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PS> There is nothing new under the sun. Civil War threatens, and the two main candidates are a man who has a fainting problem and a man known as "ol'fuss and feathers." The campaign (since both aren't running on any sort of platform) are these two guys calling each other names.
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Mar 6, 2016 17:43
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I'm gonna vote for ol' Fuss and Feathers. If we're gonna have a civil war, by god we're going to look good doing it. 
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Mar 6, 2016 18:00
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I like how Zachary Taylor campaigned on not giving a poo poo about slavery and proceded to give no shits about slavery. Millard Fillmore's just another in a string of losers who collapsed under southern pressure. John Parker Hale sounds great with his anti-slavery talk, but he's a bit of a nut, and was too close to Jackson for my liking. By this point, the US has basically missed its window for peacefully ending slavery, and it's only going to end in a war anyways. Slavery has become more than an economic expedience and source of cheap labor, it's a whole thing embedded in with southern nationalism and massive amounts of money invested into it. Franklin Pierce's bio of not being nothing but daddy's little boy until he quit drinking combined with his somewhat lackluster service record reminds me a lot of George W. Bush. Now Winfield Scott, he sounds like a good guy with good views, but on top of that, how can you say no to the prospect of a President and Vice President who disagree with everything and will be at eachother's throats? It'd be like a sitcom! It might also be the first president/VP fight to the death. And really, if you're going to speculate alt-history on somebody ending slavery, the whole wacky abolitionist with a pro-slavery running mate dynamic has the best chance of getting something done, since that dynamic would at least prevent an immediate secession upon election like with Lincoln.
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Mar 6, 2016 19:03
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I suggest all slavery-hating men and women of this great nation to vote for Winfield Scott in this election. We've seen that the Free Soil position has only agitated the South and lead us close to all-out insurrection. General Scott's plan of gradual winding down of slavery is the only option that is acceptable to myself, a man committed to fighting the evils of slavery, while simultaneously ensuring that the the Union is not torn asunder. Plus, if the South gets any funny ideas during his administration, why, General Scott could lead the army down there himself! They know what happened during the last time he was there.
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Mar 6, 2016 19:21
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If Webster hadn't died would he have been on two tickets?
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Mar 6, 2016 19:41
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SlothfulCobra posted:Franklin Pierce's bio of not being nothing but daddy's little boy until he quit drinking combined with his somewhat lackluster service record reminds me a lot of George W. Bush. I know what you mean, but it still seems unkind to Pierce. HE MEANT WELL He also never really quit drinking e: This could apply to both, but Pierce is the one who said it: ‘My Countrymen: It is a relief to feel that no heart but my own can know the personal regret and bitter sorrow over which I have been borne to a position so suitable for others rather than desirable for myself.’ Nebakenezzer has issued a correction as of 19:48 on Mar 6, 2016 |
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Mar 6, 2016 19:42
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i'm glad we won't be voting for pierce because, even if it wouldn't save his son's life, at least he and his wife won't convince themselves that god killed him so pierce wouldn't have any distractions as president 19th century coping was some crazy poo poo
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Mar 6, 2016 20:07
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For too long have corpses been a silent majority of our population. Vote Zombie.
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Mar 6, 2016 20:37
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Voting Winfield Scott, to see slavery uprooted and destroyed once and for all
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Mar 6, 2016 20:57
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 Voted for the dead man
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Mar 6, 2016 21:15
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Takanago posted:
Yeah, not voting for him would show a lack of respect. Furthermore, with his calm and unagitated manner, he seems to have the right temperament (and stillness of hand) to steer the ship of state through the tempests ahead.
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Mar 6, 2016 21:52
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While Winfield Scott seems to have a bit of Zack Taylor's "gently caress the south" strain in him, I think he'd work better as the general of the union forces ready to hang the traitors and secessionists of the south. Free Soil all the way! Amazing thread, QPQ. Finally caught up.
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Mar 6, 2016 22:13
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Dead AND from Massachusetts? What a platform, I gotta vote for this guy.
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Mar 6, 2016 22:40
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If we elect the dead guy, future presidential candidates will probably consider suicide a viable strategy to win the election! Zombie-Webster will be only the first of many to enter the White House in a black coffin.
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Mar 6, 2016 23:05
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WrightOfWay posted:If Webster hadn't died would he have been on two tickets? Yeah. Bryan in 1896 did a similar thing while being alive.
