StrangersInTheNight posted:

Farted so hard in my mom's belly she exploded, that's how I came into this world and that's how I plan to leave it

The Alchemist posted:

My passion is the human race, I'm holding my farts to save them from suffering. It's a thankless path but I can take it. Rest assured if sitting next to me in a bus, unlike Jesus I will not turn the other (butt)cheek

The Alchemist posted:

Farts do not amuse me one bit. Never have and never will, putting me in the seemingly disenfranchised and minor niche of people who hold their farts in public.
Even back in elementary school, the other pupils would often cheerily partake in the "pull my finger" routine, socialising and finding meaningful connections through the shared experience, while I heroically held my gas in public, "letting one loose" later in my solitude(a feat I have been excelling at since). Needless to say I was ostracized and my bleak future was already sealed, but I chose to stand my ground and practice militant politeness regardless.
Even in adulthood I occasionally see a public display of fart in a social setting, say a backyard barbecue for example. If the majority of attendees condone it, I excuse myself and leave, never to be seen again with these cretins. As a person of exceptional behaviour, I cannot be seen with perps who applaud proto-scatological performances, where people are dining no less!

To this date I have heard countless farts and smelled myriads more, and who knows how many more I have to face. I have requested for exactly none. Meanwhile I myself have gone to hell and back in effort to keep my farts out of all unsoliticing parties - friends, family and even foes alike. I have not weaponized my farts against my enemies. In my 30 years on this earth, only 3-5 times have I farted when someone is in field of effect and each were easily excused near-death situations. You are statistically more likely to stumble upon bigfoot than my fart. To me this spells success. I just wonder why others don't feel like doing the same favour for me.

In my humble opinion flatulence does not grant any sensatory reward to the spectators, in fact quite the contrary. The sound is arguably the lesser evil compared to the foul odor that can pester everyone in the affected area for up to hour, but I still find it guilty by association. I will never understand the radio disc jockey that makes the premeditated choice to broadcast a pre-recorded sound of a fart to the masses, yet this is something of a norm in the FM waves. The cowards dont even have the guts to authentically rip air on-air, instead they replay the same soundbite of passed gas from the past, time and time again. It has to be a sexual perversion at that point.

And no I am not mad that you are like a toddler that has yet to grasp the control of their bodily functions, I don't doubt that you piss your pants too. I have perfectly come to terms that the proud and loud fart community will overwhelm the auditory and olfactory experience in any shared space until kingdom come. I just try to mind my own business and try to keep out of your way, even if you don't keep your farts out of mine. But who knows if the next one will be the last fart that breaks the camel's back? Not everyone is team toot, and one day we will rise up, and we will stick that fart right back in to your rear end so deep that you can taste it. So I'd suggest you turn the safety on, and only release the ghosts of your ate food in a concealed, secure location.

Private Cumshoe posted:

human farts are the only ethical greenhouse gas

covidstomper58 posted:

Science has determined that people enjoy their own farts. This fact is indisputable. It is ultimately a decision that a person must choose for themselves, what am I gaining by these farts. If you don't enjoy them, the blame is on you, for choosing to be around the farts you don't enjoy.

covidstomper58 posted:

And an unavoidable consequence of human existence. Humans are born with a certain amount of fart particles, as determined by their genetics and their labor. When they are young a large amount of them are released, and this varies as time goes by until they get depleted and die. No farts can be created or destroyed, only released and diluted.

WAR CRIME GIGOLO posted:

Fart

WAR CRIME GIGOLO posted:

Fart

The Alchemist posted:

Hmm yes but given that we are sentient self aware beings, we have an option to fart somewhere else than a packed elevator.

bossy lady posted:

Hey baby I hear my cheeks a clappin', boiled cabbage and rotten eggs
And maybe it smells a bit disgusting, yeah maybe, poo poo's running down my legs.
Haha
But I don't know what to do when I smell cabbage and rotten eggs
I'm farting again.
(smells like rotten eggs all over the place. What is a boy to do.)

Smugworth posted:

When you're wearing a CPAP nose mask and fart, the CPAP sucks in the fart and pumps it directly into your nose

Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:

forlorn karkhole

Dixville posted:

I'm reverse farting. Everyones farts are sucked back into my butt. Take that

stinky ox posted:

I have farted on every sheep in my small flock, and the donkey.

I have yet to fart on the llama.

The Alchemist posted:

A post so long and strong I can smell it. Shame on you Farty McFarts.

bossy lady posted:

how many calories does a fart burn

Turrurrurrurrrrrrr posted:

The minimum you can do is to light 'em up and burn those fart calories. Most just vent them to the atmosphere and accelerate climate change. Me? I recycle farts by sniffing them.

Bloodfart McCoy posted: