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canyoneer posted:Via , a concentrated black hole of STDH. "I'm a big tough construction worker who in trying to burn you, will in fact be the one burned and soon be screaming in agony from placing my naked testicles against a metal handle that's been absorbing heat all throughout this sunny, hot day."
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 02:58 |
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# ? Jun 9, 2024 03:06 |
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ibntumart posted:"I'm a big tough construction worker who in trying to burn you, will in fact be the one burned and soon be screaming in agony from placing my naked testicles against a metal handle that's been absorbing heat all throughout this sunny, hot day." Not to mention his balls probably get washed more than that door handle. He should have taken a diarrhea on the air intake.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 03:32 |
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xxEightxx posted:Not to mention his balls probably get washed more than that door handle. He should have taken a diarrhea on the air intake. Seriously, how does he know the owner doesn't regularly open his car door with his own prehensile scrotum? It's like his balls kissed another man's balls. It's actually really romantic.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 03:47 |
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(Lyrics to a Daft Punk song)
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 04:19 |
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NoUU posted:
She slapped him hard enough to draw blood ? Also I can just imagine how creeped out the rest of the class is when one of the students and the teacher exchange weirdly significant sentences and wink at each other.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 10:58 |
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This popped up in my facebook news feed this morning.quote:I drove Off-Cape today to take care of some business. To those unfamiliar, off-cape is about 90 minutes from Truro and over a bridge. Once I got to my destination, I stopped to buy some building supplies and came out of a store and walked over to my truck. I’m parked in a parking lot and I notice a kid…probably about 10 years old…standing on a skateboard next to a car, two rows away. Just standing on his skateboard and balancing with one hand on a car.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 15:06 |
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That's two stories in one day where the fantasy is being best friends with the teacher.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 15:11 |
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SineRider posted:This popped up in my facebook news feed this morning. I also back down once someone tells me how big their dick is and makes statements that could be taken as them having put it in their own rear end.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 15:29 |
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jalopybrown posted:I also back down once someone tells me how big their dick is and makes statements that could be taken as them having put it in their own rear end. Frankly I don't think there's any other way for that to be taken. What sort of threat was that? I have literally hosed myself, my dick is that big, so take that. Also, apparently, I can and do figuratively gently caress myself, yeah, that's right, I screw all kinds of poo poo up for myself, what do you think of that!?
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 15:36 |
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SineRider posted:This popped up in my facebook news feed this morning. It's like Christmas Shoes, but with a skate board.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 15:41 |
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York_M_Chan posted:It's like Christmas Shoes, but with a skate board. I must have missed the part in Christmas Shoes where the author describes the size of her penis to a stranger.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 16:14 |
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sharktamer posted:That's two stories in one day where the fantasy is being best friends with the teacher. Yeah, some of these are clearly really lonely and isolated kids writing as an escape. Kind of mean to pick on the lowest rung.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 16:17 |
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sharktamer posted:That's two stories in one day where the fantasy is being best friends with the teacher. We need to make these kids friends with that bus driver buddy bus rune girl. Or have them start like a penpal exchange or something.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 16:28 |
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Byers2142 posted:I must have missed the part in Christmas Shoes where the author describes the size of her penis to a stranger. Its right there in the lyrics So I laid the penis down, I just had to help him out And I'll never forget the look on his face when he said "You could probably gently caress yourself with that" I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love As he thanked me and ran out I knew that God had sent that little boy To remind me about the scene in The Color Purple when Oprah gets slapped by the Mayor
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 17:13 |
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I wish his gigantic penis had flopped out unexpectedly onto the skateboard crushing it into a fine dust. (long awkward silence) "you ever seen that movie the color purple? With Oprah?"
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 18:11 |
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York_M_Chan posted:Its right there in the lyrics Sir I wanna ride your neck Like my daddy please He just died and you're about his size. Could you hurry sir Momma's shopping for not much time And see, he's been rude for quite a while And I, know your dick would make him smile So I want to ride around on you And call you my daddy tonight
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 19:24 |
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DrHerpington has a new favorite as of 22:28 on Jun 28, 2013 |
# ? Jun 28, 2013 22:21 |
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That is a screencap of a smartphone featuring a screencap of a fake conversation on a smartphone. Why not just screencap the fake conversation? edit: Also, I like those fakey IM conversation ones because a lot of them feature two people with eerily similar writing styles. You'd almost think it wasn't real!
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 22:52 |
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This may be stdh, but I'm still stealing it for the next time the Jehovah's Witnesses come by.
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 23:29 |
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"How about Jesus comes in himself, like I can"
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# ? Jun 28, 2013 23:55 |
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That iPhone conversation even has the wrong name at the top (unless they were both called Jake?)
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 00:57 |
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CJacobs posted:That is a screencap of a smartphone featuring a screencap of a fake conversation on a smartphone. Why not just screencap the fake conversation? And also the green text on iPhone text messages is the sender, white text the recipient. So the green text is supposed to be jake, but jake has his girlfriend's(?) number saved under the contact of "jake"
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 01:02 |
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jalopybrown posted:"How about Jesus comes in himself, like I can" "I'd like Jesus to leave, he's been couch surfing and mooching off my food for about a month now."
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 01:03 |
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"It's pronounced 'Hey-soos'."
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 01:25 |
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Oh, my GOD. I've been trying not to repost NAR here, but this one is just too good not to be shared.NAR posted:No Good Tip Goes Unpunished "Thing is, you guys seem like good kids. Except you made up a lovely story."
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 02:48 |
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quote:(We head home, unhappy with our experience. After a couple of weeks with no phone call from the police, I send a scathing email to the restaurant’s corporate office. Eventually a store manager calls me and apologizes profusely. The server doesn’t lose her job, but faces “serious discipline” while we are refunded twice over ($80) for our troubles. So, that’s the story of how three experienced restaurant employees tried to be nice to a bad server because they felt sorry for her, and ended up having the police called on them!) Yeeeeeeeeeah no. (Because if they did indeed pay, the server pocketed the money and AFAIK that's a fireable offense in most places. That's if they don't call the cops.)
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 02:52 |
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FrozenVent posted:Yeeeeeeeeeah no. The guy who rang himself up a $90 tip on our card was still working there a month later even though the management told us that they fired him. Also, they made us come down the restaurant to get our refund and gave us a check. They wouldn't do it electronically and wouldn't mail it to us. And that server was only the 2nd worst server we had ever had.
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 03:07 |
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Aleph Null posted:The guy who rang himself up a $90 tip on our card was still working there a month later even though the management told us that they fired him. Who was the 1st?
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 03:52 |
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Lurken posted:Who was the 1st? Albert Einstein obviously
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 03:58 |
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Lurken posted:Who was the 1st? Dude climbed onto their table, squatted over the plate, and garnished their meal.
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 04:03 |
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I wonder where they heard that bitch comment and decided to write a story around it.
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 04:16 |
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Fuego Fish posted:Dude climbed onto their table, squatted over the plate, and garnished their meal.
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 04:19 |
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I just realized that "pegging" and "planking" are two different things. That whole planking meme make much more sense now.
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 06:30 |
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quote:They're all sick of it, and I got a free Ice Cappuccino, so RESOLVED! What the gently caress is an ice cappuccino?
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 06:42 |
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I found a bunch of ancient Readers' Digest the other day. Ancient as in from 2000. Every "joke" or "story" submitted by a reader is a shit_that_didnt_happen.txt
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 06:56 |
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Retter posted:What the gently caress is an ice cappuccino? Take a cappuccino. Cool it and blend with ice like a slushy drink. When in Canada, it's best to just learn to enjoy everything on ice.
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 07:13 |
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Rambling Robot posted:I found a bunch of ancient Readers' Digest the other day. Ancient as in from 2000. Do share ! bringmyfishback posted:Oh, my GOD. I've been trying not to repost NAR here, but this one is just too good not to be shared. Those guys don't even get NAR, it's the customer that's supposed to be the bad guy ! I still love how all the stories picture them as completely nice and understanding Jesus-level saints and the other faction as useless lazy assholes. Like "we gave almost 50% tip with money that we had earned as tips before even though the service was poo poo because we're just that nice !" NoUU posted:I wonder where they heard that bitch comment and decided to write a story around it. Has that actually ever happened to anyone in the thread ? I hold doors open for whoever if they're close behind me and never did anyone complain... The choicest parts are the "I'm embarrassed for my gender" (I'm a girl but I'm totally awesome dudes, look at meeeeeee) and the 2 edits that just plunge further into STDH.txt territory "I know someone who has that problem" "Everyone agreed with me and I got free stuff" Sure you did (Also does anyone get why she'd be in deep trouble if she had told her father ?)
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 09:55 |
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Aleph Null posted:I just realized that "pegging" and "planking" are two different things. That whole planking meme make much more sense now. Did you think there were rogue straped-on women anal rapists who would randomly peg people in public?
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 09:56 |
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bringmyfishback posted:Oh, my GOD. I've been trying not to repost NAR here, but this one is just too good not to be shared. " It seems like you’re telling the truth, you’re not getting angry or evading questions, and you even ENCOURAGED us to look at the cameras." Beep boop this is how human beings talk in bad prime time tv and therefore also how they talk in real life jesus WEP has a new favorite as of 10:19 on Jun 29, 2013 |
# ? Jun 29, 2013 10:16 |
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# ? Jun 9, 2024 03:06 |
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Fathis Munk posted:Do share ! Some of them are quite long, so here is a cell phone photo: The first word is "Learning..." (I'm sure this "real story" is in every joke book made for people with no sense of humour).
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# ? Jun 29, 2013 17:41 |