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Deadly Ham Sandwich posted:Wait... what is the stone for? Is it a special stone of some sort, or can I just grab some rocks from the river?
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Jul 17, 2013 01:25
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John Big Booty posted:It's pumice, for exfoliation. Now explain the three seashells.
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Jul 17, 2013 01:26
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prefect posted:Now explain the three seashells. http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/three-seashells/
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Jul 17, 2013 01:32
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I love that last line about finding it in the trash and seeing a new one in the shower.
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Jul 17, 2013 02:59
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Deadly Ham Sandwich posted:Wait... what is the stone for? Is it a special stone of some sort, or can I just grab some rocks from the river? You know stone-washed jeans? It's a similar process, but it's for soft skin.
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Jul 17, 2013 03:21
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Deadly Ham Sandwich posted:Wait... what is the stone for? Is it a special stone of some sort, or can I just grab some rocks from the river? 
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Jul 17, 2013 10:29
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I'm ashamed to admit that I forwarded this to one of my lady friends and she laughed at me. It turns out that my humble guess that it was an exfoliating thingamajig was only partially correct. It's used to remove dead skin from the feet, which is rather "unsightly when you're wearing heels or sandals" Related, I have an older sister and I scraped one of those on my forearm once while suffering the exact same bout of curiosity as the article's boyfriend character. I clearly remember thinking "what the gently caress is this thing for [sister]? It hurts!"
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Jul 17, 2013 10:43
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I still have fond memories of Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' because I passed it around to some friends a few years back, and they were despairing and angsting before they even noticed it was published in January of 2000, which just made the whole thing even darker and more depressing for them.
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Jul 17, 2013 15:31
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 People are weird.
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Jul 17, 2013 16:17
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Have you ever seen JK Rowling and Newt Gingrich in the same room at the same time? Time will tell. A sounds cool.
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Jul 17, 2013 16:51
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I love people who say "Oh yeah, it's satire but we should dig deeper to find the truth."
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Jul 17, 2013 17:34
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Toad on a Hat posted:I love people who say "Oh yeah, it's satire but we should dig deeper to find the truth."
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Jul 17, 2013 18:36
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:J.K. Rowling being Newt Gingrich isn't even satire, it's just something that's hilariously absurd. I dunno, have they ever been in the same room together? 
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Jul 17, 2013 18:42
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:J.K. Rowling being Newt Gingrich isn't even satire, it's just something that's hilariously absurd. It's satire to the extent that Gingrich would absolutely be the kind of person to ghostwrite books about wizards and expect them to get as big as Harry Potter ended up being.
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Jul 17, 2013 18:53
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Gingrich does write (or at least put his name on) fiction, though.
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Jul 18, 2013 00:43
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Ofaloaf posted:I still have fond memories of Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' because I passed it around to some friends a few years back, and they were despairing and angsting before they even noticed it was published in January of 2000, which just made the whole thing even darker and more depressing for them. I live in Cleveland. Temperatures here have been brutal recently, and in two of the past three days my university has shut down a lot of non-essential equipment at the request of power grid operators. The intention is to avoid another massive blackout like the one in 2003 (which Great Lakes' Blackout Stout is named for, incidentally). I've been here for 9 years and have never received a "shutting stuff down so the power grid stays up" email before this week. 2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully came to mind 
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Jul 18, 2013 01:29
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Ofaloaf posted:I still have fond memories of Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' because I passed it around to some friends a few years back, and they were despairing and angsting before they even noticed it was published in January of 2000, which just made the whole thing even darker and more depressing for them. When you factor in everything that makes things hilarious and dark and depressing at the same time, this is very likely the finest article the Onion has published. Terrifyingly prescient. E - this is another one of my faves thats not funny in a joke sense but written in a poetic way that I enjoy - http://www.theonion.com/articles/walmart-opens-store-in-winesburg-ohio,316/ Supreme Allah has a new favorite as of 01:47 on Jul 18, 2013 |
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Jul 18, 2013 01:43
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Supreme Allah posted:E - this is another one of my faves thats not funny in a joke sense but written in a poetic way that I enjoy - http://www.theonion.com/articles/walmart-opens-store-in-winesburg-ohio,316/ I'm so glad you posted that one! I've never seen it before, and I have a friend whose favorite book is Winesburg, Ohio. She'll get a kick out of that.
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Jul 18, 2013 03:28
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A GLISTENING HODOR posted:I'm ashamed to admit that I forwarded this to one of my lady friends and she laughed at me. I laughed at the article because the idea of this common item becoming a household mystery. Its basically a less gross ped-egg since you just wash off the skin particles.  I'm not sure how you miss it while growing up though, I thought everyone had one. And yes, the last line was amazing.
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Jul 18, 2013 05:14
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I think my favorite articles are the ones that are about complete gently caress ups, like these. Attractive Girl's Union Refuses to Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman I like to think this is what Nice Guys actually believe. Or this one about a living quantum gently caress up. Scientists Baffled by Man's Incredible Ability to gently caress Up Every Time
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Jul 18, 2013 07:26
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/schedule-for-2013-san-diego-comiccon,33158/ Day 3: LeVar Burton debuts homemade film Roots In Space
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Jul 18, 2013 20:07
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razorscooter posted:http://www.theonion.com/articles/schedule-for-2013-san-diego-comiccon,33158/ Day 2: San Diego Chargers coaching staff holds open tryouts to try to find unknown talent That might not be a bad idea for them at this point.
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Jul 18, 2013 22:27
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Oh this one is just fantastic Wealthy Swiss Tourist Offers U.S. Government $87 Billion To Buy Indiana's Populace For Just One Night quote:The banking magnate then demonstrated the seriousness of his proposition to government leaders by opening a leather briefcase to reveal several billion Swiss francs. The heavily indebted U.S. government is widely expected to accept Krieger's offer and use the proceeds to fund critical job creation and infrastructure renewal projects. However, White House sources reported that President Obama has privately expressed conflicted emotions, admitting that the thought of Indiana with someone else was "tearing [him] up inside."
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Jul 18, 2013 22:45
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FBI Offers One Million Dollar Reward For Any Information on Cheetahs "Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so loving sweet."
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Jul 18, 2013 23:47
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razorscooter posted:http://www.theonion.com/articles/schedule-for-2013-san-diego-comiccon,33158/ Day 2: Something involving manga that is literally too sad to print Also grats on finally featuring bronies in your headline image, Onion! 
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Jul 19, 2013 02:14
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Detroit Sold For Scrap
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Jul 19, 2013 03:32
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Jerusalem posted:FBI Offers One Million Dollar Reward For Any Information on Cheetahs
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Jul 19, 2013 04:21
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Man Who Couldn't Defeat George W. Bush Attempting To Resolve Israel-Palestine Conflict Seriously, this one is so wonderfully harsh.
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Jul 19, 2013 11:13
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Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland This one cracked me up.
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Jul 19, 2013 22:56
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Only after reading it did I notice that it was published seven years ago. From today: Report: Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland.
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Jul 20, 2013 02:59
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Ezzer posted:Oh this one is just fantastic As a lifelong Hoosier, this article really had me up until they quoted a senator with "...my fellow Indianans." Really?
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Jul 20, 2013 05:13
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the_steve posted:Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland They had some great nonsense articles today. Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box quote:“I’ve been busting my rear end here for eight years, and this rear end in a top hat comes in off the street and thinks he’s automatically entitled to whatever donut he can get his hands on? He hasn’t earned that right, not by a long shot.”
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Jul 20, 2013 08:14
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Candlelight Vigil Held For Legal System It's the first part of a video but drat if that isn't incisive.
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Jul 20, 2013 13:41
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Phelddagrif posted:They had some great nonsense articles today. I wish The Onion was more of these slice-of-life articles and focused less on the current events. It's just too predictable now, when something bad happens they do the very cynical "Everything is Bad" headline and eh. Gets old.
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Jul 20, 2013 13:57
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XxGirlKisserxX posted:I wish The Onion was more of these slice-of-life articles and focused less on the current events. It's just too predictable now, when something bad happens they do the very cynical "Everything is Bad" headline and eh. Gets old. We do need more "area man" type articles. Along those lines, this has always been a favorite of mine http://www.theonion.com/articles/fancy-man-enjoys-tea,2317/
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Jul 22, 2013 05:25
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Febreeze posted:We do need more "area man" type articles. Along those lines, this has always been a favorite of mine Holy hell that was a fun read: quote:On this occasion, Baumer removed the tea bag from the dainty brew and added one dollop of honey made by his friends the honeybees and a splash of milk straight from his mama's precious teat. But even with these additions, the tea was still too hot for Princess Jason's sensitive mouth, causing him to softly blow on the beverage with his lips pursed together like a little rosebud. Such seething contempt 
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Jul 22, 2013 05:45
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Phelddagrif posted:They had some great nonsense articles today. In that employee's defense that is the worst selection of donuts I've ever seen. You got three powdered plain craps, two non-powdered plain craps, one hunk of whiskey turd in the top right corner, two covered in some sort of coconut or other random nonsense. And even though the article mentions a cruller, I don't see any. There are two that might have some sort of jelly but I wouldn't be surprised if they were blueberry. If someone walked into my office with that box I would slap it out of their hands and stomp on it while they watched and cried like a little bitch.
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Jul 22, 2013 06:34
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Real good and funny post about donuts bro.  This one isn't even an article but Outline Of Inhaler Clearly Visible In Comic-Con Attendee’s Lycra Bodysuit made me laugh
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Jul 22, 2013 15:22
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/tiny-advisor-who-lived-in-obamas-ear-dead-at-83,33172/ Okay, who spiked the Onion's water with the brown acid?
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Jul 22, 2013 16:19
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parque bynch posted:As a lifelong Hoosier, this article really had me up until they quoted a senator with "...my fellow Indianans." Really? If anyone would say it, it'd be Lugar.
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Jul 22, 2013 17:15
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