quote:

I only recently realized my husband of 21 years has Asberger's. It has helped me to see why he's always been completely neglectful of me and self-involved, obsessive with his many hobbies - but never time nor communication with me and our two non-Aspie kids, whom I raised almost entirely alone. I want out but I dont' know how. Please share how you divorced these men - mine will be angry and take everything I have. Any help on what to say or how to deal with someone that has no concern for his wife's feelings? He always believes he's in the right. Thank you.

quote:

Thank you all for sharing your experience. I would like to ask you one thing (I’m a foreigner, so sorry for any mistake I may make).
I’m about to marry a man I believe has Aspergers (I only discovered it few months ago, a real shock for me). I cried my eyes out, but now I need to think straight before the most important decision of my life (our wedding is planned in 1.5 months).
I always knew he’s different, especially with people, but I thought no one is perfect and that he’s a programmer, so it’s normal. But I’ve always felt aside him, not “with” him. Often his odd way of thinking, lack of knowledge about everyday things and indifferent attitude for some people (he doesn’t like some of my friends, but some of them he likes; he doesn’t have any real friends of his own) disturbed me, and I often felt embarrassed with his lack of “normal intelligence” and lack of normal human skills while we met my friends or his family (often he says nothing at all, not even a word).
But with me he’s so different – he’s very caring and sweet, always supporting me, organizing many things for me, smiling, taking well care of practical things (paying the bills, saving money for home, repairing things) and I feel I can trust him and rely on him and that he’s always there for me, like no one was before. Even emotionally – even if he doesn’t’ catch “emotional” issues of other people, he sees and hears it in my voice that something is wrong or that I’m pleased. So this is something that doesn’t suit me for an aspergers.. Do you think he will change once we’re married and moved in together? Did you have such experiences?
I think his dad can have aspergers too, he’s got no facial expressions, during 4 years I’ve known his son we talked maybe 4 times even though I was quite an often guest in their house, he’s always so uninterested, sleep in a different room that his wife. My fiancé’s mom who’s a nice person and very pretty woman, told me once that after getting married she was disappointed with her marriage because her husband didn’t compliment her, forget about her birthday etc. Frankly, when we’re somewhere together in his family I don’t see any bond between them as a married couple (my parents are happy together and you can see they love each other just by looking at them). Whereas when you enter my fiancé’s home is like entering a fridge. My fiancé says he doesn’t want to be this way in his own home, but I’m afraid he will be no different just because he was born this way. And it really scares me, especially the vision of him as a father. He wants to have children, he often says that he can’t wait to go camping with them or doing sport with them but I can’t imagine how we’ll bond with them as he’s not able to bond to other people, to even talk to them normally.. And children are small people who won’t make a conversation for him and won’t tell about their feelings like adults, like me.
I sometimes feel lonely, but I’ve always thought it’s because my expectations are too high, maybe any man can’t give us what we expect on emotional level.. I also observed physical symptoms from some time – I lost weight, have often hard headaches and doesn’t have the same energy as I used to have (and I was a very active, open person).
Maybe there’s a different degree of aspergers and my fiancés case is not so bad..

quote:

