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I work at the SF Giants Stadium. Last week, I was at work eavesdropping on a co worker ringing a woman up. She had her son, who looked about 8 to her. My co worker asked her if she wanted a bag and that they were 25 cents extra. The kid seemed really shocked to find that out and started insisting that he was never going to go shopping again and from now on, he was going to buy everything on Amazon. I didn't have the heart to tell him that shipping is also a thing. Also we have this machine with a touch screen that allows you to customize your jersey with a player's last name or your own. I caught another boy writing "Poop" on his jersey yesterday.
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Apr 21, 2015 02:24
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Morozko posted:Also we have this machine with a touch screen that allows you to customize your jersey with a player's last name or your own. I caught another boy writing "Poop" on his jersey yesterday. I'd wear a Poop jersey. edit:  im mentally 9 years old WITCHCRAFT has a new favorite as of 02:48 on Apr 21, 2015 |
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Apr 21, 2015 02:44
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My two year old nephew is a friggin' goldmine. For Easter my boyfriend and I had my family over for dinner. After dinner, we were all hanging out and of course, my son started crying. That's all he does. The scene went something like this: Son: "WAAAAAAAAAAH, MAAAAA!" Nephew: *staring at my son* Son: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Nephew: "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!" Yeah, I agree with you there, kid.
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Apr 21, 2015 03:07
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The other day I was tickling one of my 5 year old twins when her sister ran into the room and told me to leave her sister alone or she was going to cut my fingers off and make them into ham. The next day me and the ham making one was wrestling around and her sister told me that not only was she going to make ham out of my fingers, but she would deep-fry them as well. Then poop on them. Then they had to one-up each other with their threats. The last threat I got was my whole body was gonna be deepfried and then my eyes pooped on.
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Apr 21, 2015 09:22
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Kids and psychopaths: not so different.
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Apr 21, 2015 10:01
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Last night at dinner my son was saying something about how when I die he gets do do something. My wife said she doesnt want me to die so he changed it to her, then his sister. When we got done explaining we dont want anyone to have to die he threw his arms across his chest, stuck out his lip and said "fine, I guess I wont kill anyone then!"
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Apr 21, 2015 14:28
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10-year-old wanted Twizzlers. Me: Why do you think you should get to have some Twizzlers? Son: Because I'm hungry. And I'm AWESOME.
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Apr 21, 2015 17:54
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razorrozar posted:Kids and psychopaths: not so different. No joke. In addition to the 4 year old asking about eating people, I have his 7 year old brother asking what happens to him if he kills his little brother. I said that he would go to jail until he died and I would hate him forever for doing such a terrible thing. (I don't gently caress around with asking about killing people--especially your brother. I don't care if it's normal to "hate" your siblings like that; just hit him and get in normal trouble like a normal child.) He promptly told me that wasn't true because kids don't go to jail. I told him the me hating him part was absolutely true, regardless of where the police ended up putting him.  I swear, some days I fear they will turn me into a bonafide alcoholic.
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Apr 21, 2015 22:38
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How do you guys that are parents not end up laughing in your kids faces? Like the guy that said his kid got all serious and said "Oohh poo poo" in reference to something that happened. I would have immediately fallen over laughing. Is it something where you learn to hold it in until you're alone? Because I would not be able to wait to call my wife and say something like "You'll never guess what this little fucker just said/did"
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Apr 21, 2015 23:26
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It's hard. Sometimes you can't hold it in, which causes all sorts of trouble, because you just encouraged your two year old to say he's a "Bad Motherfucker" or something because you couldn't help laughing hysterically at it, because it was hilarious. other times you find yourself covering your mouth to fake cough or things like that quite a bit because you can only just control those urges because parent brain (which is literally a switch--I only have partial custody of my son and when he's not around, I totally don't think like a parent) keeps you realizing that it's bad for them to say and do these things.
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Apr 22, 2015 01:01
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mr pooglyfoop posted:The other day I was tickling one of my 5 year old twins when her sister ran into the room and told me to leave her sister alone or she was going to cut my fingers off and make them into ham. 
