WampaLord posted:

On the one hand, she's freaking out way too hard over this.

On the other hand, who just goes and pours water on someone when they're at a business function?

quote:

My wife 29 [f] has a friend 31 [m] she has known longer than me, and I am not OK with their relationship. I am 29 [m].

So my wife has known this guy, let's call him Jay, for 6 years. My wife and I have been together for 3 years, married almost 1. She met Jay through her ex boyfriend (a guy that cheated on her) and they remained friends through the breakup. Both Jay and I are in the military, but in different branches and at different bases. I live in Virginia and he lives in New England. However, I grew up in new England which will come up later. My wife is from south carolina, we met online while both living in virginia.

I first began feeling weird about their interactions when my wife and I were on a trip to my home town about 4 months ago. In new England which is close to where Jay is stationed, about 2 hours actually. At this point my wife and I were also going through a rough patch in our relationship, we had a miscarriage of our child, and we were generally not getting along as well as we used to. My wife has some girlfriends in new England as well, and one night she said she was going out with them. I said all good, and asked her when she would be back and she said tonight around 10. So 1am rolls around and no wife. I try calling her, no answer. I wait up, thinking the worst until 5 am when I finally think to check her call log as we share a phone line. I look at the last number she called and dial it thinking it was one of her girlfriends. To my surprise, Jay picks up the phone, I ask for my wife and 10 seconds later she is on his phone. Apparently she is staying in a hotel with this guy and some of her friends as well. I say ok, so when will you be back and she says in a few hours. She finally gets in at 9am, with just Jay in the car.

On that same trip when we were about to leave, literally going out of the airport, who to my surprise is standing at security waiting for my wife but Jay. We greet him and we are standing there talking and my wife asks me to leave and go through security without her. To be fair this was a very small airport with no line at security. So I go through, and I look back and I see them embracing, hugging.

2 months later my wife says her sister has bought her plane tickets to go home to see her mother for her mothers birthday. I say great. I take her to the airport, and she prints out her tickets and instead of seeing south Carolina I see new england on the tickets. I'm like WTF. And she can't explain. because we are in an airport I don't make a scene and I just walk away. I call up her sister and ask if she bought her the tickets and she says no. I ask her mother, also no. Keep in mind my wife has no job and I pay all her bills, she has 0 income, and no savings that I know of.

At this point I'm extremely suspicious so I check her phone history. She has texted Jay over 5000 times over the past 3 months. And has been on the phone with him for over 3.5 hours, and has face timed him multiple times. I also saw she made a call to a restaurant 45 minutes from the base Jay is stationed during her trip.

When she came back, we sort of made up. However she never really apologized. The way she explained it was that one of her female friends payed for her ticket, and they spent a lot of time in boston. When confronted with the text and phone information she told me that was an invasion of her privacy and explained it as innocent.

The last straw was on christmas when he sent her flowers as a gift. And she put them in my dresser like I would be OK with that. She has also instead of texting him started talking with him on whatsapp and instagram.

I am conflicted because I still care about her, but this relationship she has with this guy really bothers me. Whenever I bring it up, she just brushes it off as me being jealous and petty. I am really not sure how to approach this.

Am I truly just being jealous or is something there? How should I approach her about it?

TL;DR My wife has been spending time with, and talking with a guy a lot more than I am OK with. How should I approach her about it?

Pick posted:

I just don't know how he finds the time to take all these pictures. Are they at least different in composition and background? Or is it the same grainy bathroom shot every time? Isn't it just going to look like the same penis? Ten photos a loving day!!!!!!

WampaLord posted:

That one's great because the only downvoted comments are people telling him he might have a problem with drugs if it leads to situations like this and the rest of Reddit shaming those people for being anti-drug.

tactlessbastard posted:

That shithead will never have it so good again.

Pearnicious posted:

I always wonder when I read statements like this if they're full of crap or if he has actually been diagnosed. It seems like an easy excuse for lovely people to just say "eh, I'm mildly autistic" and just continue to be a piece of poo poo. What does he even mean by "mental exhaustion drain"? Like normal people don't get mentally exhausted from dealing with life in general? Throwing autism around like that can be an excuse for drat near anything. Didn't do the dishes? "Sorry, I'm too mentally exhausted because of my mild autism and ADHD. I can't do the dishes right now, I need to focus on my video games."

I don't know, maybe he actually has been diagnosed and has a genuine problem, but it honestly sounds like a cop out. Both of these people just kind of sound incompatible and like they don't really want to be with each other.

Gaunab posted:

It's always interesting to see how much people turn a blind eye to in the name of love

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Man that guy should have let her go to new england, then broken his lease and moved out during her trip. She can come home and have nowhere to go and no clue where he is.

Pearnicious posted:

Yeah, they're not similar. I said that. The responses were though.

In both cases the suggestion was for the woman in the situation to set the record straight and have a serious conversation with the offending party. But somehow that's victim blaming?

I'm just going to end this derail again right here because it's just as dumb as it was yesterday.

quote:

I have a new guy.....we started hanging out about a month ago. We started sleeping together about 2 weeks ago. When we did that.. I told him that I needed to be exclusive. I take sleeping together very seriously. He said the same...

Then, about a week ago... I went to his house. We were in his bedroom...and he has a very nice place...he also has a maid.

We had sex and after a bit.. I had to leave. I told him I had to go ...which was totally fine and expected. He stood up to get my clothes and grabbed some old chewed gum on his dresser and asked me if I wanted my GUM back.

Problem is -- It was NOT MY gum. So, clearly another woman had been in his room.... and chewed gum... DISGUSTING.

I said that's not mine! He said...Oh...weird...well it's old...so... not sure. I was totally thrown off when this happened and I left kind of fast....

I have blown off all plans with him since... because I am grossed out. I told him that I didn't think we were going to work...and that I felt he was not being honest with me. He said he was... and that MAYBE there was a little communication with his ex but that he wanted to get to know me better...and that he felt that we had been having a lot of dinners, drinking and sex...

Which is true -- however, I have invited him to run with me ... twice. He said he couldn't. He also invited me once to his gym... but I couldn't make it. But, even on one of our first dates...we went to a golf place (Top Golf) and he drank a bottle of wine... at 2 in the afternoon!

He then told me that he had been drinking heavily because he was so depressed over the holidays.... and that they were the worst holidays ever becuase he missed being either married OR in a long term relationship...with someone he expected to marry.

Problem is .. .He spent NEW YEAR'S with ME! I was very offended...and while I didn't say anything...it made me think...wow. You were drinking heavily to get through the 'worst holidays' and you were doing it with ME!

tl;dr My question is would you continue a relationship with a guy who said he was struggling through the holidays, had to drink heavily to cope...knowing he spent the holiday with YOU? Also, could you get past the idea of him offering you old gum back from his dresser -- when it must be from another woman?:

WAY TO GO WAMPA!! posted:

Me 41 with my 42 M bf of 1 month who said he had to drink heavily to get through holidays with ME

Tiny Deer posted:

For what it's worth I agree that dick photographer's girlfriend should talk to him gently instead of unilaterally severing without a word, whether or not she wants to stay with him while he figures his poo poo out, but it's still his poo poo, his problem, and his responsibility.

quote:

Problem is -- It was NOT MY gum. So, clearly another woman had been in his room.... and chewed gum... DISGUSTING.

WampaLord posted:

loving lmao at this. Is she more disgusted by the woman, or the gum?

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

It's a good thing you wrote all these words about why it's sexist to consider what women asking for advice could do to solve their problems

the two of you don't even disagree about what should happen, you just felt the need to lecture some guy on why thinking of an answer to a woman's question instead of insisting the nearest man solve it for her oppresses women.

Tiny Deer posted:

Tiny Deer posted:

Women are often attributed the responsibility for fixing men's problems, even when those problems lie outside of their control, and then are frequently blamed for a) not solving the issue b) solving the issue incorrectly c) solving the issue, but doing so in an overly assertive, 'bossy', or 'nagging' way.

WampaLord posted:

Imagine a post written in the exact same tone about a girl finding porn on her boyfriend's phone. That's all it is, porn. You'd breakup with someone because they look at porn?

Pearnicious posted:

Valid points, and I agree.

I never defended the offending men in these situations, at least that wasn't my intention. There's no question that the blame is totally on them. All I suggested was that there was a possibility that it could be solved with a serious conversation and setting the record straight. People love to just immediately jump to extremes like restraining orders and other nonsense, but really that would just cause way more drama than necessary. It would most likely permanently destroy friendships and relationships. It would be more practical to just tell shirt lifter fuckhead to butt out of her personal life, reach out to her friends to tell them he is 100% wrong and has no idea what he's talking about, and then avoid him like the plague. If it escalates from there, sure go to police and literally force him to go away.

I'm just baffled that offering a reasonable adult solution like trying to talk it out is considered victim blaming. No, she wasn't "asking for it" when he lifted her shirt, and no she wasn't "asking for it" when her BF is sending her 10 dick pics a day.


I totally understand that, and I'm not saying that either of these women should be responsible for these problems. They certainly have no obligation to try and solve these problems, but if they wanted to just sever forever they wouldn't be asking for advice. Shirt lifter guy is a fuckhead and there might not be a way to salvage that, but the boyfriend sending dick pics...it's not going to stop unless she does something. It's not her insecurity problem, sure, but it does affect her, and the only way to solve it is by taking action. If asking her to talk to her boyfriend about it is victim blaming then it is just a lose-lose situation with no solution. Passivity is never going to get anything done.

Gaunab posted:

It's always interesting to see how much people turn a blind eye to in the name of love

WAY TO GO WAMPA!! posted:

Me 41 with my 42 M bf of 1 month who said he had to drink heavily to get through holidays with ME

remigious posted:

Why is "big tit milf gets hosed" more acceptable?? I am more lenient towards erotic fiction because at least then no real people are being hurt.

Zelder posted:

Because the plot in big tit milf is better


But seriously are you asking why porn of someone having sex with an attractive person is considered less weird than this porn where people gently caress and impregnate each other with dog dicks

remigious posted:

no real people are being hurt.

remigious posted:

Why is "big tit milf gets hosed" more acceptable?? I am more lenient towards erotic fiction because at least then no real people are being hurt.

Tolkien minority posted:

weirdo dogdick furry mpreg porn is not the same as "big tit milf gets hosed" dude take some time off the internet

Tiny Deer posted:

Yeah you never defended those guys and I don't think you condone them at all! It's just that often in these kinds of discussions people do defend these types of guy, so it hits a sensitive place for a lot of people who will read into what you're saying (as we see often in this thread and the entire span of human communication).

Tolkien minority posted:

its almost like people into anime child porn are really weird hosed up individuals with really weird hosed up opinions

WampaLord posted:

"Holy poo poo I am shocked at the graphic lewdness of this story!" he says as he turns back to his throat-gagging compilation.

remigious posted:

This avatar was obviously given to me as a joke.
And I am a lady.

WampaLord posted:

"Holy poo poo I am shocked at the graphic lewdness of this story!" he says as he turns back to his throat-gagging compilation.

remigious posted:

This avatar was obviously given to me as a joke.
And I am a lady.

Pearnicious posted:

And some of it is just being outright obtuse.

*suggestion that woman might be able to resolve issue with an adult conversation* --> "that's victim blaming" --> *mental gymnastics* --> "you condone rape."

Why even try?