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Computer viruses used to be so omnipresent. Sometimes you'd find your grandparents' computer totally caked with a ton of system slowing crap or maybe you went on a search for  and came back with only a system destroying mindfuck of a program. The most significant was a rogue posing as Windows Defender that my parents got on their Vista laptop. That bastard totally locked down the system and refused to let any program run until you forked over your credit card info and "bought the full version." I got the computer usable again after finding where the offending exe was and deleting it, but never managed to fully get that Windows install back to normal. You guys have any cool virus memories?
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Aug 13, 2023 07:35
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| # ? May 12, 2024 15:15 |
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Good news, your parents' computer is still chock full of viruses! They're just less inclined to impede daily function and more likely to be connected to an op of the Russian, US, or Chinese state where they participate in DDOS attacks against external assets or send spam emails without substantially degrading performance so that nobody notices the device isn't working correctly.
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Aug 13, 2023 08:05
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i have two 5 1/4" floppy discs from the late 80s stashed away, one infected with Stoned and one infected with Brain (?), that i found in my dead grandpa's belongings forever ago and kept because i was a dork teenager who thought viruses were awesome someday those discs will be worth millions
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Aug 13, 2023 08:24
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many a school night in high school spent clowning on people with backorifice
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Aug 13, 2023 08:27
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the modern day computer virus is written in ideology not assembly *sniffs farts*
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Aug 13, 2023 08:28
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I have fonder memories of the cracked installer music more than the games (rip dusty 256 mb hard drive)
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Aug 13, 2023 08:56
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Gravid Topiary posted:the modern day computer virus is written in ideology not assembly *sniffs farts* Yeah nowadays it's all worms linking to bitcoin miners or russian hacker site, back when it wasn't about the money. *Looks for my Ping-pong 84' world tour shirt*
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Aug 13, 2023 09:26
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quote:; *** NOT FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION *** The Stoned Virus
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Aug 13, 2023 09:36
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Remembering Late nights reading the Symantec Antivirus Research Center website, looking for viruses that make the computer do strange and goofy things.
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Aug 13, 2023 09:46
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By popular demand posted:Remembering Late nights reading the Symantec Antivirus Research Center website, looking for viruses that make the computer do strange and goofy things. I read the Malwarebytes blog for a bit. They had a couple good posts when ransomware was the new hotness.
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Aug 13, 2023 09:49
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You remember the dumb rumors people used to have about insane viruses that will explode your computer?
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Aug 13, 2023 09:56
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Back in the old days it was often just random vandalism with no particular goal. Back in the early 2000s I had either Lovsan or Sasser. They had found a way to infect random computers without the user having to do anything, and all they did was try to keep shutting down your computer because gently caress you.
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Aug 13, 2023 10:03
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By popular demand posted:Remembering Late nights reading the Symantec Antivirus Research Center website, looking for viruses that make the computer do strange and goofy things. I remember browsing the offline macafee one at some point and seeing crazy stuff like Yankee doodle, which played Yankee doodle on the system speaker at like 4 specific times of the day. Brilliant!
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Aug 13, 2023 10:05
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Back in 1999 a goon on this forum wrote a self-spreading virus in VB 6. This damned virus made its way around my high school via disks containing an image viewer and several suggestively named .jpg files. The payload was a (very) randomly occurring dialogue box which asked "Are you happy?" and offered a "Yes" and a "No" button to choose from. Whichever button you clicked, you got a fresh look at the ol' catcher's mitt of Kirk Johnson (most people hadn't heard of goatse.cx yet.. I think this was the same year goatman debuted?) Due to a misunderstanding of how the Windows 98 GetTickCount() API worked, the logic which triggered surprise goatman interactions was seriously flawed - the virus was super quirky and hard to predict; you might be infected for weeks before seeing your first dialogue pop up, or you could get nagged with a barrage of dialogues every few minutes. This wasn't so bad, because it kept the virus from being traced back to the author, as infected users rarely saw Kirk's giblets too soon after first using the disk and infecting themselves, making it seem like the virus came from something they had more recently installed. Anyway, the author got spooked and quit distributing disks with the virus after someone infected the entire library computer lab with it. (The author spent a few lunch breaks cleaning each computer in the lab to prevent backlash.) Since Windows 98 was such a piece of poo poo, home computers were typically formatted and reinstalled with a fresh image routinely, so it didn't take long for the virus to die out in the wild. However, during the fall of that year, the class yearbook was released with a big surprise -- a DVD containing various video clips of memorable school events from throughout the year and a tribute to a kid who died while cleaning his hunting rifle. And as it turns out, the media lab computer used to prepare the master disc image that went out to be pressed for the yearbook DVDs was infected, leading to pressings that spread the virus when viewed. Long story short, anybody from my high school revisiting their yearbook DVD from 1999 *to this day* will be infected by the Kirk Johnson Happiness virus, because it was small enough to fly under the radar and no heuristic database is going to bother with keeping a hash of the file nearly 25 years later. As long as MSVBVM60.DLL is shipped with Windows, this virus will run and thrive. GRECOROMANGRABASS fucked around with this message at 11:53 on Aug 13, 2023 |
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Aug 13, 2023 11:47
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Visual Basic: Not even once.
