GNU Order posted:

Like once a month I think about buying an N64 and a bunch of games and living the childhood I could never have, but then I realize that's really dumb and I just go spend that money on pears and weed

Kavak posted:

In honor of Thanksgiving, could someone please post or link that story about a package deliveryman or something who got attacked and chased by a turkey for a whole block? It ended with the bird attacking everything else at the intersection he stopped at and the words "gently caress that turkey".

quote:

ASSAULTED BY A TURKEY IN SUBURBIA

Now I am a pretty calm guy and not many things would cause me to support the mass slaying of an entire species but to this day I have a bit of satisfaction every time I eat a turkey sandwich.

I was working at Just Pizza, a franchise of pizzerias in the Buffalo region as a delivery guy. When we receive our order we get slip with the address, the order, the price, and if needed any extra information. I pick up my route and start the deliveries as normal. On my last delivery before I head back to the shop I notice the slip has "Beware of the Turkey" written on it. Odd.

I pull up to the house and walk up the driveway. As I approach a very nervous looking woman meets me at the porch and ushers me into the screened awning and pays for the order while looking around. She obviously wasn't kidding when she wanted to avoid said turkey. "So you see the Turkey?" she asks. I kind of grinned and said no. I wasn't sure if she was kidding or crazy. She smiles, tips me (quite well) and enters the house. I turn around and head back to my car.

Standing there near the hood of my car with the gaze of a gunfighter at high noon was Mr. Turkey. I don't know exactly what I did to insult this turkey but he looked at me like I was the six fingered man in The Princess Bride. I tried to strafe calmly towards the driver door while trying not to excite the turkey. As I got closer he let out a turkey war cry and charged after me. I ran in a tight circle around my car and dove into the passenger side door and slammed it shut. As he reached the door he unleashed a flurry of pecks at the glass and paint of my car. As soon as a could I hopped into the driver seat and gunned it out of the driveway. "poo poo, that was crazy!" I thought to myself under the impression the ordeal was over.

Red light. I was stuck in traffic not 20 yards away from the house and Mr. Turkey had chased me down the road. Imagine the confusion of the other cars trapped along with me as this deranged bird was jumping and pecking all over my car. Shortly after I had stopped an old woman pulled up behind me and managed to incite the rage of the turkey. He turned and jumped on her hood. I swear she must have shat her pants because she drove around me and blew the stop light with the turkey on the hood of her car. She hit a bump in the road as she flew through the intersection and the turkey got tossed into oncoming traffic. The unfortunate driver who was about to cross the intersection slammed on his breaks nearly causing a pile-up. Se now we're all here at a 4-way intersection with a lunatic game bird attacking any car that tries to pass. This is also quite a busy road with several gas stations and beverage stores and whatnot. People who happen to lack the protection of cars are running inside shops and watching from the outside.

Green light. I brave the turkey and drive quickly through the intersection as soon as Mr. Turkey casts his gaze on some unfortunate couple in a convertible. All I can see in my rear view mirror is a flurry of feathers and a man punching in the air.

gently caress that turkey.

Volume posted:

THere's a Creative Convention review that has the line "Put a shotgun under your chin and pull the trigger" any one got it?

Pantsfish posted:

Dear Kantaris,

First I'd like to say thank you for mustering your courage and posting your story in Creative Convention. Between all this "natural talent" and "good material" every now and then we need what literary types call "a sun-ripened catbox full of pig intestines" to relax with.

Second of all I'd like to say my thank you was insincere and that you are arguably the biggest human being to vomit his bullshit all over what is generally a good fiction forum. Without reading - without so much as scanning - this forum, you decided you'd drop off your Vin-Diesel-Meets-Monopoly-Man-Meets-THE-UNFUNNIEST-loving-BUNCH-OF-poo poo story off here so we would "appreciate" it for you.

Well guess what, Kantaris: Nobody appreciated this piece of poo poo. I read this and my balls shriveled up inside my stomach. This story is awful. It's so bad - so outright terrible - my finger's itching to go under your name and click the "permaban" button on principle. I won't do that because I have self-restraint, something you clearly lack.

How do I know you lack it? Because you shat this out and didn't even stop to think you might delete it before you embarrass yourself. You just thought "hey, I had this TOTALLY FUCKIN RANDOM conversation with my brosef at work, better post it up for them folks at that Creative Forum". If I were you, I personally wouldn't have the time or capacity to post this. Why? Because as soon as it came off my fingers, onto the keyboard, my hands would be occupied propping a shotgun under my chin.

