LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

There is a difference between Sagas and drama. The two are often intertwined, but for the purposes of this thread we'll define Sagas as tales or events that people outside of Something Awful, perhaps outside the internet all together (they exist??) would find fun, funny, or otherwise interesting and noteworthy. Drama is when the event in question is doing little but causing a lot of people sadness, frustration, or harm.

"Honey Trap Queen" posted:

I think you missed people mocking km personally, despite her wild amount of honesty and candidness.

I think the fact she is taking this all in, bringing in BFC and such is a good sign. She has always struck me as genuine and sincere. I said this previously but I have personally seen her reach out to lots of people for a long time.

topher2915 posted:

Last night about nine p.m. I was sitting on my back porch having a beer and a cigarette. I stepped inside to talk to my wife, grabbed a beer and headed back outside. I immediately noticed a puddle that had formed on my deck while I was inside. I thought it was odd, and mentioned it to my wife. She came out, looked at it and determined it (by smell) to be piss. I grabbed a flashlight and hopped on a chair to see what the deal was, as we could see that it was dripping from the roof.

It was a big pile of poo poo. (picture taken this morning for lighting purposes)





Figuring it to be either a big animal or a human, I went back inside to get a gun and my wife went to our neighbors house, as they were in their garage, to see if they heard or saw anything. We all met in the back yard, and wandered around looking for signs of trespass. Then, my wife went to go inside to check on our baby, asleep at that time. She found the door to have been locked behind us, and it only locks from the inside. We were all outside. The baby was inside with whoever locked the door.

With gun in hand, I immediately hauled rear end around to the front of the house while my wife followed, screaming at the neighbors to call 911. I burst through the front door and ran to the back of the house and into the baby's room. She was fast asleep in the crib, so I started running around kicking doors open, checking closets, turning lights on. Nothing and no one. We got the baby and went outside to wait on the cops.

They got there about twenty minutes later, we explained the situation, all looked at the poop, and went around the house. At the point where our fence ties into the house, the shingles were smashed down, as if someone was standing on the fence and dragging themselves up. no other evidence was found, besides the obvious leavings.

Possibly a kid playing a prank, but that is a dangerous game to play when in Texas and putting my wife and child in danger, whether real or imagined.

Honestly I don't even know if there was actually anyone inside at any point. It has never happened, but I suppose in the excitement the door could have locked itself, though I have no clue how.

We don't normally lock any doors unless we are going out of town, but I guess we will have to start that now, and it sucks. Sucks to feel violated.

Assuming no one was inside, does anyone know of an animal that can take a human size poo poo, then piss on the poo poo, and do it all on a roof? That would help alleviate our anxiety.

TLDR: poo poo on a shingle

pog boyfriend posted:

first post!!!!!!!!

E: gently caress!!!!!!!

Synthetic Dreams posted:

"Those cats in fancy dress are beautiful..

EDIT: so, um, i have big emergency due to some failed house appliances, and while I could probably sell my sanity to Rent-a-Center to solve it, maybe goons could help out with buying replacements since everything in my house is vintage 1979 and beyond anyone's ability to find replacement parts for. I need about $10,000 USD, and I can show you invoices in private for the estimates I got for replacing them. It's okay if there are higher priority individuals right now. I've received a lot of sincere help from y'all, and I'm very appreciative, so if you can spare anything, my PayPal is [snip] or Venmo: [snip]. I can even do Zelle or Cash app, but it's like whatever. I've been without some meds up until today so I'm kinda just vibing on feeling sane again, lol. <3"

50s girl groupon posted:

I sent them the last couple bucks I had a while back because they said they were rationing insulin and couldn’t afford more. I’ve seen at least a dozen stories about people who were a few dollars short of paying for their insulin and dying for it, so it scared me for them. I can go without food a couple days if it means someone doesn’t die because American healthcare is hosed.

Anyways immediately after I sent it SD made comments that sounded like they were admitting to a grift. I want to believe the best in people so I let it go, now I’m just sad.

edit: I showed my wife General Catz and she was absolutely delighted lol

StrixNebulosa posted:

Can anyone recap sad printer toting goon saga? It’s been a while and that’s a classic.

borky posted:

A loose female acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for her and bring it over in the afternoon. "Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I'll help you, I'm all yours," I tell her. She sends me this file and lo and behold I can't open it. It's made in Microsoft Publisher and I don't have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.

I finally come up with an idea and I tell the girl, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to her house, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to her a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.

By the time I get there, I'm wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering her room (my first time in a girl's bedroom) are some panties on her bed.

After the initial shock of seeing such a horrific sight for the first time, I setup the printer and get my job done. However, I did consider sniffing the lingere when she left the room once, but with the wuss that I am, I just ended up staring at them the whole while. That was a sarcastic joke for those of you too stupid to realize that

To make a long story short, just as I was finishing up with the printing job (which was hefty), her boyfriend and his gay friend walk in, say hello, and begin hanging out in the room as they waited for the girl to finish this work so they could go to the mall.

This effectively ruins my chances of getting a hug and I walk another 2 miles home with the motherfucking printer in hand. The only thing that I got out of this were some very painful fingers and a "thanks" as I walked out her bedroom door.




So, am I pathetic for doing all these things? It wouldn't be the first time I've pledged my heart and soul to a girl and gotten back almost nothing in return. I would hate turning her or anyone else I knew down or making up some lie.

EorayMel posted:

Why am I such a complete, submissive gently caress?

EorayMel posted:

Why am I such a complete, submissive gently caress?

EorayMel posted:

Why am I such a complete, submissive gently caress?

EorayMel posted:

Why am I such a complete, submissive gently caress?

quote:

WATCH BUSH START A loving WAR

Ruddha posted:

Babies grow up and that's okay, it's like, sometimes a great meal is worth a lot of prep, for example. Horses only get more likely to die from a stupid reason as they get older. Oh poor ol' Freckles, thought of ants and died

Morally Inept posted:

It gets worse than this....lets just say that Buffy was a female dog and my depravity knew no limits. I try to avoid that memory at all costs.

Fister Roboto posted:

And yes, for the record, explaining the process of an unjust system can be seen as tacit support for that injustice. Discuss that instead of probating people.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Lowtax change it so that unregistered users can't list forums in the panel. Some piece of logic in the code decided that not being able to list forums means it should show the banned page. The banned page shows your username - it'd say something like "CONGRATULATIONS fishmech!!!". However, logged in users do not have a username, and get set to a default one. Thanks to literally radium, this default was "Unregistered human being".

I turned off the "logged out users can't see forums" setting for now, and pushed this patch to remove the slurs:

code:

commit 077765fc017446469f9f51025de87b78ec3d3f79
Author: Jeffrey of YOSPOS <JeffreyOfYOSPOS@gmail.com>
Date:   Wed Jan 1 16:32:41 2020 -0600

    remove radium slurs from code

diff --git a/include/authbbuser.php b/include/authbbuser.php
index ca6c718..eca9c16 100644
--- a/include/authbbuser.php
+++ b/include/authbbuser.php
@@ -84,7 +84,7 @@ function bbuser_init($bbuserid, $bbpassword, $ip_address) {
        // if we didn't get a user above, make a guest (yes, this is still required)
        if(!($bbuserinfo[usergroupid])) {
                $bbuserinfo['userid'] = 0;
-               $bbuserinfo['username'] = 'Unregistered human being';
+               $bbuserinfo['username'] = 'Unregistered User';
                $bbuserinfo['daysprune'] = -1;
                $bbuserinfo['timezoneoffset'] = $bbuserinfo['showvbcode'] = 0;
                $bbuserinfo['usergroupid'] = $bbuserinfo['showsmilies'] = $bbuserinfo['showsignatures'] = $bbuserinfo['showavatars'] = $bbuserinfo['showimages'] = 1;
diff --git a/include/global.php b/include/global.php
index 245385d..9ddcf0f 100644
--- a/include/global.php
+++ b/include/global.php
@@ -207,7 +207,7 @@ if ($is_dev_mode && in_array($bbuserinfo['usergroupid'], array(6)) && isset($_GE
                $g = 1;
                $bbuserinfo = array(
                        'userid' => 0,
-                       'username' => 'Unregistered human being',
+                       'username' => 'Unregistered User',
                        'daysprune' => -1,
                        'timezoneoffset' => 0,
                        'showvbcode' => 0,

wet butt posted:

was i picked on in middle school? hmm let me think
* Weighed 750 pounds
* Parents were both Charles Manson (long story)
* Wore a bath robe to school every day
* Had the word "homo" instead of a mouth

OMFG PTSD LOL PBUH posted:

Go ask the career development folks at the MPF. Also pimp the TMO folks and ask them.

The final answer comes from one of those two sources. And in the end you have a 50/50 chance of being told the wrong thing anyway.

But you asked for thoughts, and after smoking a bowl and contemplating things, I had a thought I'd like to share with you.

Have you considered not marrying your fiancee?

I can count on one finger the number of guys that were USAF intel officers that I wouldn't line up outside the gas chambers if the fourth reich became a thing.

A few years from now, when you can't even stand to look at him without feeling a sense of extreme hatred and disappointment simultaneous to realizing that at 28 years old you spend 50% of your day thinking about becoming a divorcee, remember this advice: Run the gently caress away now.

Seriously, there is a 100% chance your fiancee is a tool and a loving nitwit. There is a 100% chance that he will be peer pressured into becoming a distilled version of fighter pilot gay bro'ness not by dudes that fly fighter jets, but other sperged out intel retard officers. He's going to start saying things like "Check, Rodge, Vector, Burner" and other associated lame as gently caress things, while also sometimes randomly wearing a flightsuit to work on Fridays despite his only flight time being the fam flight he poo poo his pants or puked his guts up during.

Also he's going to cheat on you. Oh man is he going to cheat on you. And there is a not too bad chance that it won't be with some good looking gal, but rather some dumb bitch enlisted intel girl that almost got a degree in psychology from her podunk state school before she decided she hated the taste of gargling frat sperm and dropped out and joined up to get a chance at being the hottest little twat in a windowless SCIF in Japan.

But don't worry about that breaking your heart, he'll never tell you. You'll be too busy caring for the 3-4 kids he demands you squeeze out in repayment to the base model BMW 3 series he's going to buy you when he gets to his second assignment at Tinker AFB.

When he's not deep dicking some borderline inbred dipshit Airman who's a civilian 5 and intel 12, he'll be lording over you how his job and career come first, and pray he doesn't make more money than you because that'll come up everytime you sigh audibly at the dinner table where you two will passive aggressively try to grind down each others will to live and breathe.

By this point as a captain he's going to be TDY 1-2 months a year, where he's getting half assed hand jobs from third tier strippers on excursions with the least socially inept enlisted guys in his flight-- this is probably the point where his raging alcoholism will be so clear and obvious to you that you two will start fighting every saturday before kick off when his colleges football team inevitably will take a beating. This fight won't stop until his next TDY when the sweet release of his toothless stripper infidelities and lack of home presence gives you time to bust out your big giant purple *BZZZZZ* friend whenever those walking talking pants making GBS threads machines you call children fall asleep long enough to let you deaden the nerves in your clitoris.

Soon after he'll take his third assignment, the one right before he pins on Major, and suddenly he'll be pressuring you into becoming a fundamentalist christian, and he'll delete all of his whores off of his facebook account and spend his home time posting image macros about 2nd amendment rights, and how jesus spoke english in the bible so these loving mexicans should too. At this point you two will be consigned to bi-annual loving, and only when you've drank enough cheap boxed wind to be able to stand the idea of him pounding away on you missionary style but still refusing to look you in the eyes.

This will also be the point when your oldest childs ADHD and pyromania are diagnosed, and one of your parents die. There is around a 85% chance one of you is going to be eating zoloft and klonopin out of loving pez dispensers, and waking up angry that the sweet release of death hasn't taken one of you out of this loveless hosed up marriage.

Somewhere in here the idea of swinging is going to come up casually as an almost joke when you are both in the blissful release of a nice drunken buzz, and one of you will actually be very open and interested in the idea. The other is going to wind up being an unhappy accomplice wondering why your partner wants to gently caress almost chubby guys with spray on tans, or watch the sacred hole through which your children came into this world be filled with all manner of different ethnicities of cock.

I'm late to bring this up, but sooner rather than later you're also going to screen positive for HPV, and your intel officer husband is going to take every bit of research skills he has from his job to convince you that you got it from donating blood or sitting on a toilet seat.

You didn't get it from the Red Cross or a trip to the shitter.

As it stands now though, you can walk the gently caress away and enjoy a life that I'm pretty sure would be better than the above. And you'll never have to see the inside of an officers wives meeting which is a lovecraftian hell that makes my description of your future seem like Charlie's trip through the chocolate factory.

graey alien posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. ITS CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECRO BASTARDS OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

LulzGuy88 posted:

im permabanned poster ****** stomper58. i first started reading fyad when i was about 12. by 14 i got really obsessed with the concept of "irony" and tried to channel it constantly, until my thought process got really bizarre and i would repeat things like "****** balls" and "i love making GBS threads inside ****** assholes" in my head for hours, and i would get really paranoid, start seeing things in the corners of my eyes etc, basically prodromal schizophrenia. im now on antipsychotics. i always wondered what the kind of "ironic" style of fyad humor was all about; i think it's the unconscious leaking in to the conscious, what jungian theory considered to be the cause of schizophrenic and schizotypal syptoms. i would advise all people who "get" fyad to be careful because that likely means you have a predisposition to a mental illness. peace.

Spinz posted:

Yay
Glad this thread is back and thank you mods in advance

rahum posted:

Recently I found I was not the only one.

Long ago, when I would be making out with a lady, I would get a boner, and for whatever reason, I thought she might be upset about that (I don't know why). So when we were finished with kissing, I would have to leave the room "clever" so she woudlent see it.

What I would do was crawl away on all fours pretending to be a cat. I would even go as far as saying "meow" as I crawled around the corner to fix myself before I went upstairs.....

Another friend of mine apparently use to pretend he was a monkey while jumped around until he was clear out of the room.

Anyone else?

shelley posted:

Did you hide your boner?

sebmojo posted:

The Saddest Rhino and Roth are the mods to go to if you have questions about this thread.

HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

My condolences, these threads are never not terrible.

HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

My condolences, these threads are never not terrible.

Honky Dong Country posted:

They're fine when iks do what they're supposed to

Pablo Nergigante posted:

I wonder why that is *Looks at list of forum IKs* I guess we’ll never know

Loooogan posted:

Somewhere between 1992-1995, I would say, I remember a commercial of Hulk Hogan advertising a certain pair of shoes. Inside the sole there was a drawer-like compartment in which one was supposed to keep small pieces of meat such as beef jerky or ham. This meat would be kept warm while they walked.

I have asked roughly 20 people if they remember this product, none of them do. Someone suggested that due to the outrageousness of the product, it's possible that I am remembering a spoof commercial from Saturday Night Live. That is most definitely a possibility. But I remember seeing this commercial on more than one occasion. Certainly my seven-year-old self couldn't have been having reoccurring dreams of Hulk Hogan shoes. Help me, Internet.

Here is a picture of what I vaguely remember it to look like:

T. Finn posted:

You are out of your loving mind.

Gubbinal Girl posted:

I don't have a link to the original thread but Hulk Hogan Meat Shoes is a favorite of mine.

Jose posted:

Someone find me the Skyrim Irish wolfhound Scottish deerhound meltdown please

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

I wish I had saved more of the zdr doxx reactions. they were really proud of themselves.





There was a lot more information in this post, I just didn't bother capping it all. After this it took a couple pages of grinning and backslaps before anybody even commented on goatse.



Somebody thought to question the name veracity after this and so they doubled down. zdr was definitely Kirk Johnson. One guy said he could "have eyes on his house by Thursday."



Eventually they figured it out.

pentyne posted:

pentyne posted:

Gubbinal Girl posted:

I don't have a link to the original thread but Hulk Hogan Meat Shoes is a favorite of mine.