MC Hawking posted:

I know it's not exactly in the vein of this thread, nor am I a GiP poster (nor really affiliated with the armed forces at all save as someone who sells alcohol to servicemen); but as an individual who has chronicled and has a pretty hefty folder of the stories of notable posters on the SA forums it saddens me to hear that Humper Monkey passed.

50 Foot Ant posted:

awesomeness

quote:

Greene said he had stopped at his apartment with the girl on the way from Dairy Queen to a playground so she could use the bathroom and so he could find a pair of basketball shorts. But, in the taped interview, Greene said he took the girl’s clothes off in his bedroom to see if the spots had spread. He admitted holding her legs apart and touching her across most of her body, including possibly outside her vagina area, he said. He told the interviewer that he stopped when he heard the girl make a shrieking noise that made him realize she was uncomfortable.

Greene told the interviewer that he knew at that point he had done something “wrong and inappropriate” so he stopped examining the girl and they both left the apartment to go to the playground.

Frosted Flake posted:

Were there a lot of fatal accidents over in Europe?
I've heard a lot of stories about guys getting run over by AVGPs and trucks back when the Canadians were over there.

50 Foot Ant posted:

Words

Nyyen posted:

Are you sure this guy wasn't some kind of deep cover saboteur?

Martello posted:

Has anyone ever had a good black CO in a combat unit?

Serious question.

MC Hawking posted:

someone who sells alcohol to servicemen

50 Foot Ant posted:

Wasabi the J posted:

This should be an actual loving movie or TV show. This would be better than that bullshit "Enlisted" show.

Mr. Nice! posted:

This is the best thread on the forum right now because it linked me to Humper-Monkey stories and 50FA. Thanks!

friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:

it would probably end up like the audie murphy movie where they cut out a bunch of poo poo because the general public wouldn't believe it actually happened

Wasabi the J posted:

And yet "Jarjead" and "The Hurt Locker" gets mistaken for reality.

50 Foot Ant posted:

When I say "The Army did not give a gently caress about us" it isn't hyperbole. As far as the Army and DoD was concerned you were just a body to carry your loving equipment into battle.

Back then the Marines didn't have it much better. Rumor was that the reason the the Marines didn't have nametags on their uniforms is so you could just take the uniform off a dead guy and give it the next one. You'd ask a Marine, they'd just shrug and go "Yup" and you'd go on with work.

I don't know they got that 4 Hour poo poo, but I heard that poo poo up until 1995, although sometimes you'd hear a particularly fucktard NCO say it up till about 1997 when I got out. It was one of those constantly repeated things you just knew were bullshit, and every time you told someone to show you the loving reg they'd get all butthurt and yell.

Of course officers and senior NCO's didn't have to abide by that 4 hours of sleep when it was tough, just us PoS lower enlisted.

The accident rates happen when you give people poo poo for training, old rear end equipment, dangerous areas, and incompetent leadership.

On the average one of the corners in Wildflecken killed about 50-100 people each loving winter.

Plus, a M113 APC would roll if you hit a beer can on the corner. Those loving things killed a LOT of people.

Hell, half the corners you'd see had a picture of an M113 rolling over and the words "DANGER SLOW!"

Some of those M113's had been in service over 30 years. Ours had armor plating repairs, poo poo like that, and all showed heavy damage. They pretty much ditched the M113 as fast as they could as far as my experience went.

friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:

jarhead was pretty realistic in general if I recall correctly it's been a while

Wasabi the J posted:

And yet "Jarhead" and "The Hurt Locker" gets mistaken for reality.

Edit: my spanish fell out

Veins McGee posted:

Jarhead was based on a book written by a Marine. The details are off because of the film industry and the length of time between when the events happened and when the book was written.

Wasabi the J posted:

And yet "Jarhead" and "The Hurt Locker" gets mistaken for reality.

Edit: my spanish fell out

Wasabi the J posted:

(Three Kings?)

50 Foot Ant posted:

We usually learned to work around them. Officers you just blow sunshine up their rear end till you get it done so they can collect their medals and bragging rights about how hard their platoon works. NCO's you just do whatever stupid poo poo they blather on about until they go back to their air conditioning and then get poo poo done the right way.

