Flatten the cattle corpses, turn the beefsteaks into rotting pancakes.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Flatten the cattle corpses, turn the beefsteaks into rotting pancakes.

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Korthal: May 26, 2011

Climate Change has given us this amazing story.

reuters posted:

Top U.S. cattle feeding companies sent 1,000-pound carcasses to a Kansas landfill, where they were flattened by loader machines and mixed with trash, after a June heatwave killed thousands of cows, documents seen by Reuters show.

Other cattle were buried in unlined graves, a feeding company said.

Neither is a typical method for disposing of bodies. But so many cows died in the unusual heat and humidity that facilities that normally convert carcasses into pet food and fertilizer products were overwhelmed, prompting the state government and cattle feeders to take emergency measures. read more

The mass deaths and subsequent scramble to deal with decaying bodies sparked a push for changes in the meat industry in Kansas, the third-largest U.S. cattle state.

Kansas is forecast to see more high temperatures that can stress and potentially kill cattle this summer, adding to the myriad problems caused by increasingly extreme weather linked to climate change.

Although state officials authorized companies to dispose of carcasses at the Seward County Landfill in Liberal, Kansas, they are now considering alternatives to decrease the risks for foul smells and other problems if more deaths occur, the landfill's director said.

...

Landfill workers used loading equipment with steel wheels to flatten the cattle to about eight inches and mixed the bodies with garbage, a process that took nearly three weeks, Theiner said.

"After you run them over they'll go flat, but they're gonna sponge back up," Theiner said. "You get a mass of 'em and you get on it, and it's like running a piece of equipment on top of a water bed. It moves."

Kansas temporarily suspended requirements that carcasses be covered by at least six inches (15.24 cm) of dirt or trash each day due to the unexpected deaths, Theiner said. The carcasses had a putrid smell up close, he added.

"Once you got in it, whew!" he said. "I have a couple operators that have iron guts."

Landfills are the last resort for carcasses because of complications with smells, animals digging in trash, and difficulties covering the bodies immediately, Theiner said. Kansas officials are exploring whether more cattle could be composted at feedlots instead, he said.

...

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:14

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# ? May 15, 2024 07:12

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Sorry OP but this was already covered in 2002 by a goon

Tossed_Salad_Man posted:

TSM has a very crazy uncle, heres the besy x-mas story EVER..

My uncle lived on a HUGE farm in Kentucky. He HAD lots of cattle. He also like to drink. He also worked in construction not really a side job he did more construction and kept cows for food.

Oh yeah, he ALSO likes high powered rifles and assault rifles, he has MANY.

And I need to mention the Bulldozer he has as well, can anyone see where this is going?

This bulldozer was some old army surplus rickedy shitbox contraption of death, with none of the modern day saftey features on those nowadays, and if there was some kind of saftey device he had it removed one way or another.

So there we all were at his farm for christmas, since he did have the largest home to comfortably hold all the relatives at once and in comfort. Well, granny made her "special" egg nog, and as she was getting on in years sometimes forgets things and apparently as she made the egg nog a few days ahead of time, she would forget if she added any alcohol, and thus kept adding burbon to the eggnog. In short she had made egg-rocket fuel, or eggNOOOOOOOGGGGG as it is refered to by the family to this day.

Well everyone proceeded to get tore down christmas family style and my uncle gets rowdy when he gets drunk.

So he goes and gets out his sks, which he had gone and purchased all of the illegal perts needed to make it a select fire, fully automatic, assault rifle.

He goes out to the edge of the field and begins emptying 30 round magazines into the cows cloest to him, right in the loving face and or side and or necks.

He went out with about 8 magazines and wound up killing 8 and wounding 6.

IT GETS BETTER.

He then proceeded to get on the loving bulldozer and proceeded to run over, mash, and pretty much make hamburgers right there in the field, WHILE YOU WAIT.

