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There is a woman who comes into my work and brings a fussy toddler who spends his entire life whining and going limp. He doesn't like me, because I make him follow rules. I got this one when I tried to get him to stop lying down in the middle of the doorway: "I wish you were God so I can poop in your church!"
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Dec 16, 2014 03:45
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| # ? May 17, 2024 19:29 |
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EVG posted:The Germans do that too! Mittens? Nah. These are Hand-Shoes! My ex and still friend is a first generation American in a German household, and one day we figured out that the reason German sounds so angry to say is to cover up what an adorable language it is. 
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Dec 16, 2014 07:21
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So i have another real gem for you guys, in thr continuing saga of my niece. She brought me a piece of paper and a pencil, and demanded i draw her mommy. I majored (briefly) in art in college, so what the hell, instead of a stick figure, i tried to legitimately sketch my sister. Bad idea. My niece took a very critical glance and gave a huge frown. "You messed up my mommy. Her face is crooked!" She then pointed to my sister, who began laughing. "She looks like that!" She didnt stop there. Oh no, she was channeling Simon Cowell. "You ruined my picture! I cant keep this!" She frigging threw it away while I watched. "I have to throw this away now because you ruined my mommy!" My sister was in tears at that point. My niece then apprpached me, and said "you hurt my feelings with your drawing. Dont ever do that again!" Im so glad I dropped out of art classes. Only her daddy (a graphic designer for a local company) is allowed to draw now.
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Dec 16, 2014 08:24
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Nekodoshi posted:So i have another real gem for you guys, in thr continuing saga of my niece. 
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Dec 16, 2014 09:17
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Nekodoshi posted:So i have another real gem for you guys, in thr continuing saga of my niece. It happens to professionals, too.
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Dec 16, 2014 14:14
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detectivemonkey posted:It happens to professionals, too. This is amazing and a pro click.
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Dec 16, 2014 21:52
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detectivemonkey posted:It happens to professionals, too. Thank you for this.
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Dec 16, 2014 22:32
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I took my niece (she's 3) outside the other day and I asked her before even walking out the door if she had to use the bathroom. 30 minutes later, she climbs off the trampoline to say "I just pooped. Really HARD." My nephew is only a year old and doesn't talk much, but I was walking him around last week because he was getting restless in a waiting room when an old lady started talking to him and asked if she could take his "wacipier" (pacifier). He growled at her.
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Dec 17, 2014 02:38
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Umbilical Lotus posted:There is a woman who comes into my work and brings a fussy toddler who spends his entire life whining and going limp. He doesn't like me, because I make him follow rules. I got this one when I tried to get him to stop lying down in the middle of the doorway: This is a good insult and everyone should use it more often.
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Dec 17, 2014 03:08
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detectivemonkey posted:It happens to professionals, too. Job status: rejected and destroyed.
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Dec 17, 2014 07:01
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When I was a kid, I used to call rulers "45s". I also apparently asked a large black man if he was Michael Jordan, as I was a fan of Space Jam at the time.
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Dec 17, 2014 09:32
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This isn't as much of a 'says' given the situation of about 30 minutes ago, and I shouldn't laugh, but it was still funny. I got a call from the school (Kindergarten and wife can't get reception to save her life at work) that they were working with beads and glue and now there's a bead stuck around my kids tooth and they can't get it off. I'm trying not to laugh while they're telling me this. Got the kid from school and sure enough she somehow managed to get a bead around a tooth and that sucker ain't coming off. Heading for the dentist to see what we can do, but I'm trying to keep composure as she's visibly upset and I'm visibly humored. To be fair, I did stick a rock up my nose at her age, but this is far more creative. Might take a picture if she lets me and the tears stop long enough. Edit: We seriously can't get the thing off. 
Kodilynn has a new favorite as of 21:54 on Dec 17, 2014 |
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Dec 17, 2014 21:15
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Is there an update on beadgate?
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Dec 20, 2014 15:57
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Retail Slave posted:Is there an update on beadgate? Neither my wife or I could get the bead off, ended up at the dentist on an emergency visit. As far as we could tell she put it in her mouth, figured out it kinda fit on her tooth, then she bit down hard. The dentist couldn't get it off with her hands either so had to numb the kiddo's mouth up a bit and she kinda "very gently" wrenched it out with those dental pliers. No damage to the tooth that we could see but she was in a bit of discomfort for awhile afterwards. Was a good lesson to not put things in your mouth and I'm pretty sure she won't be doing that again. We've very strongly reinforced to her that unless it's food it doesn't go in her mouth, but given that this was at school we really had no control on that one. Daughter wanted to keep the bead as a trophy for some reason but it's since been lost in the house somewhere which I hope the vacuum finds it before she does.
