PYF Stupid Lifehacks: Oh, so that's how you smoke a jay.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Stupid Lifehacks: Oh, so that's how you smoke a jay.

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Centripetal Horse: Nov 22, 2009; Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

Spoeank posted:

Actually it's not demeaning at all and it teaches a lot of good skills. Like not acting like this, for example.

Case in point: my fiancee's brother acted like a massive douche bag all the time until he got a job in the real world bagging groceries and he realized you can't actually get away with acting like that for your whole life. Now he's a cool dude.

CAREER DOUCHEBAG REFORMED BY THE NOBILITY OF MINIMUM WAGE STRUGGLE

Spoeankville, April 25th -- In a tale worthy of Aesop's fables, a Spoeankville man previously known for his lovely attitude and lack of useful skills has today become a productive member of society. The man, who spoke on condition of anonymity, tells this publication that he credits the change to the time he has spent bagging groceries at a local supermarket. The man tells us that, some weeks, he is given as many as thirty hours of work, and can afford both electricity and food, although not necessarily at the same time. Although the job presents some challenges, such as not knowing which days he will be working, or for how many hours, and an expectation that he be available nearly all of the hours he doesn't work in order to satisfy the whims of his superiors, our source has maintained a positive outlook. Here's what he had to say:

"It's been a real blessing."

When asked to tell us how this experience has made him a better person, the interviewee told us, "You know, I used to be kind of a dick. I had a chip on my shoulder, and I expected things to be handed. to me. After a couple years of being at the bottom of the social, financial, and corporate pecking orders, my perspective has really changed. I think the thing that has helped the most is the constant fear. I'm always one week away from being on the streets, and my bosses know it. I know they know it, because they show it in little ways. Like, they constantly remind me how replaceable I am, and that I have virtually no job security or legal protection of any kind. They make it clear that I am barely human by constantly changing my shifts and hours, deriding my work, and instituting insulting and ever-changing policies. There's really nothing like the specter of homelessness and poverty to motivate you to shut up and do what you're told. Also, the constant abuse from our patrons has been a big factor. I am proud to say that this job has shaped me, the way you shape a piece of steak by pounding on it, and pounding on it, and pounding on it with a steel mallet, until all the connective tissue is broken down and there's nothing left but a limp and pliable slab of meat.

Our anonymous source tells us that those aren't the only benefits to the time he's spent sacking wine and chicken nuggets for suburban housewives. "I'm learning valuable skills. For instance, I used to put canned goods in with the bread. Now, I know not to put canned goods in with the bread. It's that sort of real-world-applicable knowledge that's going to help me get ahead in life. Sure, I'm up early, and asleep late, and I struggle to make ends meet, and there's no hope of advancement within my company, but it's all worthwhile, because 'grocery bagger' looks amazing on a resume. Hiring managers know that bagging groceries teaches important skills that can be applied to any job. They know I won't put canned goods in with the bread. They know I've spent hours standing at the end of a conveyor belt while customers argue with cashiers over expired ten-cents-off coupons for Fancy Feast. When a potential employer sees that I spent time doing this job, he knows I am a piece of steak that has already been tenderized by life. They respect that."

When asked what career he hopes to transfer into with his new-found skills and improved personality, he told us:

"My first choice is research chemist. If that doesn't work out, maybe astronaut. I have some resumes out, but I haven't heard back yet."

We can only hope that more of today's youth embrace the experience of drudgery and low pay, for the bagger of today is the moon-man of tomorrow.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 00:10

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# ? May 29, 2024 06:11

champagne posting: Apr 5, 2006; YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER

Bravo, sir, bravo

# ? Apr 26, 2015 00:31

Verdugo: Jan 5, 2009; Lipstick Apathy

EZipperelli posted:

As someone already mentioned, I don't want juices from raw meat/chicken leaking out of the saran wrap they use to package the meat. It's far from nonpermiable, and I'm not a fan of salmonella.

Even if you wash your veggies before you eat them, no one washes them in water hot enough to kill salmonella, and no one uses soap on their vegetables either.

One weird tip. Have the bagger bag the soap along with the vegetables and meat, then when the soap leaks it rinses the meat juice off the veg!

# ? Apr 26, 2015 01:35

Shwqa: Feb 13, 2012

Verdugo posted:

One weird tip. Have the bagger bag the soap along with the vegetables and meat, then when the soap leaks it rinses the meat juice off the veg!

I just put all my groceries though the dishwasher. Cleans off the meat juices and cooks my pasta.

then I throw that poo poo on the ground like a animal

# ? Apr 26, 2015 01:38

zidane13: Jan 2, 2005; by Smythe

lifehack: sculpt a pipe out of sculpey, it doesn't even need to be baked. but you will be

# ? Apr 26, 2015 01:46

Geoj: May 28, 2008; BITTER POOR PERSON

Wait - do grocery stores even have baggers anymore? All the major grocery stores by me offloaded that responsibility to the cashier years ago.

Employerhack: fire as many employees as possible, cut the wages of those who remain and force them to do what would have previously been the duties of two or more employees.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 02:21

Centripetal Horse: Nov 22, 2009; Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

Geoj posted:

Wait - do grocery stores even have baggers anymore? All the major grocery stores by me offloaded that responsibility to the cashier years ago.

You must live in a ritzy area. Around here, they've offloaded that responsibility to the customers.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 02:39

titties: May 10, 2012; They're like two suicide notes stuffed into a glitter bra

Geoj posted:

Wait - do grocery stores even have baggers anymore? All the major grocery stores by me offloaded that responsibility to the cashier years ago.

Employerhack: fire as many employees as possible, cut the wages of those who remain and force them to do what would have previously been the duties of two or more employees.

The grocery stores I go to don't have baggers. Or bags. They have a long table near the exit where they put oddly-shaped empty boxes for you to try to fit your groceries in.

Lifehack: bag your own groceries and rest assured that they are bagged "correctly" walla

# ? Apr 26, 2015 02:39

Nightmare Zone: Aug 3, 2014; Do you like sucking jalapenos?

zidane13 posted:

lifehack: sculpt a pipe out of sculpey, it doesn't even need to be baked. but you will be

That poo poo's more expensive than a regular old pipe. But then you could also make it terrible mushed-playdough colors, so

# ? Apr 26, 2015 02:42

JacquelineDempsey: Aug 6, 2008; Women's Circuit Bender Union Local 34

Centripetal Horse posted:

CAREER DOUCHEBAG REFORMED BY THE NOBILITY OF MINIMUM WAGE STRUGGLE

Maybe it's my got-a-Master's-yet-can't-hired rear end talking, but this is a thing of beauty.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 03:00

Geoj: May 28, 2008; BITTER POOR PERSON

titties posted:

The grocery stores I go to don't have baggers. Or bags. They have a long table near the exit where they put oddly-shaped empty boxes for you to try to fit your groceries in.

Lifehack: bag your own groceries and rest assured that they are bagged "correctly" walla

Lifehack: don't shop at Aldi or Save-a-Lot, no worry about getting stabbed in the parking lot.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 03:03

dentist toy box: Oct 9, 2012; There's a haint in the foothills of NC; the haint of the #3 chevy. The rich have formed a holy alliance to exorcise it but they'll never fucking catch him.

The Aldi stores around here are usually really clean and in decent areas.

But yeah Save a lot not so much.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 03:23

zidane13: Jan 2, 2005; by Smythe

Nightmare Zone posted:

That poo poo's more expensive than a regular old pipe. But then you could also make it terrible mushed-playdough colors, so

lifehacks are situational.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 04:01

Spoeank: Jul 16, 2003; That's a nice set of 11 dynasty points there, it would be a shame if 3 rings were to happen with it

Kugyou no Tenshi posted:

Your "case in point" is someone who didn't learn that he shouldn't act like an rear end to other people without the possibility of punishment for his actions. That's the lowest level of moral development, the one people are expected to grow out of once they're out of diapers.
Lifehack: Progress to at least the reward-seeking stage so people don't think you deserve to work a poo poo job for poo poo pay.

Yea. A lot like this.

And Centripetal Horse too.

Maybe you should go bag groceries then you could actually have contributed something of value

# ? Apr 26, 2015 04:27

Prof. Moriarty: Dec 6, 2003; Not the regular Professor Moriarty, the hologram Professor Moriarty where the holodeck malfunctioned and he created the whole fake hologram enterprise and fooled the Captain. Oh, and he tried to escape with his girlfriend once, but he was foiled.

JacquelineDempsey posted:

Maybe it's my got-a-Master's-yet-can't-hired rear end talking, but this is a thing of beauty.

No, my 3-degrees-and-making-poverty-wages rear end KNOWS that post was a stroke of genius.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 04:50

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Centripetal Horse posted:

CAREER DOUCHEBAG REFORMED BY THE NOBILITY OF MINIMUM WAGE STRUGGLE

Spoeankville, April 25th -- In a tale worthy of Aesop's fables, a Spoeankville man previously known for his lovely attitude and lack of useful skills has today become a productive member of society. The man, who spoke on condition of anonymity, tells this publication that he credits the change to the time he has spent bagging groceries at a local supermarket. The man tells us that, some weeks, he is given as many as thirty hours of work, and can afford both electricity and food, although not necessarily at the same time. Although the job presents some challenges, such as not knowing which days he will be working, or for how many hours, and an expectation that he be available nearly all of the hours he doesn't work in order to satisfy the whims of his superiors, our source has maintained a positive outlook. Here's what he had to say:

"It's been a real blessing."

When asked to tell us how this experience has made him a better person, the interviewee told us, "You know, I used to be kind of a dick. I had a chip on my shoulder, and I expected things to be handed. to me. After a couple years of being at the bottom of the social, financial, and corporate pecking orders, my perspective has really changed. I think the thing that has helped the most is the constant fear. I'm always one week away from being on the streets, and my bosses know it. I know they know it, because they show it in little ways. Like, they constantly remind me how replaceable I am, and that I have virtually no job security or legal protection of any kind. They make it clear that I am barely human by constantly changing my shifts and hours, deriding my work, and instituting insulting and ever-changing policies. There's really nothing like the specter of homelessness and poverty to motivate you to shut up and do what you're told. Also, the constant abuse from our patrons has been a big factor. I am proud to say that this job has shaped me, the way you shape a piece of steak by pounding on it, and pounding on it, and pounding on it with a steel mallet, until all the connective tissue is broken down and there's nothing left but a limp and pliable slab of meat.

Our anonymous source tells us that those aren't the only benefits to the time he's spent sacking wine and chicken nuggets for suburban housewives. "I'm learning valuable skills. For instance, I used to put canned goods in with the bread. Now, I know not to put canned goods in with the bread. It's that sort of real-world-applicable knowledge that's going to help me get ahead in life. Sure, I'm up early, and asleep late, and I struggle to make ends meet, and there's no hope of advancement within my company, but it's all worthwhile, because 'grocery bagger' looks amazing on a resume. Hiring managers know that bagging groceries teaches important skills that can be applied to any job. They know I won't put canned goods in with the bread. They know I've spent hours standing at the end of a conveyor belt while customers argue with cashiers over expired ten-cents-off coupons for Fancy Feast. When a potential employer sees that I spent time doing this job, he knows I am a piece of steak that has already been tenderized by life. They respect that."

When asked what career he hopes to transfer into with his new-found skills and improved personality, he told us:

"My first choice is research chemist. If that doesn't work out, maybe astronaut. I have some resumes out, but I haven't heard back yet."

We can only hope that more of today's youth embrace the experience of drudgery and low pay, for the bagger of today is the moon-man of tomorrow.

True brilliance at work here, lads!

# ? Apr 26, 2015 05:41

Magic Hate Ball: May 6, 2007; ha ha ha!
you've already paid for this

What the gently caress kind of leaky-rear end soap are you people buying?

# ? Apr 26, 2015 06:33

Geoj: May 28, 2008; BITTER POOR PERSON

It never matters, even if it's bar soap they want it in a separate bag. People are idiots when it comes to having their groceries bagged.

Once I had an older (50ish?) woman come through my lane with a toothbrush, a sample size bottle of mouthwash and a box of baking soda. I put all three in one bag.

"Oh no, that's too heavy."

*put baking soda in one bag, toothbrush and mouthwash in other*

"Still too heavy!"

:suicide:

# ? Apr 26, 2015 07:54

A FUCKIN CANARY!!: Nov 9, 2005

I've never heard of any of these rules for how I'm supposed to bag things yet I've never gotten soap poisoning or had my groceries undergo spontaneous combustion or whatever. I put obviously crushable things closer to the top of the bag, but other than that I just put things in however they fit and it's always worked fine.

If I go to the store and pick up some shampoo, some stew meat, and a can of crushed tomatoes it's not like I'm going to walk home carrying them in three separate bags.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 13:34

Kuiperdolin: Sep 5, 2011; to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022

Geoj posted:

It never matters, even if it's bar soap they want it in a separate bag. People are idiots when it comes to having their groceries bagged.

Once I had an older (50ish?) woman come through my lane with a toothbrush, a sample size bottle of mouthwash and a box of baking soda. I put all three in one bag.

"Oh no, that's too heavy."

*put baking soda in one bag, toothbrush and mouthwash in other*

"Still too heavy!"

Well throw in a free helium balloon instead of not helping.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 15:30

ToxicSlurpee: Nov 5, 2003; -=SEND HELP=-; Pillbug

A FUCKIN CANARY!! posted:

I've never heard of any of these rules for how I'm supposed to bag things yet I've never gotten soap poisoning or had my groceries undergo spontaneous combustion or whatever. I put obviously crushable things closer to the top of the bag, but other than that I just put things in however they fit and it's always worked fine.

If I go to the store and pick up some shampoo, some stew meat, and a can of crushed tomatoes it's not like I'm going to walk home carrying them in three separate bags.

My father was killed by improperly bagged soap. It jumped out and knifed him before he could react. This is some serious poo poo, yo.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 20:47

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

something something dump soap meat on the floor something something a animal walla

# ? Apr 26, 2015 21:33

Doctor_Acula: May 24, 2011

Just keep your meat in a chainmail made of bread tags to protect it from soaps.

# ? Apr 26, 2015 23:54

blunt for century: Jul 4, 2008; I've got a bone to pick.

Believe it or not, I actually found a good alternative use for bread tags the other day

Guitar picks.

I couldn't find a guitar pick anywhere for some reason, dunno why I have dozens, so I just grabbed the bread tag from my bagels and trimmed it with some tinsnips and it made a fairly OK guitar pick. That is the end of the story.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 00:03

ghost host: Apr 17, 2010; ain't got no cash
ain't go no style

the only way to eat Oreos now I guess?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd6c9Hkl9zY

# ? Apr 27, 2015 00:38

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

diabeetz posted:

the only way to eat Oreos now I guess?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd6c9Hkl9zY

Too much effort. I think I would rather...ummmmm...throw them on the floor and eat them like a dirty animal?

(Now there's a wonderful YouTube idea.)

# ? Apr 27, 2015 00:41

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Doctor_Acula posted:

Just keep your meat in a chainmail made of bread tags to protect it from soaps.

I have a special pair of shoes with compartments to keep my meat warm and tasty and free from soap.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 01:03

PubicMice: Feb 14, 2012; looking for information on posts

diabeetz posted:

the only way to eat Oreos now I guess?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd6c9Hkl9zY

What happens if I try to eat them in a different way? Will they turn into poison and also explode?

# ? Apr 27, 2015 02:14

Ape Has Killed Ape: Sep 15, 2005

PubicMice posted:

What happens if I try to eat them in a different way? Will they turn into poison and also explode?

I attempted to eat some Oreos as a test, in several different ways. Any attempt that was not the prescribed method in the video resulted in the Oreo turning to ash in my mouth. I guess that really is the only way to eat Oreos now.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 03:18

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

Samizdata posted:

Too much effort. I think I would rather...ummmmm...throw them on the floor and eat them like a dirty animal?

(Now there's a wonderful YouTube idea.)

Wouldn't the true lifehack be to dip them in premade frosting rather than carefully deconstruct a dozen cookies and turn the filling into lard frosting?

# ? Apr 27, 2015 03:30

Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

Dienes posted:

Wouldn't the true lifehack be to dip them in premade frosting rather than carefully deconstruct a dozen cookies and turn the filling into lard frosting?

The other frosting is probably better for you than the stuff in an oreo.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 03:39

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

diabeetz posted:

the only way to eat Oreos now I guess?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd6c9Hkl9zY

Username + post combo. :golfclap:

# ? Apr 27, 2015 03:41

IrvingWashington: Dec 9, 2007; Shabbat Shalom; Clapping Larry

Magic Hate Ball posted:

What the gently caress kind of leaky-rear end soap are you people buying?

I make my own :nws:

(soap and leaky rear end)

# ? Apr 27, 2015 05:08

Birb Katter: Sep 18, 2010; BOATS STOPPED
CARBON TAX AXED
TURNBULL AS PM
LIBERALS WILL BE RE-ELECTED IN A LANDSLIDE

Mithranderp posted:

carve a nice glory hole into an unsliced loaf

$2 fleshlight.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 07:42

Centripetal Horse: Nov 22, 2009; Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

Youtube hack: you can zoom in on the timeline. I just learned this by accident, when my USB port went on the fritz and froze my mouse button down for a while.

It doesn't just make the trackbar taller, it zooms in on the timeline for real. You can move in smaller increments very easily.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 18:07

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Centripetal Horse posted:

Youtube hack: you can zoom in on the timeline. I just learned this by accident, when my USB port went on the fritz and froze my mouse button down for a while.

It doesn't just make the trackbar taller, it zooms in on the timeline for real. You can move in smaller increments very easily.

A legitimate #lifehack here folks!

Seriously this owns.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 18:19

PubicMice: Feb 14, 2012; looking for information on posts

Centripetal Horse posted:

Youtube hack: you can zoom in on the timeline. I just learned this by accident, when my USB port went on the fritz and froze my mouse button down for a while.

It doesn't just make the trackbar taller, it zooms in on the timeline for real. You can move in smaller increments very easily.

Not stupid enough, mods please ban. :colbert:

# ? Apr 27, 2015 19:33

m2pt5: May 18, 2005; THAT GOD DAMN MOSQUITO JUST KEEPS COMING BACK

Centripetal Horse posted:

Youtube hack: you can zoom in on the timeline. I just learned this by accident, when my USB port went on the fritz and froze my mouse button down for a while.

It doesn't just make the trackbar taller, it zooms in on the timeline for real. You can move in smaller increments very easily.

Are you using the Flash player or the HTML5 player? Either that feature is currently not rolled out to everyone, or it's not in the HTML5 player.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 19:52

Centripetal Horse: Nov 22, 2009; Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

bradzilla posted:

Seriously this owns.

Yeah, it does. I think I actually said, "Whoa."

PubicMice posted:

Not stupid enough, mods please ban.

I think I have immunity after my participation in Wafflegate.

m2pt5 posted:

Are you using the Flash player or the HTML5 player? Either that feature is currently not rolled out to everyone, or it's not in the HTML5 player.

It's the HTML 5 player, but the feature does not appear to be available on all videos.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 20:16

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# ? May 29, 2024 06:11

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

I've seen that a few times in the past on really long videos where using the whole timeline would be unfeasible, although whenever I did it was always a zoomed in segment popping up automatically when you'd mouse over the line.

e: from a very cursory search it would appear that happens on videos above 90 minutes.

My Lovely Horse has a new favorite as of 21:19 on Apr 27, 2015

# ? Apr 27, 2015 21:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Stupid Lifehacks: Oh, so that's how you smoke a jay.

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