DOMDOM posted:

Truth.

The problem here is not that mister mormon is a virgin. It is his lack of any sex ed coupled with enough inherent fear that he hasn't even been curious enough to research it on his own time.

Also, never watched porn.

I dunno sounds like he's sexually dysfunctional enough for this to be a real dealbreaker. Thanks joseph smith!

Rockin Orthodontist posted:

Does watching porn teach you how to be good in bed? At all? Most of the postures are chosen for how they look on camera not how good they feel, and certainly not how good they feel for the lady. Even the orgasms in most lesbian porn look fake as hell.

Maybe a vintage stag film could be instructional, where some hairy people just have sex while bow chicka bow wow music plays, but a lot of modern porn is awful for teaching you how to sex.

Rockin Orthodontist posted:

Does watching porn teach you how to be good in bed? At all? Most of the postures are chosen for how they look on camera not how good they feel, and certainly not how good they feel for the lady. Even the orgasms in most lesbian porn look fake as hell.

Maybe a vintage stag film could be instructional, where some hairy people just have sex while bow chicka bow wow music plays, but a lot of modern porn is awful for teaching you how to sex.

Day Man posted:

It's gotta be better than absolutely no knowledge at all.

Day Man posted:

It's gotta be better than absolutely no knowledge at all.

Rockin Orthodontist posted:

What's worse, a guy who has no idea how sex works, or a guy who has watched this gif a thousand times and thinks this is how sex works?

Day Man posted:

20 something years of having "sex is so evil that you shouldn't even know anything about it" drilled into your brain seems harder to get over than "girls totally like facials and anal".

Day Man posted:

20 something years of having "sex is so evil that you shouldn't even know anything about it" drilled into your brain seems harder to get over than "girls totally like facials and anal".

quote:

My (50F) daughter (17F) is attracted to her teacher (30sM). She's mad at me for making her change classes.

My daughter has been acting weird. I'd pick her up from school and she'd seem overly happy, she'd always be talking about "Mr. Smith" and how much she loved his class (that just so happens to be her last one of the day) and on and on like that. I was suspicious she had a crush, so while she was off at school earlier this week I read her diary.
I know some parents would say it's wrong but I do it a lot; it lets me into her head. There were 2 entire pages about how cute and nice and wonderful Mr.Smith was. Thank god there was nothing graphic but she clearly thinks he's the bees knees. On Friday I went to the school and convinced them to place her in another class, then hung out in my car in the parking lot until it was time to take her home.
She came out all upset, asking why I did that. I explained about the diary and she freaked out, starting crying and yelling and wouldn't talk to me for nearly a full day, other than throwing the diary at me when we got home. I took away her Internet and phone priveliges for the time being for throwing it at me, but she seems so angry and distant and I don't know what to do.
Help?
TLDR: Changed my daughters teacher and she's mad at me.

Manticorny posted:

mormon virgin porn??? sign me up!

it should be called "Mount and Do"

remigious posted:

It is super loving obvious when you're with a guy that learned how to have sex from watching porn.

military cervix posted:

At least the comment section is calling her an rear end in a top hat.

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

Link to crazy diary mom thread please

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

Link to crazy diary mom thread please

quote:

Man oh man. Thank you for this. I've been married to an Aspie for 22 years. I didn't know it when we got married. He didn't know it. In fact, he wasn't diagnosed until just this last year (21 years into the marriage). People have always said that we seemed to be more 'business partners' than 'marriage partners' and I have to say, knowing what the problem is hasn't made it any easier. In fact, it has made it harder. Before I knew I could hope that one day he'd 'wake up' and start treating me better. Before I knew I was able to tell myself that once the kids were grown and out on their own I could start a life on my own. Now I don't even have hope because my moral compass doesn't let me just leave him, and I am so tired - so FUNDAMENTALLY tired of everything being about him. It hurts. it really does.

quote:

I'm right there with you. Opposite with presents, has to make him stop, it was a lot OCD.
No common sense, no friends. I was in a car accident about year ago. So lonely. Needed to be fed after migraine sent me to
Hospital, he forgot. I'm burned out. Being on call as a midwife was far easier and less emotionally draining.
What a relief to find a place to talk about this.
Is the only choice: save yourself?
I really love the person but HATE living with him. I have cried more because of this one man's thoughtlessness than all the political injustices I have witnessed.
I'm am truly sorry to say this, but I am at the end of my rope. I have threatened, cajoled, joked,teased, prodded, asked, begged, pleaded, bargained, and then I just give up. Aspires should come with a warning sign.
At one point I has to leave and live elsewhere to get him to finish a household project, not really important, it was just putting in a toilet. The only one on the property.