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Apr 23, 2015 01:52
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Me: Buddy, why don't you tell me a story? 3 year old nephew: Once upon a time, Spiderman was on a road on a motorcycle. The end.
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Apr 23, 2015 03:00
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Writer Cath posted:Me: Buddy, why don't you tell me a story? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
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Apr 23, 2015 03:10
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I wish I'd been around to hear this one out of my niece, but instead I only got to learn about it on facebook: (slightly edited for reading and getting rid of swear censoring)taiyoko's mom posted:Yesterday we were driving down the road, my husband driving, when someone pulled out in front of us almost causing an accident.
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Apr 23, 2015 03:15
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My mother does daycare and sometimes I'll help her out by playing with the kids. Today the 4-year-old boy wanted to wrestle with me but he was being a little too aggressive, so I said "I'm not going to play with you if you're so violent." His reply? "I'm not violent! Don't say that or I'll choke your neck until you die!"
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Apr 23, 2015 03:22
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I teach an ESL class a couple nights a week, and sometimes people bring their kids along. One girl came up to me before class and we had this conversation: Her: Is your mom dead yet? Me: No, she's still alive. Her: You're going to be really sad when she dies. You're going to cry for days and weeks and months. Me: Yes, definitely. Her: She's probably going to die soon. I think I need to call my mom.
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Apr 24, 2015 01:42
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A couple more gems from my niece, who is "three-and-a-halv" now. She told me she needed the potty, took off, and when she opens the door I hear her say "one, two, three, hit it!" before turning on the light switch. She also later put on a pair of her dad's subglasses and said "cool story, dude". Finally, I picked her up from her grandma one night, and she asked for rock and roll. Typically she'll jam out to Rammstein with me (I'm aware the lyrics are terrible, so I'm weaning her onto Megaherz, Linkin Park and the like,), but I put on the radio and the Offspring were playing. Cue the most amazing carseat dance ever. She even had me turn up the volume for the guitar bridge. "Gotta keep 'em separated!" So basically she's a bro that likes princess dresses.
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Apr 24, 2015 03:56
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Florida Betty posted:I teach an ESL class a couple nights a week, and sometimes people bring their kids along. One girl came up to me before class and we had this conversation: My grandma passed away when I was about 6, and a while after her funeral we were at my aunt's house for lunch. Apparently I turned to my dad and said, "do you think gran is a skeleton yet?"
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Apr 24, 2015 07:05
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Nekodoshi posted:I picked her up from her grandma one night, and she asked for rock and roll. Typically she'll jam out to Rammstein with me (I'm aware the lyrics are terrible) The lyrics are German. I remember when I was babysitting some cousins around that age and they were enjoying Rammstein. I freaked out when one of their more obscene songs came on, then I remembered that none of them can understand German anyway. Are you worried that she's going to ask for a translation?
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Apr 24, 2015 07:13
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Chamale posted:The lyrics are German. I remember when I was babysitting some cousins around that age and they were enjoying Rammstein. I freaked out when one of their more obscene songs came on, then I remembered that none of them can understand German anyway. Are you worried that she's going to ask for a translation? Mother's request, not gonna bother fighting the lady on that one. 
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Apr 24, 2015 08:29
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I work in a pharmacy and I don't really deal with a lot of kids...because, yanno. Take your sick kids home. About two days ago I had a lady approach me with a kid who was probably...seven tops. She asked me where we had home drug tests (I know) and eye wash. She then proceeded to inform me that her son had a chia seed stuck in his eye. How does that even happen? Anyway, the kid pretty much..exploded. He threw his M&Ms onto the floor, which he had been clutching against his chest as if it was the only thing keeping him on the ground, and flailed his arms everywhere. Kid: "I DON'T HAVE A SEED STUCK IN MY EYE, MOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Mom: "You do, honey. Let's just get the eye wash from the nice lady." Kid: "BUT I DON'T HAVE A SEED IN MY EEEEEEYEEEEE, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?!" Mom: "Why are you yelling?" Kid: "AAAAAAAAUGHMOMIDON'THAVEASEEDINMYEYEIWANNAGOHOME."  I can't tell if he was angry or embarrassed or what but he kept on screeching like that the entire time he was in the store. And he left his M&Ms.
