canyoneer posted:

Via , a concentrated black hole of STDH.


"I'm a big tough construction worker with sweaty balls. You dinged my door twice while I was in the vehicle, and instead of confronting you or yelling at you I decided to rub my balls on a metal surface I expect you to touch on this fine, hot day. I also left a note, and this is totally a real thing that happened =)"

ibntumart posted:

"I'm a big tough construction worker who in trying to burn you, will in fact be the one burned and soon be screaming in agony from placing my naked testicles against a metal handle that's been absorbing heat all throughout this sunny, hot day."

xxEightxx posted:

Not to mention his balls probably get washed more than that door handle. He should have taken a diarrhea on the air intake.

NoUU posted:

(Lyrics to a Daft Punk song)

quote:

I drove Off-Cape today to take care of some business. To those unfamiliar, off-cape is about 90 minutes from Truro and over a bridge. Once I got to my destination, I stopped to buy some building supplies and came out of a store and walked over to my truck. I’m parked in a parking lot and I notice a kid…probably about 10 years old…standing on a skateboard next to a car, two rows away. Just standing on his skateboard and balancing with one hand on a car.

I open the cap on the bed of my truck and start to load some materials. And I hear in back of me… “Listen you little fucker, don’t even think about getting close to my car.” I turn to see what’s going on and there’s a guy…40ish, shirt and tie, my size…standing a couple empty parking spaces away from the boy on the skateboard. The kid has not moved. Still standing on his board and balancing…stationary. I turn back around and say to myself, “Kevin, count to 10. One, two”…and then I hear… “You little fucker, you get close to my car and I’m gonna take that skateboard and break it in half.” I turn and say to the guy, “Hey, cut the kid a break. He’s not skating. He’s not even moving.” The guy looks at me and says, “Go gently caress yourself.”

Well…do you guys remember the scene in The Color Purple when Oprah gets slapped by the Mayor? The camera catches that split second look in her eyes…as her fist starts to clench? I start to slowly walk toward the guy and then change direction and go over to the boy. I smile at him and ask, “Is this your parent’s car?” He nods yes. I smile again and say, “Why don’t you go ahead and get inside.” He says ok and gets in. And then I walk over to the guy, a few parking spots away and say, “What did you say?” He says, I told you to go gently caress Yourself. I calmly move my face within a few inches of his. I don’t want the boy to hear our exchange. I say, “Do you want me to gently caress myself literally or figuratively?” And he hesitates and says…Both! And I look in his eyes and say, “First off…I can. And second…I have. Both literally and figuratively.” And I’m looking at him square in the eyes, three inches from his face. And I’m calm. And he’s looking back and then realizes…the light bulb goes off…as to what I just said. His eyes dart quickly from my eyes to my mid section…and back to my eyes.

And I say to him, “The next time you wanna have a pissing match with a kid to see who’s got the bigger dick…pick on someone your own size. Like me. Cause I can assure you, mine's bigger. Now before I take it out and beat you with it, from now on you’re gonna watch your foul mouth around kids and youre gonna apoligize to this one.” And he looks at me (at this point I think my eyes had turned from blue to black) and says…Ok. “Now we’re gonna turn around and you’re gonna smile and say you're sorry.” And we turn and he says, “Sorry kid, just a bad day. Sorry I used that bad word.” And he gets in his car and drives away.

I walk over to the boy in the car and he is crying and clutching his skateboard to his chest. “It’s ok. Are your parents in one of the stores?” He nods and says…My mom is in there. “Why we don’t we go and find her.” He says ok. And we walk into the store and I ask him to look for his mom. When he sees her, I smile and say to him…Ok, I’m gonna go now. You go stick with your mom.” And he goes.

I walk into a different store to buy something and when I come back out to my truck, the mom and the boy are standing and waiting for me. She is emotional. Her eyes are red. And she’s holding the boy’s hand. And he’s holding his skateboard. She says her son told her what happened and she just wanted to thank me. And then she starts to cry. She was only gonna be a few minutes in the store and her son must of gotten nervous. And she explains to me…her husband, the boys father had just passed away a few months before from Cancer. And the last thing his father gave him was the skateboard. And in the last days of his dad’s life, he told his son…whenever he felt anxious or sad…to stand on the skate board and remember how he would stand on his dad’s shoulders and jump off into the Ocean when his dad was healthy. “That skateboard means everything to him right now”.

