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Once when I was a small child, my mother took me with her to go grocery shopping. From my perch on the top part of the buggy I would reach out to strangers and ask them to "please help me  "A few months ago, my five year old nephew kept bugging me to play a Mario game on the Wii. His response to me telling him I'm busy? "Play Mario with me or I'll kill you" 
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May 9, 2014 11:24
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My kid names all his stuff Bear Spit. He thinks its really edgy.
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May 9, 2014 11:51
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Had one of those moments yesterday where I'm struggling not to laugh so she doesn't repeat the behavior, but my daughter who's 4 about killed me last night. I put on Dora for her while I was cooking dinner and it was one of those scenes where Dora asks if you can spot something on the screen. Apparently Dora was taking too long for my kids liking. TV: Can you see the [whatever it was]? Daughter: It's in the ocean! TV: Do you see it? Daughter: drat IT DORA I SAID IT'S IN THE OCEAN! TV: You found it! Pretty sure she heard me laughing before I came into the living room to tell her that kind of language isn't ok while trying to conceal a smile.
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May 9, 2014 20:22
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I asked my son to get my shoes for me so we could go out and he brings them to me and he goes "heres your loving shoes daddy!" Just as happy as he could be about it. I tried to see if he was saying funky or something. But best I could figure out, they are loving shoes.
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May 10, 2014 07:37
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My youngest nephew asked whether I liked skeletons or zombies, so I told him I liked both. Then he told me he also liked the "Boaf" and how they had no arms or legs, but a really big mouth and sharp teeth. So we played a game where we were running away from the boafs as Superman and Batman and it was pretty rad.
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May 10, 2014 08:49
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I'm over at my friend's house and his two-year-old has this tiny little Spongebob toy, like she probably got it out of a vending machine, and she's putting it in her hand and then cupping her other hand over it and going "WHERE DID IT GO?" then removing her top hand and grinning, so I figured she's doing a magic trick and when she comes up to me and says "WHERE DID IT GO?" I act all amazed and say I don't know, and she opens her hands and goes "It's in my hand.  "
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May 10, 2014 19:30
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InediblePenguin posted:I'm over at my friend's house and his two-year-old has this tiny little Spongebob toy, like she probably got it out of a vending machine, and she's putting it in her hand and then cupping her other hand over it and going "WHERE DID IT GO?" then removing her top hand and grinning, so I figured she's doing a magic trick and when she comes up to me and says "WHERE DID IT GO?" I act all amazed and say I don't know, and she opens her hands and goes "It's in my hand. 'Is Peek-A-Boo pussifying a generation? Tonight on Fox News'
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May 10, 2014 23:00
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falconry posted:My youngest nephew asked whether I liked skeletons or zombies, so I told him I liked both. Then he told me he also liked the "Boaf" and how they had no arms or legs, but a really big mouth and sharp teeth. So we played a game where we were running away from the boafs as Superman and Batman and it was pretty rad. Did you ask why Batman and Superman were running away instead of trying to save anyone else?
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May 12, 2014 03:54
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My 3 year old niece: "I love you and you're my best friend!" "Oh yeah? What's my name?""You're That Boy."
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May 12, 2014 04:02
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Dr. MonkeyThunder posted:Did you ask why Batman and Superman were running away instead of trying to save anyone else? Perhaps we weren't the heroes that Gotham needed nor deserved? 
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May 12, 2014 04:56
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Dr. MonkeyThunder posted:Did you ask why Batman and Superman were running away instead of trying to save anyone else? Have you seen a Boaf!? Even the superest or batest of men would be afraid.
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May 12, 2014 06:37
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falconry posted:no arms or legs, but a really big mouth
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May 12, 2014 08:52
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falconry posted:My youngest nephew asked whether I liked skeletons or zombies, so I told him I liked both. Then he told me he also liked the "Boaf" and how they had no arms or legs, but a really big mouth and sharp teeth. So we played a game where we were running away from the boafs as Superman and Batman and it was pretty rad. Well, just looked up what a Boaf it, sure doesn't have any arms or legs. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Boaf
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May 12, 2014 14:08
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My cousin used to call my dad "That Dave" Instead of uncle or anything else. One year my family vacationed to the beach and my dad bought and set off some fireworks. My cousin was probably 3 at the time and for a few years after we'd say "What does That Dave do?" and he'd say "BOOM!!!!" 
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May 13, 2014 18:13
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I'm playing Dark Souls 2 when my 8 year old daughter walks in and starts watching. "You're going to die."