Enlisted you send to handle a sealed box that's full of rocks, or do 'important' duties, or poo poo like that. There's a difference between the guy who's a fuckup back at garrison and can't seem to clean his room to save his life but out at the Site or in the field he's a loving rockstar or vice versa and an all around fuckup.

We had to be careful of fuckups because they could literally get you killed. Some of these guys I have no idea how they passed basic, much less out AIT.

I got handed off this one guy, Shampey the Stinky Samurai. He wasn't Asian, he just had that nickname because he had a bunch of katanas and wall scrolls and poo poo (This was 1988). I knew as soon as I got handed him that he was going to be trouble because he was given without a trade for one of my meat-heads, which meant trouble. Normally for a squad leader or crew leader to hand someone off it was a horse-trade and some hard haggling, but I got handed this complete and utter fuckup out of the blue over the weekend and I couldn't ask his previous crew leader about him because that crew had hosed off to their site.

First day he got on my bad side. We ran a NATO/FSTS site out by the 1K Zone, so work was loving work and you did that poo poo so we could hide out from the Chief. I told him to be at the motorpool the next day 0400 so we could roll early. 0430 rolls around, no Shampey, 0500 rolls around, no Shampey. I'm getting pissed off. I've got about 25 trailers of ammo hitting the site today and now I'm going to be late. I sent off everyone in the 5-ton and me and my driver went to look for him.

He's asleep in the Day Room.

Then he has to change. I was fine with a rumpled uniform. I never starched or pressed my work uniforms because it ruined the infra-red coating and who gives a poo poo if I'm wearing a starched uniform out at my Site? The loving Germans? The Soviet Union assholes? The goddamn rabbits? What does he show up in? One badly starched and horribly ironed uniform with what looked like dogshit down the back of one leg.

The trip out in the CUC-V (old Chevy Blazer for those of you who don't know) it smelled like a bag of hooker's assholes smeared with sour cream and left in the sun.

Shampey.

I gave him the 'lock box' to watch. Actually it was my 'test the new guy' box, since it was basically a .50 cal ammo box with a seal on it full of rocks.

This motherfucker lost it within an hour.

Eventually his fuckups got to the point I actually bothered to go back to group and request he be dropped to 55B so we didn't have to deal with him. I did this twice, but it got ignored until he hosed up during REFORGER 88 and our CO completely lost his poo poo.

This is what he did within 2 months.

• He backed a forklift out of a bunker with the forks all the way up and knocked off the backing. He damaged six forklifts in one week even though he'd been told over and over and over DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING I DON'T HAND YOU, YOU loving IDIOT!
  
• He loving signed for two trucks of ammo before they were inspected, meaning I had 2 trucks of 8" standard HE arty rounds instead of the FASCAMs I was supposed to get. That took two months and a CID investigation to clear up. (He wasn't authorized to sign for his own meals much less trucks of ammo)
  
• Told a loving 10 truck they could go ahead and go now and three loving trucks left with TOW-II rockets on them. Luckily their convoy leader inspected the trucks and found them before they left the site.
  
• He got in an argument with the mess-hall chief at Darmstadt, meaning we lost our cool deal with them till I smoothed things out. What was the argument over? Some loving comic called Elf Quest. They'd leave mermites for us out back with good hot food in it and I'd leave signed meal sheets there, and Stinky Samurai almost hosed it all up for us.
  
• He backed a CUC-V up and smashed the front of a German national's car then drove off. He wasn't licensed or allowed to drive the vehicles, he just didn't want to walk downrange.
  
• He couldn't put on a full environmental suit. He couldn't inspect someone else who had put one on. He couldn't recharge the tanks, nothing.
  
• He couldn't do maintenance on the full suits, the armored suits, the decon equipment, the detection equipment, or the standard suits.
  
• He failed his gas qualification out of Wildflecken because. he was. a moron.
  
• He pinned me between the back of a forklift and a stack of MRLS because. he was. a moron. He wasn't supposed to get in it, I was walking around behind it, with it shut down and forks on the ground, to check a clicking noise I was hearing (Some of the Hotel-104 MRLS pods made weird clicking noises and we didn't know why at the time, we were trying to figure it out). He got in the forklift and decided to 'help' me by starting it, backing up and pinning me. Then he ran away, leaving me pinned between a 6K forklift and a stock of pods.
  
• He mixed lot numbers on some 8" G series on the pad 'making them dress right dress' when he had been told to leave poo poo alone. We were pulling some out for shipment back to the States for destruction due to failure rates on internal canisters and they were supposed to be handled by hand instead of by fork once they were pulled from the bunker stacks, but NOOOO, Shampey the Samurai has to use the fork and stack them all together. rear end in a top hat.
  
• He'd mix lot-numbers and ammo types if he put them in the bunker unsupervised. He wasn't TOLD to put them in, he'd just 'help' by grabbing someone's forklift and start slamming ammo into the bunkers.
  
• He'd knock over stacks of ammo. We're talking 2-3 deep, 3-8 tall stacks that were being bunkered and he'd grab a forklift and hit them too too hard and drop them. Talk about hearing a noise that would make your rear end in a top hat slam shut.
  
• During REFORGER 88 he got put on Advance Party with the rest of us hammerheads. He was playing grab-rear end and pointing his weapon at people. He was told not to. He 'proved' it was unloaded by pulling the trigger. And shooting a guy from HQ Platoon right in the back. (That's what got him dropped to 55B)
  
• He didn't bathe or wash his uniforms. Now out at the Site you didn't get a chance to often and we weren't allowed to return to the barracks until the job was over, something that could take months sometimes, but at least we tried. We washed our uniforms in plastic buckets with water hoses, showered in the high pressure decon shower, poo poo like that. Shampey didn't even do that. By the end of a week he loving STUNK! I mean, I'll admit it, we all smelled back after a week or two because hand washing uniforms and bathing in a decon shower isn't the best, but at least we loving tried. He smelled worse than a goddamn compost pile in summer.
  
• He broke the brand new sight for the anti-material rifle by showing how 'he'd learned about it in basic and could have been a sniper'. We needed that loving rifle in case anything bad happened. Sure as poo poo we had an old FASCAM round that was all rusty break open and drop submunitions all over the road. EOD told us to blow it in place with the AMR. I was tempted to give him a loving butterknife and make him go down to take care of it but my assistant squad leader reminded me they called that murder.
  
• He tried to convince me to assign him the AMR because he 'shot expert and would have been sniper if...' and telling me that women couldn't shoot worth poo poo because he was jealous that I'd assigned it to 'a loving girl'. She had taken it apart for maintenance, went to take a piss, and he tried to put it back together and broke it. I about lost my poo poo, I had send two of my crew to go all the way to Fulda to get it repaired. Thank God 11th ACR was cool with us.
  
• He'd been told over and over and over not to use two of the pumps at Refueling Point 2, and what did he do? Used one of the pumps and caught the whole loving thing on fire. We almost lost the loving site because he ran the gently caress away and didn't tell anyone.
  
• If we left him uprange by himself he ate people's pogey bait. He read the paperwork and just dropped it on the floor when he was done reading a page.
  
• He'd bum smokes an if told no he'd pull a pack out of his pocket.
  
• Refused to answer the phones because 'that's the German guard's job!!!' and almost got us strike packaged while we were dealing with a fire he'd started downrange.
  
• His third fire in two weeks spread into the 1K Zone and I had to write up an international incident report because he was hiding in the grass smoking a cigarette and tossed it.
  
• He put two of my crew in the hospital by doing what I had expressly warned him not to. He sent me to the hospital when we were stacking 104's and when I reached in to set the rubber pod foot right to match up with the top pegs he reached into the forklift, despite there being a driver in it, and lowered the pod, pinning my arm in there.
  
• He almost opened a bunker door on a contaminated bunker that we were waiting for orders to decon and destroy. A bunker that got contaminated because of his stupid poo poo of not knowing what the gently caress he was doing and putting poo poo in badly and making the whole loving stack collapse, rupturing some mortar rounds and.... goddamn it STILL burns me up 20 years later to think of it.
  
• When we were getting reinspected by the NATO team he walked around with his hat on backwards and his hands in his pockets. He made "French are cowards" jokes to the French inspector.
  
• I told him to do inventory on a specific loving list of bunkers (all conventional rounds not even his dumbass could gently caress up) and he went into other bunkers (to make sure they'd been inventoried, like his E-1 rear end had any authority) and saw that some nuke rounds hadn't been inspected in almost 6 months, so he started doing it himself. That's a 2 man job, with shielding, and suited up. Luckily we caught him before he did much more than open the first round up. Christ, seeing him bang on the loving internals of that round with a goddamn WRENCH about gave me a heart attack.

We were so chronically under-strength that command thought it was better to keep someone like that. (Good ol' Cold War IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS! RAWR! Bullshit) He was a loving menace and a fuckup, but they kept him around until he almost killed a man in front of the whole loving unit.

More than once I made him carry a mop at right shoulder arms and march around the stacks of wooden pallets reciting poo poo. I HATED that motherfucker and kept trying to get command to chapter his rear end or drop him but because we were understrength they wanted to keep him.

By the time 4 months were over I hated that motherfucker so bad I can't even explain it. Ever heard the phrase "I hated him with the burning passion of a thousand suns"? Yeah, that was nothing compared to how badly I hated that motherfucker. I even tried 'wall to wall counseling' twice on him and turned a blind eye when the rest of the crew tuned his rear end up downrange. I mean, I tried everything: counseling, retraining, mentoring, everything before I just started having his rear end beat. I used to fantasize about stabbing his stupid rear end.

For the last month before REFORGER we'd just leave him at Group when we left. We'd just tell him to be there at 0400/0500, he'd be in his room, and we'd just roll out without him. He made himself such a nuisance and a fuckup back at Group that they'd call us to come get him and we'd just laugh and hang up the phone. Seriously, gently caress the Stinky Samurai. He could sit in his loving room, read Elf Quest, and jerk off with his katanas. Oh God, and he'd go on and on and on about how wonderful Japan was. This dude was ahead of his time.

Now for funny idiots:

• We had butterbar who, during Wed Training, used a real decon kit instead of a practice on his face and hands.
  
• We had a brand new E-5 to our unit who was sent out to one of the hot-sites and nobody knows what he did to piss everyone out there off but they locked him in a bunker for 2 days. This guy was reportedly a grade-A fuckup. At ARTEP 89 he tried to 'prove' you could drink from the non-potable water buffalo and loving poisoned himself. He fell headfirst into a foxhole once and everyone ignored him. He tried to tell me what I needed to do to get my crew to be more proper military, I ignored him. He stole a CUC-V and drove to Wildflecken to buy booze and then wrecked the vehicle on the way back then tried to blame it on an E-2 who wasn't even present.
  
• I saw a tanker trying to link together two half-expended belts of .50 by banging on the a round with another round. Dipshit blew off two of his fingers and his thumb.
  
• This idiot we had at Fort Hood didn't pay attention to the "live mic, clear!" warning when someone keyed the new SINCGARS radio in the humvee and almost killed himself AFTER we'd been warned about it.
  
• There's always 'that guy' who plays with the atropine and 2PAMChloride stickers and rams a needle through his hand. Always.
  
• Once I was the idiot and was mixing chem-light in my drinks all night. I threw up amazing things.
  
• Whole units that said 'hurr, it's the desert, it doesn't get cold at night!' and deployed to Desert Storm without any cold weather gear or even stoves for their tents. Of course, that meant they were always screaming for cold weather poo poo. The worse ones about this were the infantry units who screamed that because they were infantry they deserved it over everyone else, even the medical units, and would scream at us when we hauled it out because we were tasked with that stupid poo poo.
  
• My unit put me in charge of a team that took small loads of ammo to units that didn't justify a full convoy and there was ALWAYS some guy who tried throwing his rank/unit at me to demand other unit's few boxes of ammunition and tried to get in a pissing contest with me. Some people can't comprehend that my list says you get EXACTLY four boxes of .45 Ball and that. is. it. Arguing with me will just make me put it back on the truck and leave you with NO ammo. Because you gently caress you, bullet catcher. I'll trade it to the Marines, they at least act nice when you give them free ammo.
  
• This one is all of the DoD. Back when Desert Storm started some genius in charge of Class V decided that nobody needed .45 rounds, turns out that 1/2 the units deployed hadn't upgraded to the M-9 and we had just poo poo-loads of 9mm ammo, but no .45. We called back to Group, had them pull .45 from the cold-sites and arranged for shipping, and some rear end in a top hat up at DoD tried repeatedly to stop the shipment. Whoever that idiot was, they almost sent an entire division out with no sidearm ammunition just so they didn't have to admit they hosed up from the get-go. It was all one guy, we managed to figure that out, but we could never get a handle on him. He worked at the Pentagon and more than a few guys said that after the war they were going to kick that guy's rear end.
  
• Had an E-7 who told my drawdown crew that I was being 'a little bitch' and that there was nothing to be afraid of out at a clandestine ammo dump in CONUS and just walked into a bunker without any protective gear. Yeah. Turned out the bunker had been used to store decommissioned rounds and he got a nice dose of radiation. Dumb gently caress.
  

I saw so many fuckups, idiots, and just goddamn ate-up lunchmeat Larrys while I was in. I don't know what you guys have to deal with nowadays, but you'll see in the next five or ten years once the wars are over that there will be these seriously hosed up guys who are compensating for the fact they never got deployed by being goddamn caricatures. We used to call it "The Vietnam Problem", these guys who didn't go to Vietnam or came in afterwards that just hosed up everything they loving touched.

Then Desert Storm stopped the drawdown, and gave some of these people reasons to stay in or made them worse. The post Desert Storm Drawdown was a loving cluster gently caress. People like me didn't give a poo poo, either they'd put us out or they wouldn't, but you could tell the guys who were fuckups, they KNEW the military was going to put them out so they were doing everything they could to validate them staying in, which led them to getting involved in poo poo they should have NEVER been involved in. But because they were fuckup lifers they knew all the right people and could get assigned to poo poo they could fuckup.

My personal favorite about idiots is and always will be this loving Captain from 1st Cavalry.

We were sling loading ammo in the dark and light drizzle because of REASONS back in 93 and he'd come up to 'supervise' us moving this poo poo at night via helicopter. He showed up in the middle of the transfer operations and told us we needed to hurry things up. If someone starts talking about 'you need to hurry up' you know that it's going to go sideways on you.

So the helicopter comes in, we had the cargo netted and ready, the poo poo-Hook was dropping down the cargo hook, and I told one of my crew to hit the hook with the static pole. The Captain, who obviously knew about everything since he'd 'been in this man's Army for fifteen years and First Cav for ten!' told me to quit being such a baby, quit being such a pussy, act like a loving man, be a real NCO, and just hook it up.

I told him to do it himself if he knew everything about it. So he grabbed the cargo ring with his bare hands, went up there, and tried to slap it onto the cargo hook.

Now, if you have your Air Assault badge, or have done helicopter sling-load, or have refueled/rearmed helicopters, you know what was wrong.

See, helicopters generate HUGE amounts of static electricity. The fuckers hold a MAJOR charge.

So Captain Wonderful has a metal ring in his hand. The hook is metal. The hook is attached to the helicopter by a metal cable. The ground is wet. The Captain is wet.

Slap. ZAAAAP!

Kills that motherfucker outright. He didn't even get a chance to scream.

My assistant squad leader turns to my work crew and says, completely deadpan: "What did we learn?"

Is it wrong that it still makes me laugh?

Martello posted:

Has anyone ever had a good black CO in a combat unit?

Serious question.

Wasabi the J posted:

I REDACT MY STATEMENT ABOUT JARHEAD AFTER RE-WATCHING IT CRITICALLY.

(Three Kings?)

anne frank fanfic posted:

You killed a man and your post was long and boring too and kept going on and on and it was real bad. And you killed a man in real life or like to make it seem like you did by typing about how you killed a man on the internet.