I've really been blessed by reading these comments. I think it's hard for many to understand what the issues with our "non abusive" aspergers husbands are. my mother recently told me, at least he doesn't hit you. like really that ess all I should expect. I've been married for 15 years now to one. he works( keyboard issues on my phone, please forgive), but is not a good provider, especially considering his abilities, I can never resolve any issue as I'm always wrong, at fault, " stupid". I've rai sed his two sons,also with Aspergers, that's how I realized he had it, trying to raise them on my own. neither he or the mother did anything but make it harder, almost impossible. ive done it, both sons know, I'm the "only real parent" and we now have a daughter together. she sees all the dysfunction. my health is a complete wreck, or I would leave, and my daughter has health concerns, or I still would leave. I just no longer, after giving him my everything for all these years, and sacrificing my mental and physical health can leave with her. I have few job skills, that I can employe dueto my health. my husband is calm and genital, but he never responds, and even reapeated calm requests to a response get nothing, or a very delayed and still passive aggressive response, or sometimes anger. I never know, what he "hears" whenever something goes wrong he didn't "know" or "hear". even if I just told him! and i can't possibly tell him every single little thing. lists and notes don't help. repeated reminders dont help, he constantly undermines whatever I'm doing with the children and family and then claims ignorance yet his IQ is through the roof. I'm an affectionate person yet I haven't had a kiss, in many years. Truly I'm just venting here! I can't believe they will no longer even diagnose Aspergers syndrome, much less Cassandra's, but let me tell you I have Cassandra, and 3 of my 4 family members have it. my daughter loves her father, I fostered and helped him develope a relationship with all the children, however he can't " empathise" with them, and the guys can't empathise with me, I'm going bonkers, and my daughter has to see it all. I've damaged my spine, and more due to his direct inability to follow any requests, that basically incapacitated me. I have no family our friends support, they typically can't see the issue with my "affitable" husband.

quote:

I was originally drawn to my husband because he was a math whiz. He knew everything about computers and could fix anything that broke. He had a sweet and quiet nature with handsome angelic looks. We dated for four years and at the time he did not own his own practice. He seemed to have a gentle strength. I was a single mom who had been married to a narcissist so a humble not so experienced man seemed just perfect. What I failed to really understand at the time was the following. He had no meaningful friendships. He never took the initiative to connect with people. He did excellent in school but had no social IQ,He never asked me questions that had any personal depth. After 4 years of dating I had to ask him what his intentions were because I did not want to continue to date him forever. Since we never lived together prior to marriage I only saw the good qualities he could bring for a visit or a weekend where he could then go to his home and lose himself in his computer. After 13 years of marriage I finally figured out that he had Aspergers. I spent so many lonely evenings crying in the shower. I thought I wasn't pretty enough because he never complimented me. I thought I couldn't cook good enough because I never got oohs and ahhs. At one point I thought he could be homosexual because he was only interested in sex about every 6-8 weeks. Even when holding him in an embrace i never felt like I could ever really reach into his heart. All in all, I became a bitchy, tired, mother to my husband. I started to point out that he was detached, not a team player. I told him he needed to help in the house and spend time with our kids. I started to tell him where he was falling short. The more I complained the more frustrated and angry I became the more he shut down and refused to interact until one day after having had an accident that landed him in the hospital, shortly after that he just walked out. He stated that he no longer loved me and wanted to be alone. I feel like I gave up so many years helping him in his practice, being responsible for the home and all in it. Losing myself in the process and never feeling any sort of appreciation or empathy for anything I might have experienced in life with him. If I had known and understood earlier perhaps we could have made it. So remember if you are in a marriage with an aspie and you are frustrated beyond hope stop criticizing it will go no where. Get help from a professional who deals with Aspergers and nothing less as many councelors do not know how to treat. If you are dating seriously think twice before getting married. You will never achieve complete relationship the way you hope for as sweet as they seem at first. My aspie is divorcing me and in many ways that makes me sad as I would have stayed if he sought help. Truly being without him feels no different than when we where married. Yes I miss the good I remember but I would rather be alone with the kids than married in our home with the illusion of a marriage. Sad to report the kids state they wouldn't want him back in the house and that they are more comfortable living without him.

quote:

et out while you are young- I waited til age 58 and am starting over with nothing.

quote:

I thought no one is perfect and that he’s a programmer, so it’s normal.

Pick posted:

quote:

get out while you are young- I waited til age 58 and am starting over with nothing.

DOMDOM posted:

Still doesnt explain the spouses quoted here, i want to hear their origin stories. How do you fall in love with someone incapable of emotion?

quote:

I am married to one for 18 yrs now. Very self-absorbed, with "I don't care attitude".

But, if you have children, parting is more complicated. You cannot decide what suits you personally. Have to think if separating will be good for the rest of the family. Plus, Asperger man can give you harder time after you left him, than if you stay in the same house...
What really getting hard for me personally, it to be single, officially being married.
No affection, appreciation... No sex for 2 yrs. I refuse it, because I feel used. I am just a female body for him.
When I go to the beach with children, I envy those couples, that walk along the beach, holding hands...
I don't know how it's going to end for us, but being "married" like this is worst than being single. Just because you are neither. You cannot even go for a date with no one, because you are married. You cannot enjoy intimacy in marriage, because you are actually - single, on your own.
I feel like I got lost...

quote:

Please help me!! I am 38 years old. Married to an aspie husband for 10 years. For the past few years, we only had sex like once in a year!! The only times he wanted sex was when he hoped to have a child (I guess). After having a child, the sex just stopped. He had ED problem but never want to admit it and didn't seek professional help. I told him to get a diagnosis for asperger but he get angry and in denial. He told me he was just fine. I can't even have a normal conversation with him like others. I am exhausted, frustrated, emotionally drained. I even think of commit suicide! Should I stay in this marriage for the sake of our child? At the age of 38, am I still able to find another man (who can have normal conversation with me, not after money, look etc). I felt so lonely, long for affection, empathy. I really need some supportive comment.

quote:

Sounds like you are a very good husband, and trying your best.
As emotions go... It is so complicated. The most of it cannot be explained, a person had to .. feel it, and understand..
Give you an example of how my husband is not...
Years ago our daughter had to have pretty serious surgery of her head.
Before the surgery we had an appointment with a doctor, and he explained all the details about surgery. It was so much to it. Like, if her little body reacts to a donor blood, they may not be able to save her life...Many other detail how her head is going to be reshaped...
Guess what? my husband was reading a brochure, that he found in the office, while doctor was doing all the explanation!...I couldn't believe it, but didn't want to comment on it while in the doctor's office. On the way home I told him how offensive it was.
Respond was: " You don't think I was able to hear the doctor while reading?"
We are married for 18 yrs now. Have children. All I see is mind, but no heart to him. ( I do not really know how to put it). It's like there is no soul, or whatever people call it. Just empty person, as a person goes. Cannot expect much from him.
When I am sick, or when I had a surgery, he is not caring or sympathetic. I am on my own.. If I ask him to bring me something, he will. But not from heart, not because he cares...
Why do women stay?

quote:

happy and proud of myself. Now, I am depressed, ill, have lost all confidence and feel trapped in a loveless marriage and I hate myself for it as much as I hate my husband for it. We didn't live together before marriage and both being in our 30s got married quickly and had our baby within a year, so we never had a lot of alone time. We had another child about 16 years ago and have not had sex since - AND HE HAS NEVER MENTIONED IT!!! I don't miss sex with him because he only knows what he has read from magazines and was inappropriate and unloving. I realised he had Aspergers a while ago and we went to counselling, but he only tells people what he thinks they want to hear and we got nowhere. After 23 years of inattention, his disappearing constantly for hours, getting hooked on hobbies that mean he can disappear into his own world and never interacting, with meaningless arguments that go nowhere and achive nothing, I am beaten down. Unfortunately our lives, home, income etc are tied up with a family business and if I left I know the family would write me off. I have produced the grandchildren and there is no more use for me, even though I work in the business and they would have struggle to find anyone as consciencious as me. My husband has no friends but it just doesn't bother him - as long as he can go through his routines, say the same phrases over and over, do the same things over and over, he seems happy!! I keep thinking you only have one life but I have been living a half life. It is only my children that keep me going. I am no longer the person I used to be and I am afraid she is gone forever now.

quote:

