|
Little kid running past the Deadpool stand: "Mommy, it's Pider Man! Pider Man! Pew pew pew!"
|
#
?
Feb 12, 2016 23:53
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 17, 2024 18:57 |
|
|
MisterBibs posted:Little kid running past the Deadpool stand:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7-TQdN40Dk irl My nephews are coming by tomorrow, gonna try and remember the funny poo poo they say. One time the oldest one (wanna say 3 at the time) was "shooting" me with "arrows" (ie just pointing at my leg and going "i shot you with an arrow") and i played along and we joked around and I asked what he was gonna do with all those arrows sticking into me? "I'm gonna make a dinner out of you!" Ok, but some of the arrows were in my eyes though! "I'm going to eat your eyes" then he made like claws and grabbed at my eyes and made chewing sounds. I can no longer see. Carthag Tuek has a new favorite as of 23:59 on Feb 12, 2016 |
|
#
?
Feb 12, 2016 23:57
|
|
|
Okay, so last weekend, the nephew and I went pottery painting; you buy a piece, paint it and get it back. He did a racecar. My sister asked for a spoon rest, so the stove doesn't get dirty. Today, I gave him both things. He loved his car, then we put the owl shaped spoon rest on the stove. He looked over at me. "Grandmama has a green one." This is true, I made a green spoon rest for my mom years ago. "But I like this one better because we made it together and it's for mommy."
|
|
#
?
Feb 13, 2016 04:00
|
|
|
One of my twins is the king of monkeycheesing their way into humorous/incredibly creepy statements. I write articles sometimes where it's just things they say. Manly Mexican landscaper: Hello! My three year old son: How are you? Manly Mexican landscaper: Good. How are you? My other three year old son: I need to kiss you. I wake up, my three year old son's face is right above mine. Three year old son (whispers): Daddy, there's no need to be afraid. “C’mon Doc Hudson, you can do it,” said one of my kids, while watching a football game My son, staring at a blank wall: I don't want to hurt daddy My son: Scare me! Me (calmly): Boo! My son (screaming): No! I don't want you to scare me Me: What do you want to play? Son: I want to play big blue whale Me: Okay, how do we play big blue whale? Son (screaming, borderline tantrum): No! I don't want to play big blue whale! Me: Hey, it's okay. What do you want to do? Son: Lunch! Me: Okay. What do you want for lunch? Son: Big blue whale!
|
|
#
?
Feb 13, 2016 06:17
|
|
|
My son ran into the bathroom when I was pissing, took post near the side of the toilet. He smiled at me then back at the toilet. He then reached out with hands to touch the stream (probably thinking it was water, he loves showers) and I jerked back and told him "no, it's pee pee." Without breaking a beat he looked at me and said "I like peepee." no buddy. No you don't.
|
|
#
?
Feb 13, 2016 06:20
|
|
|
When my son was about six, they had a father's day thing before school actually let out. They had to make these little cards where they wrote something nice about their respective dads but, because we're dealing with kids, they had little prompts. My dad is really [insert adjective here] because: etc. Mine said "My dad is really smart because: he knows about how they make kids kill each other in africa." Why, of all things, he would latch on to a one-time conversation about child soldiers, I don't know. He likes minecraft so he has to be relatively normal, right? I'm still waiting for someone from the school to contact us. edit: This was not a conversation I had WITH him. I'm hosed but I'm not THAT hosed. burial has a new favorite as of 10:06 on Feb 13, 2016 |
|
#
?
Feb 13, 2016 09:59
|
|
|
Soulex posted:My son ran into the bathroom when I was pissing, took post near the side of the toilet. He smiled at me then back at the toilet. He then reached out with hands to touch the stream (probably thinking it was water, he loves showers) and I jerked back and told him "no, it's pee pee." Without breaking a beat he looked at me and said "I like peepee." I hope you use this incident to embarrass him thoroughly later on as a teenager. 
|
|
#
?
Feb 13, 2016 20:59
|
|
|
Saw this in my Facebook feed this morning:quote:Today I was having lunch with my daughter. She and I were talking about songs she likes. She says "I really like that Mr. Sandman song, but I don't know why they would want a bad guy to bring them dreams." I was very confused and started to explain the concept of the Sandman to her when I realized what she meant:
|
|
#
?
Feb 16, 2016 14:31
|
|
|
I've been growing out my hair for about four years and today, while playing with lego together, my three year old nephew pointed out that I have a "woman's hair style" and then laughed about it.
|
|
#
?
Feb 18, 2016 01:44
|
|
|
While eating oranges: Kid A: Is this a mandarin? Kid B: No it's a chlamydia because it doesn't have rocks in it.
|
|
#
?
Feb 18, 2016 02:56
|
|
|
Do....do you frequently feed your children chlamydia?
|
|
#
?
Feb 18, 2016 04:39
|
|
|
Astrofig posted:Do....do you frequently feed your children chlamydia? Maybe that child has a bad case of clementine.
|
|
#
?
Feb 18, 2016 04:42
|
|
|
Recently remembered one that happened many years ago while I was waiting to give my sister a ride home from her job as a hairdresser. (Caretaker for my sisters last client): We're here for client's name's appointment. (My 4 or 5 year old nephew, hearing his effeminate voice): Are you a boy or a girl? I'm a boy. Well you sound like a girl, which you Are!Luckily the guy was cool about it but I felt so bad for him.
|
|
#
?
Feb 18, 2016 13:00
|
|
|
I was walking to my car at the train station today and I passed a little kid with his mother. Kid couldn't have been older than 2, maybe 3. Looking around, he exclaimed loudly, "WHAT THE HECK!?" I completely lost my poo poo laughing and his mother admonished him to "don't say that!" She sounded like she was trying not to laugh too.
|
|
#
?
Feb 18, 2016 19:17
|
|
|
I was recently back home visiting family and spent some time playing Minecraft with my nieces (8 and 12). They're so smart and super into it, but man the back and forth gets weird. 12 yo: Oh let me show you my murder house!! later 8 yo: Will you stop it from raining? I wanna set this tree on fire. --- The older one was and still is incredibly dramatic. When she was about 4, I was eating dinner with the family and she was in a booster seat making a mess out of rice and dropping it all over the floor. My brother is a real joker, so he gets real serious and says "You know, you're going to have to pick up every piece of that!" We all kind of chuckle and continue eating. After dinner, he gets up and goes into the other room to grab a broom. I'm talking to my sister in law and no one is really paying attention to the kid. Suddenly we hear this soft weeping. I look down and there is kiddo on her hands and knees, slowly and dramatically picking up every grain of rice while sobbing to herself. My brother is like "what are you doing??" "YOU SAID I HAD TO PICK THEM UUUUUUUUUP *wails*" So literal, so dramatic. --- Oh also, older niece is actually my sister in law's daughter from her late husband who died when niece was about 2. When my mom and I were baby sitting her before my bro married her mom, she very matter of factly told my mom "My real daddy's dead! But mommy said that [bro] can be my pretend daddy!!" He officially adopted her almost two years ago, so now he's her real daddy :3
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2016 11:09
|
|
|
Soulex posted:My son ran into the bathroom when I was pissing, took post near the side of the toilet. He smiled at me then back at the toilet. He then reached out with hands to touch the stream (probably thinking it was water, he loves showers) and I jerked back and told him "no, it's pee pee." Without breaking a beat he looked at me and said "I like peepee." Some therapist in the future will be hearing about this as the genesis of his uncontrollable golden shower fetish. Good job, dad!
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2016 14:51
|
|
|
My daughter came home from preschool the other day, and when we asked her what they had for snack, she said they had moisture crackers. It took us three days to figure out she had meant oyster crackers.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2016 15:15
|
|
|
NosmoKing posted:Some therapist in the future will be hearing about this as the genesis of his uncontrollable golden shower fetish. It's either that or drugs.
|
|
#
?
Feb 21, 2016 03:12
|
|
|
"Mom, can I have some prunes? I'm feeling complicated."
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2016 18:05
|
|
|
Soulex posted:My son ran into the bathroom when I was pissing, took post near the side of the toilet. He smiled at me then back at the toilet. He then reached out with hands to touch the stream (probably thinking it was water, he loves showers) and I jerked back and told him "no, it's pee pee." Without breaking a beat he looked at me and said "I like peepee." A couple of months ago, I saw a little boy peeing on a tree. His younger brother was sticking his shoe-clad foot in the stream. Mom was watching impassively. I live in China, so it's not uncommon to see kids pissing and making GBS threads literally anywhere. For example, the floor of the supermarket, or the subway platform. loving split pants.
|
|
#
?
Feb 25, 2016 02:22
|
|
|
bringmyfishback posted:A couple of months ago, I saw a little boy peeing on a tree. His younger brother was sticking his shoe-clad foot in the stream. Mom was watching impassively. A number of years ago I was driving through my nana's neighborhood, andmany of the houses had a large plate glass window in the living room area. I was perchancing to look at one that had a Manneken Pis displayed in it, thinking wow, I've never actually seen one of those statues in real life before. Then it turned around and leapt out of the window frame.
|
|
#
?
Feb 25, 2016 12:29
|
|
|
sweeperbravo posted:A number of years ago I was driving through my nana's neighborhood, andmany of the houses had a large plate glass window in the living room area. I was perchancing to look at one that had a Manneken Pis displayed in it, thinking wow, I've never actually seen one of those statues in real life before.  (Wait... Oh. Ohhhhh...)
|
|
#
?
Feb 25, 2016 19:47
|
|
|
Today I was in a music classroom with some second-graders, and they were learning what an orchestra is. Does anyone know what an orchestra is? I know I know! It's a WHALE!And then we had to spend a couple minutes explaining that 'orca' and 'orchestra' have nothing to do with each other, even though they sound alike.
|
|
#
?
Mar 1, 2016 04:33
|
|
|
Kid: Are you sad you can't have babies? Girlfriend:  Why do you say that? Kid: 'cause Mommy told me babies come from the Mommy's tummy, and *pokes girlfriend's stomach* a baby couldn't fit in there! Babies are big! This kid we babysit is a better flirt than I. 
MisterBibs has a new favorite as of 09:57 on Mar 1, 2016 |
|
#
?
Mar 1, 2016 09:55
|
|
|
There's a ride on Bob the Builder digger at our local Tesco, and my almost-3-year-old is absolutely enchanted with it. After doing the shop yesterday, he looked at me expectantly and said "mammy, I need to go work on the digger." "Do you now?" "Yes. I need to go dig up the bones from the road" 
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2016 11:28
|
|
|
I don't have any kids, but a lady I work with talks about her a lot and they're just the best, the youngest of the two, a boy, is low-level autistic. She's adopted both of them, and they know they're adopted, but the boy has only just recently started asking why. He's 8-9 so they really don't want to get into the details of why, because they don't think he'd understand. Both the mom and the dad were in and out of jail, the dad moreso and the mother couldn't keep a job. Ultimately couldn't afford to keep the baby and had to give him up, overall it was better for the kid. Anyway, they wind up telling him it's because the birth mother didn't have any money and wasn't able to. (Not sure why they told him this but I'm going to assume they know better than I do) A few months go by and he winds up losing a tooth and getting money from the tooth fairy. Which he immediately told his mom he wanted to give to the birth mom to help her out. It's just incredible what kids hold on to and how they use what they remember. When she told me that story I definitely got choked up.
|
|
#
?
Mar 4, 2016 20:10
|
|
|
A friend has a boy about a year or so old, and he and two adults were playing with animals and saying their names and stuff. So after they've gone through lion, elephant, etc, she says "what else can you find?" and he picks up one and says "Pee-poh!" So the adult friend says "no, there are no people here. Just animals." It was a hippo
|
|
#
?
Mar 4, 2016 22:44
|
|
|
My son about 10 minutes ago watching a nature documentary on the basics of plants: "Whoa wait wait wait, plants are SOLAR POWERED? I didn't know why they didn't need batteries but I do now"
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 10:37
|
|
|
Back when I was still a Lifeguard teaching kids swimming lessons one of the kids who were probably around 5 or 6 tried telling me a knock knock joke. It went like this. -Knock Knock. -Who's there? -Drink. -Drink who? -Drink with a bare bum. Needless to say I laughed.
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 11:04
|
|
|
Poodge posted:Back when I was still a Lifeguard teaching kids swimming lessons one of the kids who were probably around 5 or 6 tried telling me a knock knock joke. Of course you did. Anti-jokes that are told by little kids are hilarious.
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 14:23
|
|
|
flosofl posted:Of course you did. Anti-jokes that are told by little kids are hilarious. The best ones are when they transplant the punchline from a completely different joke, but with a modification, like instead of elephants it's bananas.
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 14:32
|
|
|
flosofl posted:Of course you did. Anti-jokes that are told by little kids are hilarious. I'm sure it's been posted here before, but in case you didn't know: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/ I've laughed so hard at this that I've choked, especially back in my days of readily available herbal supplements.
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 15:00
|
|
|
bringmyfishback posted:I'm sure it's been posted here before, but in case you didn't know: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/ "Where does a cow buy milk? THE SHOP!"
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 18:58
|
|
|
Choco1980 posted:"Where does a cow buy milk? what has 3 eyes 6 legs and 2 noses a Cyclops goat with a man wearing a animal suit breeding 
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 19:02
|
|
|
razorrozar posted:what has 3 eyes 6 legs and 2 noses It's not wrong 
|
|
#
?
Mar 5, 2016 19:03
|
|
|
quote:Asntronat These are amazing. E: quote:Get Out 
the future is WOW has a new favorite as of 04:46 on Mar 6, 2016 |
|
#
?
Mar 6, 2016 04:42
|
|
|
quote:
quote:WHAT DO U CALL A FREAK HORSE Bobby Digital has a new favorite as of 05:26 on Mar 6, 2016 |
|
#
?
Mar 6, 2016 05:23
|
|
|
Last night my boyfriend showed our friends' four-year-old which car was his by using his remote starter to flash its lights. Four year old: "Your keys are magic!!"
|
|
#
?
Mar 7, 2016 03:55
|
|
|
When my nephew was about five he was still figuring out how humour works. His best joke: "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a WOLF!" He was most upset when we were confused instead of amused. A story my sister told me for the first time yesterday: Also when he was around that age, he used to raid drawers and find condoms and turn them into water balloons to throw on people. One day he asked his mom why they're called condoms instead of balloons, so she took the teaching moment and said you put them on when you're going to be with a girl, and decided to show him how on a banana (never too young to learn, I guess is her motto). So she started putting it on the banana, except that the banana was overripe and burst when she was about halfway along. My nephew just started screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" and ran away.
|
|
#
?
Mar 7, 2016 13:15
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 17, 2024 18:57 |
|
|
Quincyh posted:When my nephew was about five he was still figuring out how humour works. His best joke: "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a WOLF!" He was most upset when we were confused instead of amused. That kid will never, ever want to wrap it. Poor bastard will grow up thinking that condoms make your dick explode.
|
|
#
?
Mar 7, 2016 13:53
|
|