I hugged her. Said I understood. And then I got down on one knee, smiled and said to the boy… “Your dad is always gonna be with you. Every time you think of him. He is always gonna love you. And he’s watching out for you.” I said goodbye and took a few steps toward my truck and the boy ran over to me and threw his arms around my waist. He locked on. Pressed his head in my stomach. And said…I love you Dad. And at that moment I knew…what my role was…and how kids can see things we adults sometimes can’t as we get older. And I looked at his face and said…I love too…son. And I lifted him up and put him on my shoulders and ran around the parking lot for a few minutes. His mom cried. I kept composed for the boy. I wanted him to see his dad…as strong in this moment. I sense it’s what he would want me to do for his son. And then his son…on my shoulders…laughed. Really laughed hard. And his mom…laughed too. And so did I. And I knew my time with them was done.

I got in my truck and drove about a mile to another parking lot…and cried. You just never know what someone else is going through and how the Universe and God is going to use you. And sitting in my truck, I thought…Just keep putting the Love out there. And in here. Inside for yourself. Without the expectation of knowing who or how, when or where…it will be returned. The Universe is so balanced. Balanced beyond our ability to understand balance. And it’s not a matter of “if” it will balance. It absolutely must. It has to balance. In a way that we can only sense and experience…moments at a time. And if the love is pure. It immediately responds with the same. It has to.

And I am sooo not perfect at any of this. But today…I was. Perfect. For a mom and a son. A family who had lost someone and needed to be looked after. And they…Perfect…for me. Because today…I got to be a Dad. And we were brought together. And then separated…no names exchanged. I thought it odd. Until I realized…without knowing…my name could be…Dad…for this boy. These perfect moments always seem to happen in life…when I have no expectations. I am not perfect. And somehow admitting…I’m not…makes me an inch closer to…the perfection of imperfection. Since…God and the Universe…are. And I am grateful today I could play the role given to me. It’s pretty humbling. Angels? Loved ones watching out for us? Yup.

SineRider posted:

This popped up in my facebook news feed this morning.

jalopybrown posted:

I also back down once someone tells me how big their dick is and makes statements that could be taken as them having put it in their own rear end.

SineRider posted:

This popped up in my facebook news feed this morning.

York_M_Chan posted:

It's like Christmas Shoes, but with a skate board.

sharktamer posted:

That's two stories in one day where the fantasy is being best friends with the teacher.

sharktamer posted:

That's two stories in one day where the fantasy is being best friends with the teacher.

Byers2142 posted:

I must have missed the part in Christmas Shoes where the author describes the size of her penis to a stranger.

York_M_Chan posted:

Its right there in the lyrics

So I laid the penis down, I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
"You could probably gently caress yourself with that"

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me about the scene in The Color Purple when Oprah gets slapped by the Mayor

DrHerpington posted:

CJacobs posted:

That is a screencap of a smartphone featuring a screencap of a fake conversation on a smartphone. Why not just screencap the fake conversation?

edit: Also, I like those fakey IM conversation ones because a lot of them feature two people with eerily similar writing styles. You'd almost think it wasn't real!

jalopybrown posted:

"How about Jesus comes in himself, like I can"

NAR posted:

No Good Tip Goes Unpunished
(My friend and I all work at a local pizza place. After a long day at work, we head over to a 24-hour restaurant at around midnight.)

Server: *sighs* “Three of you? Follow me… I guess I’ll seat you right here.”

Friend #1: “We’ll be a few minutes. We just want to sit for a bit before we get started.”

Server: “Alright, that’s fine.”

(We eventually place our order, but our server has to repeat everything back several times and in a few cases had the completely wrong drinks. It’s worth noting we are only one of three tables in the restaurant with another server there.)

Friend #2: “Is it just me or did she completely get S*** wrong and give us attitude while she did it?”

Friend #1: “Well, I can kinda get it. It’s late and she’s working here probably has to deal with drunks and druggies all the time.”

Me: “Ya, I feel kinda bad about it, but whatever… as long as we can sit and we get our food, it’s not that big of a deal.”

(When we get our appetizers, there are a bunch of mistakes. We get the rest of our food problem-free, but the server never checks on us or refills our drinks for the 1.5 hours we’re there; instead she just chats with another server.)

Me: “Well, I guess we should be going. How do you think we should tip?”

Friend #1: “Well, the service was s***, but who knows, she might be more tired than we are.”

Friend #2: “Ya, and she has to work at a place like this dealing with who knows what kind of people. Plus we know what it’s like to get bad tips.”

Me: “Alright, good tip it is.”

(Our check between the three of us ends up being only 36 dollars, but we tip her 13 dollars on the table and go up to the front to pay the bill, where she’s also running the register.)

