Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

iyaayas01 posted:

Back to Ammo but it'll be AFMC, managing the global distribution/allocation of explodey things. I'm allegedly going to the APF side of things but we'll see if that actually happens.

To say I'm looking forward to it is an understatement. AFMC Bankers' hours, being one of the infamous "they" who never returns emails or answers phone calls (instead of being on the opposite end of that like I am now)...it's going to be great.

Sounds like sitting around in SAAD-MOD all day. Not jealous

# ? Mar 28, 2016 05:54

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# ? May 14, 2024 23:45

OMFG PTSD LOL PBUH: Sep 9, 2001

My mom was a Jew, and my dad is Apache.

SpongeBob called me Tonto Whitefish for a while.

Well that's my story hope you liked it.

# ? Mar 28, 2016 08:25

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Godholio posted:

You should probably sign your functional's office up for a wine/beer of the month club right now so they "forget" to put you on the VML to become an ADO at Minot or something in three years.

I stayed in Minot for a week last year and it wasn't too bad but if I had to be there more than that is probably hate everything.

# ? Mar 28, 2016 11:42

Scratch Monkey: Oct 25, 2010; 👰Proč bychom se netě�ili🥰kdy� n�m P�n Bůh🙌🏻zdrav� d�💪?

OMFG PTSD LOL PBUH posted:

My mom was a Jew, and my dad is Apache.

"Appreciates a Bargain" the Jewpache

# ? Mar 28, 2016 13:47

Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

Scratch Monkey posted:

"Appreciates a Bargain" the Jewpache

Makes a bargain, takes it back.

# ? Mar 28, 2016 21:46

Proust Malone: Apr 4, 2008

Soulex posted:

Makes a bargain, takes it back.

Gets offered a homeland, turns out to be Oklahoma.

# ? Mar 28, 2016 22:56

Zeris: Apr 15, 2003; Quality posting direct from my brain to your face holes.

OMFG PTSD LOL PBUH posted:

My mom was a Jew, and my dad is Apache.

SpongeBob called me Tonto Whitefish for a while.

Well that's my story hope you liked it.

If I offered you lobster flavored listerine would you chug it or sell it

# ? Mar 28, 2016 23:51

US Berder Patrol: Jul 11, 2006; oorah

Ron Jeremy posted:

Gets offered a homeland, turns out to be Oklahoma.

good one

# ? Mar 29, 2016 00:01

Wild T: Dec 15, 2008; The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

Majestic and noble, with a nose like a tomahawk.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 07:10

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

A reminder to pay attention to your local advisors on such important information they may have the answer to, such as, "Can I bring this gun on a plane with a bunch of non-military people on a non-military flight to a non-military destination, on non-military business?"

The answer may surprise you!

Especially if that commercial flight is run from a nation that has outlawed the private ownership of weapons, even if you have paperwork that does allow you to have those kinds of things in NATO nations.

Especially if that nation is not, nor has ever been, a part of NATO.

Even if you're the commander.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 19:53

Naked Bear: Apr 15, 2007; Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!

You can't not post the rest of that story.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 20:32

Proud Christian Mom: Dec 20, 2006; READING COMPREHENSION IS HARD

yeah thats the kinda of poo poo i expect to see all over facebook

TRUE AMERICAN HERO DETAINED BY FOREIGN NATION FOR EXERCISING GOD GIVEN RIGHT OF SELF-DEFENSE, OBAMA STILL PLAYING GOLF

# ? Mar 29, 2016 20:39

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

Naked Bear posted:

You can't not post the rest of that story.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 22:09

lightpole: Jun 4, 2004; I think that MBAs are useful, in case you are looking for an answer to the question of "Is lightpole a total fucking idiot".

3rd Mate on my last ship tried bringing a taser through Singapore customs. I'm not sure how it ended up since my buddy said he had to leave him there to catch his flight. I'm sure the mate didn't make his though.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 23:00

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

I have definitely heard about Aus navy ships getting the crew back on board after being ashore in (Asian city) with a big bin for "drop any weapons you bought like a loving moron in here and you won't get reamed for it". Then they make sure that anyone dumb enough to a) buy a loving throwing axe or something equally retarded and b) try to hold on to it after being given a get out of jail free card, gets proper hosed.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 00:02

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Naked Bear posted:

You can't not post the rest of that story.

I only got it from the flight ops guys who advised them not to do it, and watched them get arrested by Djiboutian police.

