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Okay, here's a fresh one: My 4 year old son comes into our room way after bed time and says "Mom, I have one thing to tell you." We take a deep breath and ask what. He puts his hands together like he's holding a ball, all his fingertips touching and says "When I make this symbol it means I have a question." He looks at his hands, nods approval, and leaves.
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May 13, 2015 05:47
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| # ? May 17, 2024 17:03 |
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We went to a local pizza place last night and my 4yr son stops at the door and says "oh, neat, you can bring guns here!" They had up a no smoking sign but didnt have the no weapons sign so of course that means "everyone bring your guns!"
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May 13, 2015 14:51
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Putting my 5 year old to bed last night, and he's playing with his cars. Now this kid *loves* cars, and probably has a few hundred hot wheels we've collected over the years. I've been shopping for a second car and he will usually grab a hot wheel and ask me if this is the kind of car we are going to get. Tonight he grabs a Bentley and asks if this is kind of car we are getting. I explained, no, that kind of car is *very* expensive and only very rich people can buy one. He gets really close to me and says: "Daddy, do you know what else you need to be very rich to buy?" "No, buddy. What?" He leans in even closer, and with the most deadpan, earnest expression, he says, "Rich chocolate cake."
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May 13, 2015 16:46
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TKIY posted:Putting my 5 year old to bed last night, and he's playing with his cars. Now this kid *loves* cars, and probably has a few hundred hot wheels we've collected over the years. Kudos to you if you kept a straight face after that, I would've died laughing. When my sister was really young she would pronounce "tr" sounds like "f" sounds. Her saying, "Look at all the fucks!" when we were in a parking lot was amusing. Oh, also going back to the creepy stuff, she once told my mom that she used to be the mommy and my mom was the daughter, and that they've done this several times before. They wanted to change things up so they switched roles, also they were looking for five golden rings or she asked if my mom remembered looking for them and when my mom said no she was just like, "Oh right, you've already forgotten all of that." I think she was like 3 or something. Also said they hadn't been with dad and me as long. I apparently said something similar to my mom when I was 2 or 3, like "I'm glad you're my mommy now" and then I teased her for not remembering before when she wasn't. My mom doesn't really remember because I was a bit vaguer and she didn't think it was weird until the second kid did the same thing. Brightman has a new favorite as of 19:57 on May 13, 2015 |
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May 13, 2015 19:49
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My kids' grandpa, my ex's dad, died last week. He was a great guy and the kids are just heartbroken. My aforementioned highly verbal autistic 7-year-old got antsy during the funeral service, so my mom handed him an offering envelope and pencil, thinking he'd draw on it. He writes "DEATH IS PART OF LIFE" and then starts filling the blank space around it with broken hearts. My mom's face was priceless. Later that day I comforted him by reminding him that approximately 25% of his DNA came from his grandpa.  ETA: Also, at the funeral, he quietly mused to me, "I wonder what it feels like to have your husband die." I asked him to please not ask Grandma this question, as it might make her sad. pookel has a new favorite as of 20:58 on May 15, 2015 |
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May 15, 2015 19:25
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pookel posted:My kids' grandpa, my ex's dad, died last week. He was a great guy and the kids are just heartbroken. My aforementioned highly verbal autistic 7-year-old got antsy during the funeral service, so my mom handed him an offering envelope and pencil, thinking he'd draw on it. He writes "DEATH IS PART OF LIFE" and then starts filling the blank space around it with broken hearts. My mom's face was priceless. Your kid is wonderful. My friends child said his first word the other day. It was "booty".
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May 16, 2015 06:16
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Tasty_Crayon posted:Your kid is wonderful. Awww. My nephew's first word was Belle. It's the name of my dog
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May 16, 2015 13:32
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My girlfriend coaches a debating team of 12-13 year old girls. In trying to prep them for a debate related to gender roles, she's trying to introduce them to the idea that many behaviours that we consider innately masculine or feminine are actually neither and are simply learned habits that are reinforced by various social forces. Having gone some way down this road already, she asks the girls, "So why do you think it is that boys don't wear dresses?" They pause for several second, earnestly thinking about the answer, before one says, "Boys aren't smart enough to wear dresses." The rest nod and murmur in agreement, without a trace of irony, and my girlfriend loses her poo poo. I find their conclusion pretty hard to argue with, really.
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May 16, 2015 16:58
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Astrofig posted:My little brother couldn't say 'remote control' until he was about five. Maybe six. Before that it always came out as 'kinmote kinfrol'. And 'Knife' was just 'ife'. Somewhere in Redmond, a Microsoft middle manager just smiled and called his friend in the Xbox division.
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May 16, 2015 18:04
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My 7yo daughter and I discovered Lip Sync Battles the other day, and we were working our way through a playlist of them on YouTube. Halfway through an episode someone does "I Just Had Sex", and by the time I realized what was going on we were already a verse into the song so I figured I'd let it ride. After it was over, she asked me "what does "just had sex" mean?", and I started to explain that it was something that adults did together because they loved each other, and... "Oh!" *makes the universal hand gesture for intercourse* I thought that had settled it, but I got a text from her mom today that she won't shut up about it, so I guess I have some "that's not a polite thing to talk about" conversation in my future. (I assume she learned it on the street like everyone else.)