quote:

I have been married to an Aspie for nine years. He was not diagnosed until after we were married. For many years I could not understand why he was underemployed ( he had to degrees). He convinced me that if he just got another degree (in Mandarin Chinese) he could be a translator and get a job that suited him. It was when I watched him interact with his coworkers (we worked in a kitchen; he was a dishwasher) while we played a simple game of cards that I began to dig on the internet. He felt comfortable with the fit, although was somewhat embarrassed about the whole thing. Once we were able to get help from an employee placement agency that helps people with "disabilities", he has become employed as a computer programmer.
Our relationship could be described as parent/child. I feel that I have had to teach him a lot about a lot of things and he has certainly improved over the years, to the point that he has become militant about his Aspieness.
There are still some things that I don't think I will ever be able to change. Things like blurting inappropriate comments in a social situation, or dropping the F bomb in the supermarket lineup. I can't stop him from making monumental messes (his study, the garage, the basement) that are impossible to deal with. Of course I'm not 'allowed' to touch these messes or throw anything out. I've seen him derail contractors who have come in to do repairs on the house, insisting he can do better and then leaving the project undone. I can't help him with his impulsiveness or the fact that his head is never in the game. He's lost keys, wallet, money, camera. And that's only the stuff he couldn't hide from me. He never seems to learns from mistakes and won't take suggestions from me on how to avoid repeats of disasters. I'm embarrassed to have anyone visit in my house, except close family because of the mess and unfinished projects. And it drives me nuts the time he can spend on totally pointless projects and exercises when real things need to be done.
I am lucky, from what I have read, that he can be very sweet and kind.

quote:

My wife is an Aspie. Very high functioning. Four degrees, three doctorates.

Sometimes it is very difficult.

I can have to go from being a lover to her parent in a very short time.

We have been together for 23 years.

quote:

My husband too was diagnosed after we married. It's three years in and I am so beaten down by his deep need to be in control, his need to have the last word and to be right, his anger, his utter lack of empathy and humor, that I no longer recognize myself.

I was an outgoing, charming, happy and beautiful person- now I am a nearly silent, emotionless, empty shell. His jealousy was so extreme, and his behavior so outrageous, that he would drive by my office, peering in windows, and call or text me angrily all day about whatever he though he saw...finally I was asked to leave. Now I work for him and many days the only people I see or talk to have autism/ aspergers...it's like I am drowning.

When he was first diagnosed he was eager to try to grow and change to better meet my needs, but now he says he is "done changing for me" and it's my turn to adapt for him. But all the jealous rages, the meltdowns, tantrums (over ANYTHING- even what laundry basket I used for his kids clothes, or my cell phone receiving a wrong number call) plus the made-up accusations and controlling angry behavior has taken it's toll.

I realized recently that I no longer feel anything like romantic love for him, although I very much want to; but those little things like sharing a laugh, and eye contact, and agreeableness, and genuine heartfelt (not learned) affection, are not possible with him and never will be... and that makes it very hard to feel close. He sees no problem with puling out his phone and googling facts to "prove" how wrong I am when all I am doing is expressing my OPINION, yet to him he is "doing me a favor" so I won't "make a fool out of myself" by "being wrong". We can't even have the most casual of conversations without this type of thing happening, and he thinks that I am completely wrong for being hurt and insulted by all of his behaviors. I have had to distance myself from friends and family, none of whom like him at all, and now my support system is nonexistent.

I completely agree with the commenter who said that Aspies should come with a warning label. If I did not have three kids from a previous marriage that I can't support, I would have left a long time ago. This is the most empty, combative, controlling relationship that I have ever witnessed and I feel utterly dead inside as a result. If I could tell anyone anything about a long term relationship with an Aspie, it is RUN. You can't fix them and they will never be able to understand much less fulfill your emotional needs. It is a lonely, heartbreaking way to live.

quote:

Although its nice to know I am not the only one suffering through an AS/ NT marriage I do feel so bad for all the rest of you; never would I wish this existence on anyone. The previous commenter who hoped the "worship" of autistic kids didn't backfire took the words right out of my mouth. My AS husband is arrogant about his condition, he is convinced it is an evolutionary leap forward for mankind and that having no emotions to deal with only means he is superior to those of us who can't/ don't operate on pure logic. Even though what passes for "logic" to him often looks like "insanity" to the rest of us, he is NEVER WRONG and thus every problem we have is MY FAULT. And nothing in his world "just happens", blame must be assigned for everything even a full trash can! I am reading my second book on how to be married to an Aspie and this one, like every other article, book, blog, is only about how the NT partner must basically lower their expectations and adapt to all the AS partners' needs. Well what about OUR needs? Is marriage to an AS partner just supposed to be a nonstop give-a-thon, with no satisfaction, affection, love, or consideration of our very valid feelings? Sure it's a disability, but won't we ever hold these people accountable for all their awful behavior?

quote:

The "shut downs" are the worst. I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years, together for 5, and I just had the epiphany last week that he has AS. It explains so many things, some of them things that I didn't even think needed explaining but were just part of his issues with anxiety or a result of being a bachelor most of his life.

The smallest, most gentle effort on my part to explain the hurt that I am feeling causes him to shut down, usually for several days. When he eventually decides to start talking to me again, he'll explain his reaction as "I don't appreciate being yelled at". (I am NOT a yeller.) Never an apology, never an acknowledgement that there is any validity to my feelings or that ignoring me for a week was not a kind or helpful response to my plea for understanding. We went to counseling, where he agreed that it would be helpful to show me some attention and affection each day, if only for a few minutes after getting home for work. During the two weeks that he managed to do this, everything started to feel managable again, and I told him what a difference it made to me to feel his support. I guess that was his signal that his work was done, because he immediately stopped making that very minimal effort.

I am trying to figure out how to bring him into the knowledge of what I now know (and, yes, I know it with certainty, depite the lack of an official diagnosis). I don't think he would be receptive if it came from me, as he perceives so many things as criticism that are not intended to be. But I don't see how I can possibly endure in this relationship unless he can learn to be open to hearing me, even if he doesn't understand or empathize.

I had such high hopes for this second marriage; I believed I had found that partner with whom to share the rest of my life. I am grieving. It has helped reaching out to friends, with whom I feel loved and supported. And then I go home, where I feel utterly alone in his presence.

quote:

I have been in a relationship with a non diagnosed aspie for 7 years , I was attracted to his good looks masculinity incredible body and deep mystery , I am in the caring proffession and thought he offered a challenge but I certainly got more than I bargained for ........ His quirky behaviour , , childlike innocence , lack of common sense , inappropriate responses soon became apparent , this again was part of his unusual charm and it made me want to reach out and mother him ! However , I soon experienced cool indifference , lack of interest in my topic of conversation , lack o empathy and outright selfishness on his part , I often felt alone when he was in the same room and the lengthy silence during evenings were only interrupted by his mumblings about certain actors in films and his " voice overs " during adverts , when watching tv , when I attempt to enter into gentle conversation about how he makes me feel invisible he becomes very defensive and asks why I should have an opinion !!!!

quote:

I know all this. I know I am his personal secretary, personal assistant, nurse, counsellor and mother all at once. I KNOW. What I don't know is what to do for me!! That's what I was hoping for here. Tips on self care.

What about telling me how it's not my fault or his fault either? What about telling me how it's normal and OK to feel guilty about having certain thoughts sometimes? What about telling me my anger and frustration is justified, just that it won't do any good?

What about encouraging me to go out and have massages, meet up with friends, take bubble baths?

What about tips on how I can get him to do more chores around the hosue?

What I really, really, REALLY would like some tips on is how can I get him to have sex!! 8 years without sex because he just doesn't want to go there - and he will not consider my having my very real and valid needs met outside the relationship. So it's be celibate against my will or walk away. What about tips on dealing with that?

More about him and his needs. I get him and his needs every day. Where is the help and advice for my needs? They are just as valid and just as important, even if the person with AS can't see that.

Pick posted:

If you want a really fun read, try the comments from sites for people whose spouses have Asperger's.

LethalGeek posted:

I need a cig after that

quote:

Anastasia McPherson Pilcher said...
You write "....someone who isn't selfish and who is prepared to do a lit of work without getting much back."

That describes a lot of As/NT relationships. Right now I'm depleted from my one-sided relationship with an aspie but even in a calm moment of clarity, why should anyone do this in a romantic or marital partnership? These relationships are supposed to be between equals and about reciprocity.

I believe that there are some aspies that could have a relationship that is give and take. It depends on how high their functioning is, where their deficits are and what compromises and accommodations the other partner can make. Post a here speak of clear communication, BUT these are the areas where people with Aspergers have trouble. If my husband and I could communicate, things might be at least bearable.

An example. Once, when very emotional after days of passive aggressive stonewalling from my partner, I shouted. "I would rather die than continue living like this. Please, talk to me. Just talk to me." My husband proceeded to start giving me a lecture on Winston Churchill. He was watching a documentary on Churchill at the time. When I responded "What the F ars you doing?" He replied "Talking to you. That is what you asked."

Pick posted:

quote:

I have submitted my story because I found so much reassurance and support from reading other women's accounts of their relationships with a person with Asperger syndrome.

My husband and I have been married for 42 years and are of retirement age, although we both still work full-time. We have had serious relationship difficulties in certain areas for as long as we have known each other. We have seen probably about ten therapists, including CBT and couples therapists, but this has made absolutely no difference to our relationship.

Several years ago we were all reading The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night-Time, and both my husband and our older daughter remarked that they recognized certain aspects of themselves in the book. Until then I had never heard of Asperger syndrome; but the moment when the mother in the story asked her son if she might just hold his hand and he refused, dug a familiar hole in my heart.

COMMUNICATION DIFFICULTIES

My husband is a highly intelligent superbly functioning man with a few exceptions: he appears to be largely incapable of empathy and either emotional or physical intimacy.

He is happy to do any job which needs doing: driving any family member anywhere they need to go, repairing anything broken, assisting one of the children or animals after an accident. But when I fell off a high ledge in the garden onto gravel and both my knees were pouring with blood, all he said was "You better get up now." He made no attempt to comfort or help me.

After I spent two months in America and returned having lost weight, he did not compliment me but remarked "You look like you’ve had a head transplant." He once said I looked "good", but has never said I looked pretty or lovely or anything of that nature.

INTIMACY

My husband has been predominantly asexual throughout our relationship and seems to have very little need for holding hands, kissing, or being physically affectionate. He has learned to 'bear hug' in the last few years; but it is certainly not an embrace.

He is adamant that he is not gay. My friends say he obviously loves me and our daughters, but he expresses himself practically rather than emotionally. I have often accused him of not having any feelings: he retorts that he does have feelings but that I do not recognize when he is expressing them. He finds it much easier to be demonstrative about our pets.

He used to buy me things like wheelbarrows and wallpaper until I complained. He has never bought me a piece of feminine or intimate apparel. He would much rather repair the vacuum cleaner, tidy the hundreds of jars of nails or screws in his workshop, or restore equipment on his boat than share emotional experiences with me.

He generally appears to be uncomfortable in the face of emotional displays, and has always tended to walk away and go back to work when there have been family arguments. I found the few holidays we have taken together very lonely and will not go away with him any more: the running commentary on the buildings we see and the history of the place is always very interesting, but there is no emotional content or rapport in response to new and exciting experiences.

TRYING TO UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR

He has great difficulty in recognising people; and if we are watching a film and the lead actress changes her hairstyle, he cannot recognise her as the same actress. He is very uncomfortable going into shops (other than DIY stores or chandlers which he knows well), and when he is given new clothes he can leave them in the cupboard or dresser drawers for several years before they 'feel friendly' and he is prepared to wear them.

When we sit at the dining table, he has an odd habit of closing one eye and 'lining things up' with the glazing bars on the windows. He cannot sit at the table without tipping his chair backwards and trying to balance it. He dries himself after a bath in exactly the same way every time. He eats the same breakfast and lunch every day, which he makes for himself using the same utensils. He always uses the same mug.

So much of my relationship with my husband has been tainted by our lack of emotional communication and the recriminations arising from it: feelings of responsibility, disappointment, my anger at his complete control of our relationship, his fear of my anger, feelings of inadequacy on both our parts, and mutual failure of understanding.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF EXPRESSING EMOTIONS

I spent 25 years trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and what I needed to change to get my husband to be interested in me. I have spent ten of the past 15 years, while we were seeing therapists, being angry about his insistence (acquired from one of the therapists) that I am equally at fault by not being patient enough with him.