You wretch. You low-down, yellow-bellied cocksucker. My one hope in this life used to be to gently caress Christina Ricci in one of those mirrored-ceiling hotels. Not now. You wanna know what it is? Do you? I hope - I pray to Christ, Kantaris - that I come across an auto accident involving you and your family. I hope that the last thing you see before you die is me impaling your newborn son's head on a broken part of your car's frame. I hope that the last sound that crosses the barrier to your ears before the lights go out is the splootching sound my erect penis makes as it repeatedly penetrates the gushing wound in your wife's throat.

And you know the worst part? You think this is funny. Something so bad has happened in your life that you looked at this and you were proud enough to think - just for a second - that this is something worthwhile. You know what, Kantaris? The people who write "Drawn Together" would snub this. Pictures of old women being violently raped with Medieval weaponry are infinitely funnier than this story could ever hope to be. I'd rather watch my chronically depressed mother swing neck-first from a ceiling fan than I would ever read this again.

You ruined my forum, Kantaris. You ruined my life's one dream. You ruined fiction. All in one fell swoop, Kantaris. I hope it was worth it.

Regards, you loving scoundrel,

Evan "Pantsfish" Wade

Grant DaNasty posted:

muscles like this? posted:

More like "The Invisible Rapist"

Hector Beerlioz posted:

I already posted Ghost Dad.

GAPO posted:

There have been no rape, death or any other kinds of threats from SASS. All we have done is start a counter-tumblr that seeks to expose yellowxperil for being sexist and racist. Unlike her tumblr, ours does not call for real life harassment. Jesus, you people will believe anything.

I will say that the blog's creator claims to be on 4chan's radar, and if that's the case, then, yeah she will probably get threats.

GAPO posted:

There have been no rape, death or any other kinds of threats from SASS. All we have done is start a counter-tumblr that seeks to expose yellowxperil for being sexist and racist. Unlike her tumblr, ours does not call for real life harassment. Jesus, you people will believe anything.

I will say that the blog's creator claims to be on 4chan's radar, and if that's the case, then, yeah she will probably get threats.

Plafop posted:

Actually it's about harm reduction in recreational drugs

MariusLecter posted:

Whatev posted:

I'm cool with adding a clause to my marriage contract that reads "if either party cookie monsters drugs till they transforms themselves into a retarded potato of a human being, they will be found in breach of contract and ceremoniously released into a bayou, swamp, bog, or other body of wetlands"

paranoid randroid posted:

parents are so uptight. sometimes you just want to get hosed up on spices like a mccormick mentat ok

Suspicious Dish posted:

The Wikimedia Foundation has over 50 million in the bank. They do not need your money FYI.

univbee posted:

this pile of money is a stub. you can help by expanding it

BKPR posted:

Request: that thread where Haomo critiques a dude's fantasy story line by line and talks about making GBS threads himself.

Zippy the Bummer posted:

the other night i almost got into a combined 80+ mph head on collision with a pickup because he was trying to pass another car and was in my lane heading at me on a two lane highway and coming through a curve. I saw two pairs of headlights and because they had different levels of brightness it was not immediately obvious that he was not simply following the other car very closely through the curve. i hit the brakes and the pickup threaded the needle between the two cars so narrowly i could have reached out my window and touched his driver side door. this happens relatively often around here, at least several times a year it seems.

gnarlyhotep posted:

I think it's time to move away from the racetrack

Ruddha posted:

i will accept 40k /yr to set up fake forums for you guys to do the week end web, about lots of messed up junk, toilet seat fashions, dog medicine, boat sex, library sleeping, melting candles together to make one candle with many wicks, etc and i wont tell nobody that im faking so you get some serious content on the go if you know what i mean

tomanton posted:

We were playing on a TTT server. Like most terrible servers the moderators were power-tripping, their sycophants were insufferable, and they also had a really badly-coded admin addon wuat exploited to permaban all of the above. Anyone not a rankless, make-believe title-less user was shown the door, leaving us and the pubbies to enjoy TTT as it was meant to be played.

The staff took exception to this

tomanton posted:

That was probably the best one, there were a few more because after they banned wuat and unbanned his victims he got on an alternate account and banned them all over again, also at the same time he was propkilling everyone which I guess added to the chaos. Their forums weren't too worked up about it but again that moderator was the life of the party.

