Ace of Baes posted:

doug contemplates the banality of human morality and the absence of god, he slits his wrists and leaps from a skyscraper, skeeter gets locked out of his apple store account

Lil Cunty posted:

coworker: are you drunk?

me: what?

coworker: what is that

me: coffee

coworker: Irish coffee?

me: you're a racist and I'm calling hr

coworker: jokes on you we don't have hr

me: jokes on you, actually, I work alone and you don't even exist

treasure bear posted:

i held an ipad close to my face to replicate the effect of the big ipad and lets just say: incredible, apple's done it again

Lil Cunty posted:

GEExCEE posted:

DOG IN BUSINESS SUIT: *no nonsense tone* Alright people things were slow and low yesterday so today we're gonna run our Carnivore trading algorithm at +2.5% leverage. We've got to make the books for Q3 look - wait, hold on, I've got the liaison from the human markets on the phone now. Let me put this on speaker.

HUMAN TALKING THROUGH DOG'S PHONE: *trombone sounds from peanuts*

Lil Cunty posted:

Lil Cunty posted:

Lil Cunty posted:

Lil Cunty posted:

paul_soccer12 posted:

everyone in the idf must die

(USER WAS PERMABANNED FOR THIS POST)

gently caress. marry. t-rex posted:

Octodog horror from out of space

Qwerinty posted:

gently caress. marry. t-rex posted:

One of my math teachers had a really long beard and hair and was bi-polar and on good days he'd wear all whit elinen suits [it's the south] and on bad days all black

Eventually he also dyed a racing stripe down the center of his hair and beard

gently caress. marry. t-rex posted:

A cool teacher I had was a 70 year old man who was really good but also crotchety as hell and sometimes would make a big show about turning off his hearing aids cuz he was sick of listening to stupid questions

weird posted:

my friends all warned me that i'd get bored with the pattern on my stained glass window before long, so when i had it installed i got them to leave out a piece so i can rearrange it like a slider puzzle when the mood strikes me

TWIST FIST posted:

there was a fight at my house and someone threw me out the window. its ok though i painted all the pieces different colors and taped them back and now i have a stained glass picture of myself

Lil Cunty posted:

stained glass is more expensive than clear glass because clear glass doesn't filter anything out. stained glass windows are brita filters for light

dogcrash truther posted:

wish i had a gf so i could watch her pour blue fluid on a tampon 1x/month

Qwerinty posted:

there's a local garbage cover band, called trash, and they play all the instruments using things they found out of the dump. the guitarist has a milk carton with tennis wire, the drummer some rat skulls and straws for drumsticks, and the lead singer sings through a crumpled up dixie cup with a hole in it

fema crisis actor posted:

Miss Psychosis posted:

Batman: These are Pyrex.

Superman: I can melt those.

Batman: These are China.

Superman: Enemies of mine.

Batman: You're so hard to shop for babe.

bacalou posted:

i'm not even gay and i am attracted to the idea of the exotic and luxurious tapas with batman, superman, and ingvar kamprad, founder of ikea

Qwerinty posted:

Batman drags Superman to the IKEA to pick out new table and glassware. Batman carefully inspects a water pitcher simulating a Klein bottle. Superman taps his foot fast and strong enough to be heard from the second story. He flew them all the way to IKEA headquarters to consult with ingvar. for this. bottles. "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, Bruce. it doesn't take me ten minutes to look at a plate that is totally flat and square."

Batman smirks, he's the brains in this duo. "I'm well aware of your speed, babe."

fuming, Superman uses his Super Mutter power. "I could reduce you to ash, you know. In an instant. But I love you so much..."

FutonForensic posted:

[Leia pleads to Han as he's lowered into the carbonite chamber.] "I'm thirsty!"


"I know." [Han tosses her a Mt. Dew]

Thingyman posted:

"I want to sway the guards to my side by telling a joke."
"That's a good idea. Make your comedy roll."
"...natural 1."
"As you approach, a guard complains to his partner 'Man, I'm tired,' and you loudly shout in his face 'HELLO TIRED, IM DAD'"

google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

Ayatollah Hermione posted:

*takes drag on cigarette*

I tell ya man it's a hell of a thing, being hooked on phonics

*leans back, looks out window*

didn't work for me.



<sub>didn't

work

for


me...</sub>

Rodatose posted:

guard dog diversion orb. WILL get the attention of guard dogs; just throw and watch them go. fluorescent yellow, stamped with "wilson" in commemoration of mi6 agent alexander wilson. $60

Drink-Mix Man posted:

Amazon tribal J Jonah Jameson: "I want drawings in the sand of Spider-Man!"

GEExCEE posted:

npow that i'm married, I've decided to save myself for divorce

Qwerinty posted:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3654226#post432876540

dogcrash truther posted:

bacalou posted:

if the ceo is even half worth being in charge they've made sure the money will be stolen even if they die

Captain No-mates posted:

David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the head of Her Majesty's Government hosed a dead pig in the mouth.

i flunked out posted:

space is alot like the wild west, only wilder and in every direction