He was screaming about bulldozing them goddamn cows and bull dozing bulls and laughing maniacly, he then decided it would be cool to go and basically do "donuts" or spin the treads of the bulldozer over the smashed shot carcases of the recently living cows.

Eventually he got tired/passed out and fell off the bull dozer, narrowly escaping his own death and the bulldozer plowed into a 150+ year old oak tree, where it grunted and strained aginst the tree. My other uncle ran out to turn the dozer off and we dragged my drunken passed out uncle covered in cow blood and mud into the garage where they hosed him off.

LUCKILY he lived far enough out in the country no law enforcement people were called and luckily no one was loving killed.

Everyone was too drunk to eat dinner, and we all passed out and awoke to a very pissed off agrivated uncle who wanted to know WHAT THE gently caress HAPPENED OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT??!!

It took a half a day to expalin to him, and as we all sat around eating leftovers laughing about how funny it was that almost all of us could have died or been killed.

He is in a "home" now for "special people" just like him.

This was 1995 btw.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:16

Bloodfart McCoy: Jul 20, 2007; That's a high quality avatar right there.

Truly, we live in a dazzling age.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:18

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

If Bushman was still around he would write the same stuff except instead of cows it would be pigs

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:20

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

quote:

"After you run them over they'll go flat, but they're gonna sponge back up," Theiner said. "You get a mass of 'em and you get on it, and it's like running a piece of equipment on top of a water bed. It moves."

Think I�m gonna skip burgin today.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:29

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

It's practice for climate & super plague mass graves

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:32

Korthal: May 26, 2011

EorayMel posted:

Sorry OP but this was already covered in 2002 by a goon

Crazy drunk goon uncle vs state sanctioned animal corpse disposal.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:39

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

Yeah, that's pretty typical. My family does dairy farming and haven't had to deal with mass-cow-corpse disposal, but when a heifer goes down out in the pasture it might not get found for a bit. That meat aint usable, and leaving it in place above ground draws predators/pests that could injure the remaining animals. Also cows don't like hanging around corpses, it stresses em out!

So a chain gets wrapped round a leg or it gets picked up in a bucket and moved off to a corner somewhere and dumped in a hole, then covered up.

Livestock farming can be gruesome. Pulling a dead calf out of a live cow so they don't go septic is even grosser - spoilered for extremely gross, you were warned.

sometimes the calf ends up coming out in pieces. Additionally the cow doesn't always go into labor properly for a stillbirth necessitating removal by hand

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:44

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

KitConstantine posted:

Yeah, that's pretty typical. My family does dairy farming and haven't had to deal with mass-cow-corpse disposal, but when a heifer goes down out in the pasture it might not get found for a bit. That meat aint usable, and leaving it in place above ground draws predators/pests that could injure the remaining animals. Also cows don't like hanging around corpses, it stresses em out!

So a chain gets wrapped round a leg or it gets picked up in a bucket and moved off to a corner somewhere and dumped in a hole, then covered up.

Livestock farming can be gruesome. Pulling a dead calf out of a live cow so they don't go septic is even grosser - spoilered for extremely gross, you were warned

sometimes the calf ends up coming out in pieces. Additionally the cow doesn't always go into labor properly for a stillbirth necessitating removal by hand

I thought what I read about horses on here was bad but :yikes:

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:45

Zeluth: May 12, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

Scrappple frome the people who gives great eggs.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:45

Korthal: May 26, 2011

KitConstantine posted:

Yeah, that's pretty typical. My family does dairy farming and haven't had to deal with mass-cow-corpse disposal, but when a heifer goes down out in the pasture it might not get found for a bit. That meat aint usable, and leaving it in place above ground draws predators/pests that could injure the remaining animals. Also cows don't like hanging around corpses, it stresses em out!

So a chain gets wrapped round a leg or it gets picked up in a bucket and moved off to a corner somewhere and dumped in a hole, then covered up.

But did you grind the cow up underneath the treads of your tractor before burying it less then 6 inches deep?

