Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

In the latest chronicle of poo poo that did not happen: Breitbart edition

wilderthanmild posted:

Cross posted from the freeper thread in D&D:


This guy lives in a weird rpg-world where roving gangs of black people are random encounters that attack you even if you're holding a loaded shotgun.

quote:

(I’m in line at a very well-known chicken fast food place. It’s lunch hour, so the place is fairly packed.)

Cashier: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Do I want a one-piece or two-piece meal?”

Cashier: “Well, people usually order the two-piece at this time, since it’s supposed to hold them for a few more hours.”

Customer: “Okay, a two-piece meal then.”

Cashier: “Would you like that ‘Original Recipe’ or ‘Hot and Crispy?’”

Customer: “I don’t know. What’s the difference?”

Cashier: “Um, the ‘Original Recipe’ tends to have softer skin and a tangy flavor, while the ‘Hot and Crispy’ is spicy and crunchy.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not sure which one of those I want. The ‘Hot and Crispy’ might be too spicy for me.”

Cashier: “Don’t worry, our ‘Hot and Crispy’ isn’t really that spicy. It’s just enough for a kick in the taste buds, no more.”

Customer: “Maybe, but I might want extra mashed potatoes with it.”

Cashier: “If you order the full meal, you get a large side dish with your food.”

Customer: “What if a large is too big? I don’t want to eat all that much.”

Cashier: “Well, ma’am, the containers are behind me, so you can decide for yourself if large is too big.”

Customer: “Hmm… wait, what if I don’t want chicken for lunch?”

Customer Somewhere In The Back: “WELL YOU’RE IN THE WRONG F****** RESTAURANT, AREN’T YOU?! STOP HOLDING UP THE LINE!”

quote:

(I work at a call center that deals with warranties on different products. In order to file any complaints regarding the product, I first have to get all of the info about the product. I am speaking to a customer who is calling to make a complaint about her TV.)

Me: “Alright, and would you mind telling me the size of your television?”

Customer: “I’m not sure what size it is. Should I measure it?”

Me: “No, no, that is fine. Could you tell me what brand it is?”

Customer: “It is [name brand TV set].”

Me: “Great, thank you! And now could you tell me if it is an LCD or LED TV?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, it is the type of screen. I can’t remember what LED stands for currently, but I know LCD stands for ‘Liquid Crystal Display’.”

Customer: “Oh… okay. Just one second and I’ll find out for you.”

Me: “Great, thanks!”

(I hear silence over the phone for a moment, then some light tapping sounds in the background.)

Customer: “Okay, I’m back, and it isn’t a Liquid Crystal Display. The screen is too hard!”

quote:

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling Tech Support.”

Customer: “Hi, I bought a [brand name] laptop, and I want to get it set up. Can you talk me through it?”

Me: “Sure, when you turn on the computer you’ll be asked to type in the user name you want to use—”

Customer: “I haven’t gotten that far yet. How do I open the box?”

Me: “Really, you want me to talk you through opening the box?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Is this a prank call?”

Customer: “No…”

(The customer actually kept me on the line for 30 minutes asking me how to open the box her laptop came in!)

quote:

(I am a customer at a pet store purchasing a dog harness. It is actually for my cat, who is too big for a cat harness.)

Cashier: “What a cute harness! What kind of dog do you have?”

Me: “It’s for my cat. She’s a Maine Coon.”

(The customer behind me overhears.)

Customer: “You can’t buy that! It’s for a dog!”

Me: “I know, but it will fit my cat.”

Customer: “That harness is for dogs only! D-O-G-S!”

Me: “But the cat harnesses are too small. My cat has to wear a dog harness.”

Customer: “Are you a foreigner or something? Real Americans like dogs!”

Me: “I am American and I like dogs, but I like cats, too.”

Customer: “Un-American!” *storms off*

Khazar-khum posted:

This reads like a middle school skit.


And here's a joke swiped from some crummy stand-up comic in Hell:


Hahaha ohh that was so funny. And here's a companion to it:


And finally, a true American!

Khazar-khum posted:

This reads like a middle school skit.

Bucket Joneses posted:

Uh, those first two things sound 100% plausible and most likely happened. People are loving stupid.

quote:

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling Tech Support.”

Customer: “Hi, I bought a [brand name] laptop, and I want to get it set up. Can you talk me through it?”

Me: “Sure, when you turn on the computer you’ll be asked to type in the user name you want to use—”

Customer: “I haven’t gotten that far yet. How do I open the box?”

Me: “Really, you want me to talk you through opening the box?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Is this a prank call?”

Customer: “No…”

(The customer actually kept me on the line for 30 minutes asking me how to open the box her laptop came in!)

CJacobs posted:

Speaking of which, I worked a tech support job for a while and people don't seem to understand that "is it plugged in/did you try turning it off and on" isn't just a formality. Like, the reason tech support people ask those questions is because people are loving stupid. So you may scoff and go "yeah, duh, why wouldn't I have tried that" but there are lots and lots of people who are too afraid of breaking something or too dumb to know that the computer won't turn itself on.

Revenge subreddit posted:

I wish I could say this is my story, but it's not. This one is courtesy one of my closest friends. For reference I'll be referring to him as "BP". Slightly not safe for work, I suppose...I'd rather tag it and it not be, than not tag it and have someone's boss walk up and read it
Also, names and tiny details are changed or omitted, but the overall story is legit.
A few years ago, BP was dating this girl. He really dug her and did everything he could to please her. He was a reasonably funny dude, not bad looking,and he sung for a band, so he had his choice of a few ladies, but chose this one because he was really fond of her. Bent over backwards for her, so to speak.
After the relationship goes on for awhile, he finds out she's been cheating on him. And it didn't just start, she's been cheating on him since they were courting. Apparently, his love for her wasn't mutual, and she just refused to give up other guys, even after their own relationship seemed to get serious.
BP was furious, but he wasn't the type to poo poo in her cereal, beat up the other guys, etc. But he wanted to get back at her somehow, some way.
A few days later, we're all out drinking, hanging out, hitting the bar circuit, having a good time when who else but his ex's mom actually shows up. Ex's mom gets liquored up with us when BP actually saw his opportunity for revenge.
So he sweet talks the mother to the point where she ends up bringing him back home with her, and then...you guessed it. He had sex with his ex's mother.
But the story gets better.
Post-coitus, he decides to get up and go to the kitchen to get a drink. Not putting anything on but a t-shirt, he walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge. At this point, his ex, who was out herself, comes in and runs into him, naked from the torso down, in her fridge. She screams at him, "What the gently caress are you doing here?"
Nonchalantly, he replies, "Getting some orange juice."
tl;dr, good friend's long term girlfriend cheats on him, gets revenge by sleeping with her mom, gets caught in the kitchen by his ex and says "getting some orange juice."

Djeser posted:

Relationship burns are so dumb. This is how dumb they are.

crowfeathers posted:

Green text stories are a joke. They are not meant to be taken as real.

crowfeathers posted:

Green text stories are a joke. They are not meant to be taken as real.

Mr. Mallory posted:

Even though this story is obviously a troll, not every green text story is fake. They may have started out like that but now a lot of people use them as real stories/stdh

quote:

(I’m a girl looking around the movie section of a popular superstore. A male customer happens to be walking next to me through the aisle. I am wearing a Power Rangers/Pokémon crossover t-shirt. Traditionally, the red Power Ranger is the male team leader, while the pink is the ‘girly girl’ or stereotypical ‘chick’.)

Customer: “Power Rangers, huh?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, yeah.”

Customer: “Why red, though?”

Me: “Just liked the Charizard, I guess.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t have wanted Red though. You should’ve gotten Pink!”

Me: “…why? Because I’m a girl?”

Customer: “Yeah! No girl would ever be the Red Ranger!”

Me: “Actually there have been at least two female Red Rangers. The A-Squad team in ‘SPD’ had a female Red, as did the ‘Samurai’ season.”

Customer: “Those seasons didn’t exist!”

Me: “…yes, they did.”

Customer: “How would you know? You’re a girl!”

Me: “Yes, as you’ve been telling me. Would you also like to comment on the ‘Mass Effect’ games I have in the car, or—” *I hold up my right hand* “—or perhaps on my Superman ring, too, since apparently I can’t be a female geek?”

(The customer stares at me for a minute before mumbling an apology, and slinking away.)

Djeser posted:

Relationship burns are so dumb. This is how dumb they are.

Djeser posted:

That story wasn't serious? Thanks guys. Once again goons display their crack knowledge of when things are jokes.


"I keep Mass Effect in my car's glovebox for the bon mot opportunities."

While yes, there are awkward guys who would totally say sexist things to you while trying to make conversation, no, you did not have a super-suave comeback. On another note, and I'm sure this has been brought up before, whenever someone's geek cred is questioned, they always defend themselves with fairly mundane things. No one uses encyclopedic knowledge of Farscape or their Animorphs experience or the fact that they own Ultima VII to defend themselves. I guess it's the same thing with Queen--you don't get any cool points if no one gets your reference, so when you're making up your story, you stick to the beats that everyone will be familiar with.

Though I guess Power Rangers is a little outside of the usual milieu.

Djeser posted:

That story wasn't serious? Thanks guys. Once again goons display their crack knowledge of when things are jokes.


"I keep Mass Effect in my car's glovebox for the bon mot opportunities."

While yes, there are awkward guys who would totally say sexist things to you while trying to make conversation, no, you did not have a super-suave comeback. On another note, and I'm sure this has been brought up before, whenever someone's geek cred is questioned, they always defend themselves with fairly mundane things. No one uses encyclopedic knowledge of Farscape or their Animorphs experience or the fact that they own Ultima VII to defend themselves. I guess it's the same thing with Queen--you don't get any cool points if no one gets your reference, so when you're making up your story, you stick to the beats that everyone will be familiar with.

Though I guess Power Rangers is a little outside of the usual milieu.

synthetik posted:

Starts with this meme:

http://i.imgur.com/env0Yiy.png

His justification:

dregan posted:

Nope.

vaguely posted:

At least it wasn't Bohemian Rhapsody this time.

Soulcleaver posted:

A real Queen fan would have picked something like Stone Cold Crazy or Somebody To Love anyway. *pushes hipster glasses further up nose*

FrozenVent posted:

Telemarketers are allowed to listen to music on the job? That seems... Counter productive.

DrHerpington posted:

some STDH posted:

Yes. Leave. Just get out as fast as you can. And don't call it giving up. Call it getting out.
Let me tell you a little tale. I was you several years ago. Started teaching after working in industry for 30 years. I'm a middle-aged black male, by the way. Worked in the north a few years, and then my wife going back to school moved us to the South.
And I was hired into your school, or its near equivalent. Seven generations of poverty and what I call the Culture of Defiance. It doesn't work. I lasted two weeks, but the day I left, the board of education came to tell the principal that his school was going to be closed at the end of the year.
That dogandcatinlove person? The idealist in higher ed? No. He or she is correct - there is hierarchy, but it only happens when the entire school enforces it, not individual teachers, which you have seen for yourself, even among the veterans on the job. Up North, the school I was in was Title I, minority students with parents in jail, parents selling drugs, English not their native language, abuse at home - the whole routine. And we didn't have a fraction of the problems here. Why? Because the Culture of Defiance was not tolerated. The unions wouldn't tolerate it, the teachers wouldn't tolerate it, the administration wouldn't tolerate it. The parents didn't run the school district - the school district ran the school district. This was a public school, not a private school, not a charter school with limited enrollment. Public school. You want to bring a knife on the bus, you want to disrespect the staff and other students, you want to fight, you want to disrupt instruction? Bye. Off you go to the alternative school.
Not down here. Every child is a prince and every parent a queen. And you can be replaced in a second (none of those pesky unions!).
Get out now. You'll be traumatized for years from your experience, as short as it is, because you just. cannot. believe. people. can. treat. others. like. this. But they do. As you've seen, there are a couple of dozen kids in the whole school who actually want to learn, but they are screwed. I had a student who was like that - I ran into him about 9 months after I left, his mother had taken him out of that neighborhood school and got him in a real school across town. And even in that affluent classroom, he was still a better student than most of the other kids because HE UNDERSTOOD WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A STUDENT.
Some people will try to tell you that you should stick with it, for the children's sake. That's a load of crap. You're not the government, your time and money are not unlimited, and the system around you doesn't even have the serious goal of creating an environment that is safe or supportive for students. Those who tell you to stay are using the same thinking that someone would use to convince you to stay with an abuser...that you can make a difference, that you can't give up on them, that you are their only saving grace. Don't. Just don't fall for that.
I got out of that school. Then I looked for another school. Found one. It was better than the last, but still unsatisfactory. Then I found another one. Better. Had problems, but at least the administration, teachers, parents, and other students were actively improving the situation. Finally found where I am now. Is it perfect? No. Is it enjoyable most days? Yes. Is it doable? Absolutely.
It's not your job to save the world. There are a few "heroic" types who like these challenges. Good for them. There are some people who are delusional and think you can just think positively and apply a couple of classroom management techniques, and all will get better. They are seriously delusional or trying to sell you something (I spent a large fortune on nearly every major book and program out there that "guaranteed" classroom management success. Epic fail.).
Get out, move on, make the decision not to take something that you can't live with. Trust that you belong in a place that wants YOU. And do whatever you can to find it. Research the hell out of every school you plan to set foot in.
You know from your own life - how you were raised means everything. Culture trumps intention. The Culture of Defiance is a culture of dumb.
(Want to see how this worked in real life? Find a copy of and read "Hope and Despair in the American City" by Gerald Grant.)
Three years later, and I'm still haunted by those two weeks in Hades. But at least I'm no longer there, at least I'm not still being abused by violent ignorant children and the adults who allow them to act that way. Find a school that knows what it's doing. And don't give up on yourself. Ever.

dregan posted:

Nope.

Non Serviam posted:

All of these people only think about dialing 911 in retrospective. None of them actually dealt with cops (not even corrupt ones!) all of them just realize that "in retrospect" they should have actually done something useful .

r/fatpeoplestories posted:

Or the story of how I got almost fired tonight.

Before it comes up later, I have no idea why I still have a job at this place, I'm an awful waitress. I'm klutzy, and have a lovely memory.

I'm having a bad night as usual, screwed up orders and completely forgotten about a table. Still wondering why after 2 months of this poo poo I haven't been fired yet.

In comes 6 person table, feature a wild tenderloin beast, 4 children working on their beast status and bless his heart the poor man who fathered those children. The tenderloin beast will obviously cause problems, therefore I am given the table.

First she tries to sit in a booth (open seating no hostess) our booths are not attached to the floor and can be moved away from the table. But they seat people on both sides. On the opposite side is a cranky old man who is having none of her poo poo and refuses to let her squish him up against the table.

The tenderloin beast mumbles something about fat shaming but seems to respect the old man so she moves to a table with chairs. To give you a picture of her size, she required two chairs to accommodate her butt shelf's girth. Yes the butt shelf, the part where the rear end can no longer contain the adipose and grows a shelf behind what used to be the glutes. It's rare, only seen in the most pear shaped of 500 pounders. Like a white rhino. (BTW she's wearing something resembling yoga pants with her rear end crack showing)

They order tenderloin sandwiches all around with double sides of onions rings and fat girl ketchup (ranch), and tenderloin beast gets 2 sandwiches along with a Mountain Dew, which she adds sugar packets too. Now I'm not sure everyone knows what a tenderloin sandwich is. I sure didn't until I moved to the cesspool known as the Midwest. Now I don't eat much meat; but from what I can tell, it's been deep fried with so much batter and covered in so much fat girl ketchup that it could either be a real pork tenderloin or pig scrotum. You really wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I have a very hard time hiding my revulsion when this monstrosity is ordered, and she ordered two.

Nearby table gets up to leave and I clean the dishes. Chocolate milk has been ordered but not consumed. I guess the patrons had lost their appetite upon seeing tenderloin beast. I stack the dishes like a retard balancing two plates awkwardly do to uneaten crusts with chocolate milk glass on top.

I maneuver behind tenderloin beast thinking

Don't drop it don't drop it

Her gravitational pull is too strong. My perilous balance is lost and the glass of chocolate milk spills down her back. The rear end crack gobbles it up.

But WHAT THE gently caress!!! Plot twist:

The beast doesn't notice. I guess the nerves in her butt shelf have died after years of torment. I breathe a sigh of relief maybe I'll get away with this.

Then her husband notices and points it out and the poo poo show begins.

YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE YOU FAT SHAMING oval office

THIS ISN'T CARRIE AND YOU CAN'T THROW THE FAT EQUIVALENT OF TAMPONS AT ME

I REFUSE TO LET MYSELF BE SHAMED BY THE LIKES OF YOU

YOU'RE NUTHIN BUT A BULLY THAT HATES FAT PEOPLE

PEOPLE LIKE YOU CAUSE EATING DISORDERS AND I PROBABLY WON'T EAT TOMORROW CAUSE OF YOU

I'm shaking bright red, terrified that I will get eaten and if I survive convinced I'm about to be fired. I'm not sure how to explain that no it was an honest accident. This state is in the top ten of obesity and mostly we get teddy bears and santa clauses who laugh and joke about how eating fried poo poo only adds to their plumpness.

Head waitress intervenes and tells them their meal will be free, (or rather out of my pay check) I apologize and get called a fat shaming oval office for the second time.

I get yelled at and told to leave, then white knight owner steps in and defends my mistake and tells me to use it as a learning experience. I walked to my car thinking I either appeased the anamadium gods or have the world's best karma.

tl;dr I suck at my job and get called a fat shaming oval office, told I'm causing an eating disorder and almost get fired from my job.