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Benny the Snake posted:I've been a library page before and I had fun. I a little compulsive when it comes to books: I'm constantly arranging them when I'm browsing through them in a library. When I worked at a public library, we had 'volunteers' who did this, but we didn't call them pages; we called them a pain in the rear end (one guy's idea of reorganising was to put the books in size order. Another would go along and pull one book out just slightly, push in the next one just slightly, line up the third with the first, &c., for a nice saw-tooth design along rows of stacks.)
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Mar 6, 2014 06:38
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Starter Wiggin posted:In mine, it involves some poo poo rear end ring. But YMMV. Great, now I want to read a 1200 page epic of Benny the Snak as ringbearer. I mean COULD YOU IMAGINE
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Mar 6, 2014 06:47
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sauron's mightiest army lays defeated to the last orc. walking amongst the rubble and the corpses is a single man pushing a battered shopping cart, desperately scanning the horizon for the entrance to a Target store that never was
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Mar 6, 2014 06:56
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Goddamn where has this thread been all my life? We sure owe a debt of gratitude to Benny the String or snake or snack or whatever. The comedy never ends!
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Mar 6, 2014 06:59
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snortpocket posted:Great, now I want to read a 1200 page epic of Benny the Snak as ringbearer. Benbo took a small shopping cart with a leather child's seat. It would have made a roller skate for a troll, but it was as good as a wagon for the goon. Being the work of Elvish smiths in the Elder Days, these carts shone with a cold light, if the bumpers of any sedans were near at hand. "I will give you a name," he said to it, "and I shall call you Target."
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Mar 6, 2014 07:00
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Ms Boods posted:When I worked at a public library, we had 'volunteers' who did this, but we didn't call them pages; we called them a pain in the rear end (one guy's idea of reorganising was to put the books in size order. Another would go along and pull one book out just slightly, push in the next one just slightly, line up the third with the first, &c., for a nice saw-tooth design along rows of stacks.) Hey now OCD is a real problem and people with OCD need real jobs too, like pushing a shopping cart and lying or something. Benny, have you ever thought of being a politician? Sounds right up your alley. You get to lie for a living! My pops always said, "Do what you love, love what you do." The Republicans are waiting, Benny.
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Mar 6, 2014 07:02
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Sigma-X posted:Benbo took a small shopping cart with a leather child's seat. It would have made a roller skate for a troll, but it was as good as a wagon for the goon. Being the work of Elvish smiths in the Elder Days, these carts shone with a cold light, if the bumpers of any sedans were near at hand. This is starting to turn into a Joe Dirt/LOTR crossover. I like it.
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Mar 6, 2014 07:04
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Goons: Benny! Benny: I'm here, Goons. Goons: Lose the comics, get a job! [Benny holds the comics over the edge of the pit] Goons: Go on! Now! Fill the applications. Get the interviews! [Benny stares at the comics, the comics whisper to him] Goons: What are you waiting for? Just let them go! [Benny turns and looks at Goons] Benny: The books are mine. I am a writer. [He begins to read Creative Convention] Goons: No... no... [Benny posts in the Thunderdome and vanishes] Sam: NO!
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Mar 6, 2014 08:31
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Benny has managed to make "this sucks" look like a man of action compared to him.
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Mar 6, 2014 09:17
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crabrock posted:In my world a fellowship often means money. You lying sack of crabrock! Clearly Benny was a fellow of another stripe, which explains the library, the lit degree, the dreams of professorial excellence, and all such. He's just researching us, throwing out bait to check our reactions, then writing a massive thesis on it. We'll all be sorry when we turn up as test subjects in some dusty footnote.
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Mar 6, 2014 10:02
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Uncle Salty posted:Dying laughing that the six week volunteer canvassing position went from "internship" on page one to a "fellowship" on page 106. From the way Benny has described the position, he's exaggerating by calling it as an "internship", too. It sounds like he was a garden variety campaign volunteer and he's gotten hung up on jargon which has absolutely no relevance to his actual volunteer experiences. It kind of bothers me that Benny considers himself a word-smith but has no real concept of the difference between spinning something in the best possible light and outright lying. Words - and especially industry jargon - have meanings. You're not going to be perceived as "creative" if you bend the accepted usage of words in a professional setting - you're going to be perceived as a liar.