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Apr 25, 2015 03:40
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Aristophanes posted:My grandma passed away when I was about 6, and a while after her funeral we were at my aunt's house for lunch. Apparently I turned to my dad and said, "do you think gran is a skeleton yet?" Pop-pop (my mother's father) collapsed and died while brushing his teeth when I was 2 years old. When i heard about it a couple years later I got weirdly obsessed with whether he finished brushing his teeth or not, and kept pestering the adults for answers.
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Apr 25, 2015 04:12
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razorrozar posted:Kids and psychopaths: not so different. Psychopaths are just kids that have failed to grow into adulthood. I think its worse when adults say things kids would normally say. Like talking about themselves as a person, but actually describing their fantasy ideal self with a sense of perfection. Yes we've all graduated middleschool...
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Apr 25, 2015 07:41
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWdEOpdSmS0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9sDl2JDUhU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ty9UqdN38eg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTijWHF20Rs
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Apr 25, 2015 08:10
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razorrozar posted:If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I forgot to mention that when he finished, he immediately fell asleep. Guess that counted for his bedtime story 
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Apr 26, 2015 14:57
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My 7-year-old had just found an old Burger King paper crown in his room when I poked my head in to ask what he wanted for a bedtime snack. I would like some Golden Grahams ...*pause, deliberately puts on the crown*  ... for I am the king.Me: Uh, yes, your majesty.
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Apr 27, 2015 08:55
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I have two brothers, Middle Brother (MB) and Older Brother (OB). OB drives a new BMW, it is important to the story, and also gives you a good mental image of the type of guy we are dealing with. So I am at my parents house with my brothers, we're just lounging about and chatting, when MBs son comes in and MB prompts him. MB : What do we say about OB? nephew : OB, you're a CHUMP! OB : Oh yeah, well I have an awesome car. (Since we have to show up a 7 year old.) nephew : Yeah? *pause* A CHUMP CAR! OOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. High fives all around.
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Apr 27, 2015 16:28
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4 year old: Is derpy a bad word? Um, yes? It's a rude word; like stupid. [Where in the Hell are you hearing "derpy"?!] Like what the gently caress, right Mommy? Yes, like that. Don't say that; that's a very rude grown up word. gently caress yeah, Mom, I know. So much parenting fail.Also, my 7 y.o. made himself An Angry Box. It's a box from a hose reel we just bought, that he took and labeled himself: "Tim's Angry Box", with a Mr Yuck looking mad face and a "Keep Out" with a line through it. It's for sitting in when he's angry, obviously. (I was actually pretty impressed with him for devising a positive coping strategy like that, but it's still pretty funny.)
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Apr 27, 2015 22:30
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My two year old son likes to watch the water go down the drain when bath time is over. After his most recent bath, he was on all fours looking down at it and just said in a monotone voice "Yes... yes..."
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Apr 27, 2015 23:46
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Maximum dad level attained yesterday. My eldest, who is 3, is home from daycare because he has a small coldsore, and the daycare won't take him. So I stayed home from work and we hung out. Coming up on lunch time, we're in the kitchen when he says "Dad, I'm hungry." I see my chance, and deliver the bomb. Hi Hungry, I'm dad!" He simultaneously grins really wide while frowning, and goes "Daaaaaaad, I'm not Hungry, I'm hungr.... no, wait... NOOOOOOOOO!!!" It was more than I could ever hope it could be. His mother, when told, accused me of trying to melt his poor little brain. It was hilarious, and totally worth putting up with that poo poo from my father as a kid, just to do it to my kids.
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Apr 28, 2015 00:45
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princecoo posted:Maximum dad level attained yesterday. My eldest, who is 3, is home from daycare because he has a small coldsore, and the daycare won't take him. So I stayed home from work and we hung out. The moment their first child is born, a light from heaven comes down and elucidates every single father that this right here is their new purpose in life. Every single father in this thread will confirm this.