Me: *to the server* “Here’s the money, and we left your tip on the table. I’m sorry it’s all in an assortment of cash, but it’s my tips from tonight. I don’t even need the change from it; I hope you have a good night.”

(The server counts the money but barely even listens to me.)

Server: “Alright, see you later.”

(After paying, we wait around a few minutes outside to smoke and chat before we start walking to Friend #1′s apartment. Note that Friend #2 is really short and looks young, even though she’s 20.)

Friend #1: “It’s so late! It would be funny if someone saw [Friend #2] out walking with us and thought she was out after curfew and called the cops.”

(Amazingly, not two minutes after we say this, a police car pulls up next to us. Two officers, step out and ask us to stop.)

Officer #1: “Sorry to bug you guys, but are you coming from [restaurant]?

Friend #2: “Ya, we are we left there about fifteen minutes ago.”

Officer #1: “Well, we just got a call from them saying you didn’t pay your bill and ran out.”

(All of our jaws drop since we saw our server count the money in front of us. The police separate us, take our info, and ask us for more details about our visit. Afterwards, one of the officers speaks to us.)

Officer #1: “Well, I don’t know what to say to you guys. You’re being helpful. It seems like you’re telling the truth, you’re not getting angry or evading questions, and you even ENCOURAGED us to look at the cameras. Honestly, I believe you guys. We have an officer back at the restaurant questioning your server, so we’ll radio them and see if there’s any change.”

(The officers go back to the car for five minutes, and then came back to talk to us again.)

Officer #2: “I’m sorry, guys, but it seems [name of server] is saying you only paid her four dollars at the counter then told her the rest was on the table and left. They’ve been questioning her, but she’s sticking to her story.”

Officer #1: “Thing is, guys, you seem like good kids. I believe you’re telling the truth and this is some big mixup. It’s late, cold and we’ve been talking nearly an hour. I have your info, so just get home. If it turns out there’s a problem with what you’ve told me, we’ll call you. So if you don’t get a phone call, it’s a good sign.”

(We head home, unhappy with our experience. After a couple of weeks with no phone call from the police, I send a scathing email to the restaurant’s corporate office. Eventually a store manager calls me and apologizes profusely. The server doesn’t lose her job, but faces “serious discipline” while we are refunded twice over ($80) for our troubles. So, that’s the story of how three experienced restaurant employees tried to be nice to a bad server because they felt sorry for her, and ended up having the police called on them!)

quote:

(We head home, unhappy with our experience. After a couple of weeks with no phone call from the police, I send a scathing email to the restaurant’s corporate office. Eventually a store manager calls me and apologizes profusely. The server doesn’t lose her job, but faces “serious discipline” while we are refunded twice over ($80) for our troubles. So, that’s the story of how three experienced restaurant employees tried to be nice to a bad server because they felt sorry for her, and ended up having the police called on them!)

FrozenVent posted:

Yeeeeeeeeeah no.

(Because if they did indeed pay, the server pocketed the money and AFAIK that's a fireable offense in most places. That's if they don't call the cops.)

Aleph Null posted:

The guy who rang himself up a $90 tip on our card was still working there a month later even though the management told us that they fired him.
Also, they made us come down the restaurant to get our refund and gave us a check. They wouldn't do it electronically and wouldn't mail it to us.
And that server was only the 2nd worst server we had ever had.

Lurken posted:

Who was the 1st?

Lurken posted:

Who was the 1st?

Fuego Fish posted:

Dude climbed onto their table, squatted over the plate, and garnished their meal.

razorrozar posted:

quote:

They're all sick of it, and I got a free Ice Cappuccino, so RESOLVED!

Retter posted:

What the gently caress is an ice cappuccino?

Rambling Robot posted:

I found a bunch of ancient Readers' Digest the other day. Ancient as in from 2000.

Every "joke" or "story" submitted by a reader is a shit_that_didnt_happen.txt

bringmyfishback posted:

Oh, my GOD. I've been trying not to repost NAR here, but this one is just too good not to be shared.


"Thing is, you guys seem like good kids. Except you made up a lovely story."

NoUU posted:

I wonder where they heard that bitch comment and decided to write a story around it.

Aleph Null posted:

I just realized that "pegging" and "planking" are two different things. That whole planking meme make much more sense now.

bringmyfishback posted:

Oh, my GOD. I've been trying not to repost NAR here, but this one is just too good not to be shared.


"Thing is, you guys seem like good kids. Except you made up a lovely story."

Fathis Munk posted:

Do share !