54 40 or gently caress posted:

This sounds just like a friends really lovely, toxic friend to the point where I was actually wondering if it was her. And yes she is absolutely a weird, judgemental, narcissist!

quote:

I [21M] worry I'm a narcissist or lacking empathy, a year after splitting with my ex-best friend [20F] of two years.Personal issues
submitted 5 hours ago * by bonerman85
I've been distant from my parents ever since I was young. I'd give myself low ratings in self-assessments because I didn't want to become an arrogant person. I was a strong, if lazy student all the way through high school. That might have been all I was then.
Freshman year of college, I met her. I worry if she sees this she'll know, but we became close very quickly talking about our struggles with our parents, among other things.
I was still new to being away from home, and I was trying lots of things to become a better person. I wound up feeling like poo poo the way I was, and I became depressed.
She was emotional support unlike any other. It blew my mind, and sometimes still does. I wanted to be more like her, for some time I idealized her. I tried extremely hard to take good care of her. We talked nearly constantly. She had very strong anxiety, and eventually depression. We might have been codependent.
I had some early instances of feeling jealous and left out when she seemed to like others more than me. At some point I decided to try separating myself from her, but instead I wound up messaging her time to time, roughly monthly. During this time she made another close friend, and later began to make others too.
I felt like I couldn't live up to them. I was so in my head that any thought I had was immediately slammed down by another, and I really struggled to make sense of my feelings. I tried to express this to her, and one other friend, in long rants. It may have been all I could manage at the time. It seemed like neither her nor my other friend made any sense of them. I hoped they'd at least talk to me, or ask me questions about the things they didn't understand, but they were speechless. It felt all the more isolating.
She would talk to me about the things she was doing with her new close friends. If I felt secure with her, I think I might have found this very endearing. Instead it only provoked my jealousy. I was hypersensitive to any seeming lapse in her interest. For a long while I'd also been feeling angry and bitter at the world for having forsaken me, though I think she was mostly exempt from that. All this combined into spurts of anger directed at her. I'd guess these averaged once a month, for a span of roughly four or five months.
Eventually she'd had enough, and decided to end our friendship. She didn't fail to stay away like I did either. She told me she wasn't angry, but that our relationship wasn't healthy and that she couldn't go on like this.
When I hurt her feelings, I feel bad. It's been a year, and I feel bad now too. She meant a lot to me. A whole lot. I doubt myself a lot now. I worry that my feelings of guilt and remorse are contrived, just to get her back, and that now I believe my own lies. I worry I'm not empathetic enough to be good friends with a person as naturally caring as her. Talking to her used to feel so good. She used to enjoy talking to me too, and I don't know if that means I ever got it right. I don't know if I actually feel what other people feel.
I talked to her nine months after she left, and she felt angry and hurt about things I'd said. Some of the things I said, in her words (because I haven't found my own quotes) and "out of context," although I feel like that doesn't matter.
You only make friends with people so they'll take care of you.
You should just go be friends with ____, I don't care if I'm in your life.
You don't care about me, you only care about what I give to you.
Right now I know I'm hurting you, but I don't care.
tl;dr: I often voluntarily think about people's feelings, but I don't often involuntarily feel them, and I want to, so that I'm not a poo poo person when I'm not thinking. Halp?

Stuntman posted:

why has gbs's shift to the right included defending pedophilia?

Farg posted:

If you have porn with "15 year old girl" in the title you aren't thinking "boy oh boy I can't wait to see some 20 something actresses" you're thinking "I want to see a 15 year old have sex"

monkeytennis posted:

Please stop posting.

Pick posted:

It's a guy though

e: repost so there's new content on this page and hopefully to stop the stupid rear end derail:

fruit on the bottom posted:

What if he watches enough porn that he knows that 15 on PornHub means 18-19?

I mean, these are still women young enough to be his daughter, so it's not like we'd be out of creepy territory.

Pick posted:

If only this checked a number of hugely indicative boxes...

quote:

Found an old video on my (32M) GF's (30F) iPad of her having sex with an ex

The title says it all, but I'll include some relevant details. Girlfriend (30F) and I (32M) have been exclusively dating for six months. I didn't find this video by snooping. She has always been open about letting me use her iPad. She voluntarily gave me the password and is totally fine with me logging in and using it. She doesn't supervise me while I'm on it to watch what I'm doing or what I'm looking at.

So today I opened her photos to find a photo of the two of us to have printed as a gift for her. Out of respect for her privacy I've never dug through her photos, and I didn't go hunting this time. I clicked on the "favorites" album, knowing that she had favorited the photo I was looking for. Right front and center of the favorites album was an old (as in from before she and I were dating) video of her having sex with one of her exes. Without thinking, I clicked on the video and watched about ten seconds of it. There were also naked photos of both him and her. I didn't look at the photos beyond seeing the thumbnails and recognizing what they were.

I'm primarily feeling two emotions right now. 1) Guilt over having snooped into her photos (even though that was never my intent). 2) Anger over finding this video and photos. Why was it in her favorites? Why were those other photos there? Why does she still have a video of her having sex with her ex? Why does she have naked photos of her ex?

So I'm looking to all of you for some help in getting my head around this. Am I unreasonable in being upset that she's kept photos and videos of her having sex with an ex? Is it normal to have done so? And have them as favorites? What should I do? Pretend I didn't see it? Admit that I saw them and let it go? Admit that I saw them and demand an explanation why she's kept them?

TL;DR Accidentally found a video of my GF having sex with an ex. What should I do?

Stuntman posted:

turn your monitor on

Pvt.Scott posted:

Wow. "Hey babe, we really should discuss this important stuff that's affecting our relationship in a huge way. I just want us to commu..."

"Lalalala, I can't hear you!"

How do you not punch someone directly in the face for that?

Pvt.Scott posted:

Wow. "Hey babe, we really should discuss this important stuff that's affecting our relationship in a huge way. I just want us to commu..."

"Lalalala, I can't hear you!"

How do you not punch someone directly in the face for that?

Gaunab posted:

Professor Shark posted:

I'm hitting the EJECT button on this thread

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I wasn't snooping, it was front and centre*!

*in the folder marked 'personal', the sub-folder with an obscure name, password and fingerprint protected

quote:

I [26 F] don't know how to communicate with my BF [30 M] of 5 years, seems like we are drifting apart and stagnantRelationships
submitted 7 hours ago by brobdingthrowaway
Background: when we met we were at similar places in our lives, we met at the same deadend job, we were both in college (neither very good students) and I liked that I could tell him anything, even my worst thoughts and he would listen.

However, about 6 months into dating, he couldn't afford to pay his rent so I offered to let him live with me. Shortly after this, he was "inspired" to quit his lovely job to pursue his passion, which I supported at the time as I was doing similar. But that turned out to mean him not having any steady work for the next four years and not trying to pursue his career very hard either. Mainly he just sits at home playing videogames. Meanwhile I buckled down and started working much harder at school, and got into a PhD program. We moved across the country for my program earlier this year, with the understanding that he would work to support us while I went to school (that seemed fair, since I've been paying all the bills for 4 years while also going to school). But since we've been here, he keeps taking random odd jobs that don't cover our bills and then quitting after a month or two. I finally told him he has to get a real job and he grudgingly got an office job that starts in January, but he complains about it already as he says regular work "hurts his soul."

I'm really sad that things are going this way, because on a day to day basis, we still have a lot of fun. He really loves me and acts like I'm everything to him, though that also has its downsides because he is very dependent on me. He doesn't have any friends (he stopped hanging out with his friends long before we moved here) and with nothing to do all day he just waits for me to be his sole source of interaction and entertainment. But I've gotten really busy with school and honestly the people I've met here are really interesting and intellectually stimulating and I enjoy spending time away from home hanging out with them. But I also feel guilty every time I do because I know he's waiting at home for me.

We do often hang out with my friends from school on the weekends but my BF has never been very sociable and wants me to spend more "alone time" with him. But I admit I make things worse by spending more time out of the house than necessary. I'll often be at school til late at night, partly studying but also just hanging out. He's gotten mad a couple of times when he heard I was doing recreational activities at school instead of just studying all day. I know he feels left out but I can't include him in anymore of my life and I don't want to give up my social life or the bonds I'm making with my classmates.

I really want things to work out but I feel like at this point it's mainly for his sake more than mine, he seems so aimless without me and he is really fun to be around when it's just the two of us; we're so comfortable around each other that it's hard to imagine what it would be like apart. But I want things to change and I can't communicate any of this to him because any conversation about a problem in our relationship sends him into a self-hating spiral, so the subject always veers away from discussing whatever's wrong to discussing how bad he feels that there's a problem. At that point all I can do is try to make him feel better; if I don't comfort him he becomes almost completely unresponsive. I know this might sound manipulative of him but I don't think he's doing it on purpose, he just has terrible self-esteem and coping skills, but I don't know how to help him. So whenever I want to bring something up I just don't and then I feel like a lovely GF for keeping my feelings from him but I just can't deal with how hurt he gets. I want him to be more independent and more fulfilled outside of our relationship but he just sees that as me pushing him away. I'm afraid if we did break up, he would be a complete emotional wreck. Mainly I want advice on how to even begin talking with him about our issues in a way that won't cause him to have a meltdown and go catatonic.

tl;dr BF and I have no healthy communication about problems because he gets depressed and blames himself when I say anything is wrong, but I need him to be less clingy and do his part to support us.

Gaunab posted:

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I wasn't snooping, it was front and centre*!

*in the folder marked 'personal', the sub-folder with an obscure name, password and fingerprint protected

quote:

My girlfriend [23F] needs some time apart from her best friend [23M] but he can't seem to take a hint.Non-Romantic
submitted 2 hours ago by mstarrbrannigan
My girlfriend and her (gay) best friend have been friends for over 10 years. Lately, he has really been driving her up the wall. He's extremely shallow, emotionally stunted, selfish, needy, materialistic, stupid and catty. My girlfriend is none of those things. She doesn't want to lose him as a friend, but at the same time she really needs to detox from him. But he monopolizes her time, and never takes no for an answer.
My gf and I [26F] have been together for three years. We have a strong committed relationship. We live together, have cats, the whole deal. Her best friend has learned to tolerate me even though he hated me when she and I got together (probably because it meant he would be losing some of his time with her.) He got really mad when she moved to my city to live with me, and every time she and I have a fight and she goes to vent, he always immediately suggests she break up with me and move in with him.
It used to be that my gf would use me and/or my crazy work schedule (I used to work nights, now I'm a manager so I might be working a 11p-7a, 3p-11p, or 7a-3p all in one week) as an excuse for why he can't come over. Our apartment is a loft, so it's all one room. When he comes over, he usually spends the night since he lives an hour away. But my gf is worried that he and her other friends will think that I'm controlling or something and intentionally keeping her from them.
Don't get me wrong, he can be a fun guy to hang out with. We'll all play video games and stuff. But his numerous faults have really been wearing on my gf lately. He comes from a very wealthy family, and his parents spoil him rotten. My gf comes from a very poor family, and money is tight for us right now. Her friend loves to brag about the car his parents got him, and all the things they get him and talk about how much better his stuff is. My girlfriend on the other hand has earned everything she has with hard work.
Honestly the biggest problem is that he is just loving stupid and selfish. There is no way to just sit him down and tell him that she needs a break from him, he's pissing her off. Every time he invites himself over, she tries to tell him he can't come but he throws a hissy fit, or tries to get her to come see him instead, and simply won't take no for an answer.
Example: I am currently 3 hours into a 12 hour shift. I will get hom around 7:30 tonight, around the same time as my gf and I have to be back at work at 7 am tomorrow. I just want to relax and spend time with my girlfriend. But instead best friend invited himself over. She told him he couldn't come over because of how much I'm working, and he threw the predictable hissy fit via text. He's been bombarding her with texts all morning begging her to come see him or let him visit.
I know part of his problem is that he only has a couple friends since he really doesn't have a personality. All he does is smoke weed, play video games and hook up with strangers. That's all well and good, but that is all of who he is. The main reason he and my girlfriend ever became friends is because it's hard being the gay kids in a small town by yourself.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I'm tired and rambly. Let me know if I need to clarify anything.
tl;dr: Gf is tired of her selfish and materialistic best friend, can't seem to escape him. How can she convince him to let her take a break from him without destroying the friendship?

ArbitraryC posted:

I've had videos/pics of that nature in relationships and everytime I've deleted them when the relationship ended and it seems super weird to me to not do that.


It was in the same favorites folder the picture he was looking for was?

Pick posted:

*drops man into the toilet* you go here

ArbitraryC posted:

It was in the same favorites folder the picture he was looking for was?

Pick posted:

Friendship Is Toxic

Stuntman posted:

i've literally never seen a porn video with any age younger than 18 in the title. why have you?

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I'm making a joke that he says he wasn't snooping but he was

Andrast posted:

It probably wasn't (if he even was looking for a specific picture in the first place)

quote:

I really want things to work out but I feel like at this point it's mainly for his sake more than mine, he seems so aimless without me and he is really fun to be around when it's just the two of us; we're so comfortable around each other that it's hard to imagine what it would be like apart.

quote:

But I want things to change and I can't communicate any of this to him because any conversation about a problem in our relationship sends him into a self-hating spiral, so the subject always veers away from discussing whatever's wrong to discussing how bad he feels that there's a problem.

ArbitraryC posted:

"and every time she and I have a fight and she goes to vent, he always immediately suggests she break up with me and move in with him."

Why does she keep airing her relationship problems to a person who openly hates her SO?

Pick posted:

To be fair, I had this gay best friend and he thought we should get married so that I could manage his finances and clean his house

Andrast posted:

Now that sounds like a healthy relationship

Sisal Two-Step posted:

"breaking up would be uncomfortable" seems like a solid reason to stick an unhealthy relationship out.

Pick posted:

*drops man into the toilet* you go here

quote:

My roommates and I are throwing a New Years Eve party tomorrow night. Whenever we have people over we just have people alternating plugging in their phones to our speakers and let them play whatever they want and we like it that way.
Our friend Jake has gotten in to DJing in the last year. He threw a party over the summer which featured him 'DJing' and it was a bust. He played out of date music and did not listen to what people wanted.
Jake asked us if he could DJ our party. We tried to let him down gently saying our other friend Dillon [23M] already asked (he did). Jake insisted on going on whenever Dillon needed a break/wanted to enjoy the party and before and after him. This turned into him saying him and Dillon will split the party.
We wouldn't mind Dillon DJing because we share his taste of music and he is much more relaxed. Jake is making this into much more than just a house party and has started making mixes/playlists (that we do not like!!) Jake even said he called in sick to work today to start on his set!!!
Jake is an old friend so I really don't want to hurt his feelings. However, I feel like he is taking over our party and could end up ruining it. We tried to tell him to take requests from people when they asked but he said he couldn't because he would need to shut down his software????
How can we phrase it as nicely as possible? I feel bad because I think he is really looking forward to it but this is just not what we want.
tl;dr: Our friend wants to DJ our NYE party, but has different taste in music and will not take suggestions from other people.

ArbitraryC posted:

"and every time she and I have a fight and she goes to vent, he always immediately suggests she break up with me and move in with him."

Why does she keep airing her relationship problems to a person who openly hates her SO?

Rutibex posted:

This is why I cafefully avoid any women that are currently stringing along a "nice guy" or two. Yeah, you know they will never gently caress em, but any time you have any relationship problems those nice guys will use it as an oppression to pour poison in her ear

ArbitraryC posted:

either way she shouldn't still have the videos imo but that actually sounds like a super plausible way to accidentally stumble across them so I guess i just don't really think that part matters.

quote:

I was texting my girlfriend yesterday from work and had asked her to hang out the night before. I asked if she was game to get dinner and she said she was feeling a little sick. Normally this would be fine but she says that when she wants to duck out of plans. We just visited her family for the holidays and got back last week. Everything was great. Since she's been back she's been kind of distant. Over test I asked her about it, curious if she was still detoxing from the trip or need to recharge her batteries or was potentially upset with me. She got really angry when I asked and began giving me the silent treatment. By nature she's pretty introverted and I'm more extroverted so she takes a long time to recharge after being too social. I know it probably wasn't a great idea to ask why she's been distant, but the silent treatment seems a bit out of proportion. It was not aggressive or angry, just wanted to talk to her about how I was feeling. We have New Years plans tonight, but when I call about them she sent the call straight to voicemail. I want to have better communication with her, and I think she's amazing. The silent treatment though really upsets me, and I don't know how to have any productive conversation when she won't speak to me or pick up my calls. What is the best way to handle this so I don't push her to talk when she isn't ready, but also not allow it to escalate into some major fight. I want to speak whatever language she does emotionally, but I also want to be able to express myself freely. How should I handle it to smooth things over again.

tldr: gf is giving me the silent treatment due to me asking her about being distant. She's naturally introverted and I was to deal with this in the way this is best for her and doesnt ruin my relationship.

Pick posted:

That'll be like every woman. They're just a fact of life.

Andrast posted:

Reading this thread I'm constantly amazed at how people manage to reach adulthood and still behave like this.

Gaunab posted:

old video

Rutibex posted:

This is why I cafefully avoid any women that are currently stringing along a "nice guy" or two. Yeah, you know they will never gently caress em, but any time you have any relationship problems those nice guys will use it as an opportunity pour poison in her ear

toiletbrush posted:

Hahaha there's no loving way this has ever happened to you, you're trying too hard, dude.