ways to lead people the short way from kitchenware to lighting

# ? May 10, 2022 14:11

Finger Prince

"He ventured into the warehouse weeks ago. I fear he is lost to us"
"The stacks?! But why? Surely he knows of the horrors that lurk in the stacks!"
"I know not. Last we spoke, he was looking at a chair with a location tag that said 'to buy this item, ask us for help'. He kept repeating numbers to himself... twenty-four... sixteen... twenty-four... sixteen..."
"Those sound like aisle numbers, or bin locations! I'll organize a search party!"
"NO! It is forbidden! No-one may enter the warehouse. You would risk the peace forged generations ago by the Pact of As-Is? No. Leave this matter. He is lost to us."
"He was my lover, old one. I refuse to leave him to those foul hot dog eating denizens of the lower levels. I will return with him. Alive."

# ? May 10, 2022 15:00

Fredrik1: Gopherslayer

IKEA hasn't had customers since the late eighties, everyone just lives there now.

# ? May 10, 2022 18:03

Armitag3: Forget it Jake, it's cybertown.

google THIS posted:

Children of the Bj�rn

# ? May 10, 2022 18:21

Entropic: patriarchy sucks

all men die in IKEA, not all men truly live in IKEA

# ? May 10, 2022 20:51

alnilam

Finger Prince posted:

"He ventured into the warehouse weeks ago. I fear he is lost to us"
"The stacks?! But why? Surely he knows of the horrors that lurk in the stacks!"
"I know not. Last we spoke, he was looking at a chair with a location tag that said 'to buy this item, ask us for help'. He kept repeating numbers to himself... twenty-four... sixteen... twenty-four... sixteen..."
"Those sound like aisle numbers, or bin locations! I'll organize a search party!"
"NO! It is forbidden! No-one may enter the warehouse. You would risk the peace forged generations ago by the Pact of As-Is? No. Leave this matter. He is lost to us."
"He was my lover, old one. I refuse to leave him to those foul hot dog eating denizens of the lower levels. I will return with him. Alive."

Don't go!! Your eyes are not ready for the sight of things that are *scary chord* unassembled

# ? May 10, 2022 22:30

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

kuskus posted:

What is your favorite thing about living at IKEA?

the tubed smoked salmon. say what you want about the swedes, but they tube a good smoked salmon

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# ? May 10, 2022 23:04

They Might Be

every morning i wake up so ~~scared~~ ready to produce content because it's like i'm already on the set of a commercial or tv show from the moment i open my eyes !!

# ? May 11, 2022 00:19

They Might Be

Entropic posted:

all men die in IKEA, not all men truly live in IKEA

if only i had ÄPPLARYD myself

# ? May 11, 2022 00:22

kuskus

The night market factions in the Schaumburg IKEA are stressing me out. Atlanta�s IKEA was so much more happy go lucky. At least we�ve made a deal with the truckers. Used to we had to stay at one location. Now you can burrito yourself in a mattress and wake up somewhere much the same but despite similar SKUs, you�re in for a culture shock.

Local Asian patrons have turned Plants and Candles into a nail spa. Ex Michael�s employees from Naperville think they know everything about picture frames and are running their own alteration business. Don�t get me started on �Chicago Style� hotdogs in the cafe- you can�t simply crumble vinegar Lay�s and tell me it�s a substitute for celery salt. I�m not buying it.

Me? I can make a reasonable facsimile of Top Golf out of green shag rugs and low frequency LED lighting, a sheet or two. It ain�t much, but I�m getting by.

# ? May 11, 2022 03:37

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

I have found the remains of a previous generation of IKEA dwellers. Several full skeletons, and a bunch of leftover metatarsals.

# ? May 11, 2022 21:33

The Walrus: by Fluffdaddy

I choose to sleep on a basket of giant turtle plushies rather than a bed

# ? May 12, 2022 00:55

cruft

I would get all the couch cushions and build the mother of all pillow forts. Then I'd decorate the outside tastefully with some plastic plants, and put some stuffed animals around here and there to make it look like an outdoor scene. One strand of lights, one outdoor reclining chair, and one apple cider (0.2% ABV) later and we've got ourselves a nice evening.

# ? May 12, 2022 01:50

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

first thing everyone asks is what happens if an employee sees you? first thing, they're called "coworkers", even if you don't work there. second, stay away from the registers and you can go days without seeing one.

# ? May 12, 2022 03:52

MAP20 Gotcha!: You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar But I Feel Like One Million Robux

renting out to a space in the warehouse where I am several racks up and far back enough that you don't feel like looking very loudly playing tekken 3 off of a power supply several meters down on the floor

c:Saoshyant, deep dish peat moss (Guardian of Transportation)

# ? May 12, 2022 04:42

Khanstant

i lay under the thing they use to heat up the hotdogs and whenever someone tries to use tongs o grab a hotdog i pop up and shhhooop suck the hot dog right up. im really sick from eating all these hdogs

# ? May 12, 2022 05:13

sb hermit

Buttchocks posted:

people walking through my bedroom and asking me what my SKU is

"Do you come with the sofa?"

# ? May 12, 2022 08:58

sb hermit

to be honest, the refrigerated smoked herring is quite good with the rye

# ? May 12, 2022 08:59

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

by�b

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? May 12, 2022 10:12

Khanstant

chewing lingon berries with my mouth open like i'm the lingonking

# ? May 12, 2022 16:59

Twenty Four

I've never been inside an ikea but from the sounds of things this thread got me wondering if I got my hands on an ikea uniform, how long I could get away with wander around acting like I worked there, possibly even to the point of other employees thinking that I was legitimate and then just living there.

"Twenty Four? Oh yeah, aren't they in the bedroom furnishings department? I just had lunch with them two days ago. Real team player, always stays late too, I swear it's almost like they never even go home!"

# ? May 13, 2022 06:42

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Twenty Four posted:

I've never been inside an ikea but from the sounds of things this thread got me wondering if I got my hands on an ikea uniform, how long I could get away with wander around acting like I worked there, possibly even to the point of other employees thinking that I was legitimate and then just living there.

"Twenty Four? Oh yeah, aren't they in the bedroom furnishings department? I just had lunch with them two days ago. Real team player, always stays late too, I swear it's almost like they never even go home!"

Opening up an Ikea after hours Air B&B/escape room and watching Ikea's profits go through the roof

# ? May 14, 2022 01:16

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# ? May 3, 2024 17:17

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

gonna initiate you into our gang, The Flat Pack. then you have earned the right to carry our signature weapon, the hex wrench

# ? May 14, 2022 06:02

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