shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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OptimusShr: Mar 1, 2008

TinFoilJoy posted:

Why do so many of these stories feature someone throwing their credit/debit card at the cashier? I have not seen a single store in 15 years that didn't have a pinpad which the customer uses and not the cashier.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 13:21

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# ? May 27, 2024 11:04

tater_salad: Sep 15, 2007

Tifstdh

quote:

All right, so this just happened to me and I am so embarrassed. Today's my birthday and my girlfriend and I were supposed to go out, but she had to pick up an extra shift at work, so we both decided to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. It was a boring night and I had nothing to do but stream Netflix, so what's the next best thing? I decided to watch some porn to pass by time before I sleep. My roommate is gone for the weekend, so I was able to masturbate freely. As I was getting into it, I hear the front door open. I heard the voice of my roommate echoing through the walls. I was sure he heard my sexual moans. Instead of stopping, I decided to continue masturbating making all these sounds. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time in my room, but my roommate doesn't seem to care too much, so I decided to let my roommate believe I was with my girlfriend. It's better than masturbating, right? All of a sudden, I heard a door slam. I dismissed it and continued to masturbate. 10 minutes later, I received a text from my girlfriend.
Girlfriend: it's over
Me: What?
Girlfriend: i can't believe you...i was going to surprise you. i never want to see you again.
5 minutes later, my roommate texted me...
Roommate: That's messed up, man.
Me: What did I do?
Roommate: You had another girl in your room.
That's when I realized that my roommate and girlfriend thought that I was with another girl in my room. She's not responding to my texts.
tl;dr Roommate and girlfriend caught me masturbating and thought I was with another girl
Update: Wow, today is just not my day. It's also Friday the 13th. I got a text back from her telling me that it was okay that I cheated on her because she also had a moment of weakness a month ago when she cheated on it. I don't know how to take this right now.
Update #2: She cheated on me with my roommate. Supposedly they were heading back to my place together to gently caress. I told my roommate that I would be out with another friend celebrating my birthday for the night, so it looks like my roommate and girlfriend took the opportunity to gently caress while I was gone. Little did they know that I decided to stay home.

Even the updates are full of didnt happen.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 13:48

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

KiddieGrinder posted:

So a bunch of girls standing or sitting around the bar, laughing with each other and having a great time, when one of them suddenly spidey-senses a guy's hand dangerously close to her rear end, and a proximity warning goes off in her head, and she whips around and karate chops him away, assuming a defensive posture to block any further attacks?

What the gently caress? Is this seriously what happens? I've never felt anyone up before in a bar or any public place, and I've never been the victim of being felt up, so I might be ignorant of the whole thing.

The scenario you describe sounds like two people standing facing each other at arms length, and one slowly starts to reach their arm out like a loving zombie, giving the victim time to ask "what are you doing?", "do not proceed on your current course of action", "you've been warned, next step is to physically disable your progress" then BLOCK, PARRY, LUNGE! Sounds like some autistic person's idea of 'being felt up' when they've never been in any social situation in their whole life.

edit: not that I'm accusing you of suffering from autism, but it just sounds odd. Traditionally, (or so I thought at least), the action of 'feeling up' a person is a one shot grab at their legs/tits/dick/rear end/etc. Some may want to attempt more times because they're extra sick and depraved, but usually it's a one shot deal. And that's incredibly hard to anticipate when someone may come up and grab your rear end or what have you, unless you're on your guard at all times. And in a place like a bar, where the victim may also have had a few drinks, that seems pretty unlikely.

People can feel you up pretty easily man (by easily I mean there's lots of opportunities). You're walking through a crowd at a bar, lights are off, there's a couple girls standing there not paying attention. You just stick out a hand when you walk past and there you go you've grabbed rear end. She definitely feels it but there's like a constant stream of people walking so who did it?

The "trying" part probably comes from trying to not get noticed and failing or whatever.

I really don't see how it's so unbelievable.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 14:01

Vindolanda: Feb 13, 2012; It's just like him too, y'know?

Boris Galerkin posted:

"An email went out this morning declaring "free cookies in the lounge." This is what was there when I arrived."

He could do with hydrating a little better.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 15:22

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

OptimusShr posted:

Why do so many of these stories feature someone throwing their credit/debit card at the cashier? I have not seen a single store in 15 years that didn't have a pinpad which the customer uses and not the cashier.

I've been told the US doesn't do chip and PIN or NFC, so I guess the cashier would have a more intimate relationship with your card, since they'd have to check signatures.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 15:33

Stroop There It Is: Mar 11, 2012

This is the gooniest conversation. Of course someone can try to feel someone else up without being successful.

For example, guy has his arm around girl's waist. He starts moving his hand down for a butt squeeze, she notices and swats his hand away before he gets there. An unsubtle "accidental" boob or butt grope attempt by someone passing by is probably what the story is supposed to be about. You don't need to have ninja reflexes to intercept someone's hand before it reaches the destination on your own goddamn body.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 15:40

OptimusShr: Mar 1, 2008

FrozenVent posted:

I've been told the US doesn't do chip and PIN or NFC, so I guess the cashier would have a more intimate relationship with your card, since they'd have to check signatures.

Except I am in the US and no stores actually do that, Swipe, enter PIN/sign an get you r receipt. The cashier does not need to handle your card id everything goes right.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 15:59

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

tater_salad posted:

Tifstdh

Even the updates are full of didnt happen.

I love when my roommate listens to me having sex or masturbating. He really gets me.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 16:02

Joey Freshwater: Jun 20, 2004; Always playing with my meat; Grimey Drawer

Boris Galerkin posted:

"An email went out this morning declaring "free cookies in the lounge." This is what was there when I arrived."

This one is believable to me because I work at a building that has a ton of startups in it. There's a community area in the lobby that has 2 kegs you can go get beers from at any given time. They also host parties and meet and greets where they cater food and have any myriad of liquor. We get messages sometimes saying that one of the other startups in the building has had a party and there's leftovers. Usually leftovers means there's sandwiches or something but ALWAYS there's leftover beer/liquor.

It's a unique situation to be sure but not completely out of the realm of believably.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 17:16

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

tater_salad posted:

Tifstdh

Even the updates are full of didnt happen.

Unless this is a girl... What male human being moans loudly while masturbating ?

Also, Wtf if you're OK with your roommate just hear you gently caress or jerk off.

Edit. Corrected a ridiculous spelling of masturbating

Redrum and Coke has a new favorite as of 17:59 on Mar 14, 2015

# ? Mar 14, 2015 17:23

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

OptimusShr posted:

Except I am in the US and no stores actually do that, Swipe, enter PIN/sign an get you r receipt. The cashier does not need to handle your card id everything goes right.

I'm in Canada, we've had chip and pin forever, and I still have people too loving lazy to swipe their own cards, and some people are dumb, and a lot are passive aggressive about making the wage slave do everything.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 17:54

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

Non Serviam posted:

Unless this is a girl... What male human being moans loudly while madturbsting?

Also, Wtf if you're OK with your roommate just hear you gently caress or jerk off.

I kinda hope this one is for real because this sleaze bag deserved having his gf gently caress his roomate and then dump him

# ? Mar 14, 2015 17:56

Jay Rust: Sep 27, 2011

# ? Mar 14, 2015 18:31

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Jay Rust posted:

That sounds exactly like something a 14yo who thinks he's hilarious would do.

# ? Mar 14, 2015 23:37

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Obviously this is a prequel to that breaking pencils story.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 01:31

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Tunicate posted:

Obviously this is a prequel to that breaking pencils story.

A bully would laugh at him and beat him. Up.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 03:08

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Jay Rust posted:

"Stop distracting the class, but I'm not worried about that watermelon-cutting sized knife" - A Very Mysterious Math Teacher

# ? Mar 15, 2015 03:11

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

This all definitely, positively happened.

quote:

I planned a romantic evening. I picked her up and drive to a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere. We enjoyed a nice quiet meal. I drove her to the beach. It's one of those "drive on" beaches, so we were very secluded. I wanted the night to be just about us.
At this point, you're wondering how this became the worst date:
Turns outs she had a bad reaction to the food. While we were making out on the blanket she goes "oh no." And tells me she needs a rest room fast. But, we're on a secluded beach... No toilets. She says, "don't care need one n..." And before she finished the sentence, projectile vomits onto the beach. She then rushed down to the water vomiting everywhere, climbs into the ocean, and shits... Like, it's dusk, and I can see the water around her turning from a dark teal to a brownish. She's crying, and I'm soothing her from the sand. I'm being the good guy telling her it's not her fault... Until she says, "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that. This always happens." The gently caress? You knew this would happen... You knew my plans... And you did it anyway?
So, by this point I'm tempted to leave her there... Then I saw the fin. A loving bull shark starts swimming in. Now, I don't want to freak her out even more, so I say, "let's get you home come on out of there." She's too busy freaking out about the poo poo to follow my instructions.
The bull shark loving bit her ankle. I call 911. The fire dept. comes out, takes her to a local urgent care, and I follow along thanking whichever God I could think of that she didn't have to ride in my 4Runner and feeling like an rear end in a top hat about it.
Think this is the end? Nope. I'm sitting in urgent care waiting while she's in triage getting stitches. This 350lbs giant of a man is weeping in front of me. His wrists were bandaged. I asked him what was wrong. He said his girlfriend recently broke up with him and he tried to "end the pain." At this point, I'm feeling bad about the truck thing, so I decide to make up for it by letting him open up to me. It was a really sad story. I told him everything was going to work out. Told him about my night. We started to have a good laugh about it. Then my date walks out.
Guess what, motherfuckers? She's his ex. They talk. I sit and listen. Then end up getting back together right in front of me.
And that, kids, was the worst date ever.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 03:17

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Dienes posted:

This all definitely, positively happened.

I would laugh my rear end off if this was a plot point in some lovely frat pack movie.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 05:01

Errant Gin Monks: Oct 2, 2009; "Yeah..."
- Marshawn Lynch

bringmyfishback posted:

I would laugh my rear end off if this was a plot point in some lovely frat pack movie.

It needs to be made.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 05:07

i am the bird: Mar 2, 2005; I SUPPORT ALL THE PREDATORS

Dienes posted:

This all definitely, positively happened.

My date's name? Mileva Marić.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 05:59

sunken fleet: Apr 25, 2010; dreams of an unchanging future,
a today like yesterday,
a tomorrow like today.; Fallen Rib

OptimusShr posted:

Except I am in the US and no stores actually do that, Swipe, enter PIN/sign an get you r receipt. The cashier does not need to handle your card id everything goes right.

It's expected for you to do it yourself but the cashier can do it. It adds a layer of douchiness to the customer for forcing the cashier to do something the customer could/should do themselves. That's how I read it anyway.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 08:45

Elysiume: Aug 13, 2009; Alone, she fights.

FrozenVent posted:

I've been told the US doesn't do chip and PIN or NFC, so I guess the cashier would have a more intimate relationship with your card, since they'd have to check signatures.

In theory they might check signatures, but they never, ever do. Few people even sign their cards.

e: You can try to color in the signature box and at most it'll earn you a weird look from the cashier. They really don't care at all.

Elysiume has a new favorite as of 10:56 on Mar 15, 2015

# ? Mar 15, 2015 10:17

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Non Serviam posted:

A bully would laugh at him and beat him. Up.

STDH world is so different that their nerds out bully their bullies. Also said bullies are hilariously easily intimidated.

# ? Mar 15, 2015 13:26

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

This is a dumb derail, it's not unheard of for a place to not have a way for customers to swipe without handing over their card. I still assume the prevalence in stdh is people who are writing based on their memory of how shopping used to work, but it's still a thing

# ? Mar 15, 2015 16:05

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

# ? Mar 17, 2015 23:17

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

Tunicate posted:

This one is believable to me/this actually happened to me once

e:

EmmyOk posted:

This actually happened at my last job

# ? Mar 17, 2015 23:22

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Decrepus posted:

This one is believable to me/this actually happened to me once

e:

This actually happened at my last job

Are you God who is also a black woman?

# ? Mar 17, 2015 23:55

BrainDance: May 8, 2007; Disco all night long!

Decrepus posted:

This one is believable to me/this actually happened to me once

Yeah it's super believable. It's just some people talking right? It probably happened, but it's also a really weird embarrassing thing to say, probably spoken by some dork who would start crying the second he saw someone slightly threatening.

# ? Mar 18, 2015 17:00

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Tunicate posted:

Obviously this is a prequel to that breaking pencils story.

Pencils...Why's it always gotta be pencils?

quote:

Single-Handedly Stupid
OFFICE SUPPLY STORE | CALIFORNIA, USA | EXTRA STUPID
Me: �How are you doing? Did you find everything all right?�

Customer: �No, I was looking for left-handed writing instruments, but apparently, you don�t have them. I guess I�ll have to take my business somewhere else. I feel bad for my son, though. He has been suffering.�

Me: �Ma�am, I believe that all pencils and pens work for both right-handed and left-handed people.�

Customer: �Then, why is he suffering? He says his hand hurts every time he writes! You don�t understand!�

Me: �I am left-handed. I have been using the same pencils and pens as everyone else, and never had a problem.�

Customer: �I don�t like your tone! You are so disrespectful and unsympathetic! I want to speak to your manager!�

# ? Mar 18, 2015 20:53

kazil: Jul 24, 2005; Derpmph trial star reporter!

NAR stories are so formulaic they aren't even interesting.

-Customer said stupid or racist/sexist thing
-Worker calmly corrects them
-Customer continues to be stupid/racist/sexist
*Optional comeuppance inserted here*

# ? Mar 18, 2015 21:29

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Khazar-khum posted:

quote:
Single-Handedly Stupid
OFFICE SUPPLY STORE | CALIFORNIA, USA | EXTRA STUPID
Me: �How are you doing? Did you find everything all right?�

Customer: �No, I was looking for left-handed writing instruments, but apparently, you don�t have them. I guess I�ll have to take my business somewhere else. I feel bad for my son, though. He has been suffering.�

Me: �Ma�am, I believe that all pencils and pens work for both right-handed and left-handed people.�

Customer: �Then, why is he suffering? He says his hand hurts every time he writes! You don�t understand!�

Me: �I am left-handed. I have been using the same pencils and pens as everyone else, and never had a problem.�

Customer: �I don�t like your tone! You are so disrespectful and unsympathetic! I want to speak to your manager!�

I had to read this one through more than once because I couldn't tell if it was an actual NAR or a goon-made parody. Goddamn.

I was expecting a pencil-breaking-related punchline.

# ? Mar 18, 2015 23:19

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Sounds like undiagnosed dysgraphia to me!

Anyone want to write a parallel story?

# ? Mar 19, 2015 00:12

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

I think this is the right thread for newscasters believing fake things? This one randomly appeared after a different thread linked to a Monkey Island clip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdgJfHDS4YE

# ? Mar 19, 2015 00:22

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

What's NAR?

# ? Mar 19, 2015 18:13

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Boris Galerkin posted:

What's NAR?

Not Always Right, 99% of which is STDH.

# ? Mar 19, 2015 18:18

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Boris Galerkin posted:

What's NAR?

quote:

Not Always Right About Not Always Working
Fabric Store | TN, USA | Coworkers

(After a morning of needy customers, my coworker is irritated. I try to lighten the mood at bit.)

Me: �You should go to this site, NotAlwaysRight.com. It�s great for stress relief, and you can see all the stupid things customers say.�

Coworker: �Sounds like my life.�

Me: �Yeah, I know. There�s another one, NotAlwaysWorking.com, for lazy and stupid coworkers.�

Coworker: �Also sounds like my life.�

Me: �Yeah��

(The realization that I�m her coworker sinks in.)

Me: �Hey!�

# ? Mar 19, 2015 18:18

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Tunicate posted:

I hear studio audience laughter

# ? Mar 19, 2015 20:05

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

And that boy grew up to be Chris Kyle :911:

# ? Mar 20, 2015 00:03

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# ? May 27, 2024 11:04

dijon du jour: Mar 27, 2013; _{I'm shy}

Zaphod42 posted:

"Unfortunately 90% of the students learned nothing because she only bothered to explain things to the final class of the day."

# ? Mar 20, 2015 00:11

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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