Mousepractice posted:

Meat crime spree

Elias_Maluco posted:

CPColin posted:

Roverhaus

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

I love that this is how the world sees the police in our country right now:

Sergeant Bacon walked with his eighteen-man patrol down the streets of Lardo, Iowa. It was nearly 1300, and the only noises to be heard were the clanking of their equipment as they walked, and the grumblings of the officers' bellies.

It had been nearly an hour since lunch.

Suddenly, Sergeant Bacon stopped the men with a hand signal--a fist at head-height--and pointed at a small brick home across the street.

I heard laughter, he thought.

He gestured to his men to form a chevron and prepare to breach the home and took the lead position.

Bacon heard laughter as they approached the residence. He stopped the men and crept onto the porch. He was peering through the screen door when he heard a voice yell:

"GO ON NOW, GIT! I'M WATCHIN' MY STORIES!"

The Sergeant turned to his men and gave a hand signal--adjusting invisible binoculars--and the men all gasped.

An old!, they all thought in unison.

Bacon yelled to the old. "Ma'am, don't resist or you'll be shot! Stop resisting!," but it was hard for the old to hear him in the first place because she was an old, and the gasmask Bacon was wearing didn't help.

"GO ON NOW, LEAVE ME BE!"

Bacon turned to the squad slowly. They could see his wide eyes through his gasmask. He gave them a hand gesture--an open hand, palm parallel to the ground, a foot above his head, signifying an afro.

A black old.

Numerous clicks and clangs could be heard as safeties were disabled and the actions on their guns were worked, just like in the movies. Unspent shells were ejected all over the ground. The men, satisfied that their assault rifles were ready, switched on their laser sights.

"GIT! I AIN'T DOIN' NOTHIN' WRONG! LET ME WATCH MY STORIES!"

A whirr could be heard as Sergeant Bacon spun up his minigun.

quote:

I had a really weird dream that me and some chick, I think she was a cousin or some sort of relative, had these owls.

They were special "soft owls", and they came packaged in medium sized plastic bottles, about the size of a gatorade container. You opened the sealed lid, and there was a small container of B12 pills, that you are supposed to periodically add to the water in the container to keep it at the right nutrient levels for the soft owls to survive. Under the small container, which functioned as a second lid of sorts, there is the soft owl.

They were quasi-amphibian owls, with very porous skin and very thick, waterproof feathers. The skin pores were very big and also functioned as gills so the owl could breathe while in the container. The pores are so big, they leak a little bit of blood, especially if the owl is squeezed. Again, really stiff, grey and red feathers, and the body of the owl itself is soft and squishy, almost like a water balloon.

So I took my owl to the town hall meeting, where there were a bunch of people with falcons, they were releasing them, and the falcons would fly around, then come back down and alight on the ground. I just stood there watching for awhile, petting my soft owl and whispering nice things in his ear and cuddling him, because he was cold.

After awhile, I decide to give soft owl (I forgot the name I gave him) a shot at flying, and launched him up in the air. He fluttered up for about 10 feet, but then started crashing down to earth.

We all rushed over to where he had landed, only to find that the impact had forced all his blood out of his gill pores, and he was dead.

I was crushed, and felt like it was partially my fault, and started crying. Everyone in the town was really sad too, and they started crying. It started to rain, so everyone went and got sandbags and made a wall around soft owl's little body, to keep the water from washing him away.

The next day or something, I bought another bottle of soft owl, and took my new pet out and started grooming him and playing with him. My cousin also bought another one for herself. Then my stupid brothers or other cousins or something, all 5 of them big lanky trackstar types, want to watch some family slideshows. So my other cousin (the girl) and I decide this is a good time to leave.

We put the soft owls back in the storage bottles, which we put into the pockets of our oversized wool coats. Then I grab my checkbook, because soft owls eat checks. We sat in the town square, feeding the owls checks, periodically wiping away the small drops of blood that would pool around their pores.

I remember being really sad, these owls would just bleed.

The alarm woke me up, the radio blaring some oldies song. Without even thinking about it, I found myself muttering the words 'all life is pain.'

Sex Hobbit posted:

Does anyone have the string of quotes ripping on the goon who anally raped his paraplegic girlfriend every night until she became incontinent, at which point he dumped her? One of the posts said something like "the entire Burger King Kids Club in one person."

invision posted:

e:Also, and I mean this in a completely serious way, the level of smug in portland is goddamn insane. For being the liberal paradise that portland claims, if you aren't riding the right kind of fixed gear bike and eating at the right farm-to-table vegan restaurant, you're going to be constantly judged and sneered at by dumb trust fund hipsters with one pants leg rolled up and a jar of gluten free moustache wax on the saddlebag of their pennyfarthing.

InterFaced posted:

Could god out goatse Kirk Johnson?

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

how do u think the universe was created

Masked Pumpkin posted:

football fuckerman posted:

"this stew...its delicious. seafood stew is one of my favorites." "oh is it mr persidarnt? what about cyanide stew. yeah. by bitch. white power" - hillary clinton practicing her killing of obama

football fuckerman posted:

look! as obama ascended the stairs that hooded figure flipped a switch! now the stairs are a ramp and obama has slid into that pit. what calamity

Captain Captain posted:

obama: oh no assassins! i must hit the panic button!
*george bush, on a ranch in texas, removes panic button from pocket*
george bush: heh

football fuckerman posted:

obama is waving and waving to the crowd and his arm flops off!! it thunks on the stage. "whats this! an antenna!" just then secret service dudes notice dick ccheney hunched in his wheelchair 5000 with a remote control. he is brutally nude.

football fuckerman posted:

hmm what is this? the white house bed has been replaced by a cage w/ a sign that says monkey house. that is very racist george bush. wait...it looks like its been lived in for...eight years??? *gaggle of political cartoonists hiding outside exchange many high fives*

DorkusMalorkus posted:

PCOS Bill posted:

Wow, Sarah Jessica Parker's standards really dropped as she got older

Freudian posted:

That is not a pretty horse.

Stargate posted:

Some first reply magic

Sex Hobbit posted:

Does anyone have the string of quotes ripping on the goon who anally raped his paraplegic girlfriend every night until she became incontinent, at which point he dumped her? One of the posts said something like "the entire Burger King Kids Club in one person."

Anonymous Confessor posted:

Once many years ago I posted on GBS about this girl in a wheelchair that I met in college. She was asian and cute and being in a wheelchair brought out these protective instincts in me. My thread about her blew up and was really popular and it made me super uncomfortable having goons always asking about her in that thread and completely un-related threads. So I lied and said we weren't together anymore.

That wasn't true though, and we actually almost got married. After a few years of dating, we were in bed together and she was sleeping and I was really turned on. Our sex life was pretty non-existent because she didn't have any feeling in her vagina, so we only had sex rarely, most often it was her giving me a blowjob. But this had all petered out over the last few months.

So I was feeling really turned on and I had always wanted to have anal sex, so this one night I couldn't stop myself. I lubed up my penis and slow put it into her butt. She couldn't feel it so she didn't wake up, and it turned me on more than anything to feel like I was doing something forbidden without her knowledge. I came almost instantly in her butt.

Over the next two weeks I proceeded to gently caress her butt every night after she was asleep, becoming more and more rough as she continued to not wake up. But then something unimaginable happened. She started complaining about having anal incontinence. She went to the doctor and the doctor didn't know what had changed, and said she'd probably just have to wear diapers.

I was too scared to tell her the truth, and so ashamed that I ended up breaking up with her. She probably thinks it was because she had to start wearing diapers, but I know the real reason.


tl;dr goon fucks his crippled asian gf in the pooper after she fell asleep bc she couldn't feel until she suddenly complained about making GBS threads herself when she hadn't before

Triticum Guzzler posted:

PRIEST: Do you take this amalgam of every single one of the Burger King Kids Club Mascots at once to be your lawful wedded wife?
COOL GBS GOON: [in rodney dangerfield voice] Lawful I'm not so sure about but after 11PM I take what I can get

CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:

As offensive as some people find profiling, it's actually a really useful thing that has served the human race well and ensured our survival against many threats. Being on the receiving end of it should make one consider: "Why do I register as a threat, and how do I stop being considerd as one?"

No, wait. That's bullshit. Everyone is a unique snowflake and we are all simultaneously correct in our actions and opinions!

Sinding Johansson posted:

lol guy with like 500 posts about transformers comic books, sorry but its not so easy for everyone else to be so nonthreatening

Lottery of Babylon posted:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in ancient times it was considered admirable to sack a nearby city, kill their men and rape their women"
*courtroom fills with excited murmurs, judge fruitlessly calls for order*

Kimmalah posted:

It was the Goonrofls thread making fun of the Anonymous confessions thread.

Kimmalah posted:

It was the Goonrofls thread making fun of the Anonymous confessions thread.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I kind of want it a bit less than I want to get away with committing one of the most heinous crimes possible towards someone who trusted me on a basis so regular that turds began to immediately drop from their throat directly onto their wheelchair. It's a real PS4 vs Xbox One situation.

Judge Clayjar posted:

wheelchair bound bae: ok honey im going to sleep
horny me: try not to poop all over the sheets tonight ok baby lol
cute paralyzed asian gf with wide hole: dont worry the doctor said my bowels will stay in if they arent jostled
me (getting hornier): ok whatever just go to sleep

Triticum Guzzler posted:

VEGETA IN A WHEELCHAIR: Perhaps if you were raping me in the anus 100 times nightly, I might become fecally incontinent. But 10? I don't even feel it.
NOCTURNAL GBS RAPIST: [open mouthed anime gasps]

Triticum Guzzler posted:

GBS GOON: [viewing disabled anus through a high tech pair of binoculars] THis is Snake. I'm in front of the disposal facility...
A VOICE IN HIS HEAD THAT URGES HIM TO COMMIT CRIMINAL ACTS, I THINK IT'S THE UNCONSCIOUS LEAKING IN TO THE CONSCIOUS, WHAT JUNGIAN THEORY CONSIDERED TO BE THE CAUSE OF SCHIZOPHRENIC AND SCHIZOTYPAL SYMPTOMS: Excellent, Snake. Shame hasn't slowed you down one bit.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

This is devastating... I really thought she was the one *sigh*

Mood: Depressed

Music: Joy Division - Love Will Tear rear end Apart

Unfinish3d posted:

You must be in some state to be posting old bright eyes lyrics in the kratom thread on a saturday

KoldPT posted:

you posted two thousand words and several award-winning documentaries on how a dude's wife is a real doll or whatever

Peztopiary posted:

Also because those videos don't get released. You can be as heroic as you want in your final moments, but unless you escape no one will ever know about it.

ReidRansom posted:

At least you'd die knowing you hosed up their video.

Kimmalah posted:

It was the Goonrofls thread making fun of the Anonymous confessions thread.

Mister Bates posted:

Jesus. Who the gently caress does something like that?!

Karate Bastard posted:

No one. No one did this. There was no paraplegic, no rape, and no girlfriend. It did not happen. It's a gross story posted for the bedevilment of GBS. Hope that clears it up.

Protip: last time someone around here posted a truthful account of anything was in -92, if ever.

You people.

Karate Bastard posted:

No one. No one did this. There was no paraplegic, no rape, and no girlfriend. It did not happen. It's a gross story posted for the bedevilment of GBS. Hope that clears it up.

Protip: last time someone around here posted a truthful account of anything was in -92, if ever.

You people.

e: vvvvvv and another one, Jeeze!

Protip2: If you take anything seriously on SA, you will not have a good time. This brings me to Protip3, which is that this skill also translates to other areas in life.

Kimmalah posted:

Did you mean '02?

Super Waffle posted:

Does anyone have, or even remember, a series of posts from a PYF Sex Stories thread or something, about a goon who had a three-way with a girl and her mother? OVer the course of the story he goes from "hell yeah " to "what have I done? ", and ends up having a meltdown?

Super Waffle posted:

Does anyone have, or even remember, a series of posts from a PYF Sex Stories thread or something, about a goon who had a three-way with a girl and her mother? OVer the course of the story he goes from "hell yeah " to "what have I done? ", and ends up having a meltdown?

22 Eargesplitten posted:

I want to say it was rxcowboy. Whoever it was, he has an avatar of the T-rex and banner from Jurassic Park. I remember rxcowboy because it was only after he started posting about his drug habits in PYF that I realized what his username meant.

Kimmalah posted:

It was. The whole thing kind of played out in the thread because I remember a lot of super-creepy posters were really strongly encouraging him to do it even though he had misgivings. And he seemed pretty weirded out by the whole thing once it was over.

Then it got overshadowed by the poster who was hosed by their dog so

MariusLecter posted:

Wonder if Reek will have a happy ending this season.

Frostwerks posted:

Something tells me Reek will never again have a happy ending.

Kimmalah posted:

Then it got overshadowed by the poster who was hosed by their dog so