This is my husband. He just doesn't "get it" not at all. I feel like I'm the only person sustaining us. He's had six jobs in the last 12 months. When he's off or only working part time I work extra hours. I ask him to help out more at home but he will not. It's a constant fight. It does get worse once you are married. I will admit I have recently lost my cool and went ape poo poo nuts on him. I just can't take it anymore. I really feel like he does nothing for me and doesn't care. I recently was very ill (pneumonia) and he didn't even bother to help me out. He sat watching TV for two days and left for work early when a friend needed a ride. Is it too much to hope that he could ask if I need anything before he leaves?? Is sex seriously something I've come to beg for?? My self worth has plummeted. Everyone says they can't help this well that's bullshit because I think they are intelligent enough to at least TRY. I tried it all. Chore list. Reminders. Fighting. Begging. Being sweet as pie... It seems the only time he is happy is when I'm giving 100% and he has to give 0%. Sad but true. As of this minute in time I threw him out. (Third time this month but only times its ever happened) idk if I want him back. It's really like a life sucking vampire not a husband. He once told me I was his light in a dark place. Well... He took all my light and now I'm in the dark.

quote:

Part 1: Hey, I'm an aspie husband too and work hard to be as good a partner as I can be. Fortunately, I seem to be lower on the spectrum than many of the husbands described here. I click with what you wrote in a lot of ways - I am the breadwinner, I support my wife pursuing her interests, I have immense respect for her, I do lots of nice things for her, try to help around the house, etc. I don't know if low libido is really an aspie thing, my wife gets as much as wants, for as long as she wants, whenever she wants, and however she wants (about 10 to 16 times a week). She gets massages and flowers and treats, breakfast in bed 4 days a week, I make her nice meals when I'm home, etc. (kinda stuck come mother's day!). I'm very very rarely angry and it's usually a single outburst (just shouting). Happens maybe once every few years or so. We've been together over 20 years. She gets mad at me quite often, but she's almost always right and I own up to my mistakes right away. I'm honestly quite selfless and have an intense drive to help others. I'm in health care in a small community and it's not uncommon for me head out at 9pm on a Sunday to help someone.

However, there are things that I just suck at, and I thought I'd share them, and what we do about them, as it might help you and NTs as well.

When my wife needs emotional support I feel overwhelmed by a number of things. I really want to help, but have no idea how and that really bugs me. What she's talking about usually doesn't stir much emotion in me (but I think that goes together with the aspie strength of not being judgemental) so I can't share feelings with her because of that. I get this feeling like something's trying to work in my brain but isn't - it's like when you're trying to remember a word but can't, only 10X the intensity. It's very uncomfortable and disconcerting. I get a little angry and embarrassed because I know I'm terrible at that stuff and wish she didn't come to me with it. Like how a blind person would feel if they were repeatedly asked for their opinion on paint colours for someone's living room. I do have a hard time empathizing when she's having a different emotional response than me, and I feel like some emotion should be coming up but just isn't, and it does make me feel broken or defective and I really struggle with not hating myself for being this way. All of these converge to make a turmoil of negative emotions - discomfort, embarrassment, guilt, helplessness, anger at myself, and inadequacy.

What helps is when my wife comes to me needing support, she starts off by saying "I need you to..." before saying "because...". So that might be needing a hug, a nice dessert, just listening and being fully present but not giving input per se, having a date night, spend an evening with her friends, etc. so that I am clear on what the action is and don't have to guess and feel terrible when I can't, and can avoid feeling angry at being helpless and clueless. I know the answer before I'm presented with the problem.

Part 2: While some things fail to illicit a reaction, other things effect me too strongly, like criticism, or generally seeing conflict, or people doing bad things to other people (I can NOT watch the news). Because of my conflict aversion, my wife feels like she's walking on eggshells all the time and having to reign in her comments. So knowing this, I try to check my emotions rather than asking her to not express herself. Meditation really helps with this, as well as helping with my spaciness. It helps me be present and notice what's going on more without getting emotionally overwhelmed. I think meditation is mandatory for people like me/us. I think aspies are actually overly emotional and emotionally sensitive and don't know how to deal with it. I think aspie/HFA kids need to be taught coping skills early - you've got a brutal combination of an intense desire to please and be accepted and helpful and a need for positive feedback, matched with an inability to interact with people appropriately which leads to ostracism and ridicule and rejection, all in a person who is super sensitive to such negativity. The desire to just numb oneself is very strong ("numb" was one of my favourite U2 songs as a youth). I think a lot of these android aspies have just learned to cope with extreme emotions by shutting down and distracting themselves. (Not that I'm entirely guilt free - my wife lets me play solitare when we need to have a serious conversation, as I can actually be more present and listen better this way.) But I suspect if you created a really trusting, safe place, and taught some coping skills a lot of these "androids" would come to life! Anyway - meditation - works.

