shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Tunicate posted:

boss boss boss

I don't understand this story at all, better call my boss boss (wife-boss)

# ? Jun 17, 2015 20:21

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# ? May 20, 2024 21:07

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Tunicate posted:

boss boss boss

What ?!

# ? Jun 17, 2015 20:25

artsy fartsy: May 10, 2014; You'll be ahead instead of behind. Hello!

Is this like that buffalo buffalo buffalo thing?

# ? Jun 17, 2015 23:13

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

They should promote bullying in schools

# ? Jun 17, 2015 23:23

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

EmmyOk posted:

I'VE
BECOME SO NUMB

# ? Jun 18, 2015 00:22

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

Dad: "Your interests disturb me; you disturb me."

# ? Jun 18, 2015 00:26

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

dad: I'm burning this shirt me:

This should be an emote

# ? Jun 18, 2015 00:56

kirbysuperstar: Nov 11, 2012; Let the fools who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 02:17

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

kirbysuperstar posted:

When will the gayness relent? Never, for it is relentless you see.

But seriously, what offends this (fictional) letter writer? Are there too many flowers in the garden? Pansies perhaps?

# ? Jun 18, 2015 02:34

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

BrigadierSensible posted:

But seriously, what offends this (fictional) letter writer? Are there too many flowers in the garden? Pansies perhaps?

Half-naked gardener standing there, hose in hand, drenching his toned body with water. 24/7.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 02:41

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Everblight posted:

That STDH is at least 20 years old - I remember hearing it in the mid 90s.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 03:30

Your Computer: Oct 3, 2008; Grimey Drawer

BrigadierSensible posted:

When will the gayness relent? Never, for it is relentless you see.

But seriously, what offends this (fictional) letter writer? Are there too many flowers in the garden? Pansies perhaps?

A bunch of jars with different dyes forming a rainbow, but I can't find the post. If I remember correctly it was a school project or something else Relentlessly Gay!

e: found it

vvv sorry to disappoint you :smith:

vvv

Your Computer has a new favorite as of 03:43 on Jun 18, 2015

# ? Jun 18, 2015 03:30

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

kirbysuperstar posted:

Now I REALLY wanna know what a Relentlessly Gay yard looks like.

... I bet it looks fabulous.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 03:39

Whimskey: Jul 4, 2007

Ugh, I was just going to post the relentlessly gay thing. The "receiver" of the note has a gofundme that has already raised MORE THAN $10,000 (of a $5,000 goal!) to paint her house rainbow colors. I can't believe how many people fall for this stuff. :bang:

# ? Jun 18, 2015 04:15

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Whimskey posted:

Ugh, I was just going to post the relentlessly gay thing. The "receiver" of the note has a gofundme that has already raised MORE THAN $10,000 (of a $5,000 goal!) to paint her house rainbow colors. I can't believe how many people fall for this stuff.

If I were her neighbor, that would make me angry as I watched her lovely Crayola cosplay house go up and property values go down. But I live in California, so I need never worry about being able to own a house in the first place.

Content:

# ? Jun 18, 2015 04:35

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

ibntumart posted:

If I were her neighbor, that would make me angry as I watched her lovely Crayola cosplay house go up and property values go down. But I live in California, so I need never worry about being able to own a house in the first place.

Isn't gofundme pretty much caveat emptor? Crayola House will never happen.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 04:38

A Fancy 400 lbs: Jul 24, 2008

flosofl posted:

Isn't gofundme pretty much caveat emptor? Crayola House will never happen.

They had to be pressured for MONTHS to pull a campaign for a group that sold bleach enemas as a cure for autism. So yeah, more or less.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 04:47

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

A Fancy 400 lbs posted:

They had to be pressured for MONTHS to pull a campaign for a group that sold bleach enemas as a cure for autism. So yeah, more or less.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 04:51

A Fancy 400 lbs: Jul 24, 2008

flosofl posted:

The campaign's page isn't on GFM anymore, but here's a petition to bring it down that summarizes it pretty well.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 04:57

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3a33if/tifu_by_being_too_american/ posted:

TL;DR got stabbed for defending the lady behind the counter at my local liquor store

This story actually starts 3 days ago. I just got home from the hospital so I couldn't share this until now. First I would like to say this. BALTIMORE. Everyone knows us because of the riots, let me tell you right now, that's just how this city rolls on any given day, you just don't hear about all of it. SOOOOO on saturday I went to my local liquor store to pick up a 6 pack for a BBQ later that day. As I made my way into line the man in front of me was visibly irate and arguing with the nice Pakistani lady behind the counter. Why was he mad you ask? She would not accept an IOU in exchange for a few lottery tickets. So he's standing there, cursing and screaming while she is trying to explain herself, (shes a VERY soft spoken woman), and all of a sudden he leans in and screams "SPEEEEEEEEEAAKK EEEEEEEEENGLISH!!!!!!!" The 2 seconds of absolute silence was enough time for my mouth to over-ride my brain. Before I even had a chance to stop myself and think, I tapped the man on his arm, looked at him with dead eyes and said: "Speak English? Like what they speak in ENGLAND you mean? Sir, I'm not sure where you think we are, but this is America and in America? WE SPEAK 'MURICAN now if you would kindly shut the fck up and move along, I would like to exorcise my right as an AMERICAN and pay this nice lady for my AMERICAN beer with AMERICAN dollars. Speak english. pssshaww Go back to England yankee." It was like my mouth was possessed with demons. I couldn't stop, but when I did, I realized he was coming at me with a knife. Which not only ended up under my collarbone, but got stuck. IT. GOT. STUCK. Now I'm only about 5ft tall, small even for a girl, this guy was the trashiest of all the white trash in white trash wonderland and stood about 6ft. Maybe taller. I'm guessing he was going for an artery on my neck. THANKFULLY HE MISSED, but he did try to pull the blade back out. IT WOULDN'T MOVE and I don't know if anyone here has even been stabbed...... BUT IT FCKING hurts, trying to pull the blade out? HURTS EVEN WORSE, especially when it WON'T MOVE. By this point the lady has called 911, and of course it took them like an hour to show up. By the time the cops came, dude was gone and I was deciding whether or not I would bleed out if I pulled the knife out. Turns out it's a good thing I didn't, but not because he hit anything important. They took me to the hospital and took the knife after it was removed and made me answer lots of questions. By the time they had me answering questions, the nurses had filled me up with dilaudid..... they even gave me a clicker to dose myself if it started hurting more LOL. TERRIBLE IDEA. At one point one of the officers asked me quite loudly "ARE YOU HALLUCINATING?!" All I could think to say was "I DON'T KNOW ARE YOU ACTUALLY A PIG IN UNIFORM? JUST KIDDING, clearly you are an officer of the law" :/ I'm pretty sure he considered re-stabbing me. I already have diarrhea of the mouth, IV narcotics? Forget about it, all bets are off. Heres where it gets fun. After my 2 days in la-la medical land, my room-mate picks me up, drives us home and LO AND BEHOLD, who is this man, mowing the neighbors grass? NONE OTHER THAN THE F*CKER THAT JUST STABBED ME and he hasn't seen me yet. Do I run inside and hide? NOPE. Do I panic, cry and call the cops? NOPE. Do I forgive and forget? NOPE. I'm high on hospital painkillers. CLEARLY NOTHING CAN STOP ME. Can't move my left arm, hell, I can barely move my entire left side due to the pain..... BUT PAINKILLERS, it's only aching right? SO what does this genius do? SHE RUNS INSIDE GRABS HER KNIFE, (which put his to shame I would just like to point out), walks right back outside, walks right up to him and hands him the knife and says "The cops took yours, would you like mine?" He literally dropped everything and ran. I MEAN RAN. My room-mate had already called the cops.... oddly enough, this time around, they did not waste anytime and caught dude about a quarter mile away, still running apparently. Now? I have to deal with court days and lawyers, meds, pain, exorbitant hospital bills, potential angry relatives of this man, physical rehab (he severed some tendons and muscles and left 2 notches in my collarbone), and angry elderly neighbors, because I just had their lawn-mower man arrested. All because I lack the ability to think before I speak and apparently have no concept of fear. How I have survived these last 30 years is a mystery to me. Note to self: if you can't keep your mouth shut? WEAR BODY ARMOR. I hope this isn't too disturbing for anyone, I'm still on the meds they gave me and relegated to bed and have no one to vent to. I was really excited to see my friends at that BBQ, it's been a while! Now my summer is ruined. No swimming, no camping, no hunting, no nothing. Baltimore, where dreams go to die whether you are black or white. WHY CAN'T I JUST SHUT UP?

Actually, I believe this one. She can't shut up and I sure as hell want to stab her.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 07:36

youknowthatoneguy: Mar 27, 2004; Mmm, boooofies!

Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

Now I REALLY wanna know what a Relentlessly Gay yard looks like.

... I bet it looks fabulous.

Apparently they caught the guy mowing his lawn:

# ? Jun 18, 2015 08:07

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Tunicate posted:

Actually, I believe this one. She can't shut up and I sure as hell want to stab her.

Who would believe this happened?! WHO?

Same goes for gay garden story.

:sigh:

# ? Jun 18, 2015 08:48

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

ibntumart posted:

If I were her neighbor, that would make me angry as I watched her lovely Crayola cosplay house go up and property values go down. But I live in California, so I need never worry about being able to own a house in the first place.

Content:

Eh, this one's somewhat believable. Last time I visited my parents, I went to the local secondhand bookshop and found a couple of old Cisco study guides with my name in them. It was less than ten years after I got rid of them and in the same general neighbourhood, though.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 10:07

Testekill: Nov 1, 2012; I demand to be taken seriously

Weatherman posted:

Eh, this one's somewhat believable. Last time I visited my parents, I went to the local secondhand bookshop and found a couple of old Cisco study guides with my name in them. It was less than ten years after I got rid of them and in the same general neighbourhood, though.

Yeah, I can buy finding some of your old stuff in a second-hand shop since stuff can just get resold or sit in the stockroom for ages.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 10:15

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

ibntumart posted:

This happened to me too though. Only it was an old Ghostbusters book "Drool The Dog Faced Goblin" that popped up at a car boot sale with my scrawled name in the cover.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 13:26

The Shame Boy: Jan 27, 2014; Dead weight, just like this post.

The used games/movies place close by here must have bought all the excess amount of DVDs and old games from the one that used to be here since a few of them still have their sticker on the back. Plus every once and a while i'll see a game used to belong to a Blockbuster and i'll get a nice fuzzy feeling :v:

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:02

Grabpot Thundergust: Jul 6, 2010

In fact, this gallery is all STDH: http://imgur.com/gallery/qwEOH

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:09

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Grabpot Thundergust posted:

In fact, this gallery is all STDH: http://imgur.com/gallery/qwEOH

I like that the manager warns him "I wouldn't do that if I were you" but nothing of consequence happens the guy.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:17

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

EmmyOk posted:

I think I hate Doctor Who fans more than furries

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:21

Testekill: Nov 1, 2012; I demand to be taken seriously

ElGroucho posted:

I think I hate Doctor Who fans more than furries

Personally I'm tied between Doctor Who fans and Bronies.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:30

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Testekill posted:

Personally I'm tied between Doctor Who fans and Bronies.

Thing is, I've never seen a brony or a furry in the real world, but I have been cornered by a doughy girl with halitosis at a party, telling me why Doctor Who is better than Breaking Bad

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:47

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

ElGroucho posted:

I think I hate Doctor Who fans more than furries

At least furries are erotically unhinged, These people don't even get off to Dr. Who.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:55

Rat Patrol: Feb 15, 2008; kill kill kill kill
kill me now

EmmyOk posted:

At least furries are erotically unhinged, These people don't even get off to Dr. Who.

That's....unlikely.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 14:57

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

ElGroucho posted:

I think I hate Doctor Who fans more than furries

# ? Jun 18, 2015 15:07

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Idiotic Dr. Who nerds, eh?

# ? Jun 18, 2015 15:09

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

walrusman posted:

Idiotic Dr. Who nerds, eh?

Like I said, people should be bullied more.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 15:13

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Dr. Who fans are the worst. I didn't watch Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for the longets time because a Who fan said, "It's basically a crapper version of Dr. Who!"

I have NO idea what they meant by that.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 15:15

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

ChogsEnhour posted:

I didn't watch Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for the longets time because a Who fan said, "It's basically a crapper version of Dr. Who!"

Oh god, that is amazing. They must have fallen for the whole "lost show" setup. :allears:

# ? Jun 18, 2015 15:48

kdrudy: Sep 19, 2009

It's the worst thing when something you like has awful, lame fans.

# ? Jun 18, 2015 16:54

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# ? May 20, 2024 21:07

In The Bushes: Mar 4, 2012

EmmyOk posted:

I like that the manager warns him "I wouldn't do that if I were you" but nothing of consequence happens the guy.

We can fix that.

(The manager was a green beret ninja and a state aikido champion, not that you could guess by looking at them)
Manager: I said I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Customer: I AM A CHRISTIAN
(The manager proceeded to reinvent the curvature of the customers spine.)
Manager: Now get out! Oh and (my name) would you like to get coffee tonight?
(Now we're engaged and we always joke about having a toilet themed wedding!)

# ? Jun 18, 2015 17:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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