"Due to high call volumes we are unable to take your call at this time"

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > "Due to high call volumes we are unable to take your call at this time"

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flubber nuts: Oct 5, 2005

Internetjack posted:

"Have you shed any large loads lately?"

lol. i mostly sell boner pills to michael so im sure i could work this in eventually.

my favorite interaction so far was michael asking 'how much are the hardmans?'. great question michael!

# ? Feb 1, 2024 23:45

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# ? May 10, 2024 19:07

Farmer Crack-Ass: Jan 2, 2001; this is me posting irl

i remember i used to work IT at a shithole company that for years had made its money by being scummy and then when it was getting harder to duck their well-earned reputation for being shitheads they decided* they'd make more money by actually providing useful services in exchange for money. they also decided that because of this, they just weren't going to need as many people working retention on callers looking to cancel their accounts any more. like, as of immediately.

"we changed our company name, we're Doing It Right now, we're slashing the retention staff! alex, who are our lowest-performing people in retention?"
"uhhhh i don't know off the top of my head, i'll have to go run a report"
"well we gotta know real quick! it's almost the end of the day, they're going to leave soon!"

the owner literally figured they were going to just immediately can a third of the team right after the meeting. which was happening at like 3:30 pm on a friday. the head of customer service/retention was caught completely off-guard and obviously unhappy.

"uh, some of those people are probably already home by now, since we have an early shift and a late shift."
"oh. okay. well, get it done soon, we're definitely not going to need them any more."

and the following week several people lost their jobs.

one day a couple weeks later i got a call from the architect of this master plan. the "director of business development". ben.

"hey how come the wait time is so high for the retention queue?"
"uhh... well, it looks like we've got a bunch of calls waiting in queue right now."
"okay, but why would that be?"

and at this point it was screamingly obvious that ben was really hoping i'd say something like "oh, shoot! our phone system's acting up!" or offer some other technical excuse he could get out of trouble with. and i was tempted to say "well, when you cut a third of the retention staff and continue to receive the same number of calls, wait times will go up" but i knew ben was the owner's current favorite and i really did not want a call from that rear end in a top hat, so i deflected.

"y'know, that's... not really an IT question. i think alex would be better able to answer that. you should give him a call"
"oh, okay. thanks."

and then i ducked my head into alex's office to let him know to expect a call about that. i think he appreciated the opportunity to dunk on ben a bit.

*later they decided this was too hard and they would just go back to their scummy old ways

anyway, i'm glad i don't work there any more and that that place is out of business. it was a horrible place and very unhealthy both mentally and physically (i started drinking in the office and put on a huge amount of weight, which i fortunately was able to lose) but i do have to admit i got some good experience out of it.

# ? Feb 2, 2024 00:32

kntfkr: Feb 11, 2019; GOOSE FUCKER

DUE TO HIGH BALL VOLUME, IM GONNA PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

# ? Feb 2, 2024 01:26

Zero VGS: Aug 16, 2002; ASK ME ABOUT HOW HUMAN LIVES THAT MADE VIDEO GAME CONTROLLERS ARE WORTH MORE; Lipstick Apathy

One time I kept getting harassing calls from a bill collector calling our startup over some BS thing we didn't really owe money for.

I reprogrammed the IVR so that if his number specifically called, he would go to a special hold queue that would slowly increment his place in line over many hours but never progress past "1 caller ahead of you". I could check and see how much time he was wasting and lol

# ? Feb 2, 2024 02:40

kazr: Jan 28, 2005

Zero VGS posted:

One time I kept getting harassing calls from a bill collector calling our startup over some BS thing we didn't really owe money for.

I reprogrammed the IVR so that if his number specifically called, he would go to a special hold queue that would slowly increment his place in line over many hours but never progress past "1 caller ahead of you". I could check and see how much time he was wasting and lol

# ? Feb 2, 2024 02:57

cumpantry: Dec 18, 2020

kntfkr posted:

DUE TO HIGH BALL VOLUME, IM GONNA PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Due to high ball volume we are unable to take your piss at this time. Goodbye

# ? Feb 2, 2024 03:05

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Dixville posted:

No option to wait.

No option to leave a message.

Just, we can't help you bye.

gently caress you covered California.

Lmfao had to deal with this with EDD when they hosed up my paternity leave money last year.

Call at 7:59 "Our offices are closed please call during business hours"

Call at 8:00 "Due to high volume..."

Of course they had no issue with sending me threatening letters though lol

# ? Feb 2, 2024 16:15