Mechanical Pencil posted:

Hangry and the Healthy Plums

Chinatown posted:

suck my balls
eat my dick
hurry up
i need to poo poo

DeeplyConcerned posted:

You've obviously never met "bad kitty"

Panic! At The Tesco posted:

this thread is dying on the vine,
im glad it's not a thread of mine,
what follows soon shall come to pass,
voted 1 ban OP and

YeahTubaMike posted:

YeahTubaMike posted:

BAD WILLIE posted:

Alright. I was at the mall today and saw this kid I knew from my highschool hanging out with some fly girl and handling her rear end and all that poo poo. He was walking with a swagger, trying to look all hard and everything. But he was a LITTLE BITCH back in HS and wasn't hard at all, EVERYONE would pick on him. So I walked up and told her, "why are you loving with him, he's a god drat PUSSY and isn't hard at all."

The moral of this story, well...there isn't one. But it gets me loving pissed when people who have no right to act hard are acting all hard.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Dignity Van Houten posted:

Thanks for the deal! Unfortunately I don't have a fireplace so I'll have to burn it on my charcoal grill. I'll update the thread later if it's too fragrant for my small apartment (500 square feet)

Dignity Van Houten posted:

update from hospital. Burning charcoal indoor releases enough carbon dioxide to kill you. Paramedics said my downstairs neighbor saved my life when she came up to check on me. after smelling smoke and hearing me collapse. No word if kfc log worked or not.

Shumagorath posted:

the army of agent Smiths except instead of a titanic fight scene they, one at a time, hand Neo ten bucks and loudly insist they're not a pedophile before being squashed by the Monty Python foot

Karma Comedian posted:

This threads going places

Sheng-Ji Yang posted:

roasted by grandpa after a friendly shootout smh

Space Jam posted:

you haven't lived until you've run buck naked through a forest, being one with nature, turgid penis swinging with the freedom with which you were born, sneaking up on that deer and breaking its dumb loving neck before running off into the underbrush to avoid the park rangers

bossy lady posted:

bossy lady posted:

shame on an IGA posted:

So last night I was having a nice sexy dream about being ridden cowgirl style and delivering some savage rear end smacks and then I woke up mid-swing and slapped the poo poo out of my nuts IRL

Moneypenny posted:

Have I got a story for this thread.

In high school I worked at a family owned CEC ripoff called Happy Tymes. The mascot was a scary, generic cross between the Syracuse Orangeman and a McDonald's FryGuy. I have reproduced this mascot, named "HT", for you using the wonders of MSPaint:



Okay, so my job was to host the birthday parties and poo poo. The suit was built for someone at least 5'8 or 5'9 to wear, and it was HEAVY as gently caress. So usually, the high school guys I worked with got stuck with the job of wearing the suit. One slow weeknight, the owner thought it would be HI-larious to put ME in HT. Now, I was 16, 5'0" and about 115 lbs. There was no way I could move around in this stupid thing. I thought owner was kidding and said brightly, "Ha. Ha!" in response to his funny joke. But no, he ordered me to get in the costume on pain of toilet scrubbing duty.

So I put on this sweaty, nasty styrofoam mess with the help of two guys who were laughing their asses off. It's so big on me that I can't see through the eyeholes, and the bottom of the body/head reaches below the knees. This means I can't move unless I shuffle the HUGE feet of the costume very, very slowly. I'm blind and almost completely helpless. The guys lead me out onto the floor, and WHO SHOULD APPEAR but a group of punk 14 year olds. Within minutes, I was swarmed and buffetted from all sides. They tried everything they could to knock me over, but the costume was too wide and round. (Picture my coworkers falling down laughing in the background.) Finally, they ripped off the huge styrofoam arm of HT and started beating me with it, at which point I just started screaming profanity. The owner (fuckass) was laughing too hard to hear exactly what I was screaming. I got a .50 raise while he was trying to get me not to quit on the spot.

bossy lady posted:

Dick Fontaine posted:

YeahTubaMike posted:

Dick Fontaine posted:

Dick Fontaine posted:

bossy lady posted:

coldpudding posted:

https://forums.somethingawful.com/dictionary.php?act=3&topicid=2798

RickRogers posted:

Time to service your cat

Toxic Mental posted:

isaboo posted:

I'm posting this at Harvey's request.