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May 13, 2014 19:02
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Krispy Kareem posted:I'm playing Dark Souls 2 when my 8 year old daughter walks in and starts watching. Well, she's right.
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May 14, 2014 01:48
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Krispy Kareem posted:I'm playing Dark Souls 2 when my 8 year old daughter walks in and starts watching. Sorta reminds me of several years back when Star Wars: Battlefront II was new-ish and I was playing single-player. My cousin, probably about 7 or 8 years old at the time, was watching me play when suddenly he says, after a few minutes of silence, "WGS? ... I hope nobody chokes you." It took me a few seconds of extreme discomfort before I remembered a conversation we had several minutes earlier about the Force Choke power in the game. 
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May 14, 2014 01:56
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I was introducing my 6 year old cousin to Mario 3 and she was doing really well until she died and said "Oh no! I noodled it!" I don't know if it's from a TV show or if she made it up, but it struck me as such a perfect way to express a minor screw-up that I've adopted it.
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May 14, 2014 16:49
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I have a two-year-old niece that I very frequently babysit. I've ruined her through my interactions with her, as the last time we went for a car ride, she said she wantes to listen to rock. I smiled and acquiesced. She didn't want just any rock, though, she wanted German rock. I put on Megaherz for her. Then she threw up the horns.  Also, she figured out how to use the child safety locks in the kitchen, and she actually explained to her daddy how they worked.
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May 14, 2014 19:59
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Earlier today I was babysitting my cousin's five year old twins. To keep this mind-safe, let's just say I have some GI issues that can go from "Am I about to have an issue?" to "Danger!" in an instant. So I'm playing with one of the kids when I have one of those moments. I steer the kid to my girlfriend and as I get up, I unthinkingly say to myself "Danger, danger, danger" in my worst Steve Irwin impression before walking to the washroom. I didn't hear it, but my girlfriend asked the kid what I was doing. The kid's response? "He's taking the Danger Poo!"
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May 14, 2014 22:19
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Just now: Good Morning Three Year Old! Did you have a nice sleep? Yeah, Mommy! C'mon Tic Tacs, let's go get breakfast!Kid loves his Tic Tacs. On kids and music, he also loves his "Nime Inch Nails". 
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May 15, 2014 13:56
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Bad Skeleton posted:I was introducing my 6 year old cousin to Mario 3 and she was doing really well until she died and said "Oh no! I noodled it!" Mr Noodle is from Elmo's World, and he screws up everything. My kids would rather see me die in a video game then succeed, when they see me play something it's always "you're going to die" then if I don't they try to urge me to die. "Jump over there, hit that thing", "No if I do that I will die", "I know... Doooooooo it." They are jerks.
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May 15, 2014 15:38
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My husband and I went out for some brunch at iHop. Seated next to us was a child (3 yo) and his mother. The mother was distracted on her phone and the little boy kept trying to get her attention. "Mommy, mommy, mommmmmyyyyyy!?" No response. "Are we going to Walmart?" Still no response. "Can we go to Walmart?" This exchange went on a solid ten minutes. The mom, still on her phone, flagged down the waitress for the check and promptly paid as it appeared she was in a hurry. On their way out, my husband and I could faintly hear the kiddo say "yyyyaaayyyy Walmart".You go little man 
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May 15, 2014 16:28
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One year for my birthday, my co-worker came up with a great idea for a present for me and asked his kids to make me a story. His then 6-year-old came up with this: "Okay. This is a story about a baby whose eye was on his nose, and his nose was on his head, and he told his mom never to say no. It was 'Barber Baby' - he could cut someone's hair without using scissors. He would bite the hair off and spit it in the garbage. And you know what else? Barber Baby can blow bubbles out of his nose." It was one of the most awesome and scary presents I've ever gotten, because Barber Baby sounds terrifying.
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May 15, 2014 16:40
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Lap-Lem posted:Mr Noodle is from Elmo's World, and he screws up everything. Then the kids slap the controller out of my hand and ask me if I even lift.
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May 15, 2014 17:12
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My six year old son. : You're gonna die. : What? Why?: Because you're getting old.: I'm not that old.: Yeah, but you keep getting older. Every time you have a birthday, you just get closer and closer to dying.
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May 19, 2014 00:56
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May 19, 2014 02:35
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A little girl on the bus today: :"Daddy farts. Daddy farts all day long."
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May 19, 2014 05:53
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My niece used to have a really cute speech impediment. Strawberries were "fwawbewwies" and Grandpa was "Fwampa". Fwampa has fwawbewwies. Also, my husband used to babysit her a lot, and they listened to a lot of the jazz station on Sirius. He used to be able to point at her and say, "How do you sing the blues?" And she would close her eyes and go "BAY-behhhh".