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Dec 20, 2014 16:40
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My brother once shoved a bead in his ear. Ended up having to go to the hospital so they could get it out. It was just the perfect size to wedge itself firmly into the ear canal.
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Dec 20, 2014 16:48
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3 year old nephew: Auntie Cat, what that? Me: That's a dolphin. Nephew: No, that's a fishie. Me: You're the one who asked me. Nephew: No auntie Cat, I'm sorry. That's a fishie. Me: Okay, then.
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Dec 22, 2014 04:59
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My friend's kids came out with some proper gems today. One of them crowned me Queen Witch. E: Sing a song now, Queen! *hands over a hairbrush* Me: Okay, here goes... E: *snatches hairbrush back* Actually I should do it. The main refrain of the song was 'IT'S THE GREATEST DAY TO BE A WITCH!' The youngest one took me to see some spiders in the conservatory and then announced: 'THESE ARE MY SPIDERS!' before laughing maniacally.
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Dec 23, 2014 01:16
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The other day I was cleaning the toy aisle in the store I work at and a family wandered through with their little boy, who kept repeatedly telling his mother 'Mommy, I NOT a toy; I real!'
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Dec 23, 2014 02:54
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Can I see your eye blood [conjunctiva]? Can I dip my fingers in it? Jesus no, child! What the hell!
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Jan 10, 2015 03:13
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So I took my son to the Boston Museum of Science today. As we were leaving I asked him if he learned anything. His response: "no thanks"
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Jan 10, 2015 03:59
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My niece, age 4, was disappointed that her grandmother's phone didn't have any games on it, and said in an exasperated sort of voice, "You just go to the app store!" And I thought I was advanced at that age for being able to play Sonic 2 on my own. She also gave me a telling off when we were playing with her Duplo set (the one I'd given to her, mind you) for doing it wrong, even though I was mostly just copying what she was doing. Still don't understand how that worked.
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Jan 11, 2015 17:06
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I work in a Lego store, and last night I'm tending to the front of the store when this family of six walk in, with kids from what looks like 2 to 8 years old. The exchange between me and their 3rd youngest kid went exactly like this: Welcome to the Lego store, guys! I made a biiig poop in the toilet! Awesome, buddy! That is exactly where it belongs!The rest of the family was momentarily embarrassed, but it quickly dissolved into laughter. It made my night. Little dude was just so goddamn pleased with himself that he had to tell the world about his accomplishment
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Jan 18, 2015 16:09
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I was driving my daughter to school this morning and she ripped a huge fart. Her: I wish I could stop farting, but I love the smell of it! *sniffs at her crotch* I had no reply to that.
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Feb 3, 2015 17:34
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3-year-old at work's favourite song used to be The Lion Sleeps Tonight. He's got a new favourite now, and trust me you haven't lived until you've heard a nasal little voice suddenly burst into MY ANACONDA DON'T
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Feb 3, 2015 18:14
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eating only apples posted:3-year-old at work's favourite song used to be The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Walked into a school cafeteria this morning and heard about 3-4 second graders singing I'M IN LOVE WITH DA COCO. I was very confused when I first started hearing kids sing Anaconda because I wasn't aware of the Nikki Minaj song and thought everyone just rediscovered Sir Mix-A-Lot.
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Feb 4, 2015 02:11
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Cath: Hey buddy, why don't you tell me a story? 3 year old nephew: Once upon a time, Spiderman was on a motorcycle on a road. The end.
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Mar 3, 2015 01:11
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My 4 year old niece, to her father: "Daddy, does your weenie wiggle when you're in the shower?" Then we find out it was her 7 year old sister who told her to ask him that.
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Mar 3, 2015 01:38
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My friend's two-and-a-half year old, within five minutes of us walking in, came up to me and promised up and down that she didn't say a bad word yesterday. When I turned to her dad and asked him offhandedly what she had said, she piped in with "I didn't say 'gently caress.'" I started laughing which is probably the worst thing you can do. That's why I wouldn't make a good parent, because I think everything kids do is hilarious. Later on she really wanted to watch some DVD and when we wouldn't put it on, she got up and said, "I'm gonna go pout now!" and half-ran off. I went off to the bathroom and on my way back I noticed she was indeed pouting in the living room. Chatted with her for a few minutes and told her that maybe if we asked nice her dad might turn it on for her. She said she wanted to try that so we went back to the family room where she launched herself headfirst at dad, hitting him in the crotch, and said, "I wanna watch show NOW!" Not at all what we talked about, kid. She's a gem and I'm absolutely amazed at how much knowledge she tends to soak up. I only really started spending time with kids once all of my friends started having them so maybe all kids are sponges like that, but it never stops being funny to me.