Having appropriate expectations is common advice, but advice that makes the NT annoyed because they have to be the one compromising all the time. It's important, but for us it's just a first step. Just because you might not expect an aspie to meet a certain need doesn't mean it's no longer a need. Depending on what that need is, it's important to figure out how that need is going to be met. If it's emotional support, it's really good to have a strong friend network. For us this means my wife going out to social events and dinners without me, going out with friends or having them for tea when I'm at work, as I don't do social situations well, especially with more than two other people. We love spending time together, and I miss her when she's gone, but this is very helpful and important for her. This may require informing people why you're doing this and we do - it's not because we're having a rocky relationship! In fact, when I've had some alone time and she's had some social time we are both recharged and happy when we get together again. I think this is important as a lot of NT partners will feel drained and imprisoned if their antisocial partner keeps them from fulfilling their social needs.

In public, my wife calls me "dear" if I'm doing something aspie - like spacing out, or missing a formality or something. She never calls me "dear" otherwise, but people don't know that. If she does have a little edge to her voice when she says it, that's a pretty common thing for wives to do with their husbands anyway, so people might smirk a little but otherwise not think anything of it. But she doesn't need to put any edge to it because the word itself is only used for that, so she can say it quite calmly and lovingly and I get the message just fine.

Part last: One of my ultimate goals is to learn to be "me" more. From a young age I've been told off for everything I was doing. To be accepted, and even just as a survival strategy, I started learning how to act in ways that weren't natural to me. I have a picture of what looks like one of those inspirational posters that says "BE YOURSELF! No... not like that though." Which sums up my life pretty well. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 8 years old (not good at tying knots, I remember thinking "Oh great, you can't even do that right!"). But that means I've spent my life being this person I've created to be accepted by others. I have a desire for my wife to learn more about Aspergers so that she can sometimes, on occasion, when it's safe and convenient, to let me try being "me" more. That would involve trying a certain way of acting and seeing if it felt authentic or not, if it made me feel good or not, like you would do in preschool. I feel like the real "me" is 4 years old still. I don't know if I'll be able to explore my true self in this way, but maybe with time and understanding and support it might happen.

I think that covers most of our coping mechanisms. Obviously it won't solve every problem for every couple and some aspies are much more affected than I am so these won't work for them/you. Just trying to give some concrete, real life examples that work for us. I hope some of them help!

Pick posted:

Some guys are just a little rough around the edges (like they had a crappy dad or didn't get out much or whatever) and some love and care will make a world of difference. Because men are socialized not to be open about their feelings, it can take a really long time to tell the difference between "just needs a genuine chance" and something more fixed. I think even some guys diagnosed with Aspergers don't really have it (but think they do), and some guys don't have the diagnosis who would benefit from knowing it. You only learn about people from experience. Life is complicated and everyone's a little crazy .

Pick posted:

I don't miss sex with him because he only knows what he has read from magazines and was inappropriate and unloving.

Rockin Orthodontist posted:

Plus some of them look like real catches. Decent looking, good job, spends lots of time at home. Isn't abusive, cheating, or an addict.

Oh boo hoo, he's not affectionate enough.

Pick posted:

Farg posted:

not doing something wrong doesn't mean you also aren't doing anything right

quote:

Last night my husband Danny told me he was pansexual and he'd met a guy called Jeff online who he was attracted to, he told me I could have another lover if I wanted but I said no, I'm monogamous and always will be. We have a 2 year old son.
I met Danny aged 18 and we've been together ever since.

Danny told me he was pansexual, only just realized it, and that he's in love with Jeff, and that he's met Jeff three times, as a friend, and now Jeff's in love with him and wants to move in.

I told him no, he told me that Jeff's a good guy, and that he needs to move in soon. He insists we should do it on a 90 day trial basis, said it'd work.

Also, Danny's been making posts asking for randomactsofpizza; we've had a lot of pizza delivered to our house lately here in a city in West Virginia.

It's a lot for me to take in. I love my husband, he's a great guy, but don't know how to cope with the pansexual thing. Is he polysexual or polyamorous, IDK??

Danny kept reassuring me, said it's not licence to cheat, he wanted to be himself but felt repressed.

Also I've just found out he bought me a Cadillac ATS sedan without consulting me, we've got it being delivered soon.

There's a lot of issues here and I don't know whether to go to a counselor. I need some advice before I start to worry about what happens next.

in response to why Danny is moving so fast with the Jeff move in situation posted:

Beats me. But I've also seen my husband masturbating to the new Justin Timberlake video a lot whilst he watches YouTube, keeps claiming "Cristy in the video is loving hot, god, I'd wear that skirt if I could."

quote:

'bro and buddy' are the only words of affection my boyfriend [26M] of 2 years uses on me [24F]. is this weird ?

We both havent been in a relationship before this, so my knowledge is lacking a little. I just wanted to see if its normal for people to not use pet names or words of affection towards each other.

I mean he tells me that he loves me but he only ever addresses me with my name, "bro", "buddy" or "mate". So a typical sentence from him would be "bro I love you so much" or "buddy you look nice..."

Hes never called me anything sweet. I mean I sort of followed his lead and generally call him by name but ive been trying to use other words such as honey, sweetheart.

Should I be concerned about this, is this normal ?

tl;dr: boyfriend doesn't call me anything sweet instead calls me buddy, bro and mate. is this odd ?

quote:

Me 25F with man I'm dating 27M for a couple weeks, he keeps using cutesy language that makes my vagina cringe

I've been on a few dates with a man who seems like the kind of person I'd like to be with (or at least give a shot). However, increasingly frequently he keeps using cutesy language in messages that makes me physically cringe and is dries up every sexual thought I've ever had and ever will have. I know that some people like this kind of thing, but I absolutely hate it. Some examples are using terms like "would you like a kissy wissy?" "I'm a hungry hippo today" "I message willy nilly" "that was a jokey". I found these direct quotes by reading texts from the last 2 hours. He doesn't even use them in flirty conversations, just your normal catching up texts.

To me it just makes me think he's a pathetic toddler, when I like grown rear end men. Just talk to him right? I said to him I hate it when you say that and he thought I was joking. I said it again "When you talk like that it makes my vagina want to die", similar response. I tried not responding to those types of messages and it made no difference.

I don't know what to do, am I being crazy for it bothering me so much? To me it is the sexual equivalent of a man dressing in my nan's clothes with a turd in his underwear. I've been really struggling to meet normal, poo poo together men so I feel I'm being too picky writing him off, but I absolutely cannot stand it. How do I proceed?

tl;dr: Man I'm dating for some lunatic reason keeps talking like a toddler and it makes my womb sad. What should I do?

DOMDOM posted:

My husband [24M] came out as pansexual and told me [25F] he was in love with another person as well as me and wants to move him in with us in two weeks. I'm a mom to [2/M].

rage against the Maureen posted:

'my husband is in love with another man and wants him to move in with us. Also, he orders a lot pizza, what's um with that? '

Gluten Freeman posted:

These two pair very well together:
Me 25F with man I'm dating 27M for a couple weeks, he keeps using cutesy language that makes my vagina cringe

Dial-a-Dog posted:

Hahaha I cannot imagine using that kind of cutesy language. Kissy wissy? It must feel like texting a weird aunt, or perhaps a particularly gross uncle

Zahgaegun posted:

Also the husband bought her a surprise Cadillac. If that's a 2016 then he just spent $35k to $50k unannounced.