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:47

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

Korthal posted:

But did you grind the cow up underneath the treads of your tractor before burying it less then 6 inches deep?

They'll squish it a bit if they can, yeah. Usually with the bucket, not the tires. mostly they come back a few days later and run over the already buried part a few times once decomp has softened things up, then add more dirt

Also 6 inches thick of dirt layered over an area large enough to cover a bunch of cow corpses is quite a bit of dirt. Cows weigh thousands of pounds, they aren't small.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:48

Robo Reagan: Feb 12, 2012; by Fluffdaddy

EorayMel posted:

I thought what I read about horses on here was bad but

humans have been loving with cow genetics through selective breeding for so long that they just can't survive without humans to do that kind of stuff for them

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:48

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Ronald McDonald is gonna be increasing his list of whistleblowers and he's gonna be pissed

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:50

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

Robo Reagan posted:

humans have been loving with cow genetics through selective breeding for so long that they just can't survive without humans to do that kind of stuff for them

No animal can survive having a stillbirth stuck in it's uterus - it happens in nature too. You just don't see it because the corpses are in a woods or something and get eaten. You're thinking of designer dog breeds.

Most calf births go plenty smoothly - a cow not calving easily is a defect in genetics that is very undesirable since dead calves and cows don't make money.

Daughters with high ease of calving is on the list of "reasons to buy this bull's frozen juice tubes" when you order bull semen from a catalogue.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:50

Zeluth: May 12, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

Fast food nation. Bounce into plastic balls for my chicken nuggets.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 17:52

Yaldabaoth: Oct 9, 2012; by Azathoth

Robo Reagan posted:

humans have been loving with cow genetics through selective breeding for so long that they just can't survive without humans to do that kind of stuff for them

This story reminded me of the death metal band Cattle Decapitation and they actually have a song that's fitting for this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8t8g8lU4ms

# ? Jul 27, 2022 18:15

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

Now I'm curious what the stat for heat tolerance is called on those D&D style breed sheets they have

# ? Jul 27, 2022 19:43

SLICK GOKU BABY: Jun 12, 2001; Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls

The most upsetting thing about this is they didn't take the true opportunity to be journalistic all stars and write...

"After you run them over they'll go flat, but they're gonna sponge back up," Theiner said. "You get a mass of 'em and you get on it, and it's like running a piece of equipment on top of a water bed. It moooooves."

# ? Jul 27, 2022 19:53

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Cattle heat tolerance is calculated in camel-units. It is important to consider the difference between single hump camel-unit and multihump camel-unit, lots of complicated maths involved

# ? Jul 27, 2022 19:58

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

AARD VARKMAN posted:

Now I'm curious what the stat for heat tolerance is called on those D&D style breed sheets they have

"Hardiness" with a focus on "tolerance for hot weather"

The Brahman breed from India is understood the best heat tolerance of any cattle breed, and has been crossed into a lot of American lines to try to capture that trait - https://www.thecattlesite.com/breeds/beef/67/brahman/

Brangus- Brahman/Angus cross - is the meat breed, because bhrama have a bit small carcass weight on their own. Angus brings high carcass weight to the table. Both are p fast growers/good moms which is also important in meat cattle.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 19:59

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Are there d&d character sheets-as-industrial-tables for people insane enough to make/manage deer farms (because why the gently caress would you have a deer farm)

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:01

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Same but kangaroo/ostrich farms

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:02

Korthal: May 26, 2011

KitConstantine posted:

They'll squish it a bit if they can, yeah. Usually with the bucket, not the tires. mostly they come back a few days later and run over the already buried part a few times once decomp has softened things up, then add more dirt

These are not front-end loaders though, these are landfill compactors. Note the article specifically mentions the steel wheels.