They bought their own flights home instead of waiting for a rotator or a movement flight and thought since they were (allegedly) :bustem:

they were good to go with breaking the law.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 05:54

Wild T: Dec 15, 2008; The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

Is it sort of hosed up that in a way, I pine for the good old days when my grandfather could smuggle a looted Nazi Luger back on the boat because nobody really gave a poo poo about war trophies?

The kicker of that story, since evidently I come from a long tradition of military idiots, is that he pawned it for a couple hundred bucks in the eighties to fix his car. He's also the guy who when the family started asking why he did 8 years as a paratrooper with tons of accolades but got out as a Corporal, admitted to being busted stripes four or five times. Once he and a couple buddies got sent back to England for training and upon finishing decided to just not come back for over two weeks because they were surrounded by grateful British women in a country where all the men were off fighting.

He also recounted about landing in the middle of night during Normandy with no loving clue where he, his unit or anyone else was. Rather than start poking around and drawing attention to himself he decides to dig a foxhole and hunker down. He gets a foot or so down in the sand when he hears a sharp clink. gently caress.

He gently scoots off a few yards away. A foot or two down... Clink. What the gently caress? Moves again, same story. At this point he's feeling like the luckiest motherfucker on the planet having banged on three dud mines with his e-tool... Only by now the sun is coming up and he can now see the stretch of metal fencing that had evidently been knocked down years ago and slowly buried in the dirt.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 13:29

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Wild T posted:

Is it sort of hosed up that in a way, I pine for the good old days when my grandfather could smuggle a looted Nazi Luger back on the boat because nobody really gave a poo poo about war trophies?

The kicker of that story, since evidently I come from a long tradition of military idiots, is that he pawned it for a couple hundred bucks in the eighties to fix his car. He's also the guy who when the family started asking why he did 8 years as a paratrooper with tons of accolades but got out as a Corporal, admitted to being busted stripes four or five times. Once he and a couple buddies got sent back to England for training and upon finishing decided to just not come back for over two weeks because they were surrounded by grateful British women in a country where all the men were off fighting.

He also recounted about landing in the middle of night during Normandy with no loving clue where he, his unit or anyone else was. Rather than start poking around and drawing attention to himself he decides to dig a foxhole and hunker down. He gets a foot or so down in the sand when he hears a sharp clink. gently caress.

He gently scoots off a few yards away. A foot or two down... Clink. What the gently caress? Moves again, same story. At this point he's feeling like the luckiest motherfucker on the planet having banged on three dud mines with his e-tool... Only by now the sun is coming up and he can now see the stretch of metal fencing that had evidently been knocked down years ago and slowly buried in the dirt.

Joe. Joe never changes.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 13:38

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

My great uncle was in a paratrooper unit during the Korean era and got the nickname the "paracows" after a soldier landed on a cow during training and got dragged all around.

Now I'm not entirely sure I believe him but it's such a inglorious silly story it might be true.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 16:09

Serjeant Buzfuz: Dec 5, 2009

LingcodKilla posted:

My great uncle was in a paratrooper unit during the Korean era and got the nickname the "paracows" after a soldier landed on a cow during training and got dragged all around.

Now I'm not entirely sure I believe him but it's such a inglorious silly story it might be true.

Sounds %100 true IMO,

# ? Mar 30, 2016 16:36

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Only Joe would willingly continue digging in a minefield.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 16:37

Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

Wild T posted:

Is it sort of hosed up that in a way, I pine for the good old days when my grandfather could smuggle a looted Nazi Luger back on the boat because nobody really gave a poo poo about war trophies?

The kicker of that story, since evidently I come from a long tradition of military idiots, is that he pawned it for a couple hundred bucks in the eighties to fix his car. He's also the guy who when the family started asking why he did 8 years as a paratrooper with tons of accolades but got out as a Corporal, admitted to being busted stripes four or five times. Once he and a couple buddies got sent back to England for training and upon finishing decided to just not come back for over two weeks because they were surrounded by grateful British women in a country where all the men were off fighting.

He also recounted about landing in the middle of night during Normandy with no loving clue where he, his unit or anyone else was. Rather than start poking around and drawing attention to himself he decides to dig a foxhole and hunker down. He gets a foot or so down in the sand when he hears a sharp clink. gently caress.

He gently scoots off a few yards away. A foot or two down... Clink. What the gently caress? Moves again, same story. At this point he's feeling like the luckiest motherfucker on the planet having banged on three dud mines with his e-tool... Only by now the sun is coming up and he can now see the stretch of metal fencing that had evidently been knocked down years ago and slowly buried in the dirt.