In no way is he trying to buy her acceptance here.

brotato posted:

Pick why did you post all these sad stories about abused women. I am p sure this thread is for funny stories. Why are you punishing us.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

please don't doxx me, danny and I are in love

Pick posted:

You think this is bad, try dating them!

Gaunab posted:

3) Don't talk about how cool your relationships or sex life is; no one cares.

DOMDOM posted:

OK a little palette cleanser to get the aspie taste of sadness out

My husband [24M] came out as pansexual and told me [25F] he was in love with another person as well as me and wants to move him in with us in two weeks. I'm a mom to [2/M].


"honey i met a guy online and he's moving in so we can bang, but don't worry, he's starting with a 90 day trial."

Though reading the OPs comments I'm starting to think this is a clever troll...

subway masturbator posted:

The cutesy language is the worse of the two, but when she says her womb/vagina is sad/cringing it's also really bad.

loquacius posted:

Cutesy language guy is probably insufferable but the reddit post was also insanely melodramatic about it

"when my boyfriend says 'kissy wissy' I can no longer see him as a man; it's basically like if he dressed up as my grandma and then poo poo himself"

quote:

I'm 24, very religious catholic, never had sex or a girlfriend before, a virgin, and I believe in sex after marriage only.

I met my girlfriend through Church and mutual friends. We've been together 1 year. At the start I told her openly what I want in a relationship and my beliefs, she told me she agreed with me and shared my beliefs. She told me she'd never had sex before either.

A day ago, I told her how happy I was that I met someone who shared my beliefs and I'm glad we'd be sharing that spiritual bonding experience of sharing our love together physically for the first time.
She told me she had a confession to make. She admitted she had had sex before in a prior relationship, and that she had lied because she thought I would reject her otherwise, and she knew it was important to me so she said it to make me happy.

I told her it's okay, I know most people nowadays aren't virgins and its very abnormal for a woman to be a virgin at 24, probably only 1% of women are. I told her as long as she shared my views now and had repented for having fornication and was okay with waiting now until after marriage. I told her I was really hurt that she had lied to me just to placate my feelings, and I'd rather she be honest with me. I said I don't know what else she had lied about and it affected my trust, I need some time to think about it.

She got upset with me, and said "why do you even care about waiting till marriage or virginity, don't you want to test drive a car before you buy it".

I said those are my personal and religious views according to my religion and I thought we shared them, plus I'm not anti-sex I just think it should be something you only share with your love after you confirm your union in marriage, and I'm hurt that she'd shared something that is so special with someone who isn't me, I liked the thought of me having only had sex with her and her only with me.
She then got angry and said "you're just insecure cause you know how much you'll suck in bed so you don't want me to be able to tell you are poo poo in bed" and "I bet you just have a small penis and you're self conscious and don't want me to compare it to others or know that it's small".

At that point I got really really angry and flipped out. I pushed a chair over and told her to f*** off and go f*** herself and some other nasty swear words.
She got scared and cried and left, I was left in my anger and misery. I got a bunch of missed calls and apologies from her that night up to 1am, I didn't know what to do I didn't call back.
I'm still so upset and angry by how she treated me and insulted me, how first she lied to me to "spare" my feelings, then dismissed them when I tried to explain them, and then tried to insult my manhood and masculinity and turn me into the bad guy.

I know I can probably forgive her with time once I've cooled down, but I seriously doubt this relationship
If I had to sum it up in one statement, I'd say I feel she has no respect for me
What should I do?

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Years ago, I sent my girlfriend at the time a "texty text" as a How I Met Your Mother reference, and she responded with a similar vagina clamming up comment. It did kill any desire I had to be cutesy, that's for sure.

Bonzo posted:

Religion, Irrational anger, treating people like possessions, this one has it all.


I (24m) found out my gf (24f) of one year had lied to me about being a virgin. We're both Catholic. She insulted me badly and I got angry. What should I do next?