- Gaunab
- Feb 13, 2012
-
LUFTHANSA YOU FUCKING DICKWEASEL
|
quote:
My(26F) fiancé (27M) lied about his past crush to keep her as a close friend, should I give him a second chance
Sorry about the throwaway, I'd be very grateful for anyone who could give me an honest opinion from their perspective because I'm afraid my emotions are clouding my judgement.
My fiancé Ben and I have been together 2 years, happiest time of our lives, recently engaged. The only thing that's ever caused disagreement in our relationship is a girl called Pia. She had been a colleague of my Ben's and remains to be a friend of his. I gradually same to suspect that Ben has a crush on Pia, because he is always to one to initiate their catch-up conversations and he wants so much for Pia to come to our close friends gatherings, even though Pia doesn't seem to be particularly interested every time she's here, I don't even think she thinks of Ben as a close friend and they have less to talk about every time to the point that it becomes awkward to the group to have her there.
I have pointed out to Ben about his single sided effort to keep Pia in his life and confronted him whether he has/had a crush on her. Ben denies every time and says she's just a friend and he enjoys her company, and that he wouldn't mind doing more efforts in keeping in touch with friends.
I let the topic drop until we got engaged one month ago. Every single prospect of spending the rest of my life with Ben makes me happy, although this one doubt about Pia came back stronger than ever. I asked Ben again, telling him he is entitled to his past romances but I just don't feel comfortable with her and I need a logical explanation, because Pia and Ben have little in common yet Ben treasures her so much. And this is hurting me. Fiancé again says he only has eyes for me, Pia is just a friend, no need to get hurt over her, and went on to invite her to our next gathering.
I snooped at this point and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. Ben wrote to several of his friends that he has a huge crush on Pia and she is the ultimate dream girl, although he never talked about her again after we started dating. Even though I'm sure he has never physically cheated, the fact that he knows this girl is bothering me yet still lies again and again to keep her in his life is just heart breaking.
After careful consideration, I came clean to him about the snooping last night and told him I'm leaving, because I just can't trust him anymore and I think so little of myself because of what he did to me. He immediately cried and admitted everything, insisted she doesn't mean anything to him now and he told a white lie to avoid upsetting both me and Pia. He thought he was protecting my feelings and now he knows it's a stupid mistake. I pointed out he already knows that I'm hurt over this, so the white lie is just to protect Pia and to keep her in his life. At least that's how I feel about this. He could have easily faded her out of his life yet he chose not to.
I asked for a day's leave at work and packed my bags today. Ben has been texting none stop begging me to give him another chance, promising that Pia is out of his life for good now and that he will spent the rest of his life trying to make me trust him again. I still love him because he is my best friend, but I am ready to let go because I think the lie only stopped because I found out and he realised he is going to lose me. However I do want to hear from other people's perspective:
Am I being immature and over dramatic? Can couple get over this and build an even stronger relationship?
tl;dr: Fiancé lied about his past crush to keep her in our close friend circle, despite my discomfort about this girl. I found out, calmly told him and informed him I'm leaving. He now wants to cut her off to keep me. Is his behaviour worthy of my understanding and trust?
7 months later
quote:
[UPDATE]My(26F) fiancé (27M) lied about his past crush to keep her as a close friend, should I give him a second chance
So, back to 7 months ago, after avoiding his calls and texts for three days and reading all your analysis many many times, I decided to talk to him. One of the comments really stood out to me is that the incident - and I quote - "reveals a lot about this man's problems with emotional intimacy too, which is so unattractive" and I was going to focus on this point that truly bothers me, rather than debating on whether or not he was telling a white lie.
Ben looked like the saddest and most frightened little animal when he came up to my hotel and begged me to let him speak first. Basically, he said that he had a crush on Pia when he was lonely and going no where in life and romanticised the idea of her by proclamimng Pia to be the dream girl to his friends, because he desperately wants to have something worth mentioning in his letters. He has since got a really good job in his field, met me who he not only has the biggest crush on, but also want to spend the rest of his life with. He kept inviting Pia because she has been part of the gang for a few years now and he genuinely thought she is good friends with everyone so it would be rude to un-invite her. As to why lie again and again about the crush, he thinks he was really lying to himself because it reminds him of that desperate and unconfident version of himself who he no longer is. Then he apologised again about the confusion and pain he brought me in the past year and begged me to stay.
I didn't think he'd came to that conclusion himself and thought it's both humiliating and kind of brave to do it. I do love this man, especially knowing that he has had some tough years, I have always been proud of who he is right now. So I decided to stay, and observe, while working on my own self esteem and jealousy issues.
We called of the wedding saying that we both have very demanding careers in the coming year (true) but stayed engaged. Ben made an effort in showing me how much he loves me, leaving me notes and little gifts almost every week. He also stopped initiating contact with Pia and has so far received one Facebook msg from Pia wishing him a happy birthday. He mentioned it to me when he saw the msg last month, and started to blame himself again for trying to make Pia more special than she is and hurting me, but I stopped him right there. I must admit that I've been on edge and constantly angry for the first few months after the incident, but no more. None of us is flawless and I'm glad that we get to grow together as a couple.
Last night's event was what prompt me to post this update. Ben loves to write and he has read me the short stories he wrote 3 or 4 years ago about another major crush/almost girlfriend of his, whom he met while volunteering abroad in his early twenties. He has very found memories of the volunteering experience and spoke highly of her. This particular girl contacted him yesterday arranging a meet up in our city. I didn't tense up like I used to and didn't feel insecure or jealous. Ben went on to say that he has politely declined and wish to spend the weekend with me, and want to take me to a nearby Christmasy town, as we've both been very busy recently and haven't been on as many dates.
So that's it I guess. No more lies and doubts, just communication and understanding. I want to write down this update to let people know that it's possible to rebuild trust, just be honest with yourself and with each other. It's ok to be vulnerable in front of each other and if you can help each other through it, you will grow stronger together as a couple.
tl;dr: We stayed together, had some brutally honest conversations, helped each other through.
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:09
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
May 9, 2024 16:21
|
|
- WampaLord
- Jan 14, 2010
-
|
Honest communication is helpful? Well I never
Literally all of r/relationships problems can be solved with one (possibly more) of these things:
Break up
Communicate better
Get therapy
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:20
|
|
- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
-
-
Nap Ghost
|
where does "it's not her job to fix you, and she couldn't even if she wanted to, because she is not what you think she is" fit? under get therapy?
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:21
|
|
- 54 40 or fuck
- Jan 4, 2012
-
No Yanda's allowed
|
What a ghoul. He should instead be offering to go with her for comfort, and to extend his condolences to her ex. Can you imagine how much better he would look?
He's be a drat saint in the eyes of everyone around them.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:27
|
|
- Sammus
- Nov 30, 2005
-
|
It won't work with mixed sex children. 3 kids in a room is pushing it.
It works for like 90% of the world, unless your last name is Dugger.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:29
|
|
- WampaLord
- Jan 14, 2010
-
|
where does "it's not her job to fix you, and she couldn't even if she wanted to, because she is not what you think she is" fit? under get therapy?
Probably under both break up and get therapy.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:30
|
|
- 54 40 or fuck
- Jan 4, 2012
-
No Yanda's allowed
|
Tbh it's kind of weird to be so attached to this kid that isn't even yours but yeah this is the correct option
Eh not really, if you're a person who likes kids and spent four years bonding with a toddler you'd be pretty devastated I imagine. Particularly since she says the breakup was on good terms.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:34
|
|
- Gaunab
- Feb 13, 2012
-
LUFTHANSA YOU FUCKING DICKWEASEL
|
Tbh it's kind of weird to be so attached to this kid that isn't even yours
Not really. Especially if you spent four years raising them.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:38
|
|
- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
-
|
Even if you're just trying to play nice to hide your seething paranoid insecurity that your girlfriend and her ex are going to start making out over his dead son's casket, offering to go with her "for support" is still the correct move
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:45
|
|
- Pvt.Scott
- Feb 16, 2007
-
What God wants, God gets, God help us all
|
Literally all of r/relationships problems can be solved with one (possibly more) of these things:
Break up
Communicate better
Get therapy
You forgot meds and lift weights. Also, communication, while vital, isn't E/N mantra canon. Sever, therapy, meds, lift weights.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:46
|
|
- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
-
-
Nap Ghost
|
watch out man, now that they've put down the son they can move overseas together
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:47
|
|
- Dirtbag Diva
- May 27, 2005
-
|
Tbh it's kind of weird to be so attached to this kid that isn't even yours but yeah this is the correct option
Not to add to the pile-on but I actually had a big fallout with my mother and sister recently over their lack of compassion for a boy that my husband and I watched over for a few years who was murdered two Christmases ago and his case is still unsolved. They both kind of went "but he wasn't even yours!" about it and that I should just get over it since it's been two years and not to pull my own /r/ it kind of gave me a good idea of their character and decided that my husband and I are spending Christmas with his parents from now on.
tbh I don't know how she didn't dump him immediately for that kind of selfish behavior, especially when he's in his late twenties and presumably has been around children that aren't his at some point.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:56
|
|
- Dirtbag Diva
- May 27, 2005
-
|
That boyfriend is a wretch, but I confess I got distracted by the bit at the beginning about "his kid was born before we met; we've been friends since high school." Is this Teen Pregnancy Day on r/relationships?
Guessing, based on the timeline and ages, she meant "before we dated" since it was kind of lumped in with the backstory.
edit:
You can't even gently caress on top of the casket because it's too small.
poo poo, maybe the boyfriend is just behind the times and only at season three of GoT.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:06
|
|
- Chichevache
- Feb 17, 2010
-
One of the funniest posters in GIP.
Just not intentionally.
|
Ah yes nothing rekindles a relationship like their kid's funeral. Jesus Christ
Emotional distress is a huge trigger for cheating, yeah. It is still ghoulish for him to approach it that way though.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:09
|
|
- Who Is Paul Blart
- Oct 22, 2010
-
|
Hot take- nobody needs more than three bedrooms.
This is without a doubt the dumbest thing ever posted on these gay forums.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:24
|
|
- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
-
|
My [29/F] fiance's [32/M] ex-girlfriend [35?/F] texted him "Are you sure you want to get married?"
quote:
OK, so I'm going to throw out all the relevant details so buckle up.
Background: My fiance and his ex were together for 4 years. During their whole relationship she had some mental health problems that prevented her from working, living independently, or driving. They were long-distance until one day she showed up at the apartment he shared with a college buddy and moved herself in. Since she couldn't work, he now had to support her in addition to himself; also, being home alone working all day, she started complaining a lot of being bored and lonely. In addition, since she couldn't drive she was calling up his friends and asking them for rides any time she wanted to go somewhere. After a year of this, he got tired of her being what he calls a "moocher" and asked her to go move back in with her parents. At that point she started saying that they should get married, but they ended up breaking up shortly after that. A few months later she started seeing another guy, and she married him two years later.
Meanwhile, he met and started dating me a year after they broke up. We've been together for 4 1/2 years.
Fast forward to this year: we got engaged in February. A few months later she texted him "OMG are you engaged? Congrats! Your fiancee is gorgeous." A few days later she sent me a friend request on Facebook. A few days after that, it seems, she was hospitalized for a psychiatric emergency.
Fast forward to yesterday, when I found out that a few weeks ago they had the following text conversation:
Her: Hey can you call me when you get out of work? Him: Sure. [a few hours go by] Her: Are you still at work? Him: Yeah I get out a little late Her: Oh that sucks [a few minutes go by] Her: Are you sure you want to get married? Him: Yes I'm sure. Did you still want me to call you? Her: No
What the hell? She was her own husband, so I'm more than a little bothered that she's barging into my relationship. I understand that she seems to be still mentally unwell, and that this is a manifestation of that (and I sympathize, because I have my own mental health struggles and I don't always act right) but this is not OK.
I don't know if I should do anything, and if so what: should I message her and tell her to stop? Tell my fiance to tell her to stop? Ignore everything? I have a fantasy of calling up her husband and saying something like, "Tell your wife to leave my fiance alone."
tl;dr: Fiance's ex-girlfriend asked him "Are you sure you want to get married?", what should I do?
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:31
|
|
- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
-
|
My [15F] mom [43F] asked me to tell my brother [29M] that he has to pay her if he wants to see me.
quote:
He is my brother from my father's side. Our father passed away 9 months ago. My mom always hated my brother. Ever since my father died she has kept threatening me that she won't let me see my brother again. I talked to a legal aid once to see if she can do that and it seems like she can because where we live siblings do not have visitation rights here.
Today my mom told me to inform my brother that he needs to pay her $1500 a month if he wants to be allowed to see me. I find this very sad and insulting to both me and him. She said she is serious and she will block his access to me if he doesn't agree to pay. She said I have two weeks to convince him to pay otherwise I won't see him again until I'm 18.
I don't know what to do. Do I tell my brother? Do I continue to try to convince my mom that she shouldn't do this? How do I do that?
tl;dr: Mom gave me two weeks to convince my brother to give her $1500 a month or she won't let us see each other again.
"I'm sorry, but your sister is only available to the subscribers of our premium plan"
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:33
|
|
- corn on the cop
- Oct 12, 2012
-
Break what must be broken, once for all, that's all, and take the suffering on oneself.
― Corey Dostoyevsky
|
quote:Her: Are you sure you want to get married? Him: Yes I'm sure. Did you still want me to call you? Her: No
okay
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:39
|
|
- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
-
|
yeah there is basically no chance that this lady is a threat in any way but I don't blame OP for being anxious about it
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 20:44
|
|
- Gaunab
- Feb 13, 2012
-
LUFTHANSA YOU FUCKING DICKWEASEL
|
quote:
Me [23 M] with my SO [22 F] of 2 years, She stayed at her crushes' house but claims nothing happened
So this story is in 3 parts but I will keep it brief. She started acting weird a few weeks ago and I knew something was up so I looked at her phone and saw she was messaging this guy she knows from uni at strange hours, there were deleted messages and she was telling her gay friend she liked him and saying some really mean things about me. I messaged him straight up and asked whats going on and he doesn't like her (I don't know him but I think that's the truth). So I told her I'm leaving, she said she will delete him everywhere and gave me a list of things I need to work on and I we will be happy.
The next few weeks are great, I lost some weight, we were looking up. I went away for the weekend on business and to see my family and while I was away she stayed at his house. Her official story is she was at her friends house and the landlord kicked her out so she called him and stayed at his house since it was really late (she could have caught a fkn cab I support her financially). Then in the morning told him that she wants me and not him, this is their official goodbye (her words). I didn't find this out until I could see she was hiding something and I forced it out of her. I then took her phone and messaged him and told him "my boyfriend found out what we did" and he said "hes crazy, we didn't do anything".
With that text response I'm 90% sure she didn't cheat on me, but should I stick around for this? If I didn't figure it out she would never have told me she stayed there, she lied about initially deleting his number as well saying that she had to leave him on her own terms not mine. I am ready to pack it all up and leave but I want someone impartial to please tell me if I am throwing away an otherwise amazing relationship or if I am justified to be this hurt.
tl;dr: Girlfriend stayed over at her crush, lied again about him but is begging me to stay and trust her.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 21:40
|
|
- Jeffrey of YOSPOS
- Dec 22, 2005
-
|
My wife (41F) is obsessed with her friends as if she were a 13 year old. Me (45M).
quote:
Been with my wife for almost 14 years, I love her, I want to be with her, but her obsession with her friends and their parties, drinking, social events and texting has taken an immense toll on our marriage and I'm finding myself absolutely frustrated all the time.
She as three circles of friends: the high school group they call the "sistas", the college group, the work group(s). And within all that, there is a smaller, even tighter group of three of them they call "inamorata". I'm serious.
When we met, I enjoyed her circle of friends because they partied and drank every weekend, as did I. They made plans every weekend and usually went out drinking two nights a week, sometimes three or four. Eventually, it wore me down. It seemed no fun could be had without getting drunk and I began to resent it, but I truly believed she’d grow out of it, or at least when they reached age 40 they would slow down.
Even at our wedding, I begged her not to get wasted. But after the wedding, she spent more time with the sisters drinking in their hotel room than in the nice suite with her new husband. Just as I wanted to make love to my wife, she passed out drunk in my face breathing foulness. I know that the wedding night is all about the bride, but drat, I was hurt and have never really recovered fully.
Eventually, I quit drinking in 2008. This really alienated me from the group(s). My wife’s best friend, Shauna, visibly recoiled from me as if I were now a threat. It got really bad when one night at a party our dog came up injured the next day, she couldn’t sit right, something was wrong with her hip or her leg. My wife said “Oh, somebody said Shauna was wrestling with her”. Shauna is over 200 lbs. She gets totally wasted at parties, sometimes getting violent (she’s punched two holes in our wall), and I could just see her getting really drunk and being a douchbag, falling on the dog causing the injury. Our dog was never able to sit right again. She always had to curl her hips under her very gently just to sit down.
I was livid about the dog’s injury. When I confronted my wife about it and told her that Shauna had to take responsibility, she defended Shauna with vitriol. “You don’t know that’s what happened!” Well, poo poo, how does a dog injure themselves? Our dog was robust, only about six or seven, strong as hell. She wasn’t going to get hurt from just running around the yard.
Nothing changed, and to my horror, my wife barreled straight through age 40 drinking and partying every weekend . She put on weight. She’s sick a lot. Yet, she continues to drink and run with her friends every chance she gets. To a point, I know that friends can be very healthy, but in this case I think it’s abnormal and detrimental, to both her and our marriage.
Miraculously, she got pregnant a couple years ago, but soon after the conception, before she knew, she was out with friends getting shitfaced. There was a miscarriage. Of course, we can’t know the drinking was the cause. But, it didn’t help. Two weeks after the miscarriage, she was drinking again.
Texting: in the midst of all the parties is the endless texting. The inner group of friends they call “Inamorata” has several ongoing text threads they are active all day, every day. I can’t sit through a meal at the kitchen table without constant incoming texts. My wife is perpetually distracted and becoming more forgetful. I think everything that happens in our house is broadcast straight to her friends. I’ve seen a few of their texts, everything that happens in our house is texted straight to her friends. It’s absolutely unsettling and makes me wish iPhones were never invented.
The amount of money my wife drops on going out with friends has left us, after more than ten years of living together, with zero in our savings, yet at the same time she can prance around every weekend and twice a week spending our money on doing things with her friends. Several times over the years she has run our finances into the dirt, getting late fees in hundreds of dollars a year, maxed out her credit card and we’re blowing money on the interest, and on and on. Yet, I can’t reel her in.
Well, I stuck by my wife, I’ve lived with this weird, bizarre obsession with her friends. I have tried to make plans for us, but my wife is so busy jamming us up with plans with her friends, that I rarely get to have my wife to myself. I’ve requested one friend free weekend a month, but it’s impossible, they always have a birthday, lunch date, shopping, camping, hockey game, concert…. there is always something on the books, so I gave up making plans. Besides, we're busy. At this point in life, in your 40s, you're working all the time, trying to save a little something. The partying times of our 20s and 30s are over. Not that we can't have fun, but you gotta move on.
I understand the need for friends, but I've never seen an adult act like this. I just need some kind of advice on how to deal with this, I’m tired of being angry. My emotional skill set is limited and I don’t feel like I can think straight enough to come up with a logical way to deal with this because I just get angry and frustrated. Am I the one being selfish?? Any insight would be very helpful to me and thank you for reading.
tl;dr: My wife's almost bizarre obsession with her friends has stressed our marriage a lot, I'm at my wits end and need advice.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 21:40
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
May 9, 2024 16:21
|
|
- Gaunab
- Feb 13, 2012
-
LUFTHANSA YOU FUCKING DICKWEASEL
|
quote:
My girlfriend [23F] of six months cheated on me [23 M] at the very start of our relationship, then lied about it until now.
Hey guys, Just looking for some advice or something here. My girlfriend and I have been together for six months now, which isn't a shockingly long time, I know. We met this summer and spent a while just hanging out before we decided to make things "facebook official" or whatever.
I knew she had hooked up with this other guy (22M) during the very first week we knew each other, but she told me that that ended after she decided she wanted to be with me. But, last night, after a little probing, she came clean that she had hooked up with him again after she said she hadn't. She told me five different dates before admitting that it was the night we decided we were going to be an exclusive couple that she got drunk and hooked up with this guy.
She told me it shouldn't be a big deal, cause she's "mine" and there was never anything emotional with that guy.
I just don't know where to begin with it, though. I mean, there's the obvious: having sex with someone else, but since it was the very start of our relationship, I think I can probably get past that part. I think the bigger issue is that I feel like our whole relationship is built on deceit. Not to mention the fact the innumerable lies she's told about this.
I mean, I think I still love her, but I don't know where I'm going to find the trust in our relationship ever again.
tl;dr: Girlfriend slept with another guy after we became a couple, then lied about it repeatedly. Not sure I have a question, just looking for some advice.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 21:42
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2016 19:09
. All other options are distractions.
Tater Love 
