attempting to sell swinging axes and spike traps

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > attempting to sell swinging axes and spike traps

Heather Papps: hello friend

they're worse! which means deadlier, which means better!

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 11, 2023 23:45

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# ? May 3, 2024 12:34

Heather Papps: hello friend

do you want razor sharp or rusty dull? we have all options here at mr pitts pendulums and ephemera!

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 11, 2023 23:46

Heather Papps: hello friend

i am very, very sorry about what happened to your dog but come on, it's a spike pit it doesn't know your dog from your neighbours?

refund? sure yeah we'll just put the dirt back - WE ALREADY USED THE DIRT. GO AHEAD WITH YOUR YELP REVIEW gently caress OFF.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 11, 2023 23:52

Manifisto

no sir, the spikes don't come in pink . . . I know, I know, but it turns out there's relatively modest demand for custom colors for the spikes in a deadly spike trap. the thinking being, I suppose, that it is the shape of the spikes, rather than their hue, that will grab people's attention. especially those discovering them all of a sudden, ha ha!

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Feb 12, 2023 00:30

Heather Papps: hello friend

i know this sounds like magic, and it isn't - we do sell magical traps however - but yeah, the blood is the lubricant. as long as you have a steady supply of low level adventurers you'll never have to - well yeah, you're gonna have to pull bones out i guess, if they get - no listen our traps are bone crushing strength - the trap part, but if a femur gets in the gear you're- yes we have a maintenance plan but i gotta tell you i think you're worrying too much.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 12, 2023 00:37

JokerOfSouls: You need to feed your brain, not your ass!

You know, I really think you're looking at this all wrong. There's honestly no better way to check the quality on these bad boys if you think about it. And now you can be sure we weren't exaggerating the extra sharpness or camouflage packages, right? Anyway if you're about done screaming I can set you up with the deluxe edition and

# ? Feb 12, 2023 03:34

google THIS

Well yeah, if course our swinging axes are designed to swing millimeters away from their victim the first time and lop off the top of their mustache or the feather on their hat but otherwise leave them unharmed. It's federal law.

# ? Feb 12, 2023 04:41

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

Would you be interested in our spike pit extended service warranty?

# ? Feb 12, 2023 04:56

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

How about our Swinging Axe Savings MasterCard?

# ? Feb 12, 2023 04:57

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

I was told there would be a replenished inventory of conveyor belts and perfectly spherical boulders :colbert:

# ? Feb 12, 2023 05:03

alnilam

Dungeon traps all laid out for sale in a tacticool mail order catalog like BudK

# ? Feb 12, 2023 05:58

Plant MONSTER.: I was watching simpsons at 0.75 without knowing until a scene where homer and bart were getting back massages at a hotel and the noises they were making were super drawn out like a youtube poop

Do you have anything that occasionally emits a fireball

# ? Feb 12, 2023 15:01

HELLOMYNAMEIS___

yes, i'm looking for something in the way of self-firing crossbows. yeah, pressure-activated switches. oh, say about half a dozen, 3 on each side of the corridor. and some trapped chests for the treasure room. i don't know, poison cloud? summon imp? what do you have?

# ? Feb 12, 2023 15:20

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

For a low annual maintenance fee, you earn credits that can be used to reserve any of our traps locations at a time that's right for you!

# ? Feb 12, 2023 15:29

Simsmagic: im beautiful

I understand that the collapsing floor is something you really want sir, but keep in mind that you're in a second story condo and we don't have permission to install the requisite spike pit in the floor below. You lack an upstairs neighbor, perhaps I could interest you in a spring trap that catapults people into spikes on your roof?

thank you dumb sex-parrot for the wonderful sig!

# ? Feb 13, 2023 03:44

google THIS

Can I interest you in a poison dart that causes foaming at the mouth and convulsions? No, I'm afraid the ones that cause people to freeze in place with a shocked expression for a few seconds before comically toppling over are on back order.

# ? Feb 13, 2023 05:40

google THIS

Yes, the chain that lifts our supply elevator broke so the trolls are having to carry all of our new inventory up the dungeon stairs by hand. So we are in fact having supply chain issues, thank you very much.

# ? Feb 13, 2023 05:43

FutonForensic

I'm telling ya Williamson, all I need -- ALL I need -- is one of those spike traps locked up in your office to make a sale and I'll be at the top of that board. This dreck you're handing me -- quicksand? Nobody wants to buy quicksand! A rut, that's all this is, Williamson.

# ? Feb 13, 2023 13:11

Heather Papps: hello friend

wait WHAT? you used one of our model a-22 swinging double bladed pendulum axes on a tree? what the hell were you thinking, no the damage is not covered under warranty.
you used one of our works of art to smack a loving tree?

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 13, 2023 13:48

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

No sir, for the last time, it's not that kind of swinging. Please stop calling.

# ? Feb 13, 2023 17:25

nut

CIA purchases no questions for ongoing covert years-of-led-style domestic operations in italy, considerate of their new anthropological research of having played SMB3

# ? Feb 13, 2023 19:29

Quadramind

And for those times when you're off duty, they're a whizz in the kitchen, too, just look at that fruit salad. Chopped and screwed. Order now and get them before you find yourself in a pit, just gushing from clean, precise perforations, squashed flat as a bug, thinking "Gosh darn it, this trap is gorgeous. If only I had taken the time to dial that number and make three easy payments for not one, not two, not five, but EIGHT artisanal, hand crafted, luxury traps , AND the free blade wiper, AND the free wooden carrying trunk, with no money down"

You can't get better than that, and I don't say this about every trap we have on the show, so you know this is an offer not to be missed.

# ? Feb 15, 2023 11:37

Manifisto

yes, ma'am, we can make a pedestal for your icon that will detect any weight shift of the object sitting on top of it. yes, we can use that weight shift to trigger any of our signature Deadly Trapz(tm), from the poisoned blow darts to the spike pits to the rolling boulder. yes, we can absolutely build in a delay such that anyone who tries to replace whatever's on the pedestal with something of equal weight will initially think they've succeeded, only to have things suddenly go terribly wrong. no ma'am I do not think we have the technology to deploy castrating blades for anyone carrying a whip, why do you ask?

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Feb 15, 2023 15:49

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

We currently have a promotion to add 5 free cautionary warning skulls with purchase of every trap!

# ? Feb 15, 2023 16:02

Simsmagic: im beautiful

*DO NOT STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF SPEAR TRAP. ALWAYS ENSURE TRAPS ARE UNPLUGGED, UNPOWERED, AND UNSOULED (if applicable) BEFORE SERVICING OR CLEANING. FAILURE TO ADHERE MAY RESULT IN INJURY OR DEATH. BYOB TRAP CO. IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DAMAGE DUE TO IMPROPER CARE OR MAINTENANCE*

thank you dumb sex-parrot for the wonderful sig!

# ? Feb 16, 2023 10:48

Fredrik1: Gopherslayer

Do you have vegan spikes?

# ? Feb 18, 2023 12:08

baka of lathspell

*buying my magazines*

hi do u have the latest copy of swinging axes

newsstand guy *really loudly*: yes you can get the latest copy of swinging asses

^{join dork order}
_{sig by ??? (<3 u)}

# ? Feb 22, 2023 10:17

nut

u r trying to sell them but everyone that comes into ur store dies i guess

# ? Feb 22, 2023 23:41

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# ? May 3, 2024 12:34

Plant MONSTER.: I was watching simpsons at 0.75 without knowing until a scene where homer and bart were getting back massages at a hotel and the noises they were making were super drawn out like a youtube poop

Yes, I'll have aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (fell into oubliette)

# ? Feb 23, 2023 00:13

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > attempting to sell swinging axes and spike traps