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Apr 28, 2015 15:19
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Choco1980 posted:The moment their first child is born, a light from heaven comes down and elucidates every single father that this right here is their new purpose in life. Every single father in this thread will confirm this. As a mother, I believe my corollary job is to roll my eyes and say "stop teasing the poor child!" whenever this happens.
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Apr 28, 2015 16:26
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Choco1980 posted:It's hard. Sometimes you can't hold it in, which causes all sorts of trouble, because you just encouraged your two year old to say he's a "Bad Motherfucker" or something because you couldn't help laughing hysterically at it, because it was hilarious. other times you find yourself covering your mouth to fake cough or things like that quite a bit because you can only just control those urges because parent brain (which is literally a switch--I only have partial custody of my son and when he's not around, I totally don't think like a parent) keeps you realizing that it's bad for them to say and do these things. Or sometimes you're just so shocked/dumbfounded by what a little kid says that you just sit there all  and THEN walk out of the room to laugh your rear end off so they can't hear you.No kids of my own, but I remember when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old I was hanging with my older cousin and we were eating leftover spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. I bit into one and in the goofiest fake Italian accent, looked over at him and said "You mama make-a good-a meata-ball!" We laughed so hard I inhaled a piece and almost choked to death, my aunt kinda freaked out but she practically wet herself once I was OK (and still laughing about it).
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Apr 28, 2015 19:37
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My bf was messing around with his niece (4) asking what names were short for Shannon was short for Shanita (okay) Connor... Con (hmm not sure you're getting this) Declan (her Dad)... Dick. I choked on my tea. I showed her a picture of my cat and she made up a really sweet song about how Binx and Slinks (Slinky, bfs brothers cat) were best friends and shared all their toys and played games together. She's way better than any of the kids in my family 
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Apr 28, 2015 20:11
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Choco1980 posted:The moment their first child is born, a light from heaven comes down and elucidates every single father that this right here is their new purpose in life. Every single father in this thread will confirm this. When I was a kid I asked my mom if we could get some Fruit by the Foot. She went "Sure!" I was THRILLED because she never agreed to buy poo poo like that. And then she plopped her foot on the counter, set a blueberry next to it, and started laughing her rear end off. It was twenty years ago but I can still vividly remember how disgusted I was. 
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Apr 29, 2015 05:55
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"Hey, young bringmyfishback, you wanna hear a dirty joke?" "Yeah!!!!" "A white horse fell into a mud puddle." "Daaaaaaad, that's not a joke!" "Yeah, not to you." *laughs at me and goes to secretly smoke pot in the basement* My dad is cool.
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Apr 29, 2015 11:34
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My ex girlfriend has a four year old and a few days ago he did a pretty weighty poo and named it "Fat Ben". I'm still laughing.
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Apr 29, 2015 18:37
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I don't know the context, but I distinctly remember (age 6 or 7 roughly) really proudly announcing to my mother that English was the best language. Why? "Because it's the only one you don't have to translate to understand!" 
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Apr 29, 2015 22:19
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I used to be a camp counselor for 4 to 6 year olds. One day I was sitting at the table coloring with the kids when Ben, next to me, announced "I got superman underwear for my birthday!" The other kids seemed impressed, so he stood up, offered to show them, and started to unbutton his pants. I intervened at this point, and reminded him that his underwear should stay UNDER his pants while he's at camp! Ben was totally okay with this, shrugged, and sat back down. However, the little girl to my right said, like it was part of the same message, "And you should never touch your vagina in public!" I was totally dumbstruck at first, then managed to say "Uh huh!" before excusing myself and rushing to the hallway to laugh.
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Apr 30, 2015 01:24
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At my sister's wedding, my two nieces (who are cousins) got to wear matching dresses that are replicas of Cinderella's wedding dress from the recent movie. They are 5 and 6, and are best friends. Before the wedding we were standing around visiting and people kept stopping to take pictures of the adorable girls. The wedding photographer spent 10 minutes taking pictures and putting them in poses. When we sat down for the ceremony, I had this conversation with the 6 year old  People keep taking my pictureMe: They do (in a stage whisper) I think I'm famousI just had to smile. She was so sincere.
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Apr 30, 2015 05:08
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