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  • Locked thread
spacemang_spliff
Nov 29, 2014

wide pickle

Volume posted:

Why should atheists have rights?

Consider these facts:
90% of atheists will be involved in a violent altercaction in their life
60% of atheists are sexually perverted (abg)
When asked if they would forgive a human being for their sins, 90% of atheists said no
When asked if they respect the law, 59% of atheists said no
When asked if they would spit on Jesus, 85% of atheists said yes
40% of atheists admit to finding horses attractive

horses are pretty sexy

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Not_Rainbow_Horse
Nov 11, 2013

spacemang_spliff posted:

horses are pretty sexy

thanks :)

Orkin Mang
Nov 1, 2007

by FactsAreUseless

spacemang_spliff posted:

horses are pretty sexy

they have dicks like sea cucumbers with gigantism

pop fly to McGillicutty
Feb 2, 2004

A peckish little mouse!

spacemang_spliff posted:

horses are pretty sexy

I'm in Paris right now and I ordered a steak made of horse because I don't read French. Hail Satan and glazed steak'n

quakster
Jul 21, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
"if you gently caress up, someone's gonna end up getting hurt" becomes "god is going to punish you for your sins" after 6969 years of broken telephone

chickie nugs for brekkie
May 17, 2010
Hail Steak'n

Pththya-lyi
Nov 8, 2009

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

But I would really like to go to Disneyland

Any Disney park really, I'm not picky

But Walt Disney World is obviously the best, you get like 4 theme parks, 2 water parks, mini-golf, regular golf, all kinds of cool poo poo. Who wouldn't want that? A crazy person, that's who.

Pththya-lyi fucked around with this message at 21:36 on Feb 27, 2015

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
Parents of both sexual orientations can be horrible parents but homosexual parents are always worse parents than heterosexual parents in general. Why is that? Because God did not design the family to have two parents of the same sex. Yes, you read what I said right. The family is not designed to have two parents of the same sex. It is disgusting that homosexual "parents" can raise children in this nation and in any nation. It should be outlawed!

quakster
Jul 21, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
but after the egg is laid, how do you decide which parent is the disgusting homosexual who can't raise the child? i don't understand

Stoatbringer
Sep 15, 2004

naw, you love it you little ho-bot :roboluv:

Orkin Mang posted:

they have dicks like sea cucumbers with gigantism

As do atheists. :colbert:

pop fly to McGillicutty
Feb 2, 2004

A peckish little mouse!

Volume posted:

Parents of both sexual orientations can be horrible parents but homosexual parents are always worse parents than heterosexual parents in general. Why is that? Because God did not design the family to have two parents of the same sex. Yes, you read what I said right. The family is not designed to have two parents of the same sex. It is disgusting that homosexual "parents" can raise children in this nation and in any nation. It should be outlawed!

Yeah but think about how cool childhood would be if you could play swords with two dads. Or walk in on scissoring moms.

Hail steak'n

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
Freedom only goes as far as the LORD allows it. The Confederate flag is a symbol of expression, and a valiant attempt to wrestle the fashion industry out from the thresholds of the liberals. Gay pride promotes a sinful sexual act that goes against all natural, God-given inclinations, and must be stamped out.

dougdrums
Feb 25, 2005
CLIENT REQUESTED ELECTRONIC FUNDING RECEIPT (FUNDS NOW)
http://www.conservapedia.com/

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless

revmoo posted:

lol if you don't have a personal relationship with our lord and savior

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
Why do atheists believe in magic?

Atheism sounds pretty silly to me. They believe the universe magically came out of no where and then it magically created cells in goo which magically turned into a human over millions of years. I don't have even faith to believe in magic, which is why I'm a Christian.

Ghaz
Nov 19, 2004

im trying to give up my aferlife in kingdom of heaven for powers in this life but satan has not responded

Kanthulhu
Apr 8, 2009
NO ONE SPOIL GAME OF THRONES FOR ME!

IF SOMEONE TELLS ME THAT OBERYN MARTELL AND THE MOUNTAIN DIE THIS SEASON, I'M GOING TO BE PISSED.

BUT NOT HALF AS PISSED AS I'D BE IF SOMEONE WERE TO SPOIL VARYS KILLING A LANISTER!!!


(Dany shits in a field)

Volume posted:

Why do atheists believe in magic?

Atheism sounds pretty silly to me. They believe the universe magically came out of no where and then it magically created cells in goo which magically turned into a human over millions of years. I don't have even faith to believe in magic, which is why I'm a Christian.

That's amazing. Best one yet for this thread.

pop fly to McGillicutty
Feb 2, 2004

A peckish little mouse!

Ghaz posted:

im trying to give up my aferlife in kingdom of heaven for powers in this life but satan has not responded

It's not even an equinox, bro.

CaptainSarcastic
Jul 6, 2013



Ghaz posted:

im trying to give up my aferlife in kingdom of heaven for powers in this life but satan has not responded

That's because he is waiting for you to realize that the powers were inside you all along.

Hail Satan.

Jesus Christ
Jun 1, 2000

mods if you can make this my avatar I will gladly pay 10bux to the coffers

who are you

[edit] lol you deleted your post

hohhat
Sep 25, 2014
Saw a bunch of jesusfags giving free food to homeless people. They set up lovely kitchen in a poor part of town and were feeding a whole bunch of them like it was some kind of assembly line. Pathetic.

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
Margaretta Peter, born into a large Swiss farming family in the late eighteenth century, was a preaching prodigy. In 1800, when Margaretta was just six years old, she enthralled relatives and other residents of a tiny hamlet near Schaffhausen (either Wildisbuch or Wildispuch) with her impromptu sermons, seeming to have a better grasp of the Bible than any minister five times her age.
This was a marvelous quality in a preschooler, but over the years, Margaret began to exert a spiritual dominance over her family that made her pastor uneasy. He noted that when Margaretta was still a teenager, her widowed father and older sisters would obey her every command as though it was the will of God.

Margaretta’s commitment to her faith deepened even more at the age of 20, when she fell in with a group of Pietists and went through a year of self-chastisement for her sins. At the end of that year, she announced she was ready to become a preacher and prophetess. She returned to her home village in the spring of 1817, and quickly established a small following that included her father, sisters, and an epileptic servant named Margaret Jäggli. Jäggli thought her seizures were caused by demons, and hoped that Margaretta could heal her.

In the spring of 1823, Margaretta began talking about the Devil, warning her followers that he was close at hand. Jäggli’s seizures increased and worsened, probably due to stress. This further reinforced the group’s notion that Satan was moving in on them. In March, Margaretta summoned her followers to her father’s house and descended into an ecstatic state, experiencing visions of Satan’s hordes overtaking the planet. She, alone, stood in their way. For days, she uttered prophecies to her breathless disciples. She declared that Napoleon’s son would reveal himself as the anti-Christ, and this cued her older sister Elizabeth and Jäggli to mimic spirit possession by Napoleon and the Duke of Reichstadt; they marched around the room like military men until Margaretta banished the spirits.

The next day, the prophetess led ten of her followers into a small attic bedroom and exhorted them to gird themselves with both prayer and any weaponry they could find, for the final battle between Christ and Satan was imminent. The group included her elderly father, two of her sisters, and a married tailor who may have been Margaretta’s lover. They obeyed Margaretta’s instructions to board up the farmhouse and arm themselves with axes, hammers, clubs – anything they could find. Napoleon’s troops were coming, she said, and the invisible minions of Satan had already besieged the house. Her followers took up their weapons and swung wildly at the air inside the attic room, trying to kill discarnate entities that only Margaretta could see. This madness went on for about three hours, drawing curious neighbours to the yard.

When the attic room was destroyed, the melee moved to a downstairs parlour. There, Margaretta began pummeling Elizabeth with her fists at Elizabeth’s urging. Somehow, the crazed group imagined that inflicting pain on each other would help repel the demonic invaders, as did the French convulsionnaires who tortured one another in the most sadistic ways imaginable in the St. Medard churchyard during the previous century. They continued punching themselves and each other in a night-long frenzy. The ruckus finally attracted police, who found Margaretta’s followers piled in a heap on the sitting room floor while she beat them senseless. The group was ordered to disband, and local authorities issued an order that both Margaretta and Elizabeth were to be sent to an asylum.

The disciples paid no attention to these orders. Just one day after their punching fest, a dozen people gathered around Margaretta in the little attic bedroom, prepared to carry out any instructions she issued. The prophetess announced that more blood had to be shed, and proceeded to strike her brother, Caspar, repeatedly with an iron wedge. While she bludgeoned her brother, her followers resumed beating themselves and each other.