This may get some hate, I don't know, but gently caress the haters.



I'm the voice of forums poster harveys zoo zoos.



I've known the real "Harvey" since I was 12 and he was 10 years old. His family moved away after his real Dad died, but we stayed in touch and would visit each other during our summer breaks from school. I wrote to him while he was incarcerated and visited when I could.

The crime he committed was similar to the one described in this thread - a murder done to avenge someone very close to him who suffered a great deal at the hands of someone the victim trusted. So in that respect, if you feel the murder of 'Harvey's' stepdad was justified, I can assure you that you'd find the real crime justified as well. He got the same kind of sentence described here, too.

When he was released he had a rough time. The halfway house he went to wasn't a good environment for him and made his attempt at integration back into society even more difficult than it would have been otherwise. We reconnected and I went to visit him at his mother's home.

There, he told me many of the same things that are in this thread and some things that aren't. I asked him a million questions about his life inside and he always answered truthfully and fully. His story is amazing and I asked him how he felt about sharing it. At first, we thought about me writing a fictional account of it based on his experiences. But, as some of you may be aware from the stories I've posted in GBS, I'm not a good writer. So, we thought of something else.

He's fascinated by technology and especially the internet. In our talks he asked things about how the world has changed, and asked how hard it would be for him to catch up. So, I had the idea to set SA loose on him, under my guidance. I've been here long enough to have a good idea how goons would respond. I expected some jokes, shitposting, and all the other SA-isms and warned him of those but I was confident goons would give him some great information and advice. There are so many different people here on SA, with so many varied interests, that I could see y'all coming out of niche subforums to expose Harvey to subjects I wouldn't have thought of.

Another motivation for this was to raise awareness of just how bad the American prison system is. Other people in the system have fared much worse than Harvey. It's a loving nightmare inside. Even if only a few people have learned something, it has been worth it.

He liked the idea but was hesitant at first so I had him poke around the forums to decide if it was a place he'd like to learn more about. After a couple of months of lurking, he was ready.

So I created the account and started the thread. We felt that letting y'all drive the thread, by asking questions, was a better way than just posting walls of text. I told him we'd bail soon if the thread wasn't supportive.

All of the questions harveys zoo zoos posted came from "Harvey".

Some of the answers came from me after research, but were driven by Harvey. Most of the answers, though, he either texted or told to me over the phone. For a lot of them he was right next to me, typing them on my computer.

Once the thread got mentioned on Twitter, Harvey got a bit nervous and almost decided to leave. But since the repsonse was overwhelmingly positive, he chilled out.

Cousin Todd does exist and helps Harvey out, but has never posted here. I just used that as an opportunity to explain how Harvey found SA. At first we never intended for me to say anything about my involvement, but at this point I thought we should.

Harvey's had his fill of SA for now, or at least in this thread. I think he wants to take a break from talking about this stuff and I can't say I blame him. And, he's starting his new job so he'll have less time to spend here.

Now he has his own, curated by goons encylopedia of modern internet life. I think I might organize the links and such by category in a self-hosted wiki for him. I've got a couple of ideas.

In case you're wondering, the "cyber prison for weirdos" and "cum town sounds like the prison shower" posts are 100% pure and unadulterated Harvey. The cum town one slayed me over the phone.

Most importantly the cat adoption is 100% real.

Harvey has a fantastic sense of humor despite his life, and that's one of the things that makes him a joy to be around. He's a genuinely humble person and full of hard-earned wisdom.

So now Harvey has a community of people that genuinely seem to care about his future and well being. He'll continue to post on his own, I'm sure. I don't know if he'll take over the harveys zoo zoos account or register one of his own later, but he did say he wants be a part of the community.

Y'all didn't disappoint us. Y'all are good people.

And as Harvey says every time we hang up after talking, "Be kind to yourself. Have a great day and a better tomorrow."

Thanks for being nice to my friend.


Now go get 'em, Harvey.

pencilhands posted:

That time I last had sex like 10 years ago, I didn’t know it at the time. But that was it. I’m all sexed out.

My best days of anime, however, lie well ahead.

Life is ok.