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Mar 6, 2014 10:47
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Sigma-X posted:Benbo took a small shopping cart with a leather child's seat. It would have made a roller skate for a troll, but it was as good as a wagon for the goon. Being the work of Elvish smiths in the Elder Days, these carts shone with a cold light, if the bumpers of any sedans were near at hand. 
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Mar 6, 2014 10:49
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The next five posts should just be this
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Mar 6, 2014 11:34
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While our sales may be safe, you sure won't be able to keep them a secret! :iamafag:
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Mar 6, 2014 12:01
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What can Benny do against such reckless hate?
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Mar 6, 2014 12:28
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I just spent the last two days reading this thread while sick in bed. Best. Sick days. Ever.
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Mar 6, 2014 12:45
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buteruc posted:I just spent the last two days reading this thread while sick in bed. I'd bet money you accomplished more in those two days than Benny has in the last year.
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Mar 6, 2014 12:49
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t3h z0r posted:Granted I would love to come back to this thread 5 years from now and see that nothing has changed. Unless 'tax shuts up shop within that time, I'm pretty sure your wish will be granted.
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Mar 6, 2014 12:59
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Tequila Sunrise posted:I'd bet money you accomplished more in those two days than Benny has in the last year. eh, not sure. I watched Sons of Anarchy and bought some nail polish. Basically I've been a fat lump of uselessness. Then again, my PhD thesis is receiving corrections at the moment, so I can't do much. I think Benny and I have a lot in common. We're both from SoCal, we both majored in English Lit as undergrads, and we both like tacos. Man, I'd kill for a good taco.
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Mar 6, 2014 13:04
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buteruc posted:I think Benny and I have a lot in common. buteruc posted:my PhD thesis
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Mar 6, 2014 13:44
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Someone a while back pointed out that he didn't exactly lie to us about getting fired from Target, but he said he was working two jobs when he didn't even have one, by another timeline (that he posted).
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Mar 6, 2014 13:59
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haha fair. Did we establish that Benny doesn't have a driver's license, in addition to not having a car? Or is it just the car issue? It IS a pain in the rear end to get around Ontario/Chino without a car.
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Mar 6, 2014 14:51
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Benny is like Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski minus any of the charisma he had/has.
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Mar 6, 2014 15:36
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Sotar posted:Benny is like Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski minus any of the charisma he had/has. Yeah well that's just like, your opinion, man.
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Mar 6, 2014 16:02
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Potential jobs 4 our man Benny 1. Toll booth attendant 2. Parking garage attendant 3. Gas station cashier 4. Night watchman as long as no criminals ever show up 5. Box boy at Costco/Sam's Club 6. Night shift stocker at grocery store 7. Talent scout for Cleveland Browns 8. Talent scout for Houston Astros 9. US Ambassador to Somalia 10. Guy who refills the water glasses at a nice restaurant
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Mar 6, 2014 16:20
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Arian_Samurai posted:Potential jobs 4 our man Benny I think we should continue this list as long as possible and let Benny know we're working hard for him! 11. Guy who holds the boom mic in pornos 12. Valet attendant for high school proms if they have those 13. Cook at Chicken Express or KFC or Church's 14. Guy who assembles the wheelbarrows at the hardware store 15. Busboy at Applebee's 16. Septic tank technician AKA poop-pumper 17. Guy who actually goes INSIDE septic tanks 18. Night janitor in hospital psych ward 19. Editor for whoever publishes those godawful 50 Shades books 20. Drug dealer
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Mar 6, 2014 16:28
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21. Professional Forums Post Writer
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Mar 6, 2014 16:34
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The Saddest Rhino posted:21. Professional Forums Post Writer please don't. this field is crowded enough.
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Mar 6, 2014 16:36
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Benny have you considered trying to get a certification in something. You can buy a book for a CCNA cert and do it yourself in your own house. Then you pay money and take a test. Once you have a cert you can get a job in the IT industry.
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Mar 6, 2014 16:37
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Magnus Gallant posted:Then you pay money and take a test. I don't think you've thought this through.