Your Dead Gay Son posted:

Reminder that Britain is the country that rear end hosed India so hard they still have aftershock gang rapes

mysterious frankie posted:

No one should get into drugs, but goons especially shouldn't get into drugs. Almost every forum centered around recreational activities is populated by a core of angry, bitter burnouts who have eschewed normal life goals so that they can better concentrate on binging on- and despising- video games, movies, tv, whatever. Goons are, if nothing else, efficient to the point of rendering themselves anhedonic, at overindulging in hedonistic activities.

gnarlyhotep posted:

tell me about it, some of them can't even play video games for fun

mysterious frankie posted:

My favorites are the ones who show up in a thread the same day a game launched to bitch about how much the ending sucked. No poo poo. Forcing an entire rotisserie chicken down your throat in one go would also be unpleasant, I imagine, but that's why you're not supposed to do that. Now imagine that guy getting into exotic Soviet lab chemicals. What would take a normal junkie a lifetime to destroy he could knock out in a week. They'll need to carve the associated cheevo on his pauper's grave.

Otisburg posted:

shiksa posted:

lmao "hey did anyone happen to ever take a picture of chewbacca? i should have asked before i started working on this sculpture, this one looks like a mongoloid."

Aesop Poprock posted:

truly, they captured chewies trademark look of "rapist early 1900s Italian stereotype" to a T

prefect posted:

when we took a high-school class trip to paris, some of us ran into a group of german soldiers out at the bars -- they were a riot. fun guys

maniacdevnull posted:

dude how old are you?

Suspicious Lump posted:

Woke up this morning to a loving husky around my chicken pen with feathers everywhere. It killed 3 of my 4 chickens. gently caress. A bit sad about the whole thing because they laid eggs every day. Now the last one is a bit traumatised.

IrvingWashington posted:

Now you just have to get a turkey to eat the husky and you get a turdogen.

Mans posted:

I started reading the griefing thread again.

Most of it is still boring crap, but there's still some funny posts there

Phylodox posted:

I love how this thread becomes nigh unreadable within an hour of the episode ending.

The Flash just fought Green Arrow in a live action episode of television shut the gently caress up about incest!!!

slomomofo posted:

Are there any recent games that you could do a porn parody of? I'm not much of a gamer and can't think of anything more recent than (maybe?) Zelda.

Treebeh posted:

The Last of Us

Suicide Sam E. posted:

The Last of Us

I can envision a porn parody of this where there people get turned into giant, aggressive penises. Translucent white stuff oozes out of the top of their head that turns other people into penises. It would make an excellent sci-fi, faux-lesbian porn with all female survivors and they're trying to avoid getting turned into the big dicks. The survivors all wear strap-ons for some reason, each one a different size and color. One of them is seduced by the biggest cock they ever saw and goes to town on it for one scene, culminating in the orgasmic come turning the survivor into a big dork. "She was always sort of bi." "Well now she's all-guy." At some point there is an "easy come, easy go" joke made about being made into a giant penis. In another scene the surviving lesbians turn around, about to help one of their comrades who stumbled only to find she slipped in a pool of semen and contact with it is turning her as well. "If only someone had worn their rubbers." At some point the plucky band of lesbians runs into the only male survivor they've seen. He's surprised to see other survivors. "You're surprised? We're surprised. Most men became bigger dicks the first chance they could get." Just as they're almost to a safe haven and the lesbians are starting to trust him, they discover the guy isn't all right after all. He's a honeypot, having led them into a trap where a bunch of giant penises surround them and there's no chance of escape. "We thought you were a real slut like us, but you sold us out. You might have even had a chance to repopulate Earth with us. Why? Why did you surround us with these big, mutant dicks??" From safety the male survivor reveals he is a big-time homo, just the biggest, and he won't rest until everyone is changed and he's the one surrounded by giant dicks. (His dialogue is no longer delivered gritty and rough but in the most swishy falsetto possible.) Some one-liner about how all lesbians are secretly breeders. But he's pushed from behind to reveal one of the giant penises, this one still with the face of the woman who slipped into a pool of come earlier. Her shaft-face winks at her sisters (who are still below surrounded by aggro cock). She starts to seduce the traitorous gay with her penis-body, but before when he presents himself she bops him down from safety at the last moment. The two surviving lesbians (one of them being turned into a giant penis mutant already) raise a cheer as the man is surrounded by the penises which now move away from them. "Boys just can't resist a bitch who's easy." They look to thank their penis-sister, but her face has disappeared now. Already she is just another big dick, coming all over the gay man as it turns into a bukake scene. Finally it's just the last two lesbians who at the beginning were the two always bickering with each other and disagreeing. "This is it? All that's left? We're the last of us?" "More like last resort." "You keep up that attitude and you're going to be one lonely licker." "If I'm going to go, I'd rather come out with a bang." This leads in to the movie's long, hardcore lesbian scene. As a reward to the actual lesbians who might sit through this whole thing, the two lesbian survivors remove their strap-ons (since they're in the safe area they no longer need them) and go real lesbian on each other without any stand-in phalli. At the very end they're all hot and steamy and exhausted, and for the first time of the film completely naked, except for their jewelry. This sets up the reveal that the one is still wearing the locket the other gave her when they were in college. "I never knew you kept that. I thought you got rid of it when you married ((this is in honest acceptance, as the rest of the time she will have been saying "shacked up with" or other denigrating euphemisms for being partners)) Hot Lesbian?" "Even if I had, and I would never want to, I could never get rid of how I felt about you." They open the locket to reveal a portrait, opposite the dedication: "Always out. In this together. Forever." They tenderly kiss and then the credits role or it fades out. Honestly I've never seen the end of a pornographic movie.

