PYF Hilarious joke to tell: what do i say next

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Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Snapchat A Titty posted:

is it because they piss it clean? otherwise idgi

It's because no one ever washes their hands.

# ? Mar 20, 2015 22:16

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 18:02

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

Wash their hands with piss?? :confused:

# ? Mar 20, 2015 22:18

tribbledirigible: Jul 27, 2004; I finally beat the internet. The end boss was hard.

Snapchat A Titty posted:

Wash their hands with piss??

This does not speak well of your cleaning habits.

# ? Mar 20, 2015 22:19

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Snapchat A Titty posted:

Wash their hands with piss??

What the gently caress are you going on about?

# ? Mar 20, 2015 22:20

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

What the gently caress are you going on about?

Sorry mate, was an obtuse attempt at outdoing the guy taking a second to get it.

# ? Mar 20, 2015 22:23

EXAKT Science: Aug 14, 2012; 8 on the Kinsey scale

My thought process was "but faucets are like the dirtiest things in bathrooms because everyone OOOOOOOOOOOOOH"

Congratulations, you've officially ruined a joke.

# ? Mar 20, 2015 23:12

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

EXAKT Science posted:

My thought process was "but faucets are like the dirtiest things in bathrooms because everyone OOOOOOOOOOOOOH"

Congratulations, you've officially ruined a joke.

That makes us two :sunglasses: *fistbump*

# ? Mar 21, 2015 00:00

Dross: Sep 26, 2006; Every night he puts his hot dogs in the trees so the pigeons can't get them.

Snapchat A Titty posted:

is it because they piss it clean? otherwise idgi

It's because no one ever touches it

Edit: oh hey there was a whole other page there

# ? Mar 21, 2015 00:05

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Guys it's a joke, you're overthinking it.

# ? Mar 21, 2015 00:16

Ernie.: Aug 31, 2012

Gynovore posted:

Guys it's a joke, you're overthinking it.

To be fair, the guys' washroom toilet handles are equally as clean!

# ? Mar 21, 2015 00:18

Hirayuki: Mar 28, 2010

I assume because they have those newfangled touchless faucets.

# ? Mar 21, 2015 00:19

Splizwarf: Jun 15, 2007; It's like there's a soup can in front of me!

Ernie. posted:

To be fair, the guys' washroom toilet handles are equally as clean!

No, they're exactly as dirty as the bathroom floor. :smuggo:

# ? Mar 21, 2015 00:46

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

I haven't the energy to write up my own version of this joke, so I have transcribed it from another browser window. It is a very good one, please enjoy: The man and the clown, a parable:

quote:

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "gently caress it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's rear end!!!!"
And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as gently caress. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

INSULT SCHOOL
Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!
'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his rear end off.
Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off m.f. hell bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.

He sees all the regular poo poo. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same poo poo they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's rear end!!!!"
And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says...

"gently caress YOU, CLOWN!"

# ? Mar 21, 2015 01:02

Dr_Amazing: Apr 15, 2006; It's a long story

Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!!

# ? Mar 21, 2015 01:59

WarpedNaba: Feb 8, 2012; Being social makes me swell!

To be honest that sounds a lot like recent rounds of Space Station 13.

# ? Mar 21, 2015 02:33

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

Dr_Amazing posted:

Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!!

Way better punchline

# ? Mar 21, 2015 04:21

duckmaster: Sep 13, 2004; Mr and Mrs Duck go and stay in a nice hotel.

One night they call room service for some condoms as things are heating up.

The guy arrives and says "do you want me to put it on your bill"

Mr Duck says "what kind of pervert do you think I am?!

QUACK QUACK

A guy is walking through the desert, dying of thirst. He's desperate for water but suddenly sees a market stall in the distance! He staggers towards it, praying it's not a mirage; finally he reaches it.

"Hello... have you... have you got any water?" he croaks.

"No, sorry mate, I don't sell water. I only sell jellied fruit."

"Jell.. jellied fruit? Does nowhere... have any water?" he gasps.

"You can try the next stall, they might...."

So the guy staggers onto the next stall, his head dizzy and his legs heavy.

"Do you... do you have... water...?"

"No, sorry buddy, I don't have any water. I've only got cold custard."

"Cold... cold custard?! I need water!"

"You could try the next stall, they might...."

He's desperate now. He can barely move his legs and arms, and almost crawls to the final stall. The stallkeeper is there, leaning against huge pots of cream.

"What's... what's this? I need.... water..."

"Sorry pal, no water here. Just whipped cream."

"Whipped... whipped cream? I've been to... to three stalls... and all you sell..... is... is... jellied fruit... and cold custard... and whipped cream... it doesn't make sense..."

"Well, it is a trifle bazaar"

# ? Mar 21, 2015 12:20

HaB: Jan 5, 2001; What are the odds?

duckmaster posted:

A guy is walking through the desert, dying of thirst. He's desperate for water but suddenly sees a market stall in the distance! He staggers towards it, praying it's not a mirage; finally he reaches it.