A few years ago, I was feeling very dispirited: our younger daughter (in her 20s) was still coccooned at home, recovering from a long illness. I was plagued by chronic urgent diarrhoea which terrorized me when I had to go out in the car, my hair had inexplicably begun to fall out, and I had a ganglion on my foot which was about to have surgery. I said to my husband, "I could really do with some comforting.” His response, after 40 years of marriage, was "What sort of comforting would you like?"

Periodically, when my unhappiness became overwhelming, I used to force him to talk about our lack of love life (not just lack of sex.). He normally doesn't like to talk about emotional issues and says he cannot speak about what he feels. His response was that he was simply "unable to perform" and because he couldn’t perform, he thought that other physical/sensual communication was not necessary. It wasn't until he was prescribed Viagra, used it once and never used it again, that I understood that it wasn't that he couldn't perform, but that for whatever reason (which I could not then understand) he preferred not to.

At this point, I finally realised, with the help of my closest friend, that my husband actually had no idea what I meant when I complained about our lack of emotional communication and loving. His response was always "I am doing everything possible to make this marriage work", implying that I was being demanding and unreasonable to ask for anything else.

My husband is still very good-looking, intelligent, talented, philosophic, sweet, quiet, and undemanding – in fact the living image of many women's ideal man – so my complaints appeared unfounded and unreasonable to several of the therapists we saw as well.

ADJUSTING EXPECTATIONS

I searched for Asperger syndrome online. Among lots of other information, I found Sarah Hendrickx's Asperger's Syndrome - A Love Story and Maxine Aston's Aspergers In Love, which described my relationship with my husband completely and absolutely and at last put a name to everything I had already identified and understood.

It is not easy to leave a man like my husband, and there are many reasons why I decided to stay in this incomplete but worthwhile marriage. However, in order to survive it as a whole person and retain my sense of self and self-esteem, I also realised that I would have to establish new boundaries in our relationship.

I no longer have any expectations of my husband's ability to be affectionate and loving. As a result, I have ceased to put any pressure on him to change, he no longer feels threatened by demands he cannot understand, and we now have a friendly, communicative, and companionable relationship that works well.

I have also accepted that I am not responsible for my husband's problems, nor am I responsible for solving them. I am only responsible for making my own life happy and rewarding. I tend to keep very busy and get other kinds of fulfilment from my friends, children and career; but at quiet moments I still have not abandoned the idea of a love affair.

Dial-a-Dog posted:

I will never understand these people who stay in loveless/sexless relationships and marriages for years and decades. Twenty five years of trying to fix your marriage? Holy lol you'd be happier single and certain you'd die alone

Pick posted:

They think they're at fault for not loving enough or being patient enough.

Dial-a-Dog posted:

I will never understand these people who stay in loveless/sexless relationships and marriages for years and decades. Twenty five years of trying to fix your marriage? Holy lol you'd be happier single and certain you'd die alone

Panfilo posted:

Sunk cost fallacy. You get so invested in trying to work things out, quitting at any point feels like all the years up to that point were a waste of time. A loveless marraige can also feel harder to justify to others vs a partner that is outwardly abusive, cheats, etc.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Well maybe they shouldn't have married a train-hugger to begin with

quote:

My husband is of little to no support on that front either, the loneliness and building resentment is unbearable. I think it's wrong to tell us we should stay, this is our life, they can't help it, etc. I'd rather be alone than feel alone w/a man that takes no responsibility and just piles it on me. He left me alone through serious illness & has no friends & as a result I'm losing mine too. No one is comfortable around him & all he wants to do is blame me and make no changes. I can't imagine never knowing what it is to live w/o all of this stress and oddly, I want that for him too. Why don't they admit they would rather be alone, is it the change b/c he can go so long w/o noticing me, of course that is unless HE needs or wants something. If you aren't married yet, run, it will destroy you, they can't cope w/anything and you are always wrong and they are reclusive and lack all introspection and empathy except on the rarest of occasions. I'm scared, but I really think this time I'm done. I just wish he could let us be friends, maybe more, just can't live w/it day in and day out. I wish you all so much happiness and support.

quote:

Get out of the house, join the gym, volunteer, go to places you have never been to before. Before you totally give up on what you have go find out what is out there. Take a deep breath put a smile on your dile and give it a go.

Rockin Orthodontist posted:

Plus some of them look like real catches. Decent looking, good job, spends lots of time at home. Isn't abusive, cheating, or an addict.

Oh boo hoo, he's not affectionate enough.

ROFLburger posted:

what is a 'relationship' ?

Maldoror posted: