Ride The Gravitron posted:

Absolutely. I bolded that part as moment

Splicer posted:

Nominating her for best mom in the thread.

Not exactly a lot of competition but still.

WoodrowSkillson posted:

Can we hook her up with that dude who is the guardian of his sister and kicked their dad back out of their life for her? I think they are the same age.

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

We have several homeless camps that exist in the desert around our city. My (32f) husband (33m) of 8 years takes our kids (9f, 7m) to "hang out" at these camps. It's terrifying and I want it to stop.

zakharov posted:

Spanking is one of those things that infuriates me because people just won't see reason on it

"Well everyone in my family was spanked and we turned out fine!"

and now we know more about how "physical discipline" fucks up a child's mind, and no you didn't turn out fine because you're expressing a desire to assault your children

zakharov posted:

Spanking is child abuse. Good for the mom, hope the husband stops being such a cowardly loser.

zakharov posted:

Spanking is one of those things that infuriates me because people just won't see reason on it

"Well everyone in my family was spanked and we turned out fine!"

and now we know more about how "physical discipline" fucks up a child's mind, and no you didn't turn out fine because you're expressing a desire to assault your children

Sisal Two-Step posted:

why do tweens keep using reddit to solve their family squabbles?

Zzulu posted:

i am 30 years old and I can not deal with my problems because i am garbage

Cursed Lumberjack posted:

How the heck does that wife not realize the 400$ was for drugs?

quote:

I apologize in advance, there is no easy way to explain this story, this will be a wall of text. I will endeavor to keep it as brief and relevant as possible.

I was married for 10 years to a narcissistic, abusive, sociopath. Most of the abuse leveled at me was emotional/intimidation, but he was physically abusive to my daughter from a previous relationship, and our three sons. When I moved out, he physically attacked me, nearly breaking my arm and causing extensive soft tissue damage. This is relevant later.

In 2005, our oldest son died of leukemia. He was 2. In 2009, our middle son was diagnosed with lymphoma. He successfully completed treatment and has been in remission for nearly 7 years.

We separated in 2009, right after my sons treatment was finished, and filed for divorce shortly after. I filed a DV report when he attacked me. He hired a criminal defense attorney, absolutely assassinated my character, convinced my mother to testify against me, as well as our blind elderly neighbor who "saw" the entire incident. The case was dropped.

During the divorce hearing, I filed for full custody. In Alaska, in most cases, that automatically guarantees the other parent will get custody (if they are asking for 50/50 joint custody). I did not know this at the time, and my lawyer pushed for full because of the DV hearing. The judge reviewed the files/recording, decided on the spot I was a liar because the other case was dropped, and awarded joint custody.

For four years, my ex dragged me back to court for every excuse he could find, to complain about my unwillingness to cooperate and co-parent with him. He paid a counselor (a substantial cash payment, outside of our insurance coverage, with additional gifts such as fishing trips and work done to his property) to testify against me in court. I did not find out until much later that the counselor was practicing with a suspended license for ethics violations (false testimony in other family court cases) the entire time he was "treating" my children. Every time we went to court, I lost more and more rights/privileges.

In 2013, he filed multiple abuse investigations with OCS, culminating in a police investigation and restraining orders being filed against me after I returned my children to him with bruises (bruises were NOT from abuse, the children stated that, OCS stated that, and the doctor that examined them stated there was no way to conclude they were the result of abuse). However, I did admit in court to spanking my children, with my hand, 1 time over the week the bruising occurred.

By this time, the judge was not even bothering to hide her disgust for me every time we came to court. She stated that in the case of the spanking, it was a violation of the no corporal punishment clause in our divorce decree (true), that my children were in fear for their lives because they behaved immediately afterward, and that the spanking met the definition of assault. She granted a one year protective order against me, ordered parenting classes, a domestic violence intervention program, mandatory counseling, and reduced my visitation to 6 supervised hours per week, with a supervisor of my ex's choosing.

I completed all ordered services. My ex, however, refused to comply with the visitation. Or rather, he made visitation so logistically and physically impossible, he might as well have refused. He always made it clear that when I could not meet his conditions, it was MY refusal to comply, not him denying access.

With the help of my counselor, I made the decision to walk away. This entire situation was a narcissists dream - he maintained all control and could "punish" me for leaving through my children. By removing myself from the power struggle, even knowing that he was not a good person, or a good parent, the hope was he would drop his obsession for controlling me, and focus on raising our boys in a healthier atmosphere. It is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.

I did get behind in child support for some time, as I had a hard time finding work. But it was paid whenever I was working, and not only has it been paid consistently for nearly two years but all of my arrearages have long since caught up. I have had absolutely zero contact with my ex or my children in just over three years.

I found out over the weekend that my 12 year old son, after being in remission for 7 years, has relapsed, and is in very poor condition. At 12, my son weighs 56 lbs. he has always been a small child, but he is the size of an average 6-7 year old. My ex so stubbornly refused to take him to the doctor, despite OBVIOUS signs of illness, including a tennis ball sized mass on his chest, that when the cancer spread to his spine and began putting so much pressure on his brain that he is exhibiting stroke symptoms (face drooping, balance issues, slurred speech), my ex still sent him to school, and the school had to intervene and refuse to allow him back until he had a doctors clearance. My younger son is also displaying some rather alarming signs of abuse/mistreatment.

At this point, their father still refuses to contact me to tell me about our sons health. He is blocking my attempts to access medical records or speak with the doctors. He has told others that if I try to go to the hospital he will have me arrested (he can't, but he can cause a huge scene and upset my son).