Then there is the alternate ending scene. The wizened old crone lesbian from the beginning of the movie is there. She has been waiting for any more survivors in the safe area. The couple exclaim their surprise that she's alive. "Oh, I'm alive alright. I have never been one to let a bunch of frustrated, ugly penises get the best of me. And not only am I alive and horny, but I have a plan. Come with me, ladies."

This sets up the possibility for a sequel, which I am also writing.

Oh, maybe the strap-ons contain some sort of survival, anti-infection serum? And the hot, faux-nerdy lesbian invented them and they help the lesbians make it through the quarantine zone? Naturally the nerd-lesbian's strap on is the tiniest (and pink because she's a virgin), but it is also a vibrator and in one poorly-shot scene we briefly find out that it has an important flashlight function.

Cast:
Lead lesbian (can cast anyone provided their appearance does not overshadow or significantly overlap another cast member)
Hot lesbian, Lead's long-time girlfriend and probably too good to be in this movie. She does not have to have many lines but appearance and body language are paramount.
Butch lesbian, often disagrees with or argues with Lead (ethnically distinct from rest of group - you could think angry black lesbian or lesbian Latina almost indistinguishable from a dude, but any background distinct from the majority of the cast works). It is very important she does not look too butch, for scenes when she is acting feminine and vulnerable - male viewers should be able to change their opinion to "would".
Nerdy lesbian (just add glasses and annoying voice), she's responsible for a lot of the group's survival but she's clumsy and has almost no skills outside of knowing how to please a woman and keep one alive. She'll have her cherry popped in the course of the film (revealing she has incredible sexual noises and screams despite her regular tone of voice) and then in the next scene she slips into a puddle of mutating come.
Expendable lesbian, because you always need a non-speaking part. This could be expanded to multiple roles depending on actress availability and whether or not there is a lesbian orgy scene.*
Gay guy, who can act like a macho survivalist man, but not so rugged or manly that his reveal as a homo is unbelievable.

*If there is no lesbian orgy scene, one should be blurrily suggested at the start of the film during the narration. This will suggest the band of lesbians was involved in an orgy when the outbreak reached them and ruined everything.

Anyway, that's all I can "come" up with freestyling Treebeh's suggestion.

The Last of Pussy

Funky See Funky Do posted:

What does DSS stand for in this context?

bringmyfishback posted:

Dom/Sub/Slave?

Like you let these people couchsurf in your home and you go out for milk and come back to two pasty tubs of human oatmeal squeezed into black rubber catsuits and cock cages. And she keeps making him lick her boots, but his top hat is falling off and he's getting mad.

edit: got so turned on by the thought that I mistyped all the things.

corn in the bible posted:

I'm surprised Priuses can get pregnant. Aren't hybrids usually sterile?