"Hello... have you... have you got any water?" he croaks.

"No, sorry mate, I don't sell water. I only sell jellied fruit."

"Jell.. jellied fruit? Does nowhere... have any water?" he gasps.

"You can try the next stall, they might...."

So the guy staggers onto the next stall, his head dizzy and his legs heavy.

"Do you... do you have... water...?"

"No, sorry buddy, I don't have any water. I've only got cold custard."

"Cold... cold custard?! I need water!"

"You could try the next stall, they might...."

He's desperate now. He can barely move his legs and arms, and almost crawls to the final stall. The stallkeeper is there, leaning against huge pots of cream.

"What's... what's this? I need.... water..."

"Sorry pal, no water here. Just whipped cream."

"Whipped... whipped cream? I've been to... to three stalls... and all you sell..... is... is... jellied fruit... and cold custard... and whipped cream... it doesn't make sense..."

"Well, it is a trifle bazaar"

I....I love you

# ? Mar 21, 2015 14:19

LargeHadron: May 19, 2009; They say, "you mean it's just sounds?" thinking that for something to just be a sound is to be useless, whereas I love sounds just as they are, and I have no need for them to be anything more than what they are.

I made up a bad joke. You have to tell it like you mean it to get a good reaction.

:haw:

: There's a hiker who likes to listen to music while he hikes. He made a playlist do you know what he called it?
:what:

: TRAIL MIX. Do you know what the first song on it is?
:what:

: THE PEANUTS THEME. Do you know what the second song is?
:what:

: IT'S BY EMINEM
:rolleyes:

# ? Mar 25, 2015 17:26

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

LargeHadron posted:

I made up a bad joke.

# ? Mar 25, 2015 20:02

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Let me follow up that bad joke with an even worse one I've made up:

How many SJWs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You can't be bothered to educate yourself, huh? Well, check your privilege!

# ? Mar 26, 2015 10:17

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

That's the worst skeleton warrior joke I ever did read.

# ? Mar 26, 2015 13:51

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

something illuminationqueer something cislight

# ? Mar 26, 2015 14:20

Szurumbur: Feb 17, 2011

Scene: a job interview

Recruiter: What would you say is your biggest flaw?
Candidate: I'm very frank.
Recruiter: In my opinion, that's not much of a flaw.
Candidate: I don't give a gently caress about your opinion.

# ? Mar 26, 2015 15:40

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Not really a joke, just something to make English majors cry:

For all intensive purposes, it IS a doggy dog world out there. But allow me to play doubles advocate; negative thoughts are a diamond dozen.

# ? Mar 26, 2015 18:02

Raitzeno: Nov 24, 2007; What? It seemed like
a good idea at the time.

LargeHadron posted:

I made up a bad joke. You have to tell it like you mean it to get a good reaction.

: There's a hiker who likes to listen to music while he hikes. He made a playlist do you know what he called it?

: TRAIL MIX. Do you know what the first song on it is?

: THE PEANUTS THEME. Do you know what the second song is?

: IT'S BY EMINEM

Track 3 is by...

# ? Mar 26, 2015 18:49

Triskelli: Sep 27, 2011; I AM A SKELETON
WITH VERY HIGH
STANDARDS

Non Serviam posted:

Not really a joke, just something to make English majors cry:

For all intensive purposes, it IS a doggy dog world out there. But allow me to play doubles advocate; negative thoughts are a diamond dozen.

I was about to be offended, but I stan correct it.

# ? Mar 26, 2015 21:57

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Kenny Logins posted:

That's the worst skeleton warrior joke I ever did read.

I'm super-sorry. I love skeleton warriors, I am a skeleton warrior! (I'm just still encased in flesh.)

# ? Mar 26, 2015 22:52

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

Triskelli posted:

I was about to be offended, but I stan correct it.

should of seen that coming

# ? Mar 26, 2015 22:55

Melondog: Oct 9, 2006

So have you guys heard about this new invention? It's a voice-activated barn exit, specifically made for cows. They call the company that makes it "The Microsoft of Farm Electronics," and the african-american entrepreneur who owns the biz has made billions from his many innovations, but he's best known for this one.

He's known as the Black Gates of Moo-er Door.

# ? Mar 26, 2015 23:01

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

should of seen that coming

Oh don't worry... I seen it.

# ? Mar 26, 2015 23:57

TheHomerTax: Dec 26, 2012; That's a high quality avatar right there.

Segmentation Fox posted:

So have you guys heard about this new invention? It's a voice-activated barn exit, specifically made for cows. They call the company that makes it "The Microsoft of Farm Electronics," and the african-american entrepreneur who owns the biz has made billions from his many innovations, but he's best known for this one.

He's known as the Black Gates of Moo-er Door.

Boo this man.

# ? Mar 27, 2015 00:56