Those are wheels for macerating cows into hamburger patties.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:04

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

I haven't seen the kind I'm talking about for any animals other than for-sale cattle jizz

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:04

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

AARD VARKMAN posted:

I haven't seen the kind I'm talking about for any animals other than for-sale cattle jizz

I know what you mean now lol. I'm p sure they have em for goats/sheep,maybe pigs. I'll post an example here in a bit for the curious

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:06

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

i will die happy if there's actually a stat for pig ball size out there somewhere

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:07

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

EorayMel posted:

Are there d&d character sheets-as-industrial-tables for people insane enough to make/manage deer farms (because why the gently caress would you have a deer farm)

On that note

Intruder posted:

Also apparently there's a district court judge in Texas who received half of her campaign donations in the form of deer semen. $51K worth. Of deer semen

Leperflesh posted:

I see I see so are there deer farms where they're trying to breed superior deer or what else does one do with especially excellent deer semen

like what is throwing me is the idea that you need to farm loving deer, they're all over the goddamn place and readily available to be hunted if you want some deer meat

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:08

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

some article about collecting pig semen posted:

‘When boar young, semen sweet,’ the Slovenian said. ‘When boar old, semen bitter. We taste.’

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:11

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

Korthal posted:

Those are wheels for macerating cows into hamburger patties.

...I mean I bet they worked really well for that. But not the intended usage. Also I'm not sure what else you would suggest they do with all the carcasses? 'eating them' was out of the question because a)animals dead of natural causes are a bad bet for eating - no guarantees that it wasn't actually the heat that did em in and b) dead meat with the guts left in starts to rot really fast, especially in the heat

Onto the semen!

First the standard - lets go with a Brahman bull since that's what I mentioned specifically. the ever reliable semen peddlers at bovine-elite.com have your options!

Lets go with this healthy boi - Mr Kallion Secondhand Smoke 4, because silly names are part of the fun! 100 bucks for this boy's juice

quote:

Mr Kallion Secondhand Smoke 4 is possibly the most powerful bull ever produced by Kallion Farms. He is a moderate frame, heavily boned, great temperament, and structurally very correct bull. His genetics will add power, fertility, easy fleshing, and the carcass and docility traits Kallion Farms is known for. Secondhand Smoke�s dam is the powerful female Miss Kallion Leila 24/3, who raised a keeper heifer as a first calf heifer and calved another beautiful heifer the same month the following year. Leila herself is a daughter of Lorraine 708 who has become a matriarch of the herd. Coming from one of the strictest brahman operations in the country, Secondhand Smoke will be an ideal sire to be used in registered and commercial cattlemen�s operations.

Link: https://www.bovine-elite.com/shop/beef-semen-sales-registered/brahman-grey/mr-kallion-secondhand-smoke-4/

but for the stats we need to go to the breed association page for this lad - https://brahman.digitalbeef.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=_animal&file=_animal&animal_registration=1040966

The stats:

First, the basics:

Now THE CHART

And a partial chart translation - you'll recognize the acronyms

The DnD stats comparison is...disturbingly apt

In fact, this guy is coasting on his pedigree right now it looks like. No stats of his own progeny

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:19

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Beef THAC0

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:21

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

McGavin posted:

Beef THAC0

I'm tempted to find a boy with more history. But until then I found this very estabilished boar on, of all places, swinegenetics.com! Less stats available because if I wanted to look up his full pedigree/stats I'd need to make an email and pretend to be a swine breeder, and yall aint worth it. The swine guys aren't as open as cattle folk

https://swinegenetics.com/boar-info.php?Id=1100&from=frozen&animal=&Cnt=192&Counter=38&breed=3

Posting balls tho

note the below meat/fat thicknesses can only be determined post-slaughter, so this man is selling his semen from BEYOND THE GRAVE

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:28

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

KitConstantine posted:

...I mean I bet they worked really well for that. But not the intended usage. Also I'm not sure what else you would suggest they do with all the carcasses? 'eating them' was out of the question because a)animals dead of natural causes are a bad bet for eating - no guarantees that it wasn't actually the heat that did em in and b) dead meat with the guts left in starts to rot really fast, especially in the heat

Onto the semen!

First the standard - lets go with a Brahman bull since that's what I mentioned specifically. the ever reliable semen peddlers at bovine-elite.com have your options!

Lets go with this healthy boi - Mr Kallion Secondhand Smoke 4, because silly names are part of the fun! 100 bucks for this boy's juice

Link: https://www.bovine-elite.com/shop/beef-semen-sales-registered/brahman-grey/mr-kallion-secondhand-smoke-4/

but for the stats we need to go to the breed association page for this lad - https://brahman.digitalbeef.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=_animal&file=_animal&animal_registration=1040966

The stats:

First, the basics:

Now THE CHART

And a partial chart translation - you'll recognize the acronyms

The DnD stats comparison is...disturbingly apt

In fact, this guy is coasting on his pedigree right now it looks like. No stats of his own progeny

i remembered the name of one specifically and found the catalogue page, so please take a look at the stats of Naruto:

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:28

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

AARD VARKMAN posted:

i remembered the name of one specifically and found the catalogue page, so please take a look at the stats of Naruto:

Oh yeah dairy cow farmers take a lot more data, since dairy cows are expected to produce for far longer than beef cows.

Beef cows are slaughtered pretty fast. Dairy cattle, well-treated and with good genetics, can produce milk for over a decade. So their bodies have to last a lot longer.

Also the udder dimensions are pretty important for ease of milking since it's pretty much all done by machine at this point. Machines are put on by humans often, but there are some super-automated set ups now where the milking machine kinda hooks itself up once the cow is in the stall

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:30

Korthal: May 26, 2011

KitConstantine posted:

...I mean I bet they worked really well for that. But not the intended usage. Also I'm not sure what else you would suggest they do with all the carcasses? 'eating them' was out of the question because a)animals dead of natural causes are a bad bet for eating - no guarantees that it wasn't actually the heat that did em in and b) dead meat with the guts left in starts to rot really fast, especially in the heat

I'm not saying we can do anything else with them, I'm merely stating how metal it sounds to have so many dead cows the only way you can dispose of them is to pulverize them under steel spiked wheels.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:48

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

Korthal posted:

I'm not saying we can do anything else with them, I'm merely stating how metal it sounds to have so many dead cows the only way you can dispose of them is to pulverize them under steel spiked wheels.

Ahhh okay! Fair enough, it is p metal. Glad I didn't have to do it tho. The smell + sheer quantity of flies :barf:

# ? Jul 27, 2022 20:54

hell astro course: Dec 10, 2009; pizza sucks

KitConstantine posted:

So a chain gets wrapped round a leg or it gets picked up in a bucket and moved off to a corner somewhere and dumped in a hole, then covered up.

Livestock farming can be gruesome. Pulling a dead calf out of a live cow so they don't go septic is even grosser - spoilered for extremely gross, you were warned.
[/spoiler]

It's true. Someone had been using a field to secretly dispose of hogs awhile back, and the problem with secrets is nobody knew, so another decided to come along and till the field for sorghum. The hog-corpses were un-yet decomposed and an overpowering stench erupted from the earth causing involuntary vomiting for several miles.

# ? Jul 27, 2022 21:06

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Let's run a d&d game in gbs using these sheets as premades

# ? Jul 27, 2022 22:31

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

Colonel Cancer posted:

Let's run a d&d game in gbs using these sheets as premades

I'm willing to source em if someone wants to run it! We'd have to specify beef vs dairy campaign though, the cowacters use different statlines

# ? Jul 27, 2022 22:32

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# ? May 15, 2024 07:12

KitConstantine: Jan 11, 2013

People could choose based on the registered names of cows and I'd give em the sheet of the big boy they chose. Can build the character from there

# ? Jul 27, 2022 22:35

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Flatten the cattle corpses, turn the beefsteaks into rotting pancakes.

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