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Mar 6, 2016 23:43
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i think it happens all the time in new york state, they've got some bizarre system involving like a 'working families party' and a 'conservative party'
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Mar 6, 2016 23:45
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QuoProQuid posted:His positions are irrelevant, because he is dead. That's what you think!
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Mar 7, 2016 00:06
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The Goonlectoral College really turned it's back on the Liberty Party. We draw the line at teetotalism.
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Mar 7, 2016 00:15
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Yeah, especially back then it wasn't uncommon for minor parties to support major party tickets for elected office. For instance, in this 19th century election for Governor of New York, you can see that a bunch of minor parties including the Anti-Nebraska Party and the Anti-Rent Party listed Whig candidates on their ticket.
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Mar 7, 2016 00:21
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Pakled posted:the Anti-Nebraska Party What the hell was their party planks or reason for existing? Im guessing something to do with the Kansas-Nebraska act?
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Mar 7, 2016 00:52
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Scott sounds good to me.
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Mar 7, 2016 02:08
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Communist Zombie posted:What the hell was their party planks or reason for existing? Im guessing something to do with the Kansas-Nebraska act? Yep. Lincoln was one. It became the Republicans. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-Nebraska_movement
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Mar 7, 2016 04:04
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Communist Zombie posted:What the hell was their party planks or reason for existing? Im guessing something to do with the Kansas-Nebraska act? I'll be cold and dead in the ground before I recognize
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Mar 7, 2016 04:12
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somebody should bring back the anti-nebraska party just like, in general you'd get u colorado football fans on board
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Mar 7, 2016 05:34
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oystertoadfish posted:somebody should bring back the anti-nebraska party Nebraska football isn't relevant enough to attract a sizable hatred anymore. Now, if someone were to found the Anti-Alabama party or the Anti-Ohio [State] party, that could definitely gain some traction.
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Mar 7, 2016 05:49
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Takanago posted:I was really excited for a moment when I read the name "Native American Party" but then incredibly dismayed when I read the actual description. I had the same reaction to the phrase "Mexican-American war hero".
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Mar 7, 2016 07:39
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As a proud and loyal American Catholic, I am proud to vote for the Native American Party and candidate Jacob Broom.
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Mar 7, 2016 10:01
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Vavrek posted:I had the same reaction to the phrase "Mexican-American war hero". Agreed. My despair when I realized that the "Mexican-American War Hero" was not, a Mexican-American war hero, but rather a hero of the Mexican-American War.
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Mar 7, 2016 18:20
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Washington is in dire need of a Southern Hercules. Voting Troup.
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Mar 7, 2016 18:49
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My friends, I like to think of myself as a great, friendly dog, who greets everyone in election time with enthusiasm, and possibly brings a dead duck or two to the conversation, a bird-dog of virtue if you will. This election, alas, I find myself a sombre, even dejected dog lingering by the fire in the kitchen. For discord has riven the country, and even this very thread. A war with the slave-states now seems inevitable, and yet the main party candidates refuse to even discuss such things, least the unity of their parties (like the unity of our nation) be torn asunder into quarrelsome Italian city-states - who let the tyranny of small differences cause blood in the streets. This despite the fact such dissolution now seems preordained, even openly greeted by many in this very thread. Many southern curs now bark and howl ever louder for outright secession, and this election run a candidate for president who vows to do exactly that, a son of a bitch if ever there was one. This ill-favored pack cannot be placated or reasoned with. Those that keep dogs know the only thing such racist bloodhounds understand is dominance, and by use of force must be brought to heel. The mainstream candidates have tried to escape the issues of the day, and run a campaign on who can insult each other the best. Pierce is a man picked to be president after 50 party ballots failed to agree on a candidate, and who's greatest credential is having nothing whatsoever to say about slavery. Winfield Scott is a man who administered the trail of tears for Jackson, and in this election mainly because, like John Taylor, he is famous outside of political circles. Both men have as their VPs men who support the slave states, having made their fortunes off of the back of negro toil. I suspect both these men are fatally flawed to those that read these words. But what then? The baying fools of the so-called 'Southern Rights' party? I attended my local Freemason meeting as always, hoping to sell the Native Americans as an alternative, only to discover that they were enamored of a dead man for president, instead. In this august gathering, I hoped the same, but discovered the same sense of discord, with the main question being how to break the works for good and all. Despite the universally abolitionist sentiment gathered here, some see the 'Southern Rights' party the correct choice, the proper tinder to finally set the whole nation ablaze. And why not? Our hopes were dashed with Taylor. A military man in peak form, he dies while in office with no blockade against the slaver states started. Taylor's misfortune started with a stomach aliment, which was probably caused by putrescence tracked onto fruit via some dismal fly who had been a walking in Washington's open sewers previously. God could have prevented this, but so could have a small boy saying 'shoo'! Thus Taylor was undone. He might have recovered, had he been a modest farmer who the doctor could visit but once, but Taylor, alas, was president, and was attended by many physicians who bled, purged, and otherwise treated him till he died. Indeed, I have stopped attending my usual meetings and haunts, and sit quietly in a bar some nights, that serves Irish Papists. They are a wretched but merry lot. The keeper of the bar is a Colleen O'Shaughnessy, a Irish lass with a sunny face and curves as generous as her pints. She is a papist through and through, and I find her cheering. Indeed, maybe the dogs have the right of it. They do not worry about nations, trade, or the constitution. If we lived as dogs, the negro girls who make us feel like it would be on the whole worthwhile to live past the election would undoubtedly be our wives, and we would have many strong mongrel children who would be seen as blessing instead of millstones. Perhaps the dogs and the Irish have the right of it. Nebakenezzer has issued a correction as of 03:00 on Mar 8, 2016 |
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Mar 7, 2016 19:58
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I told you Taylor was great, but y'all voted Free Soil. I'm going to vote Free Soil out of spite, we'll see if your Scott gets in.  Nebakenezzer posted:I attended my local Freemason meeting as always... Et tu, Nebakenezzer?
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Mar 7, 2016 20:36
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foobardog posted:Et tu, Nebakenezzer? And I find myself attracted to comely papist pub owners. Truly, the center does grow mold, mere papistry is loosed upon the world. And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Pennsylvania to be born?
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Mar 7, 2016 20:42
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As an immortal vampire that has been a proud participant in American democracy since its inception, I have my own particular key issues to focus on during each election. Perhaps paramount of these issues is the matter of which mortal swine competing for this office is the most bespoke when it comes to personal fashion. Ol' Fuss and Feathers' slavish dedication to aesthetic resonates strongly with me.
just rust has issued a correction as of 21:02 on Mar 7, 2016 |
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Mar 7, 2016 21:00
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not to tell you what to do but I think webster is more representative of your demographic
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Mar 7, 2016 22:13
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MMM Whatchya Say posted:not to tell you what to do but I think webster is more representative of your demographic His candidacy risks exposing the Masquerade to the masses and that simply won't stand.
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Mar 7, 2016 23:34
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hmm i'm thinking of going  accelerationist and voting TROUP *beats slave*but really free soil and southern rights are basically equally likely to lead to civil waFUCK IT IM GOIN TROUP
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Mar 8, 2016 02:45
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GOONS FOR BROOMS WHEN YOU SWEEP THE LAND OF CATHOLICS, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A BROOM
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Mar 8, 2016 03:31
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It is amazing that two parties are both engaged on running on a platform of having no platform because they are so internally divided. You can really make the case that the party is running because the party machine doesn't know how to stop.quote:The so-called “Hercules of states’ rights,” Troup is wildly popular among the Southern aristocracy for his deep-throated defenses of slavery against increasing Northern pressure. It's nice to know that people who talk about states rights have been terrible since the 1800s!
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Mar 8, 2016 05:44
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Please don't vote for the Southern Rights Party even as a joke. If you're wanting to mix things up from the usual abolitionists, then go for the dead guy. But Christ, Troup sounds like the biggest rear end in a top hat we've gotten yet.
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Mar 8, 2016 06:52
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Cthulhu Dreams posted:It is amazing that two parties are both engaged on running on a platform of having no platform because they are so internally divided. You can really make the case that the party is running because the party machine doesn't know how to stop. Not only are there two parties running on "no platform" it is the two major parties that are doing that. Mantis42 posted:Please don't vote for the Southern Rights Party even as a joke. If you're wanting to mix things up from the usual abolitionists, then go for the dead guy. But Christ, Troup sounds like the biggest rear end in a top hat we've gotten yet. If people wanted to mix things up they should have voted for the blank slate that adopted the policy of "gently caress the south" last election maybe we can settle on Zach Taylor lite in Old Fuss and Feathers.Edit: Also considering that Andrew Jackson, Calhoun and Clay are all dead by this point any other worthwhile quotes or phrases for the title? SpRahl has issued a correction as of 07:05 on Mar 8, 2016 |
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Mar 8, 2016 06:57
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