I have applied to legal aid previously, and was denied - custody cases are rarely given assistance by legal aid here. I cannot afford an attorney. I pay 52% of my income to child support. I barely eat, but I will do whatever I have to to support my kids.

I know I need to speak with an attorney. I have left messages for several that friends have referred me to in the hopes that one will consider a pro bono representation, or allow some sort of payment arrangements. Other than that, any advice on how to proceed at this point, or resources in Alaska I may not have found, would be greatly appreciated.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

naw I bet this dude really does love slumming, and is super enthusiastic about all the slum buddies he's bought who want him around to pay for their drinks now

these kids are so hosed no matter what happens

quote:

Mom, can you teach me about boundaries?

Ride The Gravitron posted:

quote:

TL;DR: After thinking about the scientific study that was on reddit today, and considering my own son, I came to the conclusion that spanking is breaking frame with your child and is not masculine at all.

Story time guys. I don't post often, because truthfully I don't have much to say, and I like to read more than I like to speak. But I had to share this thought. I am sure many people saw the post on the science subreddit about the spanking study that was done. It was a fascinating read, and the comments were equally fascinating. I am, as my post history reveals, a father to a son, and think a lot about TRP in regards to how I raise him.

A couple of policies I live by when being a father:
I am very hands off when he is playing or exploring. I believe strongly that overparenting is unhealthy, and kids, especially boys, need to be able to figure things out for themselves and explore. This establishes independence, curiosity, strength, etc.

I answer all those annoying questions. Yes they can be annoying. But my observation is that many moms, especially single moms, get annoyed at their kids asking questions. They're kids, they're curious, and as a parent, its on you to teach them certain things. Feed their curiosity, don't stifle it because you're too lazy to explain things. When I get frustrated, I think about my single mom, and how she got frequently annoyed with questions, and it helps me remember why I promised I would always answer my sons' questions.

3) Finally, I hold frame--which brings me to spanking. I don't believe in it, but there's some different aspects here that I had not considered. I found out on Sunday that my ex-girlfriend's mom had recently spanked our son, and I asked her calmly if it made him stop misbehaving. She said no, to which I responded, maybe it's a dumb idea to try it again. She didn't say anything.
After thinking on that for a couple days, and reading this study, I realized something. This doesn't establish authority, at least not really. It may (MAY) work short term, no disagreement. But long term, you're actually breaking frame. The best way to parent is to remain calm, collected, and methodical. Logic always works best. If my son doesn't eat dinner, he does not get a snack. If he goes to bed late, he has to take a nap the next day. If he says something mean, I don't speak to him without an apology (unless of course, it's an emergency). He learns that to get what he wants, he has to do certain things. He has to have the discipline to control himself, to make smart choices.

When you spank, you actually break frame, because you lose your cool. You allow the kid's behavior to dictate YOUR actions and reaction, rather than helping the child see how their decisions don't get them what they want. Furthermore, it teaches them that when they are bigger and stronger than you, they can ignore you. My mom, for example, stopped being able to discipline me at age 13, when I stopped letting her hit me.

I get that some of you may disagree. That's fine. In any case, I know this works for me, and if it helps you, great. If it doesn't, gently caress me I guess!

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

only tangentially on-topic but I feel it's a good palate cleanser

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

We have several homeless camps that exist in the desert around our city. My (32f) husband (33m) of 8 years takes our kids (9f, 7m) to "hang out" at these camps. It's terrifying and I want it to stop.

Ride The Gravitron posted:

The police won't do anything about this complete psychopath (FL) (self.legaladvice)

flick my Mr. Bean posted:

Killing snakes and tarantulas is a weird way to control people. I don't know many people who would do anything to save a tarantula.

flick my Mr. Bean posted:

Killing snakes and tarantulas is a weird way to control people. I don't know many people who would do anything to save a tarantula.

Improbable Lobster posted:

I would, tarantulas and snakes are good friends and don't deserve scorn or violence

Pick posted:

I would do almost anything to save an innocent snake and/or tarantula

don't forget, I have favorite flies

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

think a lot about TRP in regards to how I raise him

Divot posted:

This is somehow one of the most terrifying things I've read in this thread.

quote:

Of course as a wife , you want to look good for your husband , I know I do . But , my husband thinks it's selfish for a women to pamper herself to feel good or to feel more confident . He believes that whatever a man says about his wives appearance , is how she should go about taking her of her appearance .

Taking care of myself makes me feel good , makes me feel happier on the inside , and I'm sure every woman likes feeling good . But , every time this conversation comes up , he insist that this is in the Bible . I should do my hair and nails simply to look good for him , but not to feel good . He tells me if I'm trying to look good to feel good , then I am not selfless . We are Christians , but I just don't understand why wouldn't someone want you to feel good about yourself . Any advice on how to see it from his POV or something .

For example , I wanted to get extensions in my hair for my baby shower , he doesn't like extensions too much . My hair has been shedding and thinning due to my prenatal pills . I told him this and he said to me , it's either I'm trying to look good for his friends , or myself. Which , if any of the 2 options are the case , that means I don't love him.

Any advice .
TL;DR: my husband thinks I should look good and feel good about it for him .

zakharov posted:

How do these losers manage to get married

My husband [M/22] says that I [F/21] should look good purely for his satisfaction. I have no right to feel good about it. What do you think about this ?

zakharov posted:

How do these losers manage to get married

My husband [M/22] says that I [F/21] should look good purely for his satisfaction. I have no right to feel good about it. What do you think about this ?