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May 21, 2015 02:13
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Keystoned posted:We went to a local pizza place last night and my 4yr son stops at the door and says "oh, neat, you can bring guns here!" ....there's a .... a no weapons sign? I assume you live in the US?
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May 21, 2015 02:54
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Echeveria posted:....there's a .... a no weapons sign? Oh, honey. 
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May 21, 2015 03:00
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Brightman posted:Kudos to you if you kept a straight face after that, I would've died laughing. No, I completely loving lost it.
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May 21, 2015 03:37
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Echeveria posted:....there's a .... a no weapons sign? I always remember seeing "No Concealable Weapons" at the library and always asking/thinking "So what about a bazooka?"
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May 21, 2015 04:00
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Echeveria posted:....there's a .... a no weapons sign?  Like this. Usually seen at the entrance to courthouses, post offices, schools, libraries, etc. (My inner copy editor is trying to bite her tongue over this sign's implication that firearms aren't weapons.)
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May 21, 2015 04:24
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Yeah, I'm sure the kid took the fact that you see them all over schools (which is something that SHOULD be common sense) and turned the lack of a sign to mean it was okay there.
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May 21, 2015 06:14
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Basically yeah. They became a lot more common as concealed carry laws got more lax, and now that they've removed even the requirement for a liscense they are basically everywhere. Thanks Kansas! If everyone has a gun on them at all times with absolutely no training whatsoever "apparently the 2 hour class was too restrictive on freedoms!" then nothing can possibly go wrong! Same kid yesterday was playing mario kart 8 and got first place / a gold cup. I told him he won the prize and when he excitedly asked what the prize was I told him "a nap!" He looked at me straighfaced and totally deadpan said "thats a pretty crappy prize dad..."
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May 21, 2015 15:45
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From when my daughter had just turned three: We were at a restaurant, she waited until my wife had left the table before asking, quite loudly, "daddy, do we really need mommy?" The tables around us cracked up, and I missed my chance to ask her if she wanted to upgrade to mommy 2.0. Looking back, it was around the time I stopped editing the beginning of the Babar the Elephant story where Babar's mom is blown away by a hunter. Maybe she was just working some things out, but maybe not...
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May 21, 2015 21:30
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My nephew, 18 months of age, likes to spout what he thinks are nonesense syllables. Other day he comes through the kitchen screaming "PEE PEE PEE, POO POO POO!". Little tyke. Takes after his uncle.
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May 22, 2015 03:44
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When my nephew really started talking, the family was sitting around, asking him questions. It started out with the usual questions. "What does a doggie say? What does a cow say? What does a duck say?" I got bored. "Hey buddy, what does Mommy say?" The kiddo was quiet for a second, then busted out "Blahblahblahblahblah..." My brother in law immediately said "I didn't teach him that!"
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May 22, 2015 04:18
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My 5-year-old nephew fell behind on his vaccinations (parents aren't anti-vax, just lazy and disorganized). He had to get the shots to get registered for kindergarten this fall, so he got 5 shots in one day. He didn't cry. According to my sister, he said "I have to stay calm because if I open my mouth, all my calm will go out." I was a basket case when I had to get a booster before I went into 6th grade. Was pretty embarrassed for myself afterwards when it hardly hurt, and this little guy just kicked my rear end.
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May 22, 2015 04:32
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pookel posted:(My inner copy editor is trying to bite her tongue over this sign's implication that firearms aren't weapons.) NRA spergs and TFR posters revving up their engines right now to lecture you on how a GUN is not a WEAPON it is a TOOL and FURTHERMORE... Which would also qualify for this thread. 
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May 22, 2015 04:41
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My daughter, cheerfully to a family friend: "my daddy once called my mommy a wimp. now they're divorced!"
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May 22, 2015 06:34
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winnydpu posted:From when my daughter had just turned three: When I was a kid, apparently I loudly asked from the back of the car, "What do we even need dads for?"
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May 22, 2015 06:47
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At the daycare, a teacher was reading a book to the 2-3 year olds and at one part, a scrawny and lonely stray cat was hiding in a boat, taking shelter from the rain. One of the kids asked "Why the cat no sing 'Rain rain go away'?" The teacher told the kids that the cat didn't know the song. Another kid promptly raised his hand and volunteered "I can teach the cat!"
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May 22, 2015 07:11
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So, my son likes to watch Sesame Street while he has his before nap time snack. Fine, gives me time to actually drink a cup of coffee and do other mom chores. I was picking up the kitchen a bit when I hear: Murray  : "ARE YOU READY FOR ELMO'S WORLD????!"Son  : "No."He said that with all the seriousness that his two year old body could muster. He was not, in fact, ready for Elmo's World.
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May 22, 2015 13:33
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TINY T-REX ARMS posted:So, my son likes to watch Sesame Street while he has his before nap time snack. Fine, gives me time to actually drink a cup of coffee and do other mom chores. I was picking up the kitchen a bit when I hear: Kid knows what he wants.
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May 22, 2015 13:35
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I'm keeping a friend's kids this weekend; boy is 12 and starting "the change". Which led to this interesting conversation: "When you workout, does your belly button ever smell like cheese?" It took everything I had not to laugh because he asked in all seriousness (He's initiated similar more normal questions about "the change" in the past).
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May 22, 2015 18:33
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I've been dating this girl for about 2 months now and she has a son who is 5. She has a friend (who I've known for a while as well) who has an 8 year old and a 4 year old so all the kids hang out. The 8 year old very obviously has a crush on my girlfriend and is always trying to muscle me out of the picture. I went over to her house and the kids were all playing and then we went out to pizza for dinner. After we finished the pizza (we are still at the pizza place) he says "Bob, are you leaving now?" I go "No bro, I'm gonna buy you all ice cream!" So after ice cream we are walking back into the house and he looks at her "Bob is leaving now right?" and about an hour later when I did leave he walked me out and made sure to lock the door behind me. Earlier this week we took them to Chuck E Cheese for her sons birthday, so I go to her house and I grab the keys to her car (it has all the car seats in it). He didn't see that I had the keys so as they are all walking to the car he yells out "shot gun i get to sit next to [her name]!" She tells him that I'm driving and he pouts and says that he doesn't want to sit next to me. After Chuck E Cheese I take them to the comic book store to buy them all a comic, while I'm checking out, she takes them out to get them all buckled and he asks her if I was staying there and if he could sit up front with her.
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May 22, 2015 18:57
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That would get annoying after awhile. My son just turned one years old, and he doesn't speak yet, but apparently he doesn't need words to be effective. Every time a woman comes around he hams it up, and everyone goes gaga over him. He smiles and laughs. He's gonna have a great time in high school. He also is afraid of black people. Every time he sees one, doesn't matter if he was laughing the second before, he immediately starts freaking out and crying. He is also very afraid of my garden hose when I'm watering plants.
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May 23, 2015 06:00
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Not a personal example, but an oldie/goodie: I respect this kid's position re: cupcakes.
MisterBibs has a new favorite as of 06:28 on May 25, 2015 |
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May 25, 2015 06:20
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The other day my almost 5 year old nephew and I were telling jokes. I asked him if he knew how knock knock jokes worked, he said yes, and we had the following exchange: Me: Knock knock! Him: *pause* Come in! Okie dokie then. We went to the zoo yesterday and ended up at the lions - people were pretty excited to see them but when we got there they were sleeping, so all you really got a good view of was, as I said out loud "Sleeping butts". When I asked later what their favorite parts were, the 3 year old said it was the monkeys while the 5 year old told me it was the sleeping butts. I might be a Bad Aunt.
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May 26, 2015 05:24
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 Mommy! My weiner is all puffed up! LOOKIT!! That's great; weiners do that sometimes. It's how they work. But FEEL it Mommy!! It's big!! No thank you. Weiners are private and only for you to touch. Mommy or Daddy or the doctor would only touch it if there was a boo-boo, or something wrong. But it's puffed up--SEE MOMMY?!?!? FEEL IT!!! I see it. Pull up your underwear and go play. Seriously. If you want, tell Daddy about it when he gets home.Having boys may be the death of me. But a friend who has all girls had her littlest one keep sticking a finger in her vagina and asking her (mom) to smell it when she was about 2, so having girls may have been just as terrifying. Kids, man... At least he's done discussing eating a person?
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Jun 4, 2015 22:20
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Oh, God. Boys and their weiners. My two, at around 8 and 5.5 (younger is autistic and was slow to potty train): Elder: Hey, I have an idea for how you can tell when you need to pee. Younger: Oh? How can I tell? Elder: Because your penis gets all STRAIGHT. Me: Yes, that's something that happens sometimes when boys need to pee. Elder: No, Mommy. It happens to me ALL THE TIME. Er, thanks for sharing, kid.
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Jun 4, 2015 22:32
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My 3 year old daughter asked when she was gonna get her winky.
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Jun 5, 2015 01:29
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pookel posted:Oh, God. Boys and their weiners. My two, at around 8 and 5.5 (younger is autistic and was slow to potty train): That would actually make it harder to pee, though. It's not very good advice.
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Jun 5, 2015 10:59
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Phlegmish posted:That would actually make it harder to pee, though. It's not very good advice. You've never heard of a guard boner?
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Jun 5, 2015 11:00
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Jun 5, 2015 15:16
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So, I have my son for the summer. I attempted a dad joke with him: Me: What do you call an Alligator Detective (Answer: An Investi-gator) Him: Um, don't tell me...a Croco-Pedophile?? My mother nearly drove off the road laughing at the time.
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Jun 6, 2015 06:42
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The girls in one sixth grade class were particularly pouty yesterday when they walked in. ME: "What's wrong, guys? Are you sad?" JASMIN: "No! We are ANGRY!!!!!" SIHYUN: "YEAH SO ANGRY!" ME: "What happened?" JASMIN: "PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" *slams fists on the desk* Turns out the girls were embarrassed during their urine testing checks because they thought the boys wouldn't be able to see them giving the nurse their urine. Their collective indignation was hilarious.
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Jun 6, 2015 06:58
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