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Some of the criteria for electing president include, "Would they have a beer with you?" and, "Would they even piss on you if you were on fire?" but the real interesting version of this is, "Do you trust this person to save you if you were choking alone with them in a room?" It's a hypothetical that doesn't communicate as much moral fortitude as you think, as I'll prove with some early examples, but it's nonetheless insightful on someone's physical acumen, baseline competence, and general self-image. So let's get it out of the way, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg, despite both being rat bastards, would 100% save you. They have been training for this their whole life, it's why they got swole, so some random person would choke on a halibut bone and they could rush in and get their free PR. So, as you see, not a great moral indicator. They would, to be fair, not razz you too hard on choking, would just ask for a quick selfie with you, you know, to put on their website. It's not the most gratifying interaction, but hey, you're alive. (Note: Elon Musk would try but also fail to save you because he's a gently caress-up.) So let's get to the politician part of this, the real meat of the analysis: Donald Trump would not try to save you. It's not personal, he just, as he'd say, would be afraid of a lawsuit. He'd try to call for someone to help you, but he's not giving you the Heimlich. The real unstated reason is that Trump is morbidly afraid of death or any sign of infirmity, so even touching someone in distress gives him the willies. But, at his rally, he'd say, "Folks, couldn't help him. Lawsuits. Lawyers. Can't save people anymore. Sad!" Moving on, Joe Biden would try to save you, but also would gently caress up and kill you. I don't mean fail to save you, I don't mean fail to perform a successful Heimlich, I mean he'd actually find a way to choke you himself. He'd crush your larynx somehow through some dementia-ridden way of giving you CPR. Afterwards, he'd lie his rear end off about, "I looked into their eyes, man, but they didn't want it enough," and then make the story about himself, then Beau, then back to himself again. Let's shift down into the vice-presidency. Kamala Harris would sorta try to save you, but it'd mostly be... trying to coach you? Back into breathing, like, she's going to talk you into dislodging the obstruction yourself. And she'd be frantically moving her arms around you, but not really in a Heimlich position, and it's completely unclear what she's trying to do, like she's mimicking something she saw in the movie. You will die, by the way, that's just a given. Let's look at some of the alternatives. RFK Jr. has crackhead energy, and I feel like those people put themselves in enough danger that they develop a natural sense of what to do, so he would try to save you and succeed with little issue. Feel like Hunter Biden would be a very similar scenario, but with both, they are going to hit you up later for some drug money, and they'll totally bring up that they saved you that one time, you know, so you owe them. You owe them now. I like Jill Stein but let's be real, she's a frail lady who could blow away in a stiff wind so she would try but it's 50/50 on whether she succeeds on saving your or not. Just not sure she has the elbow grease for it. Cornel West would just go and save you, no problem. Would say, "Nearly lost you there, brother," after it's over. Before getting too excited, this is also how it would go with Mitt Romney. Again, it's less a moral test than an entirely different metric. Last one for a bit, but Time Kaine in the Membrane absolutely would go and save you because that seems to be naturally-included perk to being born a weird mayo person with no personality, you just end up in newspapers for saving a random person from gagging to death on a drumstick.
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Nov 15, 2023 17:50
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LBJ would choke you with Jumbo.
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Nov 16, 2023 04:18
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which of them would agree to choke you and which would want you to choke them and why
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Nov 16, 2023 04:22
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Doug Bergum would save you, and then while you were pulling yourself back together he would tell you about all the other times he's saved people from choking on chicken bones and gee willikers this was already a running gag with his friends but now it's getting ridiculous.
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Nov 16, 2023 04:32
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Time Kaine
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Nov 16, 2023 07:24
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Jill Stein is a physician, I think she could do the Heimlich
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Nov 16, 2023 07:27
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Robby Mook would watch you choke.
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Nov 16, 2023 07:54
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Pete buttigieg would just stare with dead eyes klob would get annoyed and disgusted at first but once it looked like you were actually life threatening level of choking she’d panic and try to help but by like weakly punching your back, making you die even less comfortably but little else. Jeb would try to save you, cause that’s what pops would have done, honest. unfortunately jeb has never learned a single skill in his life and you would die, surrounded by the off-citrus smell of aimless wealth. as you started to lose consciousness you’d wonder if Bloomberg has even seen you. he has.
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Nov 16, 2023 08:05
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Would OBL save you
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Nov 16, 2023 08:14
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Stairmaster posted:Would OBL save you Probably not. Best Friends posted:Pete buttigieg would just stare with dead eyes I think your Buttigieg example is closer to Mitch McConnell who, if you've ever done anything to slightly aggrieve him, like, so little as not hold the door open for him, he will not save you will just look at you with his stupid guppy eyes as you suffocate, and that's your last haunting vision. Think you're about right with Klob. Jeb would succeed. Pete Buttigieg is weird because as a Zuckerberg acolyte, he has trained his entire life for this, but I also just have a hard reading a headline of, "Mayor Butt Saves Choking Person." So, he would try and fail, then do a press conference where he'd just say, "There was nothing I could do," way too many times, like a machine on a loop. Hillary Clinton much like Trump would not save you, but would probably toss in some of the Kamala mannerisms of pantomiming helping you, but not for too long, because she really doesn't want to interact with the poors.
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Nov 16, 2023 16:45
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Hillary would stand next to you shouting "HE'S CHOKING!" without actually doing anything to help. Maybe like try to smack you on the lower back or something, at most
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Nov 16, 2023 17:01
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AOC would try to save you but then Pelosi would make her cry and vote "present."
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Nov 16, 2023 19:02
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Bernie Sanders would save you but not if you are a woman. Bernie Sanders ftw
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Nov 16, 2023 19:59
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spacemang_spliff posted:Bernie Sanders would save you but not if you are a woman.
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Nov 16, 2023 20:01
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would you save OP from choking
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Nov 16, 2023 20:15
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Which of the founding fathers would save you from choking? My working theory is that none of the southern ones would lift a finger to help but all of the new englanders would save you. Adams would complain about it afterwards, though.
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Nov 16, 2023 20:18
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You're missing an important criteria, would they know how to save you? I doubt a single person on that list knows the heimlich
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Nov 16, 2023 20:20
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Gumball Gumption posted:You're missing an important criteria, would they know how to save you? I doubt a single person on that list knows the heimlich I think my theory holds both giving them ahistorical knowledge of the heimlich maneuver or just letting them employ whatever 18th centry powdered wig based solution to choking they had available to them.
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Nov 16, 2023 20:23
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Weembles posted:Which of the founding fathers would save you from choking? franklin would, but as a pyschosexual game and only if you were english and not a swarthy swede or german or some other dark-skinned non-anglo
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Nov 16, 2023 20:57
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Weembles posted:I think my theory holds both giving them ahistorical knowledge of the heimlich maneuver or just letting them employ whatever 18th centry powdered wig based solution to choking they had available to them. Yeah but I don't think I want to vote for someone who doesn't know how to do it
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Nov 16, 2023 21:00
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Weembles posted:I think my theory holds both giving them ahistorical knowledge of the heimlich maneuver or just letting them employ whatever 18th centry powdered wig based solution to choking they had available to them. George Washington winds up and punches you right in the gut with all the evil strength an 18th century bastard can muster.
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Nov 16, 2023 21:05
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Greg Abbott would move to block others from helping you, until they publicly support giving government funds to other people who are already paying for dedicated Heimlich service.
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Nov 16, 2023 21:26
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while that may be true, it is also true that greg abbott is physically incapable of delivering the heimlich to an adult
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Nov 16, 2023 21:32
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Eat This Glob posted:franklin would, but as a pyschosexual game and only if you were english and not a swarthy swede or german or some other dark-skinned non-anglo was gonna say franklin would find "heimlich" to be a swarthy germanic name
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Nov 16, 2023 21:32
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Weembles posted:Which of the founding fathers would save you from choking? george washington would save childeren, but not british children
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Nov 16, 2023 21:34
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i think pretty much all of them would be rifling through your pockets before you hit the floor but I'd really like to see bloomberg try to do the heimlich
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Nov 16, 2023 21:38
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Michael Bloomberg not only would not save you from choking, he will derive sexual pleasure from watching you die.
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Nov 16, 2023 21:55
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Brain Candy posted:george washington would save childeren, but not british children i appreciate the reference and wanted you to know
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Nov 16, 2023 23:02
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need some takes on Bill Clinton and Obama
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Nov 17, 2023 00:41
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Vox Nihili posted:need some takes on Bill Clinton and Obama Barack Obama would only save you if he were reasonably sure there was absolutely no one in the area other than him who could possibly save you, then sighing he would do it. But only if there is absolutely no one, and I do mean no one, who he could paw it off to instead. Bill Clinton would also save you, but the way he would do it would be... kinda sexual? Weirdly? And he'd grin afterwards and keep bringing it up at dinners in this weird suggestive way as if it was more than just him saving you from choking, like it's code for something. Also, throwing in a take on Mike Pence who would save you, but afterwards bitch about whatever you were doing that got yourself choking to begin with and whine about how much of an inconvenience it was for him to save you and in general be such an insufferable rear end about it that you kinda wished you'd died instead rather than put up with your life's continued existence being contingent on this absolutely unpleasant fucker.
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Nov 17, 2023 21:43
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Second Hand Meat Mouth posted:Time Kaine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBNuPyjUU3o
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Nov 17, 2023 21:57
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bill clinton would not save you because he was not around (he was on the lolita express)
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Nov 17, 2023 22:56
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Id save you all from choking
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Nov 17, 2023 23:09
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Fidel Castro would immediately attempt to save you, but as he tries to perform the Heimlich maneuver, his cigar falls out of his mouth. This cigar has a cartoon stick of dynamite in it placed by a CIA asset, and it proceeds to explode in such a manner that you and only you instantly die.
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Nov 17, 2023 23:29
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The Rock is not a politician (yet?) but he would absolutely save you and you'd get to take a picture with him afterwards. I don't know why, but I'm not certain Arnold would. edit: Probably Magic posted:Let's shift down into the vice-presidency. Kamala Harris would sorta try to save you, but it'd mostly be... trying to coach you? Back into breathing, like, she's going to talk you into dislodging the obstruction yourself. And she'd be frantically moving her arms around you, but not really in a Heimlich position, and it's completely unclear what she's trying to do, like she's mimicking something she saw in the movie. You will die, by the way, that's just a given. This is exactly how it would go down. I think you nailed it. Greg Legg has issued a correction as of 23:44 on Nov 17, 2023 |
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Nov 17, 2023 23:40
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I think hitler probably wouldn't try to save you don't know why just seems kinda mean
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Nov 18, 2023 08:37
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Greg Legg posted:I don't know why, but I'm not certain Arnold would.
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Nov 18, 2023 20:11
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I'm surprised no one has mentioned the possibility that some of these people would save you solely to stop you making annoying choking sounds.
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Nov 18, 2023 20:29
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nice obelisk idiot posted:This dysphagic girly man has underdeveloped deglutitive strength. One of the first things that my trainers taught me. I saw John Wayne's Adam's apple and I said, "That is what I want! That is who I want to be!"
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Nov 19, 2023 02:30
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keir starmer giving an interview explaining that the pretzel chunk has a right to cut off the air supply to your lungs while you stagger around in the background making desperate little noises and crashing into furniture. by the time he's sacked everyone who attempted back slaps and clarified his support for an oxygenation pause, rigor mortis has set in
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Nov 19, 2023 14:49
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