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OctoberBlues posted:There was once a cute girl I worked with in college and I kind of thought she had a thing for me, but nothing ever happened - she also lived next door to me. So one weekend everyone is drinking and it's like 2 AM and I go back to my room but I didn't have my key. So I'm pounding on the door and yelling at my roommate, and she comes out from next door and asks if I need to sleep in her apartment for the night. I politely declined, but she was trying to insist, but in the end, I said no and made up some reason. The real reason that I wanted in my room so badly was so I could smoke some of the goddamn weed I had in there. "Sure but I really need to get my wallet outta there first because my roommate sometimes has light fingers you know?" like wtf hahaha. dude with the 3rd base condom story was even worse though. 
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Dec 9, 2015 03:08
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PureEvil6_13 posted:That was what I THOUGHT I was doing. Where I was actually standing was at the foot of my rather large, octagon shaped table next to my bed that I was using as a nightstand. I had a small stereo boom box on there, a lamp, my alarm clock, keys, snuts, garbage whatever and I just powerbombed this girl through the loving center of it. I knew you sounded familiar 
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Dec 9, 2015 03:24
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I went to a party with some old friends from high school once and one of my good friends and I managed to hit it off with two girls we met there. A bunch of us wind up back at his house with those two girls, all of us hanging out in this den like room watching TV. The one he was with started throwing condoms all over the place and the one that I was with was settling into a recliner with me while 4 other dudes were sitting on a couch next to me on the recliner. My friend takes the girl he is with up to his room and I get to making out with the girl I was with while the 4 guys were all silently sitting on the couch, watching TV. I get the girl out of her clothes to where she just has on her black satin bra and panties on and we are getting into it pretty good. She asks if we can move up into another room. . .I tell her I don't want to get up because one of those faggots on the couch is going to steal the recliner if we left. I camped a loving recliner all night and didn't get laid just so none of those clowns would steal it. It was a comfy recliner though.
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Dec 9, 2015 03:32
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wait like you were worried they were going to carry it out of the apartment and someone else, or just sit in it?
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Dec 9, 2015 03:36
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im getting extroadinarliy horny
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Dec 9, 2015 03:42
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Enfield posted:im getting extroadinarliy horny Where does baby come from anyways?
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Dec 9, 2015 03:47
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This seems like a thread for E/N, not GBS.
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Dec 9, 2015 03:49
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King of Bees posted:Where does baby come from anyways? when two consenting adults fall in love and touch their butts together
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Dec 9, 2015 03:51
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Enfield posted:when two consenting adults fall in love and touch their butts together  do they "pass gas"?
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Dec 9, 2015 03:57
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King of Bees posted:
i cant say anymore because im getting uncomfortable
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Dec 9, 2015 03:59
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Enfield posted:i cant say anymore because im getting uncomfortable E E E ENTER THE SAFE SPACE !!!!!! (battle arena music with lightning bolt guitars)
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Dec 9, 2015 04:00
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Enfield posted:i cant say anymore because im getting uncomfortable Probably a gas bubble. You should make a baby now.
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Dec 9, 2015 04:00
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nomadologique posted:wait like you were worried they were going to carry it out of the apartment and someone else, or just sit in it? Just sit in it. I am a very competitive sitter
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Dec 9, 2015 04:47
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somewhere else* drat it
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Dec 9, 2015 05:20
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King of Bees posted:
No, but this thread does. 
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Dec 9, 2015 07:01
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I met a girl on yikyak, we went on a hike and hit it off. I secure a movie date. After the movie she puts her hand on my leg and yawns and says I'm ready for bed. I say oh, long day? She says no. I say okay, I'll walk you to your car. I did, and left. Never saw her again.
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Dec 9, 2015 07:10
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I was at a friend's house in college with a bunch of other friends. We usually all got together to watch movies about once a week. My roommate's classmate joined us for this particular occasion, and I had met her before and we got along just fine, so we all choose places to sit and I take the couch. She takes the seat next to me, then as the lights go out, she shifts hard halfway onto my lap. I figured maybe she just did it by accident or whatever, so I just ignored it, but she didn't move for about 15 minutes, during which time I did gently caress-all about it. I regret that pretty hard. She was a professional dancer and pretty goddamn hot, especially next to skinny computer-nerd me. Everyone else would occasionally steal a glance toward us with a "Come the gently caress on, man" look on their faces. Ah well. I bombed another occasion once, but I don't feel bad about that one. I was like, 7 or 8 or some poo poo, staying at a friend's house overnight when his 13 year-old sister crawls on top of me and tries to persuade me to take off my pants so we could have sex. I didn't know what the gently caress so I just said no until she left. Found out much later that her father sexually abused her, so I'm glad I didn't contribute to what were probably some pretty serious issues there.
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Dec 9, 2015 07:11
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in high school my autistic rear end broke two girls' hearts. they were into me and i had no goddamn clue about it, it took friends telling me years after the fact for me to figure it out
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Dec 9, 2015 07:11
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One time a girl wanted to give me the sex and I said no. Can you believe I'm a man and I said no to the sex??? I'm supposed to say yes to all sex all the time. I'm so stupid and will obsess over such a fatal error forever because the sex is a rare thing to find now. 
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Dec 9, 2015 07:38
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Claven666 posted:Though I am in a committed relationship and have been for over 4 years, I still want to punch myself in the face every loving time I think of the following stories: I really thought this pointless as poo poo story was going to end in a waterfowl pun at the first **** line but it didn't and that was a waste of a post.
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Dec 9, 2015 07:58
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The Bible posted:I bombed another occasion once, but I don't feel bad about that one. I was like, 7 or 8 or some poo poo, staying at a friend's house overnight when his 13 year-old sister crawls on top of me and tries to persuade me to take off my pants so we could have sex. I didn't know what the gently caress so I just said no until she left. Found out much later that her father sexually abused her, so I'm glad I didn't contribute to what were probably some pretty serious issues there.  I hope she got the help she needed and her dad died of incurable and excruciatingly painful and slow dick rot.
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Dec 9, 2015 08:02
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she was a rearing to go on hammock on a downtown LA rooftop i was drunk on 151 and high off mad bong hitz she pushed me down and took off my pants i pushed her off, staggered to the railing & baarfed onto a parking lot far below she was rather dismayed. so to make her feel better i wiped my mouth, looked back and as soberly as i could i sort of shouted 'this isn't because of you' then barfed more, turned back, girl gone like a magic trick 
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Dec 9, 2015 08:14
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"Which Friends character are you most like?" I ask my date. I'm a witty guy who uses humour as a disarming mechanism (and, some might say, as a tool to masking my crippling insecurity), so I'd most likely be Chandler. But I'm smart like a scientist, so I could also be Ross. Finally, I'm klutzy and adorable--just like a Golden Retriever--so there are certainly hints of Joey inside of me. "I'm basically Chandler, Ross, and Joey." I loudly proclaim this fact, because confidence is an aphrodisiac. Every six months, Staples performs an employee review on me and gives me anywhere between a $0.30 and $0.50 raise. This last review, my "upsells" were so high that the manager bumped me up $0.65. The trick is to target older customers and mislead them on their purchases. Thus, it only took me seven weeks to afford a pair of Toto elevator shoes, which added five more inches to my height. The problem is that the shoes don't do much once you sit down, so I've also been growing my hair out and using Axe molding clay to stand it straight up, which adds several more inches. All-in-all, I'm pretty close to my goal of adding another foot to my height. Women love it. "These are really great breadsticks," I complement the breadsticks. I keep eating them because, hey, free food. "Nom nom nom...hah!" She doesn't get it. Actually, I can't help but notice that my date sits a little straighter (and therefore higher) than me. As I try to fit an entire breadstick into my mouth and chew it without also biting my tongue, I carefully eyeball the top of her head. She follows my eyes and touches her hair. "What?" she asks. I squint and chew harder. Louder. Faster. I lean in. She smells like...cinnamon? No, nutmeg. It's hard to tell. My nose is stuffed up so I have to keep my mouth open while I chew. I suddenly imagine the ball of bread rolling around in my mouth like a load of dirty laundry and it makes me want to throw up. "I'll be right back," I jump up from my seat and jog to the restroom. When I get there, inspiration strikes me like a bolt of divine lightning. "Eureka!" I start balling up paper towels and stuffing them into the back of my pants--I think I fit half of a roll down there. Then I waddle back to the table and quietly take a seat. She looks mildly shocked. Or perturbed? I don't know, women are hard to read. "Are you...are you alright?" she asks. "Who? Me? Yeah. Of course." My rear end crunches softly on stiff brown paper towels while I use her forehead as a ruler and try to estimate the height that they have added to my position. Maybe an inch--not bad, not bad. I lean forward. "Do you think there's a difference between, like...anime and manga?" Suddenly a sharp pain hits my stomach. The breadsticks. They're interacting with the pot of lukewarm coffee I drank earlier. I wince as I feel a burning sensation running through my intestines like a G-scale model train. An "uh oh..." escapes my lips before I can stop it at the proverbial gates. I don't think I'm going to make it to the bathroom. But the paper towels. "...spaghettiooooos..." I force a smile. I imagine a beleaguered General Adama facing down a whole Cylon army with nothing but a handful of fighters and flak guns. He meditates on the coming battle before finally saying, Alright, here goes nothing, Colonel Tigh. I close my eyes, hesitantly relax my rear end, and immediately feel a warm burbling rise up between my legs, just like I sat down in a pool of sun-baked mud or bread dough. The sensation persists for what feels like an eternity--the duration of which I am entirely silent. When it ends--mercifully--I let out a soft sigh. When I open my eyes, I realize something very strange: I have risen another inch or so and am now looking slightly downward at my date. It is the most shocking and beautiful thing I could ever conceive of. They say, "When god closes a door, he opens a window." I don't believe in god, but if I did, I'd swear he was with me that day.
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Dec 9, 2015 08:16
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Sounds like you hosed up the chance to do a stone cold stunner alright OP.
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Dec 9, 2015 08:19
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WanderingMinstrel I posted:I really thought this pointless as poo poo story was going to end in a waterfowl pun at the first **** line but it didn't and that was a waste of a post. last night in bed, your mom told me you were waste of sperm so i guess we've got something in common
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Dec 9, 2015 12:00
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one time i was having a four-some with cheerleaders and i was banging two of the cheerleaders but the third was a lesbian who only recently discovered here latent bi-sexuality by being near me and was terrified of my raging giant cock so I could only watch her make-out with the other two while I was all up inside of them and I was like "drat, shot down again."
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Dec 9, 2015 12:15
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Coffee's for closers only
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Dec 9, 2015 12:33
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Microwaves Mom posted:Sounds like you hosed up the chance to do a stone cold stunner alright OP. This was before the Attitude EraŠ
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Dec 9, 2015 12:58
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Alrighty! Next up in the Solice Kirsk Book of Sexual Failures is when I managed to gently caress up a no strings four way. I was about 19 or so and on tour with my band in Miami. We had just got done playing a show and were heading to this bar for the after party. I think it was called the Kitchen or something like that. Well, as we were breaking our stuff down and loading it into the van these 8 or 9 fans come up and tell me that my band is great and asked for me to sign their CD's they had jut bought. Now, this was my first tour and only my second band so I thought they were being assholes or calling me a "rockstar" ironically or something so I just kind of said they shouldn't want my autograph...my lead singer smacked me in the back of the head and started signing their stuff. I felt pretty lovely about it, but these three girls that were there just couldn't stop laughing and giggling when I finally signed their CD's. I sat there talking to the whole group, sort of explaining that I never had someone ask for an autograph so it was weird, and these three girls asked where the after party was going to be. I wasn't supposed to say anything to anyone because this was for all three bands and not just for us, but I figured telling three girls where to find a party wouldn't be an issue. They then offered me a ride to the Kitchen, and me being an awesome loving rockstar now, decided that I would go with them and then walk in with them on my arms. They argued over which one of them was going to drive and I hopped in the backseat with the other two. The three of us were messing around for the whole trip to the bar which was like 20 or so minutes away. When we got there I walked up to the entrance they told me to use, girls in tow, and the bouncer positioned there asked for my ID. Now, I was under aged but was told this wouldn't be an issue if I said I was with my band....apparently when I told these girls the rest of the group heard and had been trying to get in saying they were "with the band." So this bouncer was already pissed from hearing this stupid poo poo all night and here comes this 19 year old fucker with stupid loving hair telling him the same damned thing. Needless to say he turned us away. I had to call, like a child, our promoter and have her come out and let the bouncer know that I really was with the band. He said I could get in, but the girls were not welcome. I walked over and let the girls know that I wasn't able to get them in and that I was really sorry. The two girls from the backseat said, "Oh that's fine, we have booze and stuff at our apartment so we can just head back there and have our own party." In my infinite wisdom I said, "Well that's good at least. I was worried I ruined your night." I then immediately turned around and walked into the bar..........it wasn't until the promoter came back in and told me she had never seen someone turn down three girls before that I realized they were inviting me back to their place. I went back outside, but they were already gone. I was the laughing stock of the bar that night. Though I did wind up sleeping with this bartender so it wasn't a total loss of a night, but still. What could have been.
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Dec 9, 2015 15:29
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Enrique Iglesias right before he met Anna Kournikova
speshl guy fucked around with this message at 21:10 on Dec 11, 2015 |
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Dec 9, 2015 18:16
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one time i farted so bad i woke up in the morgue
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Dec 9, 2015 18:29
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I came
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Dec 9, 2015 18:30
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Fake.
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Dec 9, 2015 18:32
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I remember reading a story on these forums yeeeeears ago, before I even registered here, about a guy who brought a girl back to his place and wound up slamming her head into a nail in the wall that he used to hang guitars from. Anyone know what I'm talking abot?
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Dec 9, 2015 18:37
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A lady offered me anal sex and I said Nay, for my principles forbid me That's my story
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Dec 9, 2015 18:50
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PureEvil6_13 posted:This was before the Attitude EraŠ A drat shame. Don Tacorleone posted:A lady offered me anal sex and I said Nay, for my principles forbid me What lady? I'll gladly take it in exchange.
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Dec 9, 2015 19:00
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OK! Number three here we go! I had to be in my early 20's (22 or 23) and had just moved into a punk house in Chicago. It was basically me living with this punk band and we always had about 6 or 7 people living there in a month to month type of thing so rent was super cheap and there was basically a 24 hour party going on for the entire year and a half we were there. One night my girlfriend had just come over when she had gotten out of work and she was none too happy that I had already been drinking and was too drunk to go to her parent's place for dinner. We got into a pretty big argument that ended with her breaking up with me in front of a bunch of my friends (who were chanting "Break up! Break up! Break up!") and storming out of the house. Now I actually did care about her so I was a little pissed off that everyone was just so crass about the whole thing so I grabbed 7 or 8 beers and went upstairs to my room which was actually in the attic. I sat in there drinking for a while and this cute little punk girl that always hit on me came walking up the steps. She asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to talk about things. I kept drinking and kind of bitched to her about my now ex-girlfriend and how it sucks because I may have been able to salvage the argument if everyone hadn't been yelling at us to break up. She leaned in super close and grabbed my face with both her hands. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "Well, all I know is that you don't deserve to be alone tonight. And I'm here right now for you." In my drunken haze I figured she was saying that she wanted me to go back downstairs and hang out with everyone to take my mind off everything. I touched one of her hands and said, "You're absolutely right." I got up and walked down the stairs. She did follow me down sometime later and just had this totally confused look on her face. Her and her friend left a coupe of minutes later and I wound up passing out at our kitchen table playing some weird dice game that I can't quite remember the rules to. She never came over again after that and me and my ex wound up back together a couple weeks later anyways. I really wish I didn't have so many of these, but I guess it just comes with the territory of being too into chemicals, young, good looking, and in a band.
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Dec 9, 2015 19:52
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Claven666 posted:last night in bed, your mom told me you were waste of sperm so i guess we've got something in common I bet you failed to seal the deal there too
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Dec 9, 2015 20:01
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i have to admit I laughed at the op. mostly because of the word powerbombed
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Dec 9, 2015 20:03
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WanderingMinstrel I posted:I bet you failed to seal the deal there too who told you that
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Dec 9, 2015 20:18
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