Next, Margaretta announced that the ghost of her mother was commanding her to sacrifice herself. Elizabeth immediately offered to take her sister’s place, and Margaretta obliged by striking her with the same iron wedge she had used on Caspar (who was alive, but unconscious). The others followed suit, striking the prone woman with any tools they could find. Elizabeth was soon dead. Only one person, a young woman named Ursula, protested. Margaretta assured her that Elizabeth would be raised from the dead in three days’ time.

Then Margaretta ordered her disciples to crucify her. Reluctantly, they gathered the materials for a wooden cross and assembled it in the attic room. Her sister Susanna provided the nails. Again, Ursula protested and was told that both Margaretta and Elizabeth would rise from the dead in three days.

Margaretta’s followers nailed her hands, elbows, breasts, and feet to the cross. They later told the authorities that Margaretta remained fully conscious throughout this ordeal, coaxing them on. When she was secured to the cross, she demanded to be stabbed through the heart. Ursula attempted this, but was unsuccessful. Another woman and a young man took up a hammer and a crowbar and smashed Margaretta’s head until she fell silent.

Margaretta’s lover, the tailor Jacob Morf, was not present during the murders. He had remained at home with his wife after the beating frenzy. When he returned to the Peters farmhouse and saw the corpses of his beloved prophetess and her sister laid out in a bloodstained room, he was horrified. He reported the murders to a pastor. Meanwhile, the others sat vigil in anticipation of the resurrection. The Peters sisters died on a Saturday, so it was expected they would rise again on Monday. On Sunday night, Ursula removed the nails from Margaretta’s body so that she would not be fastened to a cross when she came back to life. Throughout the night, the group remained with the bodies and prayed.

The sisters remained dead, of course. Their father now had little choice but to report their deaths. In December 1823, eleven of Margaretta’s disciples went on trial for murder in Zürich. All were convicted, and received prison sentences ranging from 6 months to 16 years. None expressed remorse for their actions. On the contrary, they insisted that the murders had been the will of God.

Four Score
Feb 27, 2014

by zen death robot
Lipstick Apathy

Volume posted:

Margaretta Peter, born into a large Swiss farming family in the late eighteenth century, was a preaching prodigy. In 1800, when Margaretta was just six years old, she enthralled relatives and other residents of a tiny hamlet near Schaffhausen (either Wildisbuch or Wildispuch) with her impromptu sermons, seeming to have a better grasp of the Bible than any minister five times her age.
This was a marvelous quality in a preschooler, but over the years, Margaret began to exert a spiritual dominance over her family that made her pastor uneasy. He noted that when Margaretta was still a teenager, her widowed father and older sisters would obey her every command as though it was the will of God.

Margaretta’s commitment to her faith deepened even more at the age of 20, when she fell in with a group of Pietists and went through a year of self-chastisement for her sins. At the end of that year, she announced she was ready to become a preacher and prophetess. She returned to her home village in the spring of 1817, and quickly established a small following that included her father, sisters, and an epileptic servant named Margaret Jäggli. Jäggli thought her seizures were caused by demons, and hoped that Margaretta could heal her.

In the spring of 1823, Margaretta began talking about the Devil, warning her followers that he was close at hand. Jäggli’s seizures increased and worsened, probably due to stress. This further reinforced the group’s notion that Satan was moving in on them. In March, Margaretta summoned her followers to her father’s house and descended into an ecstatic state, experiencing visions of Satan’s hordes overtaking the planet. She, alone, stood in their way. For days, she uttered prophecies to her breathless disciples. She declared that Napoleon’s son would reveal himself as the anti-Christ, and this cued her older sister Elizabeth and Jäggli to mimic spirit possession by Napoleon and the Duke of Reichstadt; they marched around the room like military men until Margaretta banished the spirits.

The next day, the prophetess led ten of her followers into a small attic bedroom and exhorted them to gird themselves with both prayer and any weaponry they could find, for the final battle between Christ and Satan was imminent. The group included her elderly father, two of her sisters, and a married tailor who may have been Margaretta’s lover. They obeyed Margaretta’s instructions to board up the farmhouse and arm themselves with axes, hammers, clubs – anything they could find. Napoleon’s troops were coming, she said, and the invisible minions of Satan had already besieged the house. Her followers took up their weapons and swung wildly at the air inside the attic room, trying to kill discarnate entities that only Margaretta could see. This madness went on for about three hours, drawing curious neighbours to the yard.

When the attic room was destroyed, the melee moved to a downstairs parlour. There, Margaretta began pummeling Elizabeth with her fists at Elizabeth’s urging. Somehow, the crazed group imagined that inflicting pain on each other would help repel the demonic invaders, as did the French convulsionnaires who tortured one another in the most sadistic ways imaginable in the St. Medard churchyard during the previous century. They continued punching themselves and each other in a night-long frenzy. The ruckus finally attracted police, who found Margaretta’s followers piled in a heap on the sitting room floor while she beat them senseless. The group was ordered to disband, and local authorities issued an order that both Margaretta and Elizabeth were to be sent to an asylum.

The disciples paid no attention to these orders. Just one day after their punching fest, a dozen people gathered around Margaretta in the little attic bedroom, prepared to carry out any instructions she issued. The prophetess announced that more blood had to be shed, and proceeded to strike her brother, Caspar, repeatedly with an iron wedge. While she bludgeoned her brother, her followers resumed beating themselves and each other.

Next, Margaretta announced that the ghost of her mother was commanding her to sacrifice herself. Elizabeth immediately offered to take her sister’s place, and Margaretta obliged by striking her with the same iron wedge she had used on Caspar (who was alive, but unconscious). The others followed suit, striking the prone woman with any tools they could find. Elizabeth was soon dead. Only one person, a young woman named Ursula, protested. Margaretta assured her that Elizabeth would be raised from the dead in three days’ time.

Then Margaretta ordered her disciples to crucify her. Reluctantly, they gathered the materials for a wooden cross and assembled it in the attic room. Her sister Susanna provided the nails. Again, Ursula protested and was told that both Margaretta and Elizabeth would rise from the dead in three days.

Margaretta’s followers nailed her hands, elbows, breasts, and feet to the cross. They later told the authorities that Margaretta remained fully conscious throughout this ordeal, coaxing them on. When she was secured to the cross, she demanded to be stabbed through the heart. Ursula attempted this, but was unsuccessful. Another woman and a young man took up a hammer and a crowbar and smashed Margaretta’s head until she fell silent.

Margaretta’s lover, the tailor Jacob Morf, was not present during the murders. He had remained at home with his wife after the beating frenzy. When he returned to the Peters farmhouse and saw the corpses of his beloved prophetess and her sister laid out in a bloodstained room, he was horrified. He reported the murders to a pastor. Meanwhile, the others sat vigil in anticipation of the resurrection. The Peters sisters died on a Saturday, so it was expected they would rise again on Monday. On Sunday night, Ursula removed the nails from Margaretta’s body so that she would not be fastened to a cross when she came back to life. Throughout the night, the group remained with the bodies and prayed.

The sisters remained dead, of course. Their father now had little choice but to report their deaths. In December 1823, eleven of Margaretta’s disciples went on trial for murder in Zürich. All were convicted, and received prison sentences ranging from 6 months to 16 years. None expressed remorse for their actions. On the contrary, they insisted that the murders had been the will of God.

fuckin classic, gets em every time

hohhat
Sep 25, 2014
I heard it was really just a dispute over a parking space.

Present
Oct 28, 2011

by Shine
That was one cold rear end honky.

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
LORD! When will this fade of "I'm gay" end? I remember when you NEVER mentioned you were gay or had anything to do with it. Now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. It is a spirit that is attaching itself to our young people. Yes I said it. It is a spirit. Just like there is a spirit of wife killing going on lately. A spirit of robbery too because it has gotten increasingly worse. Someone needs to get mental help for the people that are proclaiming to be gay. I remember when you said you were gay they sent you to a counselor. Saying that you were born gay is declaring that God make a mistake with your sexuality. How can a gay person be fruitful and multiply? God did not mean for a man to be with a man or a woman to be with a woman. He destroyed a city for such mess. Oh my heart aches for people like this. Lord help them.

Kanthulhu
Apr 8, 2009
NO ONE SPOIL GAME OF THRONES FOR ME!

IF SOMEONE TELLS ME THAT OBERYN MARTELL AND THE MOUNTAIN DIE THIS SEASON, I'M GOING TO BE PISSED.

BUT NOT HALF AS PISSED AS I'D BE IF SOMEONE WERE TO SPOIL VARYS KILLING A LANISTER!!!


(Dany shits in a field)

Volume posted:

Margaretta Peter, born into a large Swiss farming family in the late eighteenth century, was a preaching prodigy. In 1800, when Margaretta was just six years old, she enthralled relatives and other residents of a tiny hamlet near Schaffhausen (either Wildisbuch or Wildispuch) with her impromptu sermons, seeming to have a better grasp of the Bible than any minister five times her age.
:words:

That was Satan all along, wasn't it?

Hail Satan in Margaretta.

Bro Nerd Alpha
Aug 27, 2012

going on pussy patrol
So they spread her titties sideways and nailed them to the cross ?

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
\

hohhat
Sep 25, 2014

This is good.

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
A SIMPLE LOGIC:

1. Atheists DO NOT believe God exists.
2. If God DID NOT exist, then there would be NO atheists.
3. Therefore, God MUST exists.

See? It is simple logic! God must exist!

GOD DOES SIMPLY EXIST!!!

tyler
Jun 2, 2014

Wo

Volume posted:

A SIMPLE LOGIC:

1. Atheists DO NOT believe God exists.
2. If God DID NOT exist, then there would be NO atheists.
3. Therefore, God MUST exists.

See? It is simple logic! God must exist!

GOD DOES SIMPLY EXIST!!!

wow :psyduck: I need some time to think.

Kilmers Elbow
Jun 15, 2012

Deuteronomy is pretty clear....

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

Stoatbringer posted:

As do atheists. :colbert:

[img]http://i.imgur.com/gk5cUNZ.gif NWS

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless

social vegan posted:



think of everyone when u type the words u type god i can't even believe the tenacity u have you know i mean you

That Ignorant Sap
Nov 20, 2010

YOU AIN'T LOOKIN' AT A
BUNCH OF RHINOS, HERE.

Holy poo poo.


Brother Percy: Honorary True Christian™ and Ex-Masturbator posted:

101 reasons why Atheists are WRONG !!!
Reason No. 1 - The Holy Bible!
Atheists 'claim' that God doesn't exist, yet the Bible proves them WRONG! I can see the Bible, hold it in my hand, and know 1000% that it exists! As God wrote the Bible, this proves that he MUST EXIST too! How dumb these Atheists are!
Reason No. 2 - Evil-ution from Monkeys!
If we really evolved from monkeys, why do monkeys STILL exist? Surely they would've evolved too? And why don't we have tails or swing from trees or speak in monkey-talk? These atheists must be pretty deluded to believe such nonsense!
Reason No. 3 - The 'Big Bang'
Atheists believe there was a 'Big Bang' which created the Earth and the Universe and all things?? Well, what created the 'Big Bang'?? And what was there before it 'banged'??? Ask ANY atheist - they won't be able to answer you! Why? Because God created the 'Big Bang'! And then went on to create the Earth and everything in just 6 days! Praise Jesus!
Reason No. 4 - Dinosaurs
Most dumb atheists believe that man and dinosaurs didn't inhabit the Earth at the same time. However, we know this to be a LIE! Didn't Noah ride dinosaurs onto the Ark? Aren't Dinosaurs mentioned throughout the Bible?
Checkmate - Atheist!


Glendora Christianson: Spiritual Mother of LBC and disturbingly NOT listed as an Ex-Masturbator :shlick: posted:

Reason #?? (I hope this isn't too abstract) But, I noticed that Atheists are really afraid of death, so they refuse to eat good wholesome American food like Roast Beef, Bacon, Sour Cream, Cheddar Cheese, Chili Cheese Fries, Dairy Queen Snicker's Blizzard, etc... Just imagine how miserable life would be if you spent it eating soy beans and wheat grass because you were afraid to die because you secretly knew you were going to HELL!

E: Seriously, just hover over some of their flair next to their usernames. :wtc:, indeed.

That Ignorant Sap fucked around with this message at 20:07 on Mar 8, 2015

XMNN
Apr 26, 2008
I am incredibly stupid
Location: Doing God's Work in Europistan

i refuse to believe this is a real person

e: mostly because he looks like his definition of gods work is disassembling sex workers

e2: also because i figured out why landover baptist church sounded familiar

XMNN fucked around with this message at 20:42 on Mar 8, 2015

Kilmers Elbow
Jun 15, 2012

That Ignorant Sap posted:


Holy poo poo.




E: Seriously, just hover over some of their flair next to their usernames. :wtc:, indeed.

*cough* pssst...it's Landover Baptist *cough*

Rockman Reserve
Oct 2, 2007

"Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Volume posted:

He destroyed a city for such mess. Oh my heart aches for people like this. Lord help them.

lol

sodom and gomorrah were destroyed for a huge wealth gap where the rich refused to help the poor

the more u knowwww

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Present
Oct 28, 2011

by Shine
Was there even a reason given for god owning Sodom and Gomorrah in the bible beyond "they were all sinners?"

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