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Mar 3, 2015 02:04
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I turned on the car one time and there was an Eminem song on and he says "gently caress" very loudly and clearly before I can turn it down. My son: daddy did he say gently caress? Me: yes he did Son: is he allowed to say gently caress? Me: yes hes a grown up Son: im not allowed to say gently caress Me: no youre not. Only grown ups can say that Son: can you and mommy say gently caress? Me: yes, we are grown ups Son: can i say gently caress when im a grown up? Me: yeah when youre 18 Son: im going to say gently caress a lot when im a grown up but im not going to say gently caress now cause im not a grown up. Only grown ups can say gently caress
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Mar 3, 2015 04:38
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Good on him. It's important to have plans for the future.
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Mar 3, 2015 05:37
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More of what a kid did, but details. I was subbing for a 3rd grade class, and somewhere between lunchtime and afternoon recess I managed to pick up an extra kid. I didn't realize it at first, until I noticed that the desk he was sitting at didn't have a nametag (all the occupied desks had those). When I asked him about it, he just shrugged and kept working on the math worksheet. I called down to the office and found out that this kid had walked away from his class when they had gone down to art. He just decided that he didn't want to do art that day, and he came to my class instead. The art teacher hadn't seen him at all and had thought he was absent, and his classroom teacher had thought he was at art, so nobody noticed he was gone. Instead of afternoon recess, both classes got a stern lecture about how important it is to stay with your class, and why you should tell an adult right away if someone who isn't supposed to be in there is in the classroom, or to speak up if someone is missing.
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Mar 3, 2015 05:48
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of bees posted:More of what a kid did, but details. I'm surprised a kid ditched art in favour of math. Edit: Or he chose your class at random then when you pulled out the math worksheets he was all "Eh, gently caress it I'm commited now"
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Mar 3, 2015 08:09
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I was just texting with a friend of mine who lives in Boston, because I haven't heard from him in a while and was kind of concerned that he'd succumbed to the terrible winter they're having. I made the comment that his two and a half year old has probably forgotten what grass looks like. My friend texted back that the kid throws daily tantrums where he screams "SNOW ISN'T FUN WHEN IT'S OVER YOUR HEADDDD!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.
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Mar 4, 2015 00:40
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A wise child. A correct child. 
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Mar 4, 2015 02:21
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I also live in Massachusetts and throw similar daily tantrums.
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Mar 4, 2015 05:48
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eating only apples posted:3-year-old at work's favourite song used to be The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Not so much what kids say, but I work for an MSP and one of my clients is a fairly large school district with several elementary schools. I went to one of their sites that had network issues one day, to walk by the gymnasium and see kids playing some beanbag game with Prodigy's "Firestarter" on full blast in the background 
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Mar 13, 2015 21:14
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I made cinnamon toast for my (autistic, highly verbal) 7-year-old the other day - two pieces, as always. He wasn't very hungry and only ate one piece, then gave me a piercing glare and said "Note: I did not say I wanted TWO pieces." I could practically hear the punctuation. Same kid, a few weeks ago: "I know that you need to combine two sets of DNA to make a person, but I don't understand how you put the DNA together."
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Mar 16, 2015 23:00
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Shortly after arriving for my shift at the Lego store, I answer a phone call. On the other end I hear a child who was probably between 7 and 12. This is the conversation we had. "Thank you for calling the Lego Store, this is Neurion speaking, how can I help you?" "The Lego Store is a poopy butt." "..." "Are you impressed?" "Is that your best sick burn?" "..." *click*
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Mar 17, 2015 03:23
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pookel posted:I made cinnamon toast for my (autistic, highly verbal) 7-year-old the other day - two pieces, as always. He wasn't very hungry and only ate one piece, then gave me a piercing glare and said "Note: I did not say I wanted TWO pieces." I could practically hear the punctuation. Holy poo poo that sounds so much like my (autistic, highly verbal) 9-year-old. I think it was 'P.S. I only needed half the bagel.'
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Mar 17, 2015 21:13
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| # ? May 17, 2024 19:29 |
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My 3-year-old named her feet "No-No" and "Yes-Yes". No-No, the left, gets blamed for any messes, and Yes-Yes requests games and treats.
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Mar 17, 2015 21:27
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