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Aug 13, 2023 11:59
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Hell I had a keygen in a rar file sitting on my desktop for years - then a month or two ago MS Defender threw up a warning it was a trojan. Like, why did you first figure this out now??
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Aug 13, 2023 12:44
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Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:Hell I had a keygen in a rar file sitting on my desktop for years - then a month or two ago MS Defender threw up a warning it was a trojan. Like, why did you first figure this out now?? You sure it found a trojan and not a PUP?
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Aug 13, 2023 12:48
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*downloads cool screensaver
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Aug 13, 2023 12:49
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I'm pretty sure "Bonzi Buddy" is a safe program
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Aug 13, 2023 12:52
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GRECOROMANGRABASS posted:... Long story short, anybody from my high school revisiting their yearbook DVD from 1999 *to this day* will be infected by the Kirk Johnson Happiness virus, because it was small enough to fly under the radar and no heuristic database is going to bother with keeping a hash of the file nearly 25 years later. As long as MSVBVM60.DLL is shipped with Windows, this virus will run and thrive. The gift that keeps on giving.
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Aug 13, 2023 13:21
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The day a virus hit our office, and the asshat who ruined our entire day. So working IT back in early 2000s for local town council. It has 6 external sites, one main one with 100 computers, the other sites less than 30 max each but upto a dozen miles away. I was in the main site, and needed for this story Mrs Asshat was in site A. One day a zero day virus hits, thankfully it just made the printers sprout gibberish constantly and stalled your screen. Nothing harmful otherwise. But we have several printers per department, and major ones like for printing out wage slips, so that was a prio. It started by the phones ringing at 10am, saying their printers were printing constantly. We checked the nearest, saw it was gibberish, and shut it down. Our network anti-virus contact contacted us at the same time, saying there was a new zero day, and they are working on it. They will send something to us before lunch. So we contact every site, telling them to shut down EVERY computer, once we get the fix to remove it we will be around to fix it. Shortly later we got the fix, one that had to be manually loaded to the computer, so burned it to multiple CDs, and were told for it to work had to disconnect the computer from the network, run the fix, then connect it back, all done. There were three of us in IT, we took a site each. But not site A. I was assigned to the main site as I didn't drive. Disinfected about 40 or so computers, then BAM! All previous infected again. Phone every site to tell them not to open any computer until we get to them. Start again, disinfect 20, BAM! all infected again. Now its lunch time, and we don't take it as we need certain computers up and running, like wage slip printing as I said. All this time we had someone from another office cover our phone calls. And when we returned to the office after the third or fourth reinfection to talk what to do we were told Mrs Asshat had been contacting us every 20 minutes. Her site was only a mile away, and we didn't go to it yet, so I said I would go up and see what she wanted. Walked there, and shes not there. So I disinfect the site. Mrs Asshat comes back from lunch, and chews me out for not fixing this sooner. Me no lunch, nothing. So the rest of the day goes smooth, all computers cleaned and no sign of the virus. And we finally get the proper update for our anti-virus. We went looking for the source, and it was Mrs Asshat. She opened some phishing mail and its attachment and that was the source. Not only that, she was going to meet a friend for lunch, and the friend had sent her the time and place by email. So she turned on her computer multiple times, when we said not to (she was the one we phoned to tell the rest of the site ffs), to get the mail, but couldn't read it due to the virus spamming it up. So this witch was the bane of our day, causing a two-three hour job into a full day one with no food. She got reprimanded, the other two IT I worked with refused to talk to her after no matter what the gently caress it was.
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Aug 13, 2023 13:40
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Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please Really wanna give you a warning 'Cause I found out this morning About a dangerous, insidious computer virus If you should get an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese' Better not go taking your chances Under no circumstances, should you open it Or else it will Translate your documents into Swahili Make your TV record "Gigli" Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling (Look out!) It's gonna make your computer screen freeze (Look out!) Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs (Look out!) Erase your hard drive and your backups too And the hard drive of anyone related to you Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls It'll make your keyboard all sticky Give your poodle a hickey And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney Then, it will tie up your phone, making crank long-distance calls It'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower So just trash it now, or else it will Decide to give you a permanent wedgie, Legally change your name to Reggie, Even mess up the pH balance in your pool It's gonna melt your face right off your skull (Look out!) And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull (Look out!) And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep (Look out!) And make you physically attracted to sheep (Look out!) Steal your identity and your credit cards (Look out!) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards (Look out!) Then cause a major rift in time and space And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place That's right it's a Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody Warn all your friends, send this to everybody Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody Delete immediately before someone gets hurt! Forward this message on to everybody Warn all your friends, send this to everybody Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now What are you waiting for' Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know! Hit send right now! 
Treecko fucked around with this message at 14:42 on Aug 13, 2023 |
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Aug 13, 2023 14:30
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When I was in high school I went on one of the shared computers and checked my school email. I got an email from one of my teachers that said "I love you" in the subject. I was confused, so I opened it and clicked on the attachment and lol the entire network got nuked as everyone else clicked on the attachment from random teachers as well It kinda ruled. It was a smart way to get people to open up the virus attachment
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Aug 13, 2023 14:35
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1secondpersecond posted:Good news, your parents' computer is still chock full of viruses! They're just less inclined to impede daily function and more likely to be connected to an op of the Russian, US, or Chinese state where they participate in DDOS attacks against external assets or send spam emails without substantially degrading performance so that nobody notices the device isn't working correctly. so is your smart toaster and fridge 
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Aug 13, 2023 14:37
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I've never felt as incredibly hacker/l33t/cool as when I was 14, staying up late, tracking down infected DLLs and then playing rollercoaster tycoon until the sun came up
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Aug 13, 2023 14:48
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Seth Pecksniff posted:When I was in high school I went on one of the shared computers and checked my school email. I got an email from one of my teachers that said "I love you" in the subject. I was confused, so I opened it and clicked on the attachment and lol the entire network got nuked as everyone else clicked on the attachment from random teachers as well 
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Aug 13, 2023 14:49
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I went to a small charter high school in 9th grade the year it was founded in 2000, and there was a guy with Down syndrome there. One day the math teacher/IT guy was out and dude convinced his teachers to let him use the computer that guy used as the image server for his work that day. Coming in early to install UT99 and LAN was an experience as all of the 2000-era porn popups happened on like 20 computers at once. I went to the 10 year reunion and saw dude, asked him if he did that on purpose. He laughed really hard.
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Aug 13, 2023 14:50
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snergle posted:so is your smart toaster and fridge My fridge got hacked!
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Aug 13, 2023 14:50
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrEdbKwivCI
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Aug 13, 2023 15:00
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I remember playing counter strike one evening when all of a sudden the game minimised and a chat box appeared on my screen, asking how I was by name. At first I was annoyed as I was in the middle of a game then I realised that I didn't recognise the chat window or knew how the person knew my name. He then proceeded to open and close my cd tray. I poo poo a brick. But he said that he wasn't going to do anything to my computer and was just browsing infected people's computers for CP and would gently caress those up if he found it.
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Aug 13, 2023 15:18
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Remember when .exe was commonly called a program rather than an application. Now everything's an "app" which is just an excuse to remove previous functionalities.
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Aug 13, 2023 15:38
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I've told this before but: One time I got paid $50 to fix my dad's coworker's laptop because it was practically unusable with the amount of viruses he had. The fixes themselves were pretty simple, it only took a couple hours of scrubbing with the usual antivirus software and most of that was just sitting around waiting for the scans. However, since a lot of the malware was in browser toolbars, that meant I got to see that the coworker had a whole bunch of bookmarks to videos about "BARELY LEGAL COLLEGE PORN XXX" and "OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE COVER-UP", giving me more knowledge about his hobbies than I ever wanted to know. I was tempted to wipe all his bookmarks out and pretend the virus did that, but I didn't wanna jeopardize the $50 and just stuck to the job. Several years later the same guy got himself on the no-fly list because he was at the Bundy ranch standoff  Also years before even that I had a virus that kept popping up with a yes/no dialogue box and would pop up again if I hit no. The smart thing to do would've been to shut the computer down but I was young and stubborn and didn't want to interrupt whatever dumb anime fanfiction I was reading at the time so eventually I hit yes to see if something different happened. Cue the computer shutting down and becoming unbootable. After that I wisened up and started using adblockers and more aggressive antiviruses. MiracleFlare fucked around with this message at 15:59 on Aug 13, 2023 |
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Aug 13, 2023 15:56
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MiracleFlare posted:I've told this before but: One time I got paid $50 to fix my dad's coworker's laptop because it was practically unusable with the amount of viruses he had. The fixes themselves were pretty simple, it only took a couple hours of scrubbing with the usual antivirus software and most of that was just sitting around waiting for the scans. However, since a lot of the malware was in browser toolbars, that meant I got to see that the coworker had a whole bunch of bookmarks to videos about "BARELY LEGAL COLLEGE PORN XXX" and "OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE COVER-UP", giving me more knowledge about his hobbies than I ever wanted to know. I was tempted to wipe all his bookmarks out and pretend the virus did that, but I didn't wanna jeopardize the $50 and just stuck to the job. Several years later the same guy got himself on the no-fly list because he was at the Bundy ranch standoff Likelihood of having attended January 6: 100%
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Aug 13, 2023 15:58
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lol what do you mean 'remember'? i had a student return a chromebook six months ago that was bolstering some terrible alert that all her details were forfeit and she was hosed--virus programmers are still alive and well
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Aug 13, 2023 15:58
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Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:Hell I had a keygen in a rar file sitting on my desktop for years - then a month or two ago MS Defender threw up a warning it was a trojan. Like, why did you first figure this out now??
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Aug 13, 2023 16:02
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Yeah, I've noticed Windows Security getting antsy about lately, even ones I've had for over a decade and have been lugging around with every hard drive transfer without remembering what's on there. Half the time I get rid of it anyway because I can't remember the source / wasn't going to use it againDokapon Findom posted:Likelihood of having attended January 6: 100% The only thing that might've stopped him is that I don't think he could afford a cross-country road trip, not that that's enough of a deterrent for some chuds. I'm sure he was there in spirit though (possibly literally, dude suddenly stopped answering his former coworkers' attempts to contact him so he might be dead)
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Aug 13, 2023 16:12
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I got a ransomware virus once for looking at nakey pics when I was younger on gods know what sketchy site. They locked up my computer with a timer on screen saying something like, "this is illegal the FBI is coming to arrest you in 24hrs unless you pay the fine".  at thatAll I had to do was disconnect the internet and reset the computer a few times with some scans.
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Aug 13, 2023 16:18
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MrQwerty posted:many a school night in high school spent clowning on people with backorifice Port 31337 
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Aug 13, 2023 16:25
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MrQwerty posted:I'm pretty sure "Bonzi Buddy" is a safe program  i miss that guy
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Aug 13, 2023 16:31
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| # ? May 12, 2024 15:15 |
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Gravid Topiary posted:i have two 5 1/4" floppy discs from the late 80s stashed away, one infected with Stoned and one infected with Brain (?), that i found in my dead grandpa's belongings forever ago and kept because i was a dork teenager who thought viruses were awesome This is like how they keep a sample of smallpox alive in a vault somewhere
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Aug 13, 2023 16:41
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