Suzuran posted:

Bent over keyboards, like old men with their walkers,
tired, bored, we cursed through the memes,
Till on the haunting mods we turned our backs
And towards the next thread began to trudge.
Men clicked "Next Page". Many had lost their place
But limped on, eyes bloodshot. All were lame; all faggots;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed trolls that posted behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, goons! An ecstasy of backspacing,
cancelling posting just in time;
But someone still was posting in all caps
Aimless like a man in fire or lime.
Dim, through the misty pages and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him shitposting.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, cursing, strawmanning, frothing with rage.

If in some smothering dreams you too could read
the Leper Colony that we saw him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the talking points
Come gargling from his filth-corrupted brain,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To newbies ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Bans are just tenbux,
Never stop posting.

Silly Burrito posted:

32 NFL Teams as 80s/90s Nickelodeon Shows

Seattle : Danger Mouse

NFC South Leader : Pinwheel

Raiders: You Can't Do That On Television

korrandark posted:

Bengals : Are you afraid of the dark?

Chilichimp posted:

Pretty sure that's gonna be the Rams.

Intoluene posted:

For some reason, the sound of 5 pounds of gummy bears exploding out of a man's rear end is one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

d3c0y2 posted:

Obama growing huge and impassive gives me a real strong 100 years of solitude vibe.José Arcadio Buendía's withdrawel springs to mind.

Desideratus posted:

So in light of the recent arguing I decided to look at GOKU and GOON qualitatively for comparison; You could say, to harness my incredibly and overwhelming autism for a greater purpose. I was comparing the two in a few metrics and measuring the percent difference between stats [For those unaware, it's not just dividing one number by another, that presents issues in a way I won't sperg about here; Percent difference = ( | ΔV |/ ( ∑V/2) ) * 100 = ( | (V1 - V2) | / ((V1 + V2)/2) ) * 100], and I think we can pretty conclusively retire the dickwaving.

Average Score [GOKU] 10.49m vs. [GOON] 4.24m (84.86008% difference)
Average KDR [GOKU] 1.79 vs. [GOON] 1.182 (40.9152% difference)
Average KPH [GOKU] 26.943 vs. [GOON] 20.453 (26.9553% difference)
Average SPH [GOKU] 23.8k vs. [GOON] 16.11k (38.5367% difference)
Average Accuracy [GOKU] 18.6% vs. [GOON] 16.3% (13.1805% difference; I suspect this is due to higher accuracy/lower RoF NC guns, for an additional data point our NC altfit [LWTX] has 21.3% accuracy, a 26.5957% difference compared to [GOON])
Average Headshot Rate [GOKU] 13.5% vs. 3.387% (119.7726% difference Here's the anomalous one: It was so low it wasn't even on the leaderboards, below even PHX, POTP, SubG, and AOD so I had to look on your outfit page)

So yes, let us conclusively put the dickwaving arguments to rest, as GOKU is better in every important metric.

Desideratus posted:

Nobody has ever been kicked from GOKU for bad stats, we only occasionally purge inactive (60 or more days without login); GOON actually has more active members, and only a bit more inactives. Keep moving the goalposts brah I'm unemployed, I can prove you wrong all day B]

EDIT for math: Actives [GOKU] 228 vs. [GOON] 271 (17.2345% difference)
Members [GOKU] 265 vs, [GOON] 383 (36.4198% difference)

This is a statistically significant difference in numbers, but holds very little weight on the actual outfit stats, since the majority of playtime comes from active BR80+ players.

Desideratus posted:

Keep moving the goalposts brah I'm unemployed, I can prove you wrong all day B]

Lanky Coconut Tree posted:

Let's play guess that autist!



I think this is my favourite summary of goons

Camel Pimp posted:

Don't say I never did nothing for ya, thread.

EDIT: Ok, fine

GWBBQ posted:

I just started reading the thread and this is from 3 months ago but I just bought the book based on this post and I hope it's worth it.

quite the fucker posted:

i like when the tuba honks to help the black guy startle you

Jordan7hm posted:

Pretty sure your friend is referring to the Fire of God church, not the cult of the fire god. I don't know anything about it beyond a cursury google search, but I'm pretty sure I've seen them around downtown handing out pamphlets.

Kenny Logins posted:

Disappointed in the paucity on their position on the length of the night, and its present capacity vis-a-vis terrors.

Decrepus posted:

Place your fully delitized girlfriend into the tub and massage her ham and cheese breasts.