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Alright, I moved house in January - so I've been living in my new place for about two months now. It was empty for a couple of months before I got here but I still occasionally receive junk mail for previous tenants. I don't recognise any of their names even though I grew up in this town. A couple of days ago I noticed something for the first time. I walked into the living room and turned the lights on. I noticed there were some stains above the curtain rails. It looked like somebody had stuck masking tape up there and peeled it off - taking some of the paint with it. Then I noticed something else - someone had scribbled something in pencil there, I went in for a closer look. (large image)  What does that say?  What could this possibly mean? I had a couple of friends over yesterday and showed them this. They were completely freaked but at the same time they are total stoners.
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Mar 10, 2023 08:20
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| # ? May 5, 2024 11:33 |
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I'm a world famous graphologist and I can tell you one thing for certain: Whoever wrote that had terrible handwriting.
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Mar 10, 2023 08:23
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You live in a charnel house.
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Mar 10, 2023 08:24
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MelP
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Mar 10, 2023 08:33
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Das Boo posted:MelP So you think that might be an 'M'? That means it could possibly be someones initials, like Mel P - the forgotten Spice Girl.
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Mar 10, 2023 08:38
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Valko posted:So you think that might be an 'M'? That means it could possibly be someones initials, like Mel P - the forgotten Spice Girl. It's definitely suspicious. If we could link it to this graffiti I found when I moved into my apartment, we might be onto something big: 
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Mar 10, 2023 08:40
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It's a metaphor for circumcision
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Mar 10, 2023 08:45
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The webcomic, Unicorn Jelly
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Mar 10, 2023 08:48
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I have my suspicions about how it got there but telling it would not paint the decisions I have made over the past month in a positive light. Give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts and write it up.
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Mar 10, 2023 08:53
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Wash your car's windows OP.
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Mar 10, 2023 09:06
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Valko posted:I have my suspicions about how it got there but telling it would not paint the decisions I have made over the past month in a positive light. Give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts and write it up. You should let them go. If you still can..
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Mar 10, 2023 09:08
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Hyroglyphics written with the tip of a desiccated dog's dick. Ancient writing utensil, much like charcoal, the matter breaks off in particulate. I'd place it around 3rd century Ape dynasty, probably a few decades before the bastards started loving my rear end!!
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Mar 10, 2023 09:12
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Yeah sorry bro but that house is totally haunted
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Mar 10, 2023 09:18
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Okay, about a month or so after I moved in one of my friends needed a place to crash during the day. He is basically homeless, he sat on my sofa for two weeks while taking off with his girlfriend at night to sleep in either a hotel or B&B. Might be homeless but he still has plenty of money from selling weed. Like many people in the UK I have fallen on hard times in recent years. When he came to me with his offer of free weed and help paying my electric bills what did you think I was going to say? His girlfriend was having problems. I could tell by some of the things that were left behind here, strips of lyrica and diazepam. She ate like a 5 year old that was allowed to feed themselves - my cupboards are still full of Haribo gummies and other trash. I offered her a bowl of vegetable soup one night and she was aghast. She was ripping a bong every hour. At least she bought scented candles and air freshener. Tragedy struck last week. This young womans grandfather had just died in a car accident. It doesn't help that she was estranged from her parents and basically couch-surfing with her boyfriend. Apparently there was friction at the funeral - the service went on for a lot longer than expected and weed-dealer boyfriend lost out on a good bit of money. That was hardly her fault, something weed-dealer boyfriend grudgingly accepted after I told him so. Saturday rolled around and I had a conversation with her. She was talking about her grandfather and how she used to miss him, the way he would sit on the armchair with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a pack of cigs in the other. "I'm going to go out and get drunk tonight in tribute to my grandad!" Those were the last words I wanted to hear. Long story short, she spent the night in prison, broke up with her boyfriend (after telling the police he assaulted her, with no evidence) and is now living with her parents again - who I have heard are abusive evil assholes. During the two weeks she stayed here she asked me for a pen once. I didn't have one but I did have a pencil... Mystery solved?
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Mar 10, 2023 09:23
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Valko just try erasing it with a pencil eraser (very cheap at the local off license) because this will show what the pointless graffiti fairy/some person you know used to produce it.
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Mar 10, 2023 09:29
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Maybe the wall needs help
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Mar 10, 2023 09:41
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HAmbONE posted:Maybe the wall needs help Maybe I need help after what I just discovered. There was still a plastic shopping bag here with some of her stuff in it. I found a pregnancy test, one of them was missing from the pack. I think the implications of that are more disturbing than the 'HelP' graffiti. A lot of this stuff is going to have to be thrown out but I salvaged what I could.  I also found the pregnancy test. Results negative, thank God. Is... is it weird to feel this sort of relief about a pregnancy test coming out negative when there is no possible way you are the father? Is this what dads with teenage daughters feel like? I mean, girl obviously needs help and this is the last thing she is capable of dealing with.
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Mar 10, 2023 10:39
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The implication being that she had sex with her boyfriend? I think you should stop posting or thinking about this because you're getting weird about it.
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Mar 10, 2023 10:43
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Funky See Funky Do posted:The implication being that she had sex with her boyfriend? Until a few days ago she was basically homeless - and the way public services are in the UK this could have ended in tragedy. 10 years ago there was help for girls in her position but not now. THAT is what I was worried about, not consensual sex with her BF.
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Mar 10, 2023 10:47
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I feel bad for the house OP
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Mar 10, 2023 11:23
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It's not a house it's a block of four flats and it was already rowdy enough before I got here. Two of my neighbours are brothers from Poland. One of them fell seven meters on a construction site and broke his leg in three places. I was talking to that guys brother and one of my other neighbours. One of them came out with the biggest groaner: "Hey, did you hear what happened to Luca? Broke his leg in three places? I told him he needs to stay away from those three places!" I'm sorry but if I had to suffer that joke I'm making sure I'm not the only one.
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Mar 10, 2023 12:02
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That joke is the best thing in this thread, easily.
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Mar 10, 2023 12:12
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Is it true you guys drive on the wrong side of the road?
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Mar 10, 2023 12:26
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I’d like to know more about the Polish bros, they seem like a couple of characters
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Mar 10, 2023 12:41
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:I’d like to know more about the Polish bros, they seem like a couple of characters They are indeed. I wrote up a lengthy post years ago - don't remember all the details, I'll try and find it. In the meantime - There is a rumour that Luca may have jumped off the scaffold instead of falling, so he could claim compensation. It's not the first time one of them broke his leg. One of them was limping up the street one day in his crutches. He had to take a dump and couldn't make it home in time. He dropped his trousers and did it right in the car park in front of our Chapel. Speaking of Chapel, there used to be a couple of summerseats outside it. Because Mario and Luca like to drink in public they had to be removed (local alcoholics were doing it too). Didn't stop them. A policeman came along one day and told them about the £500 fine for drinking in public and pointed at the sign. "Too high. Can't read sign. Too far up." TBF, the 'no public drinking' sign was 15 feet up a lampost and quite small. They got off free. E: I found my old post. It's not quite as lengthy as I thought. Valko posted:Who are the best expats? That has got to be the Polish. Polite, Hard working, hard drinking (which makes them good customers) and hilariously funny too. Most of the women are pretty and some of my female friends have told me the men are hung like donkeys, despite not looking like much above the neck. Valko fucked around with this message at 12:55 on Mar 10, 2023 |
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Mar 10, 2023 12:52
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Valko posted:They are indeed. I wrote up a lengthy post years ago - don't remember all the details, I'll try and find it. I like these guys
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Mar 10, 2023 12:53
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I would also like more polish bros stories when you have time
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Mar 10, 2023 12:54
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Karma Comedian posted:I would also like more polish bros stories when you have time Unless I invite them over here to share, I don't really have a lot more stories. And you seen what happened the last time I invited a couple of people over... Tell you what - I'll try and make an effort post about vodka loving Hungarian Homer later - if I can remember all the details. Strangely enough - my most potentially interesting neighbour lives upstairs but I haven't met him yet. He moved to the US as a young man and made a fortune. Millionaire apparently and then he lost it all in Vegas. Then again, I probably don't want to meet him. I know a couple who lived here previously, they told me he's a bit of a perv and used to flash them in the hallway.
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Mar 10, 2023 13:06
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Valko posted:Unless I invite them over here to share, I don't really have a lot more stories. And you seen what happened the last time I invited a couple of people over... He sounds like a pretty cool perso- quote:Then again, I probably don't want to meet him. I know a couple who lived here previously, they told me he's a bit of a perv and used to flash them in the hallway. 
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Mar 10, 2023 13:11
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Disco Godfather posted:Is it true you guys drive on the wrong side of the road? Yeah. I first noticed this when I played Vice City for the first time and kept crashing because I was driving on the left. Once I got used to this I encountered the same problem playing Sleeping Dogs, because people drive on the left in Honk Kong too.
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Mar 10, 2023 13:11
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It's hobo sign for "goon inside"
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Mar 10, 2023 13:12
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Hungarian Homer. Several years back I was doing shifts in the family buisiness again, selling drinks in the off licence. I hadn't been doing that for a number of years because of that old family curse, alcoholism. A big burly guy in his work clothes comes in one night and buys a 70cl bottle of vodka. I thought nothing of this until I seen him again about an hour later. He came back in with the look of someone freshly showered and well fed with a great big grin on his face. I was standing at the counter: Valko:  Y - yes?HHomer:  One half smirnoff please!This was not unusual. Another customer, my sister and I talked about this. Yeah, he would come in and buy either a half or full bottle and sometimes he had it drunk before he walked out the door. "Haha, nice! Warms the body!" and then he would come back for more. I called him Hungarian Homer for a reason. He looked like a giant Homer Simpson. Bald, Goatee but standing about 6'4 with shoulders like bowling balls. He shared homer's comical iron constitution too. He told me a story about his younger years. "Was a soldier in Yugoslavia. Age 17. Bad time of my life. Went from house to house, looking survivors. Raided drink from all houses. Don't take, just drink right there. Go into house kitchen and find bottle of wine. Put to head... BLAGH, spit it out! Is Petrol! Burn house to ground, go back to barracks, sit on toilet for three days!" He was often sad that he couldn't find his really strong preferred spirits here. He would sometimes have bought a bottle of absinthe or legal poitín on special occasions but that stuff is expensive. What he had to say about smirnoff; "This mickey mouse drink, woman drink. Need MAN drink! Like yorkie bar! [pretends to hammer counter with imaginary chocolate bar]" He told me about some of the stuff he would drink back home, like Tatratea and other things that weren't quite legal. Pálinka is the national spirit of Hungary and the homemade stuff can be 80-90% ABV.
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Mar 10, 2023 14:40
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shut the gently caress up please
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Mar 10, 2023 16:13
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it says "help" OP 
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Mar 10, 2023 16:16
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Help the goddamn wall op
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Mar 10, 2023 16:41
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Das Boo posted:MelP i'll MelP you, hold on
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Mar 10, 2023 16:43
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"Me Ip" You bought Ip Man's house and that's his autograph.
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Mar 10, 2023 17:04
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Have you made sure no one has pooped on your roof? Kick in all of your doors to make sure they aren’t in the house.
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Mar 10, 2023 18:16
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Cobra Commander posted:Have you made sure no one has pooped on your roof? Kick in all of your doors to make sure they aren’t in the house. lol, I remember that. Been in a bit of a panic recently. My parents called not so long ago. Something is up with one of my sisters. They said they were coming in to town to make sure she was okay. They said they would call down to see me later, in about 10 minutes. My friends left enough luggage, laundry and other crap here to make it look like they were packing for a 2 week holiday. Cue a mad scramble to hide everything. 3 bongs and a monopoly set behind the sofa, various feminine products lying about, 3 carryalls full of clothes under the spare bed. 4 pairs of shoes far too small for me. My parents came and didn't notice anything out of order. My dad went into the bathroom and I suddenly remembered there is more than one toothbrush in there. Parents both in the kitchen and noticing some things I normally wouldn't use. I grabbed 3 cans of Sure Body Spray and a Grapefruit Facewash and stuck them in a plastic bag and handed it to my mother. "Would you use this? Do you think any of the girls would?" (3 sisters) "What is it, what are you doing with Sure for Women, and moisturizer?" "She doesn't want to see me again, that's all I have to say about it." "Did she drink too much?" "No, I drank too much  ."My parents know my history and nodded knowingly. Chatted another while and then they left. Good save, I think. Oh, and another thing. If anyone is wondering why these posts are long winded and rambling it's because they left a lot of sachets of coffee behind. I forgot that I have been on decaff for almost five years and it's having a worse effect than any controlled substances they might have left here.
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Mar 10, 2023 20:10
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You know you don't have to let your parents barge into your home, you're a grown rear end goon lol
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Mar 10, 2023 20:52
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