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Mar 6, 2014 16:40
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22. Guy who cleans out the porta johns after music festivalsMagnus Gallant posted:Benny have you considered trying to get a certification in something. You can buy a book for a CCNA cert and do it yourself in your own house. I think it's a long shot to expect a guy who can't manage to follow instructions while cooking zucchini to figure out IP subnetting and STP on his own. Maybe start with A+ or Network+ Extra Large Marge fucked around with this message at 16:44 on Mar 6, 2014 |
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Mar 6, 2014 16:42
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Arian_Samurai posted:22. Guy who cleans out the porta johns after music festivals 23. Crash test dummy 24. Rodeo clown 25. Clown 26. Government paperwork guy 27. Random guy you see at places who is shining shoes
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Mar 6, 2014 16:50
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life is killing me posted:I think we should continue this list as long as possible and let Benny know we're working hard for him! "Why does everyone in this video seem to have a black eye? Is this a new fetish thing?"
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Mar 6, 2014 17:11
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Magnus Gallant posted:Once you have a cert you can get a job in the IT industry. The most basic IT helpdesk role requires a high aptitude for executive functioning. You're basically a technology receptionist. The technology in and of itself is the easiest part of the job. The trickier part for me was being able to cover every single angle, in order to make sure everything went off without a hitch. If someone calls in and says they need an overhead projector for a 10:30 meeting on Thursday, it's not just a matter of showing up on Thursday, hooking up the projector and leaving. First and foremost, you need to make sure you have access to the conference room. What if the door is locked, when you get there? What if you need to get a hold of a security guard to let you in? Who knows, you might need to get security involved and make sure someone is there to let you in a half hour before the meeting, so you can have enough time to set up and test. You have to look at the situation and be able to say to yourself "Ok, Cindy called requesting the projector. Lemme see who Cindy is. The employee database says she's the administrative assistant for the VP of marketing. I should probably confirm whether or not she's doing the presentation, or if the VP of marketing is doing the presentation and she's just calling on behalf of him. Why does it matter? Because Cindy and the VP could potentially have two different computers. I need to figure out who is conducting the presentation, because I need to figure out what computer they'll be using, in order to be sure they have a VGA connection. If they have HDMI or DVI, I'll need an adapter. If I were to overlook all of this, there would be a 50/50 chance of me, the VP of marketing and the whole IT department looking like a bunch of assholes, who can't even connect a projector to a laptop." By the time it's all said and done, a (would be) simple, 5 minute job wound up taking an hour, in total. PS: You'd be lucky to have a boss who teaches you to think like this. Such train of thought is the baseline for employment, in general. Typically, it's expected that you're experienced enough to know all this on your own. Benny can't even give us an hourly breakdown of an average day, let alone schedule appointments, follow up, etc. cname fucked around with this message at 17:35 on Mar 6, 2014 |
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Mar 6, 2014 17:22
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if it turns out benny is a registered sex offender this entire thread is worth it
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Mar 6, 2014 17:29
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Grin and Tonic posted:if it turns out benny is a registered sex offender this entire thread is worth it This entire thread is worth it anyway, but him being a sex offender becomes the icing on the cake and rules out the possibility of him getting a job as the guy who holds the boom mic in pornos. But that leaves being a clown right up his alley, as long as he isn't a kids' birthday party clown.
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Mar 6, 2014 17:32
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Please don't refer to someone being a registered sex offender as being the icing on anything
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Mar 6, 2014 19:13
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Croc Monster posted:I don't think you've thought this through. He's got his "nest egg" that's not really a nest egg that he can use to take the cert test though, so there's that.
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Mar 6, 2014 19:23
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Zedd posted:Benny has managed to make "this sucks" look like a man of action compared to him. Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back here. At least Benny doesn't wake up smiling and giggling to himself about a friendly co-worker. ...Then again, this does mean that thissucks had a job.
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Mar 6, 2014 19:30
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Sotar posted:Benny is like Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski minus any of the charisma he had/has. Well yeah the charisma but also having friends, and having hobbies, and leaving the house, and not living with mom, and getting laid occasionally, and having been part of a historically significant social movement, and not graduating from a lovely junior college, and having a nice rug that ties the room together.
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Mar 6, 2014 19:37
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