I think the military really put their foot down when we started collecting Japanese skulls as war trophies.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 17:48

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

And this is why I'm never opening the surprisingly heavy scrotum shaped leather bag we found in pop-pops war chest.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 20:04

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

LingcodKilla posted:

And this is why I'm never opening the surprisingly heavy scrotum shaped leather bag we found in pop-pops war chest.

If it actually exists it is your duty to open it.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 20:32

Proud Christian Mom: Dec 20, 2006; READING COMPREHENSION IS HARD

He didn't fight a real war for you to be a pussy

# ? Mar 30, 2016 21:20

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

LingcodKilla posted:

And this is why I'm never opening the surprisingly heavy scrotum shaped leather bag we found in pop-pops war chest.

C'mon, what's the worst thing that could be in there?

# ? Mar 30, 2016 21:26

maffew buildings: Apr 29, 2009; too dumb to be probated; not too dumb to be autobanned

go3 posted:

He didn't fight a real war for you to be a pussy

# ? Mar 30, 2016 22:24

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

LingcodKilla posted:

And this is why I'm never opening the surprisingly heavy scrotum shaped leather bag we found in pop-pops war chest.

Make that loving thread.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 22:24

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Gonna be Capone's vault again

# ? Mar 30, 2016 22:38

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Lordy it's a joke.

But I like how much you guys want to believe.

All my lame grandpa left me of dubious origins was a cut- off 30-06 "pistol". We know he threatened to kill at least one person with it but he really did need killing.

Still waiting on 18 years of child support payment.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 22:40

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

I'd settle for a pic of that pistol. :crossarms:

# ? Mar 30, 2016 22:46

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Godholio posted:

I'd settle for a pic of that pistol.

So would the ATF

# ? Mar 30, 2016 22:53

Aranan: May 21, 2007; Release the Kraken

My (great?) grandfather was in WWII. As the story goes, he was out doing WAR STUFF during a snowstorm. He came across two Nazis sitting on a log next to a fire one night, but as he snuck closer, he realized the log was really a dead, frozen American. He then killed them and took one of their Nazi knives as a prize.

(Not my photo, but it's the same dagger)

# ? Mar 30, 2016 23:03

maffew buildings: Apr 29, 2009; too dumb to be probated; not too dumb to be autobanned

My grandfather had some Nazi stuff that he did not gain through heroic derring do but rather via stealing from whoever had what he wanted like a GI is predisposed to

# ? Mar 30, 2016 23:13

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

So would the ATF

It got lost overboard in a tragic boating accident.
Wasn't really tragic nor an accident but it is now a barnacle colony.

I got a Nambu from my stepdad who got it from his dad who was a merchant marine and won it in a poker game.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 23:14

Helldump Immunity.: Aug 2, 2013; Fuck you

My Grandma's ex told me a shitload of cool stories about Anzio and all the stupid poo poo they used to do, like blowing up safes for lols and profit.

Wasabi the J posted:

Joe. Joe never changes.

# ? Mar 30, 2016 23:37

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

WW2 seems like the best case scenario for a complete breakdown of the CoC

# ? Mar 31, 2016 00:41

Phanatic: Mar 13, 2007; Please don't forget that I am an extremely racist idiot who also has terrible opinions about the Culture series.

LingcodKilla posted:

It got lost overboard in a tragic boating accident.
Wasn't really tragic nor an accident but it is now a barnacle colony.

I got a Nambu from my stepdad who got it from his dad who was a merchant marine and won it in a poker game.

My grandfather (he of the official steal-everything-that-isn't-nailed-down dock pass I've posted before) came back with a 1914 artillery Luger and the official declaration paperwork that made it 100% legal (well, on the form he spelled it Lugar, but he got the serial number right).

Then I had the holster autographed by about half a dozen of the Band of Brothers guys including Buck Compton and Bill Guarnere because that's the only hero worship I engage in.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 01:53

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

My grandfather brought back half a machine gun from a kamikaze that hit his ship.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 01:57

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# ? May 14, 2024 23:45

Phanatic: Mar 13, 2007; Please don't forget that I am an extremely racist idiot who also has terrible opinions about the Culture series.

Tunicate posted:

My grandfather brought back half a machine gun from a kamikaze that hit his ship.

Okay, the only thing that would trump that would be the head of the kamikaze that hit his ship. You win.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 02:02

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