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May 19, 2014 06:09
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Just heard in my office: Little girl is running around touching everything. Mom: You're acting up. 6yo girl: I'm not acting up, I'm acting like a perfect angel!  *runs*
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May 23, 2014 15:41
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Took our daughter to an aquarium, and they had this rockpool display that you could put your hand in, there were anenomes, little fish, etc. She wouldn't go near it, and kept saying that the fish would bite her. Nothing we said would change her mind. Oh well, on we went. It wasn't until driving back with her CD on, playing '12345 once I caught a fish alive', and when it got to 'Why did you let it go? Because it bit my finger so' she shouted out 'See Daddy! Fish DO bite! It says so in nursery rhymes!' and sulked all the way home.
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May 23, 2014 21:23
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Kid running around in my store today, picked up a fake apple decoration. "This looks like a berry!" So close, little guy.
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May 24, 2014 02:49
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We have super cheap $19 cellphones for sale at the supermarket I work at. A family with two children come into my aisle and the younger boy (about 6?) is complaining to his dad, annoyed that his older sister got a phone. : Why does [sister's name] get a phone? Can I have one?: No, it's another $20.: No it's not, it's $19!: You're not getting a phone today.: Who died...who died and let you make the rules?Sorry kid, no phone for you.
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Jun 4, 2014 09:19
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Overheard a couple Elementary School kids playing truth or dare. One kid picked Truth. The question was, "when was a time you broke your mother's heart?" And the other kid answered with, without skipping a beat, "when I was born". I had to laugh at that one.
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Jun 6, 2014 19:55
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Double post time because there's another anecdote I don't want to forget about. When my daughter was three, she'd get terrible night terrors. One such time she slept walked to my room and started screaming, crying and ranting about wanting a rainbow. Nothing I did or said would console her and I grew increasingly frantic trying to snap her out of it. I finally decided to take her to the bathroom (mostly so her screams wouldn't wake the rest of the household) and as soon as she relieved herself, she was good to go. It was like nothing ever happened. I told her what happened in the morning and we decided that from now on, "I need to go rainbow" would be our secret code for "I gotta pee!" Potty humor is the best humor. Another time when she was even younger than three, she used to refer to tooting in the toilet as "feeding it a snack". Subsequently, giving it urine was to quench its thirst and the big ole number 2 was feeding it a meal. I bet she imagined it was an actual living thing which is actually kind of terrifying when you think about it.
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Jun 6, 2014 20:04
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We just moved across the country. On a potty stop, I brought my kid into a stall and he pooped and then I peed. As I started peeing, he flipped his lid and started screaming about me peeing on his poo. When I finished he had calmed down and he said "wow daddy your winky is gigantic!"
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Jun 6, 2014 21:13
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My half-brother, who our dad hadn't seen or talked to in years until they reconciled earlier this year, brought his whole family to a family gathering recently and Dad's side of the family got to meet his wife and kids. My dad fell right into the grandpa role, particularly taken with the adorable six-year-old granddaughter he finally got to meet. So at the end of the day, he told her how glad he was that he got to meet her. She told him that he had a white hair growing out of his nose.
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Jun 7, 2014 12:12
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My husband and I took our daughter out to a place we told her was somewhere special, someplace secret. We took her to an animal shelter and when we were done petting and playing with the animals, she angrily turned to me and screamed, "THIS IS MY SURPRISE!?!? NO DOG!?!"
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Jun 8, 2014 19:58
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She has a point. Is that actually a thing people do, visit the shelter just to pet the animals like its a zoo? Usually you go with the intention of possibly taking one home with you.
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Jun 8, 2014 20:19
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| # ? May 17, 2024 02:01 |
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IAmNotYourRealDad posted:My husband and I took our daughter out to a place we told her was somewhere special, someplace secret. We took her to an animal shelter and when we were done petting and playing with the animals, she angrily turned to me and screamed, "THIS IS MY SURPRISE!?!? NO DOG!?!" She's totally right, what the gently caress? Not only did you get her hopes up, you also got the hopes up of those poor critters. When you take her to a petting zoo she knows she's just visiting and not taking one home with her, but take her to an animal shelter, you know, that place people go to take home an animal, it's cruel to give her the expectation and not doing what she learned and expects to be done at that place, namely, take one home with her. Seriously, what the gently caress?
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Jun 8, 2014 20:44
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